Thoughts on this - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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The beginning of your post also describes my situation. To make the special Saturday night interesting, we have a date night with a couple of drinks. When we come home, she is completely willing to wear any lingerie that I pick. While it is only one night per week, followed by once the next morning, it is of high quality for both of us. Quality beats quantity in my book.
Ah, see, I would be absolutely fine with that, honestly!

But as I said, there's no sexuality outside of this ~20-40 minutes per week. I've tried. She doesn't respond to flirting, touching, etc. A couple of drinks makes her tired, one drink has no effect. We DO do date nights, and spend a pretty decent amount of time together, actually doing things.

But this one time a week, and not a minute before or after, she's an animal. It's like she has sexual OCD.

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post #32 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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It's juvenile, but it's also pretty last ditch. It's likely it won't help things, but I'm at the point now where I'm genuinely tired of simply doing it on her schedule. I also feel (well, know, really) that she obviously requires this schedule to become aroused and/or psyched up to have sex.
I'm going to buck the trend of advice to keep initiating here. It's not juvenile to turn down sex that makes you feel bad. When you hit that point where sex makes you feel worse about yourself after you have it, you have an obligation to yourself to stop. Whether you choose to (or are successful at) changing the dynamic that makes it pleasurable again is a different matter. But don't keep doing something that she's obviously not into, and makes you feel bad. Nobody wins from that.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #33 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Sex is an important part of marriage, but not the only part. She was always like this, I may not have really understood what I was getting into when we got married, but she did not in any way deceive me.

Leaving would hurt her terribly and I'm not willing to do that. It isn't her fault that she has almost no natural interest in sex.
I agree that sex is not the only important part, but the fact that she turned you down almost every time you asked for it makes me question how much she cares about your happiness. Does she realize that you would be happier if she surprised you occasionally during the week with even a HJ? What does she do to show you that she loves and cares about you?
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post #34 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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@alexm, I read your post with my mouth hanging open because I could have posted the exact same thing pretty much word for word. Including that I decided that this weekend is the weekend where it doesn't happen. My husband is pretty much the same as your wife - same time, never initiates, turns me down, etc. We've talked for decades and it isn't changing. I should say, I've tried talking and he gets mad when I do. I've decided it isn't a dealbreaker for me and I deal with it, it isn't a huge glaring problem for me but every once in a while it bubbles to the surface.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
Hey, we have something in common! lol, J/K

Yeah, I'm not planning this to try and fix things really. It's truly just that I'm sick of it.

I like sex as much as the next guy or girl - the actual act, I mean - but it's everything else that goes with sex that I'm desperately missing.

I have little doubt my wife actually DOES want to have sex, and with me, at that - but not at any time other than the one that she currently schedules in her mind. I imagine your husband is the same way. I don't believe I've ever read that you have any complaints about the actual sex you have with your husband, and I certainly don't with my wife - just that it's everything else that goes with sex, the other 99% of any given week.

I don't know about you, but for me, it's not the frequency at all. Once a week is do-able for me. Like you, I imagine, I'd prefer more, but it's not the be-all, end-all. It's just "show some interest, or at least humour me outside of this same exact time frame every week, FFS".

You and I have zero control over our sex lives, and that's the issue for me. Telling myself I can say no, that I'm going to say no, gives me a level of control. It may not solve things, it may even make it worse, but at this point, eff that.

In reality, I don't want any expectation of sex, whatsoever. I mean, I expect to have sex, but not in this way. I'd like to go out on a date with my wife, come home, and have her lead me upstairs, or jump me, or touch me in the car on the way home. **** normal people do with their partners. **** that I do, or try to do, with her, but it flies right over her head or is ignored.

It infuriates me further, because I don't know how many times female friends of ours remark how well I treat her, or tell her that she's lucky, or (in more than one case) turn to their husbands and say "why don't you do things like that for me?". Hell, she tells me when her girlfriends say things like this to her and I'm not around.

ps. Good luck! Let's compare notes on Monday

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #35 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Ah, see, I would be absolutely fine with that, honestly!

But as I said, there's no sexuality outside of this ~20-40 minutes per week. I've tried. She doesn't respond to flirting, touching, etc. A couple of drinks makes her tired, one drink has no effect. We DO do date nights, and spend a pretty decent amount of time together, actually doing things.

But this one time a week, and not a minute before or after, she's an animal. It's like she has sexual OCD.
When it's time to begin, would she be willing to wear something sexy if she knew that you'd appreciate it?
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post #36 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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But don't keep doing something that she's obviously not into, and makes you feel bad. Nobody wins from that.
I had the impression that his wife does get into it after they begin.
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post #37 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post

I don't know about you, but for me, it's not the frequency at all. Once a week is do-able for me. Like you, I imagine, I'd prefer more, but it's not the be-all, end-all. It's just "show some interest, or at least humour me outside of this same exact time frame every week, FFS".

You and I have zero control over our sex lives, and that's the issue for me. Telling myself I can say no, that I'm going to say no, gives me a level of control. It may not solve things, it may even make it worse, but at this point, eff that.

ps. Good luck! Let's compare notes on Monday
OK it's a date LOL

What you posted last pretty much sums it up for me, yup.

All the solutions people are posting I know won't work for us, because i've tried pretty much everything ten or twenty times. We also tried scheduling sex more often, which we did for a couple of months and then he decided it was more effort than it was worth.

I've just kind of gotten to the point where I want to see if he even NOTICES when I get out of bed on Saturday morning without having sex first. It's possible that I will sleep longer than he does in which case I can expect to wake up to what he calls foreplay, at which point he gets angry if I just up and leave the bed, and frankly once we're at that point I just want whatever I can get. So we shall see - if that happens my notes will have to wait a week. It shouldn't though - I usually wake up a couple hours before he does and have to sit in bed reading till he wakes up if I want to get any. Sigh.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #38 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I had the impression that his wife does get into it after they begin.
That's kind of the mystery with Alex's wife. He's stated in the past that it's almost like a performance.

And regardless of whether she's into it or not, he no longer is.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #39 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
I'm going to buck the trend of advice to keep initiating here. It's not juvenile to turn down sex that makes you feel bad. When you hit that point where sex makes you feel worse about yourself after you have it, you have an obligation to yourself to stop. Whether you choose to (or are successful at) changing the dynamic that makes it pleasurable again is a different matter. But don't keep doing something that she's obviously not into, and makes you feel bad. Nobody wins from that.
I hear you.

I wouldn't say it makes me feel bad, just empty. It's become meaningless, other than to get off. Perhaps she's feeling an emotional connection during this, I don't actually know, TBH, but I'm not any more.

For some people, scheduling works. There have been entire threads about that subject. But in each case, both people actually require sex, I think, and they make it an emotional event, including anticipating the evening together, or going out on a date, or whatever. We don't have that. Whether we're out doing something, with people or just the two of us, or sitting on the couch, or hanging with the kids - it's the same thing every time. There's no giddy excitement about what's to come later that evening, or even in 5 minutes.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #40 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I had the impression that his wife does get into it after they begin.
Big time, yeah. Which makes it all the more confusing to me. I've called it 'porn sex' here before, and that's pretty much the best description I can give of it.

Physically, I've never had sex this good in my life, and I can't imagine anybody could top her - no exaggeration.

It's so confusing.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #41 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I hear you.

I wouldn't say it makes me feel bad, just empty. It's become meaningless, other than to get off. Perhaps she's feeling an emotional connection during this, I don't actually know, TBH, but I'm not any more.

For some people, scheduling works. There have been entire threads about that subject. But in each case, both people actually require sex, I think, and they make it an emotional event, including anticipating the evening together, or going out on a date, or whatever. We don't have that. Whether we're out doing something, with people or just the two of us, or sitting on the couch, or hanging with the kids - it's the same thing every time. There's no giddy excitement about what's to come later that evening, or even in 5 minutes.
I've had the kind of sex that you're talking about. Empty. It sucks.

My opinion is that if I'm going to have empty sex, I'll just do for myself.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #42 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Big time, yeah. Which makes it all the more confusing to me. I've called it 'porn sex' here before, and that's pretty much the best description I can give of it.

Physically, I've never had sex this good in my life, and I can't imagine anybody could top her - no exaggeration.

It's so confusing.
Alex, when you two have sex, is there ever smiling or laughter on her part?

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #43 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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That's kind of the mystery with Alex's wife. He's stated in the past that it's almost like a performance.

And regardless of whether she's into it or not, he no longer is.
Not a performance (or if it is, it's A++!). I won't be 'that guy' who says "I can tell she's not faking", lol, because WTF do I really know about women, anyway?

What I do know is that she wouldn't bother faking this for this long, at this level.

She LIKES sex, she likes sex with ME - just once a week, with none of the stuff that goes on before or after, at any other time throughout the week, or even that DAY.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #44 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
OK it's a date LOL

What you posted last pretty much sums it up for me, yup.

All the solutions people are posting I know won't work for us, because i've tried pretty much everything ten or twenty times. We also tried scheduling sex more often, which we did for a couple of months and then he decided it was more effort than it was worth.

I've just kind of gotten to the point where I want to see if he even NOTICES when I get out of bed on Saturday morning without having sex first. It's possible that I will sleep longer than he does in which case I can expect to wake up to what he calls foreplay, at which point he gets angry if I just up and leave the bed, and frankly once we're at that point I just want whatever I can get. So we shall see - if that happens my notes will have to wait a week. It shouldn't though - I usually wake up a couple hours before he does and have to sit in bed reading till he wakes up if I want to get any. Sigh.
The bolded made me laugh, and I'm sorry for that!

You have Saturday morning, I have Saturday night - but it's the same thing. By that point, I need it, so I fall for it. Stay awake for it, or go to bed when she's ready, that sort of thing. Much like how you stay in bed until he wakes up, or get woken up by whatever it is he's doing to you, lol!

Urgh.

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post #45 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
Alex, when you two have sex, is there ever smiling or laughter on her part?
Usually, yes. She's not just going through the motions. She really is enjoying herself, and it's not just "business time".

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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