Thoughts on this - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 2804Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:12 AM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: The Big O / S-Hai
Posts: 1,112
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
As many of you know, my wife is quite LD. Over the past couple of years, we seem to have settled in on once a week intimacy, and it pretty much happens only on one day of the week, over the weekend. Pretty much around the same time, as well.

Throughout the rest of week - nothing. Nothing sexual, no flirtiness, no build-up, etc. It is what it is.

Generally speaking, I am fine with this - the sex is actually good, and it's not one-sided.

However, I am getting tired of this 'schedule'.
The beginning of your post also describes my situation. To make the special Saturday night interesting, we have a date night with a couple of drinks. When we come home, she is completely willing to wear any lingerie that I pick. While it is only one night per week, followed by once the next morning, it is of high quality for both of us. Quality beats quantity in my book.
Steve1000 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:30 AM
Member
 
Buffon06's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 43
Re: Thoughts on this

Here is what I would do:

The next time that scheduled "sexy time" rolls around, instead of having sex, sit your wife down and tell her that the once a week scheduled sex isn't working for you anymore. Tell her you need more spontaneity, and more variety in scheduling. Tell her that the rigid schedule is compromising the emotional connection you want to have with her.

But just don't leave it at that. Be prepared to offer some suggestions and/or alternatives. Let her know you are willing and able to compromise/meet her in the middle. If you have a problem, you need to at least offer a solution.

If she is agreeable to this idea, then go ahead and have sex after your talk with the clear understanding that the next time you have sex, you will have sex at a different time/location with little or no advance notice. If she gets defensive, dismissive, or otherwise expresses no interest in trying to change/improve the situation, then walk away from the sex session. Tell her you are going to go to individual counseling to help you deal with your unmet emotional needs, and be prepared to follow through.

At some juncture, tell your wife that your therapist/counselor wants to include her in the next session, and see how she reacts. If she is agreeable, then there may be hope of a compromise. If she refuses, or goes into denial ("we don't really have a problem"), then you know you have a decision to make - either live with the situation as it is, or take active steps to work on yourself with the idea that you are preparing for an alternative direction in your life, perhaps one without her.

You need to be able to credibly demonstrate to her that you are serious about blowing up the relationship if things don't get better.

Last edited by Buffon06; 04-07-2017 at 10:47 AM.
Buffon06 is offline  
post #18 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 156
Re: Thoughts on this

I don't think that's a good plan at all. I've done it. I think it's just going build up resentment in your wife and take sex completely off the table.
m00nman is offline  
post #19 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:58 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 750
Quote:
Originally Posted by m00nman View Post
I don't think that's a good plan at all. I've done it. I think it's just going build up resentment in your wife and take sex completely off the table.
So it's either her way all of the time, or no way?
Livvie is online now  
post #20 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 125
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
This wouldn't go very far with an LD
My wife makes his wife look like a nymph by comparison. She now does things she said she'd never do, and I never get turned down (even though it's almost always for my pleasure). Yeah it works. Being a beta doesn't - tried that for too long previously!
Capster is offline  
post #21 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:36 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: Thoughts on this

Sounds like my wife. Sunday between 2pm and 5pm we will have "sex". (well she'll give me a HJ). Very rarely anything else (though a little more in the last few weeks for some reason, which is nice). I can't remember her ever agreeing to sex when I suggested it.

I don't think this is fixable. Accept or move on. It sucks (or I expect doesn't ;-( ) but there really may be nothing you acn do to improve things. Turning her down will just confuse and upset her, but not gain you anything.
uhtred is offline  
post #22 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:58 AM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: The Big O / S-Hai
Posts: 1,112
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Sounds like my wife. Sunday between 2pm and 5pm we will have "sex". (well she'll give me a HJ). Very rarely anything else (though a little more in the last few weeks for some reason, which is nice). I can't remember her ever agreeing to sex when I suggested it.

I don't think this is fixable. Accept or move on. It sucks (or I expect doesn't ;-( ) but there really may be nothing you acn do to improve things. Turning her down will just confuse and upset her, but not gain you anything.
What's your reason for accepting this? ie "staying"?
Steve1000 is offline  
post #23 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:16 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 9,036
Re: Thoughts on this

@alexm, I read your post with my mouth hanging open because I could have posted the exact same thing pretty much word for word. Including that I decided that this weekend is the weekend where it doesn't happen. My husband is pretty much the same as your wife - same time, never initiates, turns me down, etc. We've talked for decades and it isn't changing. I should say, I've tried talking and he gets mad when I do. I've decided it isn't a dealbreaker for me and I deal with it, it isn't a huge glaring problem for me but every once in a while it bubbles to the surface.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Hope1964 is offline  
post #24 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 12:41 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,543
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Sounds like my wife. Sunday between 2pm and 5pm we will have "sex". (well she'll give me a HJ). Very rarely anything else (though a little more in the last few weeks for some reason, which is nice). I can't remember her ever agreeing to sex when I suggested it.

I don't think this is fixable. Accept or move on. It sucks (or I expect doesn't ;-( ) but there really may be nothing you acn do to improve things. Turning her down will just confuse and upset her, but not gain you anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
@alexm, I read your post with my mouth hanging open because I could have posted the exact same thing pretty much word for word. Including that I decided that this weekend is the weekend where it doesn't happen. My husband is pretty much the same as your wife - same time, never initiates, turns me down, etc. We've talked for decades and it isn't changing. I should say, I've tried talking and he gets mad when I do. I've decided it isn't a dealbreaker for me and I deal with it, it isn't a huge glaring problem for me but every once in a while it bubbles to the surface.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
I think the thing here as well, you can't force someone who isn't in the mood for or doesn't wants sex to have sex. Someone who is LD is typically LD for a reason. Really just depends how important it is to you and your relationship. My situation is probably a little different (i.e. my W never rejects me per se and is more on the responsive desire side vs. LD), but at the end of the day there are many other things about our marriage which are great, so it isn't a dealbreaker for me. If other areas in our marriage were breaking down, this would probably be the icing on the cake to make me strongly reconsider.
EllisRedding is offline  
post #25 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,105
Re: Thoughts on this

alexm;

Man, I feel your pain. I think I understand where you are coming from.

A couple of pieces of advice.

(1) Denying a partner the opportunity for good sex, just because your are unhappy, pissed, etc. is really not a mature approach. I have stayed up late at night to make sure my wife is asleep to avoid sex with my wife and I don't feel good about doing that.

(2) I was taught by the Gottman's in their Art & Science of Love weekend course that if you want to negotiation a change with your spouse on a gridlock issue, you really need to understand their position and reasons. They joked and said only try to negotiate change on gridlock issues if you understand and can explain your partners reasons better than they can. This means you really need to understand their reasons from having listened and thought about them for a long time. Then and only then will you know enough that you can find areas of change around the edges to propose and try to work out a change.

My advice is for you not to perform you covert contract on imposing change on your wife. Instead, sit her down and talk to her, but most importantly listen to her. Ask her if for the next 4 weeks you can have a 2 hour block of her time once a week to discuss sex scheduling and/or frequency.

If she needs to have it scheduled and you need it to seem spontaneous, maybe you can take a dice cup with a single die, shake the cup&die, slam it down on the table, then walk away. The die will read 1 to 6. She can then decide based on the die how many days in the future you will have sex, put it in her schedule and not tell you about it. Maybe she (or you) can come up with a better solution.

Good luck.
Young at Heart is offline  
post #26 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:03 PM
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 10,587
Re: Thoughts on this

Alex,

I get the sense that part of the reason you two struggle is your delivery style - gets in the way of your message. I think she would respond better to a clear, very concise and low affect message:

I'm losing my desire to have sex with you, largely because you insist of having 100% control over frequency and schedule.

-------
And shortly after that message - you let her know you have scheduled something that conflicts with your routine. She's plenty smart and will connect A to B.

Probably best for you to accept that - she may casually slide into: **** you mode

And maybe that's ok with you.

That said - if she sees this as a potential end game situation and she is ok with that - that tells you something.

If she actually WANTS to stay together as opposed to remaining more due to inertia - she will make an effort to find a compromise.




Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
As many of you know, my wife is quite LD. Over the past couple of years, we seem to have settled in on once a week intimacy, and it pretty much happens only on one day of the week, over the weekend. Pretty much around the same time, as well.

Throughout the rest of week - nothing. Nothing sexual, no flirtiness, no build-up, etc. It is what it is.

Generally speaking, I am fine with this - the sex is actually good, and it's not one-sided.

However, I am getting tired of this 'schedule'. Knowing it's going to happen (without any build-up whatsoever, even right before). I know it's going to happen, and when. I do still try to initiate throughout the rest of the week on occasion, but more often than not (way more often), it's rejected.

So basically 95% of my sex life is on one day of the week, around the same time, and absolutely zero sex or even sexuality the rest of the time.

Yes, I've talked to her about this. She knows I don't like this scheduled/expected sex life. It removes any sort of anticipation or excitement from it. And even though the sex is good, it winds up being almost purely physical for me, because all the other things around sex are simply removed. In essence, it's basically just going through the motions.

I'm at the point now where I simply don't want this anymore, but I'm at a crossroads about what to do. My only recourse that I can see at this point in time is to reject and/or avoid these scheduled sessions, but in all likelihood it'd backfire. I'm just not enthusiastic about it anymore, even though it's my only real sexual outlet.

There have been 4 or 5 times in the past 2 weeks in which we were home alone for extended periods of time. An entire weekend, even. This is rare for that to happen this often. No sex during this time, and even the 'free' weekend, it still ended up happening on the same day at the same time. I hinted, initiated, even bluntly said "hey, let's go upstairs" - nothing.

I'm not trying to figure out my wife - I already know what she is. This has been discussed ad nauseum here, and also with her. But the reality is that I'm starting to feel used, if that's even possible. It's always on her schedule - a literal schedule, at that. The only reason I've kept going on her schedule is that it's sex, and I want to have sex. But I'm simply tired of the way it goes down, and the fact that it's figuratively marked on a calendar.

So this weekend, I've planned to avoid. It's baseball season (yay!), so I have an excuse to not come to bed. I'm torn to whether or not she'll care, or if she does, if she says anything. I've rejected her in the past a minute amount of times, and she generally hasn't taken it well, but I've had legitimate excuses (total exhaustion, mainly). But I've never said no to, or avoided sex with her when I'm feeling fine.

It's juvenile, but it's also pretty last ditch. It's likely it won't help things, but I'm at the point now where I'm genuinely tired of simply doing it on her schedule. I also feel (well, know, really) that she obviously requires this schedule to become aroused and/or psyched up to have sex.
MEM2020 is online now  
post #27 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:14 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: Thoughts on this

Sex is an important part of marriage, but not the only part. She was always like this, I may not have really understood what I was getting into when we got married, but she did not in any way deceive me.

Leaving would hurt her terribly and I'm not willing to do that. It isn't her fault that she has almost no natural interest in sex.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
What's your reason for accepting this? ie "staying"?
uhtred is offline  
post #28 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:28 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,025
Re: Thoughts on this

Decide on an outcome you can live with. You aren't going to manage to switch from what she wants to what you want.

A compromise might be that she gets that control she needs most of the time but you get to choose once a month - and she agrees to go along with that as long as you aren't going to then stretch it to 2 and 3 times a month.
anonmd is offline  
post #29 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:28 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,701
Re: Thoughts on this

I read a bunch of old hands give good advice.

But, as usual, @MEM2020 wins.

If you're going to stay no matter what then you'll have to weigh "exactly like it is now" against the chances that she'll change (x), that you'll have less sex but you'll have the self respect of not being under her control (y) and the chances that you'll have no sex at all (z).

If now is a 3 on a 10 point scale; I'd put the probabilities at 5% chance of getting better, 80% of less sex but more control and 15% of no sex at all.

Plug in the values for x, y and z, change my probabilities if needed, run the calculations and you'll have your answer.

If you're not going to stay no matter what, then say what MEM said; the way he said it and then go with @Holdingontoit and withdraw from her those things that she most values from you and which you mostly do for her sake.
Buddy400 is offline  
post #30 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,701
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Sex is an important part of marriage, but not the only part. She was always like this, I may not have really understood what I was getting into when we got married, but she did not in any way deceive me.

Leaving would hurt her terribly and I'm not willing to do that. It isn't her fault that she has almost no natural interest in sex.
The thing about your wife that so annoys me isn't that "she has almost no natural interest in sex" but the way that she dismisses your needs out of hand.

People who love you don't do that. And, if they do, they shouldn't get away with it.
Buddy400 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts WhiskeyVictor Considering Divorce or Separation 9 09-17-2016 12:55 AM
Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? Beautiful-day-I-hope The Family & Parenting Forums 15 04-19-2016 12:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome