I am sorry, I saw this post after I posted the last one (about asexuality). I will stop.
I would probably fit into the autism spectrum, myself, but I really don't feel I am. No more than anybody else, anyway.
And that's sort of what I'm getting at. I'm not autistic, but I have certain traits and qualities that might suggest so. I feel the same way about my wife in regards to asexuality.
I'm just saying that those two 'diagnoses' do tend to pop up a lot here.
So to answer the questions for my wife using only what I've seen, heard and observed: Are you generally disinterested in sex?
Yes Is your interest in sex more scientific than emotional?
No Do you feel left out or confused when others discuss sex?
She has said she feels uncomfortable when others talk about sex, yes. But not squirmy-like. Probably like how I feel when people start talking about their work... She has also said she never got "the talk" when younger, and she also went to Catholic schools. Personally, I get the feeling she's uncomfortable about the subject because she's private, more than anything. AFAICT, she learned about sex by having sex, and learned about her body in the same way (not masturbating). If you had sex, did you think it was dull or boring, and not the amazing experience other people made it out to be?
Not that I can tell. But in all honesty, my wife is rarely super excited about things. As some of you know, she and I were each others firsts, then split up for about 15 years.
The first time we had sex, SHE was the one to pull me into my bedroom. She wanted to have sex, and I guess to lose her virginity. We had been dating a month, maybe. If it matters, it didn't really work, as we had no idea what we were doing. She wasn't aroused at all, so I wasn't able to really put it in. I suppose had she known about her body (ie. by masturbating) then it would have worked. In retrospect, she knew nothing about her body back then. We simply didn't know how it worked, other than 'penis in vagina'. Ah, youth.
The sex we had back then was dull and boring, because we didn't know what we were doing
When we reconnected all those years later, we had both learned a LOT. I imagine that, when she eventually DID have good sex with someone, it was an amazing experience. She never had an orgasm with me back in the day, and I asked her about that once because she's multi-orgasmic now. I don't remember the exact wording, but her first orgasm was unexpected, and I imagine it was an amazing experience. FWIW, she had no idea about the gspot, nor that some women could squirt, until I introduced her to that. Once I did, she was all over that for several months. And even now, she occasionally asks me to make her do that. She did this past weekend. Have you ever had to pretend to be interested in someone in order to fit in?
I can't answer this one for her, obviously, but I would assume yes. Haven't we all? Have you ever felt “broken” because you don’t experience sexual feelings like those around you?
This I can answer, sort of. I don't think she's ever felt 'broken'. She did say that she realized sometime in her late teens that her girlfriends, for example, would constantly talk about how hot this guy was, or how much they wanted to have sex with that guy, or talk about penises - typical teenage girl stuff - and she didn't have those same feelings. She liked boys, dated, had sex, etc. but it was never a physical attraction. Have you ever felt that you were straight “by default” or that you were bi or pan because you were equally (dis)interested in all genders?
AFAIK, she's never questioned her sexuality. I asked her about this once, and she said no, she's always liked men.
So all in all, yes, she's a little bit different. But I don't attribute that to asexuality (or autism!). I do think most people's sexuality is formed by their upbringing, their surroundings, their parents and siblings, their education (or lack of it), their self-esteem, etc etc etc. All kinds of external sources.
I've always suspected that she has a love/hate relationship with sex. I can see, occasionally, that it's something she does actually like. I can also see that there's some negativity around it, in general. She's very much the personality type to shun things once they turn negative. You now how if you get sick from a certain type of food once in your life, and that food will forever be associated with being sick? She's totally like that.
There's no CSA or sexual assault in her past (that she's told me about), so that's not it. She did have an accidental pregnancy while in her early 20's, and the "father" ran off, but it all turned out okay. She has been cheated on before, by the first guy she lived with, and she clearly had future plans with him, so that was traumatic I imagine. The last guy she was in an LTR with before me essentially called her a *****, and constantly accused her of cheating on him, so that can't have helped.
Even seemingly innocuous things like having two older brothers probably didn't help. They would be out with girls all the time, but then turn around and threaten any boy (including me, back in the day, lol!) if I touched their sister. Her oldest brother threatened to kill me if I got his sister pregnant back then.
So I believe that there's an element of negativity towards sex for her, despite it being something she really does like. I can see that she likes it and enjoys it. But there's never not been a negative aspect to it, I don't think.
So it makes a lot of sense that she balances it, schedules it, and otherwise keeps it out of her mind in the way that she does, and leaves it for when she's comfortable, and at a minimum.