Thoughts on this - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 2239Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:35 PM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,669
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Usually, yes. She's not just going through the motions. She really is enjoying herself, and it's not just "business time".
That's good. If she's legit enjoying it, Mem's advice may work.

Is she this rigid with other aspects of her life, or just this area?

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:42 PM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 919
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Not a performance (or if it is, it's A++!). I won't be 'that guy' who says "I can tell she's not faking", lol, because WTF do I really know about women, anyway?
What would happen if you stop a minute after you begin and tell her that you want her to put on a little seductive show for you?
Steve1000 is offline  
post #48 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,718
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
That's good. If she's legit enjoying it, Mem's advice may work.

Is she this rigid with other aspects of her life, or just this area?
Yeah, Mem's a genius. I really need to listen to him more often.

Not really, no. My ex wife was a scheduler and all-around OCD nightmare. Wife #2 not at all. Fly by the seat of our pants in just about anything else.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is online now  
post #49 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:31 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,718
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
What would happen if you stop a minute after you begin and tell her that you want her to put on a little seductive show for you?
Because what she's already doing works just fine!

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is online now  
post #50 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:07 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,348
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Usually, yes. She's not just going through the motions. She really is enjoying herself, and it's not just "business time".
Yep... it gets even more weird as time and bodies go on. It's gone from chandelier sex to "how's your back this weekend" and things we started with are not even in the mix anymore because, well, bodies change and the feeling in those part as well but in the end, I know if Sunday afternoon comes, the default schedule says that one of us better!

So you do date nights, and spend a pretty decent amount of time together, actually doing things... sounds like you have fun together.

And after your fun on the car ride home do you mean touch you like "hold your hand" or touch you like when you were first dating and groping each other all over the place?

The sword of frustration you are willing to fall on... choose it wisely.

नमस्ते 🙏
Emerging Buddhist is offline  
post #51 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,380
Re: Thoughts on this

In many ways my wife is similar. The big difference is that she does greatly enjoy non-sexual intimacy during the week. Fairly frequently she even suggests that it would be nice to get to bed early for sex - but very rarely does she actually go through with it.

I think she never accepts my offers for sex, because if she wanted sex she would ask.

She clearly thinks that the purpose of sex is for both parties to get off, and that doing this once a week is reasonable. Sunday afternoons work well. Its after doing the grocery shopping and lunch, but before we get diner and watch a movie in the evening. A good efficient time for sex.

Since the function of sex is getting off, and she has found techniques for us to both do this with a minimum of effort, she sees no reason to change. She seems a combination of confused and hurt if I indicate that I don't really enjoy HJs - after all I get off so what could the problem possibly be? Often when I am doing things for her, she wants me to go to using the vibrator that gets her off quickly.

When I've turned her down for sex she seemed honestly confused. I think sex is so different for her that she can't imagine that what we are doing isn't a great sex life. Can't imagine why we would have sex at anything other than the most practical time in the week.
uhtred is offline  
post #52 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,380
Re: Thoughts on this

She buys me thoughtful gifts. Makes dinners that I like. Tells me that she loves me. Give me hugs and kisses. She is a wonderful affectionate wife, she just doesn't want sex.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
I agree that sex is not the only important part, but the fact that she turned you down almost every time you asked for it makes me question how much she cares about your happiness. Does she realize that you would be happier if she surprised you occasionally during the week with even a HJ? What does she do to show you that she loves and cares about you?
uhtred is offline  
post #53 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,250
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
In many ways my wife is similar. The big difference is that she does greatly enjoy non-sexual intimacy during the week. Fairly frequently she even suggests that it would be nice to get to bed early for sex - but very rarely does she actually go through with it.

I think she never accepts my offers for sex, because if she wanted sex she would ask.

She clearly thinks that the purpose of sex is for both parties to get off, and that doing this once a week is reasonable. Sunday afternoons work well. Its after doing the grocery shopping and lunch, but before we get diner and watch a movie in the evening. A good efficient time for sex.

Since the function of sex is getting off, and she has found techniques for us to both do this with a minimum of effort, she sees no reason to change. She seems a combination of confused and hurt if I indicate that I don't really enjoy HJs - after all I get off so what could the problem possibly be? Often when I am doing things for her, she wants me to go to using the vibrator that gets her off quickly.

When I've turned her down for sex she seemed honestly confused. I think sex is so different for her that she can't imagine that what we are doing isn't a great sex life. Can't imagine why we would have sex at anything other than the most practical time in the week.
Sheepishly raising my hand over here. I am the same as your wife. I've read thread after thread here about how everyone else experiences sex and still can't wrap my head around it. Logically I can read the words and understand their meaning, I just can't imagine what it would be like to feel anything other than this!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk
kag123 is offline  
post #54 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:46 PM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 919
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
She buys me thoughtful gifts. Makes dinners that I like. Tells me that she loves me. Give me hugs and kisses. She is a wonderful affectionate wife, she just doesn't want sex.
Thanks. I can see why you chose to stay.
Steve1000 is offline  
post #55 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,380
Re: Thoughts on this

It seems clear that different people experience sex very differently. It doesn't seem to be a male female thing, but something else - genetics? conditioning? who knows.

I see this as a very important piece of information for young people to have so that they can have happy relationships. That this sort of sexual compatibility is important for happiness, and that it seems fairly innate and doesn't often change very much.

I think there is a lot of variation in other things as well. I really enjoy adrenaline rush things. Parasailing off of mountains, aerobatic airplanes etc. Other people would find these very unpleasant. OTOH, I absolutely hate sitting still for a concert even though I love music.

I wonder if sex matter so much to me because I am very emphatic. I enjoy my partner's pleasure as much as my own.

I can no more imagine how you feel about sex than you can imagine how I feel. That means that even if we were well matched and wonderful people in other ways we would never be a really happy couple. If we'd met young though, we might not have recognized that until too late.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kag123 View Post
Sheepishly raising my hand over here. I am the same as your wife. I've read thread after thread here about how everyone else experiences sex and still can't wrap my head around it. Logically I can read the words and understand their meaning, I just can't imagine what it would be like to feel anything other than this!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk
uhtred is offline  
post #56 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:22 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
In many ways my wife is similar. The big difference is that she does greatly enjoy non-sexual intimacy during the week. Fairly frequently she even suggests that it would be nice to get to bed early for sex - but very rarely does she actually go through with it.

I think she never accepts my offers for sex, because if she wanted sex she would ask.

She clearly thinks that the purpose of sex is for both parties to get off, and that doing this once a week is reasonable. Sunday afternoons work well. Its after doing the grocery shopping and lunch, but before we get diner and watch a movie in the evening. A good efficient time for sex.

Since the function of sex is getting off, and she has found techniques for us to both do this with a minimum of effort, she sees no reason to change. She seems a combination of confused and hurt if I indicate that I don't really enjoy HJs - after all I get off so what could the problem possibly be? Often when I am doing things for her, she wants me to go to using the vibrator that gets her off quickly.

When I've turned her down for sex she seemed honestly confused. I think sex is so different for her that she can't imagine that what we are doing isn't a great sex life. Can't imagine why we would have sex at anything other than the most practical time in the week.
Wow - this is an awesome post - it's opened my eyes I think. My husband is ridiculously practical - I never even thought about it applying to sex. OMG.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #57 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:47 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,577
Re: Thoughts on this

@alexm.

I am very sorry and I would feel the same way you do.

I can't really advise you because I'm not civilized like you.

I really appreciate your well thought out responses and have even agreed with you a few times! LOL!😁

I pray you two can communicate and meet each others' needs.

It seems there is an unfortunate power balance in your marriage and your wife likes control.

It doesn't seem very loving to me.
ConanHub is offline  
post #58 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:48 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 103
Re: Thoughts on this

The only thing wrong about the situation is you have decided to think it's wrong. If you did that...you are also capable of deciding it's awesome great and the baseline from which you can build.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
crocus is offline  
post #59 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:14 PM
Member
 
introvert's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 118
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post

But this one time a week, and not a minute before or after, she's an animal. It's like she has sexual OCD.
Wow...I wonder if she would be interested in kinking things up a bit? That is very exciting. My gf and I text each other the days before we get together, hatching out scene plans. It's extremely arousing. We are both high drive, but if you introduce something new into your usual sex play, that might get her juices flowing a bit more. It might work, even with a low drive person.

I hear you about quality over quantity. I really hope that you can hash things out with your wife. Communication is ALWAYS the best option, not some passive/aggressive blowing the weekend date off sort of stuff that I've been seeing on here. Honestly goes a long ways.

Best regards, and I hope you find a happy medium. You are one of my fave peeps on here.
introvert is offline  
post #60 of 1530 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,718
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by introvert View Post
Wow...I wonder if she would be interested in kinking things up a bit? That is very exciting. My gf and I text each other the days before we get together, hatching out scene plans. It's extremely arousing. We are both high drive, but if you introduce something new into your usual sex play, that might get her juices flowing a bit more. It might work, even with a low drive person.

I hear you about quality over quantity. I really hope that you can hash things out with your wife. Communication is ALWAYS the best option, not some passive/aggressive blowing the weekend date off sort of stuff that I've been seeing on here. Honestly goes a long ways.

Best regards, and I hope you find a happy medium. You are one of my fave peeps on here.
Thanks!

Yeah, when I say 'there's no sex/sexuality' outside of this particular time frame, I mean it. That includes talking about it, too.

Maybe I have to talk to her right smack dab in the middle of it?

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts WhiskeyVictor Considering Divorce or Separation 9 09-17-2016 12:55 AM
Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? Beautiful-day-I-hope The Family & Parenting Forums 15 04-19-2016 12:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome