Thoughts on this - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

OP, do you believe it is a control thing or just low desire on her part? The thing is, most women need and want an emotional connection to desire sex. I know I do and I love sex with my husband. I'm not saying that you're not trying, but to some women "Let's go upstairs" is not necessarily going to get us in the mood.

The number 1 thing that makes me desire sex is non-sexual intimacy outside of the bedroom.

If she isn't feeling desire and she has sex with you anyway, it can create an aversion, which may be what's happening. She does it to appease you but no longer enjoys it herself.
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post #107 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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She does it to appease you but no longer enjoys it herself.
But I got the impression that the sex was mad good from what alexm said upthread???
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post #108 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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Big time, yeah. Which makes it all the more confusing to me. I've called it 'porn sex' here before, and that's pretty much the best description I can give of it.

Physically, I've never had sex this good in my life, and I can't imagine anybody could top her - no exaggeration.

It's so confusing.


^^Here.
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post #109 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:04 AM
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Big time, yeah. Which makes it all the more confusing to me. I've called it 'porn sex' here before, and that's pretty much the best description I can give of it.

Physically, I've never had sex this good in my life, and I can't imagine anybody could top her - no exaggeration.

It's so confusing.


^^Here.
I'm thinking it's because on the weekends they spend more time together dating? I could be wrong. I know the OP said they spend time together during the week but could be that they aren't spending time meeting intimate needs during the week.
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post #110 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I'm thinking it's because on the weekends they spend more time together dating? I could be wrong. I know the OP said they spend time together during the week but could be that they aren't spending time meeting intimate needs during the week.


I see what you're saying.

Personally, I don't care about "meeting intimate needs" during the week? What does that even mean? I'm not picking on you, Jessica. I guess, I just think that if you're married; that vow and commitment is the main intimate need, and so sex should be on as much as desired (within reason of course, no-one who is recovering from stomach flu, or who just had a baby; should have to have sex).


Life is busy and who's got the time to "date" during the week?

If alexm, or any other married person isn't helping with the chores or childcare et.al., then guess what---it shouldn't get done.

If alexm (or any other guy--we'll use a guy in this example), doesn't help with the chores; then he needs to accept that the laundry won't always be done, and there's sometimes a peanut butter sandwich stuck to the carpet in one of the kids' room, and the car is covered in muck, and we'll be eating canned ravioli.

Because if I'm gonna have sex, I need to feel relaxed and happy. So, if I work all day and he works all day---I'm not doing all the chores. Things are gonna slide around the house.

@alexm are you part of the "wife wants me to vacuum" brigade? Do you vacuum? Do you split chores?

Does your wife want to "date" on weeknights?

Sorry if I'm offbase on any of this.
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post #111 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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I see what you're saying.

Personally, I don't care about "meeting intimate needs" during the week? What does that even mean? I'm not picking on you, Jessica. I guess, I just think that if you're married; that vow and commitment is the main intimate need, and so sex should be on as much as desired (within reason of course, no-one who is recovering from stomach flu, or who just had a baby; should have to have sex).


Life is busy and who's got the time to "date" during the week?

If alexm, or any other married person isn't helping with the chores or childcare et.al., then guess what---it shouldn't get done.

If alexm (or any other guy--we'll use a guy in this example), doesn't help with the chores; then he needs to accept that the laundry won't always be done, and there's sometimes a peanut butter sandwich stuck to the carpet in one of the kids' room, and the car is covered in muck, and we'll be eating canned ravioli.

Because if I'm gonna have sex, I need to feel relaxed and happy. So, if I work all day and he works all day---I'm not doing all the chores. Things are gonna slide around the house.

@alexm are you part of the "wife wants me to vacuum" brigade? Do you vacuum? Do you split chores?

Does your wife want to "date" on weeknights?

Sorry if I'm offbase on any of this.
If I thought I "had to" have sex, I don't think I would ever want it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #112 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:43 AM
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I see what you're saying.

Personally, I don't care about "meeting intimate needs" during the week? What does that even mean? I'm not picking on you, Jessica. I guess, I just think that if you're married; that vow and commitment is the main intimate need, and so sex should be on as much as desired (within reason of course, no-one who is recovering from stomach flu, or who just had a baby; should have to have sex).


Life is busy and who's got the time to "date" during the week?

If alexm, or any other married person isn't helping with the chores or childcare et.al., then guess what---it shouldn't get done.

If alexm (or any other guy--we'll use a guy in this example), doesn't help with the chores; then he needs to accept that the laundry won't always be done, and there's sometimes a peanut butter sandwich stuck to the carpet in one of the kids' room, and the car is covered in muck, and we'll be eating canned ravioli.

Because if I'm gonna have sex, I need to feel relaxed and happy. So, if I work all day and he works all day---I'm not doing all the chores. Things are gonna slide around the house.

@alexm are you part of the "wife wants me to vacuum" brigade? Do you vacuum? Do you split chores?

Does your wife want to "date" on weeknights?

Sorry if I'm offbase on any of this.
If I thought I "had to" have sex, I don't think I would ever want it.
And if my husband told me that "life is busy, who's got time to date during the week" I don't think I'd want sex at all.
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post #113 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:53 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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If I thought I "had to" have sex, I don't think I would ever want it.


I don't know how you can be married (voluntarily) to a person you love and are attracted to; and not WANT to have sex most of the time. Or, at least be willing to lovingly participate. Why would you ever feel like you "had to"?


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And if my husband told me that "life is busy, who's got time to date during the week" I don't think I'd want sex at all.

When couples are still single and dating; it's a whole other ball of wax.

Even then, you don't date most weeknights. You have to get up and go to work in the morning; or go to school, or both.

Most dating is on the weekend.

Once you have careers/jobs, a home to run together, children, etc. etc., there isn't much time to date on weeknights.

Being together is the "date", that you entered into when you got married.


Just a different point of view.
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post #114 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Thoughts on this

JLD,
I should have been clearer in my comment about control.

There is no correlation between desire level and need to control.

The post I made on that topic - should have read:

If your partner is LD and the result is that you are in a sexless marriage, that is often a matter of control.
----------------
Before getting to the explanation below - I will point out that most folks who behave very badly avoid MC and forums such as this because they KNOW at some level they can't justify their behavior. And that most LD folks who explain why they are LD with their partners - seem like decent folks dealing with a difficult set of cards - so to speak.

----------------
As for the hard core cases that are described here - the pattern appears to be:
- I'm 100% comfortable rejecting my HD partner
- I claim that THEY are the one with the problem
- I refuse to discuss the situation or try to address it
-----------------

That said - it is hard to be confident as to what is really happening - because the HDs are often very ego protective. And it is likely that being rejected - amplifies that behavior of theirs.





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Alex, if she likes the cuddling, how about just initiating cuddling sessions for a while?
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post #115 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:58 AM
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If I thought I "had to" have sex, I don't think I would ever want it.


I don't know how you can be married (voluntarily) to a person you love and are attracted to; and not WANT to have sex most of the time. Or, at least be willing to lovingly participate. Why would you ever feel like you "had to"?


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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
And if my husband told me that "life is busy, who's got time to date during the week" I don't think I'd want sex at all.

When couples are still single and dating; it's a whole other ball of wax.

Even then, you don't date most weeknights. You have to get up and go to work in the morning; or go to school, or both.

Most dating is on the weekend.

Once you have careers/jobs, a home to run together, children, etc. etc., there isn't much time to date on weeknights.

Being together is the "date", that you entered into when you got married.


Just a different point of view.
When you're married, you still have to date your spouse. Otherwise, couples fall out of love. It's the premise of the book His Needs, Her Needs written by a licensed psychologist who found in is clinical practice that successful marriages where couples are still in love after decades (1 in 5) continue dating long-term.
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post #116 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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....because the HDs are often very ego protective. And it is likely that being rejected - amplifies that behavior of theirs.


Obvious. Stated.


But let's not kid ourselves. I do have to allow that maybe I'm "not all that".

51-year-old me is not 21 or 31 or even 41-year-old me.

I think the HD does sometimes have to rub their own face in the fact that, for whatever reason, they do not inspire or motivate the LD spouse to change/improve/make an effort---whatever you wanna call it.
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post #117 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

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When you're married, you still have to date your spouse.


Sure thing.

Just mostly on the weekend (for most 'regular' people of limited $$ means).
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post #118 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:13 PM
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When you're married, you still have to date your spouse.


Sure thing.

Just mostly on the weekend (for most 'regular' people of limited $$ means).
Actually, Dr. Harley and Dr. Gorman recommend at least 15 hours a week quality time w your spouse to meet top needs in marriage, including sex. Sure, the bulk of this time comes on the weekends, but many couples (even those with 5 kids and 1 income) find ways to make this happen during the week.

The average person watches TV for 4 hours/day. It's all about priorities.
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post #119 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:13 PM
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Dr. Gottman. Sorry on my iPhone and can't edit post.
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post #120 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Thoughts on this

Well, @Jessica38, I think what you describe is ideal. And there's nothing wrong with that.

It's just that ideals are rarely realistic. That's why they're called ideals.

You can aim for 15 hours a week of exclusive "couple time".

But accept that you'll probably only get about 8-10 hours, and it will mostly be on the weekend.

And that's if you're fortunate enough to work similar shifts.

I worked nights for several years. Your marriage really does take a beating from that. Anytime posters here say they are working two different shifts; I'm the first to recommend they end that arrangement as soon possible.

But it's not always possible. Most folks can't just walk away from a job.

As usual, a lot of these issues can be solved with money. If you can pay someone to clean your house and mow your lawn; then none of this stuff applies.

Most people don't have that luxury.
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