Thoughts on this - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

Now let's hear the passion-free formula 😎

... Crickets...
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post #77 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:38 PM
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Now let's hear the passion-free formula 😎

... Crickets...
I don't understand, why should there be a passion free formula?
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post #78 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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As many of you know, my wife is quite LD. Over the past couple of years, we seem to have settled in on once a week intimacy, and it pretty much happens only on one day of the week, over the weekend. Pretty much around the same time, as well.
Scheduled intimacy is fine but not when it's the only intimacy you get. My wife and I tend to fall into the same dynamic, which I admit is partly my fault and partly hers. For us, going on a vacation turns all of that upside down for a while though. I think it's because we have a week of lounging around a pool and beach, and eating and drinking, and not being stressed about daily life. She walks around daily in a bikini which drives me nuts (and others nuts I'm sure). I think her feeling sexy makes her more sexual and makes me a little more aggressive as well.

My point is that both of us are more ready for spontaneous intimacy for a while after vacation. Just a thought. Book a trip .

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post #79 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Scheduled intimacy is fine but not when it's the only intimacy you get. My wife and I tend to fall into the same dynamic, which I admit is partly my fault and partly hers. For us, going on a vacation turns all of that upside down for a while though. I think it's because we have a week of lounging around a pool and beach, and eating and drinking, and not being stressed about daily life. She walks around daily in a bikini which drives me nuts (and others nuts I'm sure). I think her feeling sexy makes her more sexual and makes me a little more aggressive as well.

My point is that both of us are more ready for spontaneous intimacy for a while after vacation. Just a thought. Book a trip .
We've gone away a fair amount of times over the years, and yes, it makes a difference. While on vacation, every day feels like Saturday, so the frequency increases. But oddly enough, the quality isn't as good, likely because it's more than once a week.

Wonder how good it would be if it was once a month? I don't think I want to find out...!

You are right, though, and I know you're not the only one. Vacation sex, or otherwise being away from work, kids, family, stress and general obligations tend to up the sex for many. No different here. But I can't afford to take 6 vacations a year

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post #80 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I don't understand, why should there be a passion free formula?
There isn't one.

One of the major deficiencies in tam is the lack of people who have successfully addressed LD spouse issues in a repeatable, measurable, and explainable manner. Thus, much of the advise offered is either from people who never experienced the issue at hand, experienced it but had a cooperating and involved LD spouse (unicorn territory), or those who haven't​ found a solution yet.

Makes for fun reading tho, nearly as much fun as reading consumer reviews of the stuff I help design 😎.
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post #81 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Wonder how good it would be if it was once a month? I don't think I want to find out...
It's pretty phenomenal, TBH . But not worth the, ehem, effort.

In a few years when she decides 1x every two weeks is the norm and you go along, then 1x a month, you'll recall my advise and maybe go back to read what I wrote about SLA. Pity I'm not 20 years​ younger, my SLA theory would make an awesome NIH grant application.
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post #82 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:28 PM
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Thoughts on this

Like others said---Decide what you can live with. After our third child my wife was kind of like you have stated earlier. On a schedule about once a week. After a short period of time we had a sit down conversation where I basically said this will not work for me and I am unwilling to spend the next 50 years like this. I truly meant what I said and I made it very clear. She knew I wasn't bluffing. That was 8 1/2 years ago and there has not been a problem since. We usually have sex 3-5 times a week. I can live with that.
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post #83 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

John,

Unfortunately we have a fairly limited view of the LD world. And the reason for that is fairly obvious.

They get treated bad and either stop posting about their situation or leave TAM entirely.

I see every LD participant as a golden opportunity to help their (probably) frustrated HD partner - by helping them. Help LD person = help the marriage = help the sex life.....

That is clearly a minority viewpoint.

And - WRT sexually frustrated folks - very few of them have the sort of mindset that @farsidejunky brought to the table.


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There isn't one.

One of the major deficiencies in tam is the lack of people who have successfully addressed LD spouse issues in a repeatable, measurable, and explainable manner. Thus, much of the advise offered is either from people who never experienced the issue at hand, experienced it but had a cooperating and involved LD spouse (unicorn territory), or those who haven't​ found a solution yet.

Makes for fun reading tho, nearly as much fun as reading consumer reviews of the stuff I help design 😎.
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post #84 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:32 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

LD is virtually all about control, and not about some mysterious psychosomatic ailments​ that make some people dislike intimacy.

You could have a TAM Prime's worth of LD posters and I doubt even one would step up to the plate and present the real reason.
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post #85 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

John,
I think that is generally the case. The control theme. Thing is - there's two sides to this coin. LD: control
HD: Ego protection

And you my man - are a poster child for the latter. It's why you can't see the catalyst for J2's slow motion implosion.

At a certain point - she figured out that you love the girls more - way more - than you love her. Love - in this case - quantitatively expressed in budgets. As in: the best is barely good enough for the girls
And the 'best' as it pertains to J2's desires - was met with thinly veiled contempt.




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LD is virtually all about control, and not about some mysterious psychosomatic ailments​ that make some people dislike intimacy.

You could have a TAM Prime's worth of LD posters and I doubt even one would step up to the plate and present the real reason.
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post #86 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

MEM, why do you think LD is about control? Why is it not just about preference?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #87 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

I don't think they are mutually exclusive. Control is exerted because there is a preference.

Now, what led to that preference may be their natural drive, a history of sexual assault, poor treatment by the other spouse, or anywhere in between.

However, control is necessary to remain LD, and every LD I can recall who has come on to TAM to talk about it is clearly desiring such. F2 is no different.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #88 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

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MEM, why do you think LD is about control? Why is it not just about preference?
I don't think it's about control, but the person who is LD requires it to maintain their self-imposed 'ideal' amount of sex, or sexual contact OR to keep it at their maximum amount of sex or sexual contact. (my wife is the latter, with once a week being her max, not her ideal.)

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post #89 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:36 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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John,
I think that is generally the case. The control theme. Thing is - there's two sides to this coin. LD: control
HD: Ego protection

And you my man - are a poster child for the latter. It's why you can't see the catalyst for J2's slow motion implosion.

At a certain point - she figured out that you love the girls more - way more - than you love her. Love - in this case - quantitatively expressed in budgets. As in: the best is barely good enough for the girls
And the 'best' as it pertains to J2's desires - was met with thinly veiled contempt
.
Hmm, maybe but I don't know. Flip that script, women do that all the time. A virtual genetic prime directive.
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post #90 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thoughts on this

Update #1 - no sex last night, but I didn't have to avoid or reject. Went to bed at the same time after being out most of the night (but not too late). She wanted to snuggle, so we did for a while. I imagine she was expecting it would turn into something, but I kept my hands to myself.

I actually enjoyed the cuddling, knowing that it wasn't going to turn into something. We talked about the evening, and plans for today. Eventually I rolled over and slept like a baby.

I have no doubt she went to bed wondering why I didn't make a move for sex, but I don't think she was too upset about it, either.

So there you go - I stuck to my guns and didn't have to make an issue out of it.

Keep in mind, folks, I'm not doing this to prove a point to her, so much as I'm just not happy with things the way they are at the moment. Sex on her schedule doesn't make me feel good. Talking to her about it has accomplished nothing. This isn't a protest or a 'work-to-rule' so much as it is me just not wanting to feel empty. If she had been aggressive last night, I wouldn't have stopped her, or pushed her off or anything - I don't want to totally reject her, as that would be very counter productive.

But Hope has the right idea in regards to her husband and my similar issue - I'm not going to chase this any longer. We happened to go to bed at the same time last night, I didn't go to bed because she was going to bed, therefore that was my chance, or my 'opening'. As Hope said, her sex life is essentially the same as mine, but instead of bedtime, once a week, it's morning, once a week. If she's awake before her hubby, she'll wait for him to wake up and then do what he normally does, and she gets laid. If he wakes before her, she'll be woken up by him for sex.

So, like her, we're both working around our spouses schedule, on the one day a week, and that one time, where we know it's going to happen if we just follow their rules. Yeah, we know we can get laid at that one time, but we have no control over it.

For me, it's a shift in mindset. I had been conditioned (like Pavlov's dog) to get my sex fix at that day and time. So yes, I was getting laid, but I had no control over any of it.

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