Thoughts on this - Page 129 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1921 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 11:40 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
S'okay

I would probably fit into the autism spectrum, myself, but I really don't feel I am. No more than anybody else, anyway.

And that's sort of what I'm getting at. I'm not autistic, but I have certain traits and qualities that might suggest so. I feel the same way about my wife in regards to asexuality.

I'm just saying that those two 'diagnoses' do tend to pop up a lot here.


So to answer the questions for my wife using only what I've seen, heard and observed:
I was actually more interested in YOUR answers, since you said several of them applied to you....which didn't make sense to me based on all of your posts here over the years which clearly paint you as a sexual person.

I think if someone can answer "yes" to some of the items on this list but only for a short period of time or only with one partner or whatever, that's not really what the list is getting at. It is saying that a pervasive pattern of "yeses" on the list could point to asexuality.

Remember the goal of feminism: Making sure only alphas get laid!
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post #1922 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I was actually more interested in YOUR answers, since you said several of them applied to you....which didn't make sense to me based on all of your posts here over the years which clearly paint you as a sexual person.

I think if someone can answer "yes" to some of the items on this list but only for a short period of time or only with one partner or whatever, that's not really what the list is getting at. It is saying that a pervasive pattern of "yeses" on the list could point to asexuality.
I am not sure he meant it seriously...Nor did I, particularly. The point was more that these questionnaires are fun to do etc but I am not sure they can be regarded as particularly reliable. I am pretty sure to determine whether one is homo/hetero-sexual on the other hand, one question would suffice
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post #1923 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 05:55 PM
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Thoughts on this

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Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:30 PM.
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post #1924 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 06:42 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post

Both have to be in a somewhat uncomfortable position.
As long as it's not on a Saturday

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I did - and my relationship was kind of perfect otherwise - but there was no possibility for change otherwise
And what happened? I am curious.
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post #1925 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:21 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Last edited by TheTruthHurts; 05-16-2017 at 02:30 PM.
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post #1926 of 1926 (permalink) Old 05-12-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
No I'm with @alexm here. That's my w too. Only at night in bed etc. No sexuality otherwise. Sleep over everything else.

The thing is... I reached a stopping point with a medical condition and decided if mullet-head trailer park morons could have unbridled sex, why the hell didn't I deserve it too (ok but I prefer to limit it to human females). And after picking up His Needs Her Needs I realized my Needs actually were valid and frankly common. That's a big part of it. I also realized from TAM that female sexuality is more complex (ha ha poke) - but seriously - it isn't always driven by desire. So I adjusted my thinking and I also reasserted myself and provided HNHN to facilitate dialog. Of course, my W would never read that or do the work by she was interested in understanding

So I think the difference is that I was willing to disrupt the relationship to get my needs met half way. Most guys stuck here won't do that - they say it's not a deal breaker. But for me, I decided and communicated that my sexuality was real and not going away and I honestly didn't know what would happen next.

These situations perpetuate themselves because one side is often happy with the status quo. Therefore why change? It's all good, right? Wrong.

People don't change unless they have to. HAVE to and even then it's an uphill battle.

The ONLY hope is to burn the boats so there's no going back. This is human nature. I've done business process "optimization" - change - and I've had to make "the old way" completely inaccessible and unworkable before most people will venture into the scary, unfamiliar, unknown.

Anyway, my W now knows to expect sexual interaction and intimacy of some sort every night no matter what (ok I set up an extreme straw man with a stated daily need) and guess what? It's all good. She ONLY engages because she expects it. And we're both often responsive at that point.

So now the complacent status quo is something daily by habit and we're happy.

I see no other path to change

[edit: but you must have a partnership where, ultimately, both want to make the other happy and are both accommodating to some degree.]


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Well done. The trick was to find an effective and honest way to communicate in combination with her willingness and compassion towards you.
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