At risk of being a buzz kill......
Having sex - 'when you don't want to' is - let's freeze the frame right there. And I mean - right there.
I love this phrase because it - is common and yet subject to a frighteningly wide interpretation: When you don't want to
At one end of the spectrum it simply means a lack of desire to do - whatever.
At the other end it means - you actively prefer to NOT do the activity in question.
If this is simply a matter of responsive desire - you have a very real chance at making it all work well.
If however, this is sexual aversion, whole different story.
A low key conversation about responsive desire - that includes the theme of reciprocity - can be a very positive first step.
Let's fool around for a while and see if nature takes its course. If it does - great. If not - we can stop.
For that to work a few things must be true:
- Trust (that if it is a bust you won't just stop - but you will shrug it off)
- Good will - this is just a generalized marital vibe - that comes from a high level of synchronization/collaboration
If your partner perceives sex as something you do WITH them, as opposed to TO them, this isn't stressful. Reason is simple. If the former - you won't WANT to proceed - if it isn't really happening for them. A good partner won't just know that (in their head) they will believe it (in their heart).
Aversion is a totally different and largely unsolvable issue. Doesn't matter WHY someone feels that way - just that they do.
That's just the thing. You don't understand how others feel about sex. But, if they told you, you'd do your best to give them what they want (to the degree that you were capable and you felt they were deserving of your best efforts).
That's the thing with Alex and Ultred's wives. Any reasonable person would think that their wive's know what they need/want.
There's still a chance they don't really (I know this from personal experience).
People like Alex, Ultred, Ellis & me think it should be obvious. After all, we would have gotten it by now.
So that's the case for making 100% sure that they understand. But, it can't just be talk. There have to be actions as well.
And no whining!