OK, maybe trap is too strong a word. It connotes some intent to cause the other person harm, and in most cases I think that intent is absent. But I think there is an element of knowing misrepresentation in most instances. So whatever word you want to use to describe it, the absence of transparency is at the core here. I think most LDs, if they were honest, would admit this.
did. I give her huge kudos for that. She admitted that knew she feels zero desire for sex, she knew sex was required for the relationship with her ex to continue, she wanted the relationship to continue, so she provided sex even though she didn't want it for herself. I do not think she is an evil person. I hope she stays here. I think her point of view is desperately needed.
But the bottom line is that she mislead her ex. She pretended to more desire or more willingness to provide sex than she truly felt. And she hid this fact from him. Because she feared he would end the relationship if she were transparent.
And as I continue to argue to LDs, she got exactly the result that could be expected. Both of them eventually became unhappy. They were happier apart than together. As I tell every LD, there is a simple solution for this. Be honest with your partner before you get married. Tell them that you don't enjoy sex with them very much. Tell them that you intend to provide sex even though you don't desire it, because you understand that sex is important to them and you want to make them happy. Many many mismatches will be avoided because the HD will quite rightly recognize that this is a bad match and will end the relationship. Which is the best outcome FOR BOTH.
The tougher situation is the one @Buddy400
points out. Where the LD hits only after NRE wears off, after the kids arrive, etc. In that case, you can't avoid the mismatch with transparency because the mismatch doesn't arrive until after the couple is deeply intertwined. Transparency at that point doesn't eliminate the problem.
I can only speak for myself.
Honesty and transparency is something I value highly.
I've always been very honest in my relationships, sometimes too much so.
My H and I dated for 4 years before marriage. We were well past the honeymoon period when we married. I had two kids, and got slammed by PPD and other medical problems. That changed everything.
There was not any way I could have predicted that I'd end up where I am now with my health problems. Nothing life threatening, but still things that cause a lot of daily suffering.
I agree with you that no one should purposely mislead someone else into marriage. That's horrible. A really low thing to do.
But when you take those vows "in sickness and in health, in good times and bad" - you are taking them without having a crystal ball that lays out for you exactly what your spouses future will hold. You took them and meant them at that time.
We will not have an open marriage, but my H knows he is free to divorce me at any time and I will not fight him on it. I always tell him - the door is always open, feel free to walk out of it anytime. That sounds awful, but I do feel guilt over having him saddled to me when I cannot help my condition. I don't think I could have done anything differently to predict this would happen. I surely don't want him to be unhappy and feel like he's stuck with me.
I'm a very independent person - probably too independent, to be honest - and I'd be fine on my own. When you love someone you want them to be happy. There are certain facets of his happiness that I cannot provide to him. I cannot decide for him what he wants to do to fix it - he could decide one day to leave. I would understand.
For me personally, I will stay with my H until the day he decides to leave me, if that day ever comes. Barring anything truly awful such as cheating or abuse. I don't "need" anything from him - I just love him and love having him around. I think the fact that I don't actually "need" him is a big sticking point for him. If he gets sick or incapacitated, I'm here to take care of him and stay with him. I think he feels an obligation to do the same, because I'm "sick" and he took those vows.
It's hard because each person has different deal breakers that would cause them to end their marriage despite the vows that they took. My deal breaker threshold happens to be very very high. I *think* his is too, but I'm always waiting around for that shoe to drop one day. Sometimes I think he stays because he knows I would never leave myself, and that makes him feel guilty for throwing away that loyalty.
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