Thoughts on this - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 2804Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,779
Thoughts on this

As many of you know, my wife is quite LD. Over the past couple of years, we seem to have settled in on once a week intimacy, and it pretty much happens only on one day of the week, over the weekend. Pretty much around the same time, as well.

Throughout the rest of week - nothing. Nothing sexual, no flirtiness, no build-up, etc. It is what it is.

Generally speaking, I am fine with this - the sex is actually good, and it's not one-sided.

However, I am getting tired of this 'schedule'. Knowing it's going to happen (without any build-up whatsoever, even right before). I know it's going to happen, and when. I do still try to initiate throughout the rest of the week on occasion, but more often than not (way more often), it's rejected.

So basically 95% of my sex life is on one day of the week, around the same time, and absolutely zero sex or even sexuality the rest of the time.

Yes, I've talked to her about this. She knows I don't like this scheduled/expected sex life. It removes any sort of anticipation or excitement from it. And even though the sex is good, it winds up being almost purely physical for me, because all the other things around sex are simply removed. In essence, it's basically just going through the motions.

I'm at the point now where I simply don't want this anymore, but I'm at a crossroads about what to do. My only recourse that I can see at this point in time is to reject and/or avoid these scheduled sessions, but in all likelihood it'd backfire. I'm just not enthusiastic about it anymore, even though it's my only real sexual outlet.

There have been 4 or 5 times in the past 2 weeks in which we were home alone for extended periods of time. An entire weekend, even. This is rare for that to happen this often. No sex during this time, and even the 'free' weekend, it still ended up happening on the same day at the same time. I hinted, initiated, even bluntly said "hey, let's go upstairs" - nothing.

I'm not trying to figure out my wife - I already know what she is. This has been discussed ad nauseum here, and also with her. But the reality is that I'm starting to feel used, if that's even possible. It's always on her schedule - a literal schedule, at that. The only reason I've kept going on her schedule is that it's sex, and I want to have sex. But I'm simply tired of the way it goes down, and the fact that it's figuratively marked on a calendar.

So this weekend, I've planned to avoid. It's baseball season (yay!), so I have an excuse to not come to bed. I'm torn to whether or not she'll care, or if she does, if she says anything. I've rejected her in the past a minute amount of times, and she generally hasn't taken it well, but I've had legitimate excuses (total exhaustion, mainly). But I've never said no to, or avoided sex with her when I'm feeling fine.

It's juvenile, but it's also pretty last ditch. It's likely it won't help things, but I'm at the point now where I'm genuinely tired of simply doing it on her schedule. I also feel (well, know, really) that she obviously requires this schedule to become aroused and/or psyched up to have sex.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:51 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 52
Re: Thoughts on this

does she masturbate at all?

surprise her with a date. just spontaneously take her away middle of the week, get a hotel, and do something romantic. women need reason.

The baseball season is good, show her you don't want her damn schedule and just take control. Tell her in a nice way 'i'd have sex with you, but i got things to do, maybe another time'. She'll put up a hissy fit, but respond calmly and sweet and give her a peck on the lips and go about your business. she is controling you and that makes her feel like you are weak, take control and don't get emotional over it.



she likes the safety of knowing when it will happen, put her out of her comfort zone and just break the schedule. However, safety is not sexy, take control and put it on your terms, that'll turn her on.
FORTIFIEDORANGE is offline  
post #3 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,010
Re: Thoughts on this

Sounds like a bad plan .

If you want to reject her to provoke a showdown you have to actually reject her not forget to go to bed on time. She's LD, if you don't show up it's unlikely to register as a rejection...
anonmd is online now  
post #4 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:58 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Toledo, Ohio
Posts: 52
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by anonmd View Post
Sounds like a bad plan .

If you want to reject her to provoke a showdown you have to actually reject her not forget to go to bed on time. She's LD, if you don't show up it's unlikely to register as a rejection...
ya show up and turn the baseball game on the tv and watch it, and make her beg for it and make her try to seduce you. frustrate her. but don't give in, she'll love it.

good point there, if you don't show up it is not rejection.
FORTIFIEDORANGE is offline  
post #5 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:05 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by FORTIFIEDORANGE View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by anonmd View Post
Sounds like a bad plan .

If you want to reject her to provoke a showdown you have to actually reject her not forget to go to bed on time. She's LD, if you don't show up it's unlikely to register as a rejection...
ya show up and turn the baseball game on the tv and watch it, and make her beg for it and make her try to seduce you. frustrate her. but don't give in, she'll love it.

good point there, if you don't show up it is not rejection.
This won't work. She won't be frustrated, she won't love it, and she won't try to seduce him. I know this after reading OPs posts for years.
Livvie is online now  
post #6 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:06 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 718
Alex, how about sitting down with her and letting her know sex on this schedule isn't working for you? And the emotions behind it... Just be honest. It's come to the point you are resentful and want to avoid sex. Let her know.
Livvie is online now  
post #7 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:07 AM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 3,160
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
So this weekend, I've planned to avoid. It's baseball season (yay!), so I have an excuse to not come to bed. I'm torn to whether or not she'll care, or if she does, if she says anything. I've rejected her in the past a minute amount of times, and she generally hasn't taken it well, but I've had legitimate excuses (total exhaustion, mainly). But I've never said no to, or avoided sex with her when I'm feeling fine.

It's juvenile, but it's also pretty last ditch. It's likely it won't help things, but I'm at the point now where I'm genuinely tired of simply doing it on her schedule. I also feel (well, know, really) that she obviously requires this schedule to become aroused and/or psyched up to have sex.
Instead of doing something that might make her feel rejected, tell her you really want to be with her but that due to baseball you would like to try and change up the routine that the two of you have become accustomed to. Ask her if she would be OK with a random time during the week instead and if the two of you can just try playing by ear to find a time.

This would at least not make her feel rejected, but confront her with your desire for the two of you to become more flexible and not become so routine. In my opinion the idea of making her feel rejected will only set you back and cause both of you pain, but sometimes that can be necessary in order to progress and change.
badsanta is offline  
post #8 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:07 AM
Member
 
peacem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 585
Re: Thoughts on this

Don't stop having sex! Especially when you say its good. I would use her schedule as an opportunity to have sex 'differently' to make it less boring and routine. So you could try doing something different each week so it would give you something to look forward to and excite you.

I know scheduled sex can seem a bit boring, but actually the alternative to never knowing whether you are going to get it is far worse and frustrating. You definitely need to add flirtation and romance into your scheduled day to make it special....
peacem is offline  
post #9 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:08 AM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 2,278
Re: Thoughts on this

Is there anything to indicate why she seems to be interested in sex on that particular day and at that particular time?

Example: I am HD and we have sex throughout the week, but we can really take our time on the weekends. That's when I want to dress up and plan something that takes more time and energy. However, DH likes to have a big, naughty, meal on the weekends. Something heavy like a giant plate of nachos. Being full and 3 seconds from a food coma isn't exactly conducive to energetic sex. So, I'd wait to initiate or delay DH's initiation until later in the evening. DH didn't like the delay. He didn't want to feel like he couldn't be spontaneous before 11 pm. He complained that he felt there was too much routine to it. I explained about the food. Now we eat our big, naughty, meal earlier in the evening so we have time to digest and get our 2nd wind before we do anything interesting.

Maybe there is s specific set of circumstances that you could reproduce on other days or some adjustment could be made to allow for a bigger timeframe and buildup.

If you are going to reject her passively, why not do it actively and explain why while you're at it? You said she seems to be upset by rejection. Pain can be a great teacher and motivator. We feel pain and we are motivated to avoid feeling pain in the future. If you explain why you're rejecting her while she is feeling upset, maybe she will begin to understand how much of a problem this really is and be motivated to do something more to avoid being upset in the same way again.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
MJJEAN is offline  
post #10 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:11 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,510
Re: Thoughts on this

Hmmmm ... tough call. Not gonna lie, I am happy that baseball season just started for the same reason as you. Rather just focus on other things (I know, not exactly the best solution, but right now it is the best solution for me so I am rolling with it).

Last edited by EllisRedding; 04-07-2017 at 08:20 AM.
EllisRedding is online now  
post #11 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:24 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 125
Re: Thoughts on this

Yeah, bad plan. A man needs to initiate when he wants sex, not avoid it. That's a beta move.

How do you initiate sex? I wouldn't consider "Hey, let's go upstairs" as initiating. That's talking about sex. When I broke my wife's habit I stripped and locked the door, then jumped on top of her. Initiate hard with your actions, not with your words. If need be, let her turn you down 5 times in a row, that way at least she knows she's doing it. Saying no when you ask her to go upstairs doesn't really feel like a turndown to her. When you're naked and jump on top of her, or throw her to the bed and start making out, then at least she knows you're initiating like an alpha not a beta.
Capster is offline  
post #12 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:26 AM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,341
Re: Thoughts on this

I agree. Do not back down on sex. Do not reject her. That has zero chance of making things better. Keep having sex at the scheduled time. The goal is to have sex some other time as well.

Initiate. Not with words. Take her hand and lead her upstairs. If she asks why, say "you'll see". Do not ask for sex. Do not tell her you are having sex. Keep saying "just follow me". If she refuses, tell her "OK, you just lost out on your chance to have sex now, time for me to watch baseball".

If she keeps rejecting you, then you start to reject her. NOT about sex. About other things she wants from you. Dinner time? Make yourself dinner. Or go out by yourself. She wants to talk about her day? Sorry, another game is about to start. "I'll catch you later". When she complains that you are neglecting her, remind her about all the times you asked her to join you upstairs. Make it clear that if she intends to NEVER join you upstairs except the one scheduled time each week, your will feel less inclined to spend time with her doing the things she enjoys. If you get only one hour a week of her time, then how can she expect to get more than one hour of your time?

Of course, if you embark on this path, you might destroy not only your sex life but your entire marriage. So decide whether a better sex life is worth setting a time bomb to your marriage. Many would say yes, it is.

When you can see it coming, duck!
Holdingontoit is offline  
post #13 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:49 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,262
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by Capster View Post
Yeah, bad plan. A man needs to initiate when he wants sex, not avoid it. That's a beta move.

How do you initiate sex? I wouldn't consider "Hey, let's go upstairs" as initiating. That's talking about sex. When I broke my wife's habit I stripped and locked the door, then jumped on top of her. Initiate hard with your actions, not with your words. If need be, let her turn you down 5 times in a row, that way at least she knows she's doing it. Saying no when you ask her to go upstairs doesn't really feel like a turndown to her. When you're naked and jump on top of her, or throw her to the bed and start making out, then at least she knows you're initiating like an alpha not a beta.
This wouldn't go very far with an LD

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #14 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 09:57 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 595
Re: Thoughts on this

How much time are you spending with her during the week? It takes at least 15 hours a week quality time meeting the 4 emotional needs to feel romantic love. My husband and I get far more time together 1 on 1 over the weekend so I naturally am more in the mood on weekends. But while on a family vacation last week for 10 days, while spending a ton of time together relaxing, laughing, being affectionate, I felt desire every day.

It really does make a difference, likely even to a LD. I wouldn't consider myself one but my desire is much lower, almost non-existent, when I'm not getting enough attention, affection, and intimate/fun conversation with my husband.
Jessica38 is online now  
post #15 of 1926 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:05 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 6,510
Re: Thoughts on this

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
This wouldn't go very far with an LD
Agreed. . I think the idea that the LD will want sex if you lock the door and jump on them is just going to push them back even further. There is a big difference between someone being LD and someone being responsive desire.

Last edited by EllisRedding; 04-07-2017 at 10:25 AM.
EllisRedding is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts WhiskeyVictor Considering Divorce or Separation 9 09-17-2016 12:55 AM
Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? Beautiful-day-I-hope The Family & Parenting Forums 15 04-19-2016 12:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome