and Odo whose participation here I still miss, I do the same thing to my wife. Since it's nice to tease her sexually for a brief moment, during times when neither of us is going to do anything. To the point that it excites both of us, and it frequently puts my wife into the mindset of wanting to have sex later.
Doing this is all very low key to begin with and is done in passing with escalation, in a very brief way that is quite playful with an explicit sexual edge.
So it can be as simple as walking up to her while she's reading or hanging out the washing. Then gently kissing her neck for a moment or sliding my teeth down the back of her neck and then walking away. Then maybe half an hour or more frequently an hour later, I will do it again only what I do is different, so I will kiss her lips rather provocatively and linger, then smile and again walk.
Then I will see her a bit later and I will say show me and she will reveal something and I will go about my day. Then I will in passing walk up to her and lift up her dress and then firmly grip her behind while moving her underwear out of the way and she will feel me as I bend her over and then I stop, smile and again walk away.
For years we've maintained this buzz of sexual anticipation and excitement. The only limits are your imagination.
You can draw this out when you have time or compress it when you don't, flirting and touching for us happens every day even when we don't end up taking the time to share sex. If we didn't flirt and build up tension all of the time, I doubt we would share that much sex with each other.
I don't know if you've done this with your wife, yet I think it's worth a shot if you have tried in the past and gotten nowhere. Plus I don't think you need to do this to have sex. There are lots of times when the flirting and building of sexual tension, without consummation on that day can be really nice.
I know we can become set in our ways, yet we can also often change as well. My wife waited until she was almost 26 to have sex, which would rightly give some people pause as a red flag in terms of sexual drive yet she's really into sex.
Plus she has evolved over time, where years ago she would never flashed me while we're out. While for the past few years she now finds it very exciting to do exactly that, she says she doesn't know why yet it now turns her on when I tell her to show me stuff and she checks to see no one is around and does exactly that.
If you're open to make mistakes, laugh about it when things are clumsy and give it a go, your wife might surprise you along the way as she gets older. Don't pretend to be what you're not, but do have the confidence to try to lead her where you would like to go sexually. And do laugh with her when things seem out of the norm for you both.
As to not want to ride the schedule merry go round, you could just say "I don't want it right now, but I'll let you know when I do".
Then you can try the flirting, while keeping it very low key for a while without going after sex. Then later at other times escalate and build it more explicitly, to the point that you can walk her to the lounge, or the table, standing up, leaning her against the wall or even get her to the bed and then have your way with her. By building that tension, a woman can want to be consumed in the moment before you get them in bed. Although beds are great for sex and as we get older more comfy, don't discount all sorts of places except the bed and don't think sex needs to be a big production for it to be so deeply luscious.
All of that said I don't have any magic answers I get things wrong plenty of times as well, you're just as capable as me or anyone else. Maybe you have both got yourself stuck in a rut that has become a trench. I figure you can both find a way to errect some ladders to get out of it, by not discounting that you both do change along the way.