Question for men - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Question for men

My porn viewing habits have very little to do with my wife. I find my wife extremely attractive, and she is the only person I want to have sex with. She is my ideal body type for a woman, I'm very lucky. Sometimes I watch scenes with women that resemble my wife, other times I don't. I have actively searched out girls who look nothing like my wife on occasion, and it has no bearing on my attraction to my wife.
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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: Question for men

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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Question for men

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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
... The names are Claudia Marie and Laura Orsolya. When I looked them up I was a little shocked since they are bigger women. I am complete opposite....

....When you look at porn that's complete opposite of who you are with why is that?

...Also the Claudia Marie looks similar to his ex that he left, so does he still have desire for her? I'm a little confused. The other searches showed women that had shapes similar to mine so it wasn't that shocking ad opposed to these 2 names
I am a guy. Most guys when they look at porn are looking for variety, something different to spike their imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ.

Just about any woman can be sexy. Sexy is attitude & confidence and that sometimes comes across and onto the camera. BBW women can be sexy as hell. May I ask you to take a moment to watch the following You Tube video (pay special attention to both the audience and the judges reactions).
She is skilled and confident. I wouldn't want to be married to but she is kind of fun to watch.

For myself, when I look at porn (every now and then) it is usually fantasy stuff that I would not want to do with anyone. That is strictly fantasy, no I don't' think I would want to do that in reality, with one exception (oral sex). My wife that I love will not give or receive oral. She thinks it is unclean, unnatural and immoral. I have talked to her about it, tried to negotiate it, our sex therapist tried to talk her into trying it. It is something she is absolutely against, and its her body/mind so I have no right to try to force her.

If your love life is fine, your husband is faithful, don't worry about it. Just give him that look, shake your head and say silly boy, enjoy yourself, but come to bed with me.

In the big picture of marital problems, this one shouldn't score very high.

Good luck.
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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: Question for men

Seeking variety in physical appearance is commonplace in fantasy, although I must say those two do nothing for me.

But porn is largely about attitude: as a viewer, you have a sex-positive virtual partner who's comfortable in her skin and takes it for granted that she is desired, that you want what she's got. And she's going to give it to you right now, playfully or in whatever posture turns you on. That right there is far hotter than a nice figure or a pretty face alone.

A porn actress might have those things as well, but she is never painfully shy, insecure, selfish (except in a teasing way), passive, prudish, pious, judgmental, mad, distracted, or bored--all of which are major turn-offs.

I'm bringing this up because the gestalt of your posts here suggests a need to remake your H's deepest thoughts and instinctual attractions. You don't just want him not to cheat or flirt or watch porn; you literally want him not to desire any other woman sexually:
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I don't want him to desire anyone else in that way I just want to be his only desire. Of course it's normal to notice attractiveness but I don't think it should go beyond that.
I'm sorry to say that just isn't how the engine works for most guys. However collaboratively you try to shape his porn use, and however much of a yes-man he's become (having been caught and chastised), you're still essentially operating from a position of consuming insecurity.

That's a problem because it isn't attractive and it's also futile: you can't ever really be sure of a person's thoughts, let alone control them. But if you re-frame without the fear, accept him as he is wired (while also noting that he has freely chosen YOU), take his desire for you as a given, and continue your sexual adventures confidently, you can co-opt and dominate his fantasy world rather than set yourself up as a disapproving authority figure he has to hide his inner life from.
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:45 PM
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Re: Question for men

I don't find big boobs attractive, but I've watched a little of that type of porn (and many other types) just of of curiosity. Heck I've watched a little gay porn to see if I found it arousing as an experiment.


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But they have stunningly huge boobs. For some men, that's very attractive. Or at least it's a novelty. Remember, he's looking through his own eyes, not yours.
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Question for men

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No and I have talked to him to see if we need to experiment and he doesn't want to. He likes what we do and doesn't have any fantasies. We have sex every other day or on the rare occasion every 3 days
I wouldn't be concerned that he is not attracted to you.

He most probably does have fantasies especially a porn watcher.

A lot of times, watching porn is fantasy being played out without the consequences of doing them yourself.

Fantasies can be fun as long as you are rooted in reality.

He probably has a big woman fantasy and he uses the porn to scratch that itch.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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I don't find big boobs attractive, but I've watched a little of that type of porn (and many other types) just of of curiosity. Heck I've watched a little gay porn to see if I found it arousing as an experiment.


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But they have stunningly huge boobs. For some men, that's very attractive. Or at least it's a novelty. Remember, he's looking through his own eyes, not yours.
I think he has probably watched quite a few things out of curiosity. No harm in that plus he did have a sexless marriage during the last few years of it and I assume that makes you watch quite a bit
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:55 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
... The names are Claudia Marie and Laura Orsolya. When I looked them up I was a little shocked since they are bigger women. I am complete opposite....

....When you look at porn that's complete opposite of who you are with why is that?

...Also the Claudia Marie looks similar to his ex that he left, so does he still have desire for her? I'm a little confused. The other searches showed women that had shapes similar to mine so it wasn't that shocking ad opposed to these 2 names
I am a guy. Most guys when they look at porn are looking for variety, something different to spike their imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ.

Just about any woman can be sexy. Sexy is attitude & confidence and that sometimes comes across and onto the camera. BBW women can be sexy as hell. May I ask you to take a moment to watch the following You Tube video (pay special attention to both the audience and the judges reactions).
She is skilled and confident. I wouldn't want to be married to but she is kind of fun to watch.

For myself, when I look at porn (every now and then) it is usually fantasy stuff that I would not want to do with anyone. That is strictly fantasy, no I don't' think I would want to do that in reality, with one exception (oral sex). My wife that I love will not give or receive oral. She thinks it is unclean, unnatural and immoral. I have talked to her about it, tried to negotiate it, our sex therapist tried to talk her into trying it. It is something she is absolutely against, and its her body/mind so I have no right to try to force her.

If your love life is fine, your husband is faithful, don't worry about it. Just give him that look, shake your head and say silly boy, enjoy yourself, but come to bed with me.

In the big picture of marital problems, this one shouldn't score very high.

Good luck.
Great video and I agree confidence is sexy.
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: Question for men

I don't watch a lot of porn but when I do choose to indulge I like to watch stuff where the woman has the look in her eyes that she is really enjoying herself. I don't care about her body type or breast size (I prefer A or B's myself) I just enjoy watching a women really enjoying sex.

My reasoning is simple. I have sex with my wife but she doesn't seem attracted to me enough to seem to really want to be doing it like in the beginning of our relationship. To me sex is just something she can check off the "to do" list.


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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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I don't watch a lot of porn but when I do choose to indulge I like to watch stuff where the woman has the look in her eyes that she is really enjoying herself. I don't care about her body type or breast size (I prefer A or B's myself) I just enjoy watching a women really enjoying sex.

My reasoning is simple. I have sex with my wife but she doesn't seem attracted to me enough to seem to really want to be doing it like in the beginning of our relationship. To me sex is just something she can check off the "to do" list.


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We have frequent sex, sometimes it's every day but on average it's every other day. We both initiate. We really can't keep our hands off each other we are very affectionate all the time. He is not used to asking if he is in the mood and he isn't sure I am. Which is the reason he said he watched it this last time. I have never told him not to watch it. All I said was if you want to have sex tell me and I am always in the mood when it comes to you. He said now that he knows he can be open with me he wont need to watch it again since he has me as his outlet even if it's just being able to tell me he is horny. So I have never forbid him never said I would leave him. I said I would rather hear that it may happen again so I know that it's possible then for him to make a promise he can't keep. Because I need him to be upfront and honest that's the biggest issue and if he can't then how can I expect him to be in other areas. He still is insisting that he won't. I hope because if I can't be with someone who can't keep their word. If he asks me to not do something that I know is a struggle for me I never make a promise I always tell him I will try but I'm not perfect and I might slip. For example cutting back on drinking. I know I have years to go and I may want to let loose once in awhile and drink until I get drunk so I can't promise.
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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Question for men

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I hope because if I can't be with someone who can't keep their word.
Out of curiosity if the two of you were going to be apart for some time, and he asked if he could watch porn, what would your response be?

For the purpose of this question let's assume that the two of you have decided that pictures of videos of you would best if you did not. Because the two of you would not want that content to be somehow discovered by someone else by chance and consider the idea too risky.
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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: Question for men

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That was why I was hurt, however it's only happened 3 times in one year and each time was when we weren't able to have sex so he said he used it as a masturbation aid. He is the type that isn't open with his sexuality and always afraid he is gping to get turned down if he asks, it stems from his bad marriage. Now that we talked he knows he can tell me he is horny and I will be ready and willing. He said he won't need porn anymore now that he has open communication with me
OK let's stop drinking the bong water and come back down to reality.

Guys look at porn and sometimes the porn they dig at that particular moment is stuff they may or may not want to have anything to do with in real life.

Just because someone has a great sex life with a smoke'n hot babe, doesn't mean that they aren't going to pull up some circus midget porn now and then.

And just because someone is looking at trampling videos of 250lb women with dirty feet, that doesn't mean that they want to have anything to do with that in real life.

People don't always check out porn because their real life sex life is unsatisfying and so therefor a satisfying real life sex life won't prevent them for looking at it.

Porn and real life are two different things that often operate on two different systems.

He told you that because he knows it upsets you that he watching porn and he was just wanting to reassure you that he likes you and that life with you is good.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I hope because if I can't be with someone who can't keep their word.
Out of curiosity if the two of you were going to be apart for some time, and he asked if he could watch porn, what would your response be?

For the purpose of this question let's assume that the two of you have decided that pictures of videos of you would best if you did not. Because the two of you would not want that content to be somehow discovered by someone else by chance and consider the idea too risky.
I would have to be ok with it and I would have more respect for him for being honest. It's understandable if that were the situation and he had an itch to be scratched and I wasn't around. I know he is visual and it's a tool to get the job completed. I'm trying to teach him this is more about being open and not ashamed than anything and what will ruin us is hI'm not being totally honest and real
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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
That was why I was hurt, however it's only happened 3 times in one year and each time was when we weren't able to have sex so he said he used it as a masturbation aid. He is the type that isn't open with his sexuality and always afraid he is gping to get turned down if he asks, it stems from his bad marriage. Now that we talked he knows he can tell me he is horny and I will be ready and willing. He said he won't need porn anymore now that he has open communication with me
OK let's stop drinking the bong water and come back down to reality.

Guys look at porn and sometimes the porn they dig at that particular moment is stuff they may or may not want to have anything to do with in real life.

Just because someone has a great sex life with a smoke'n hot babe, doesn't mean that they aren't going to pull up some circus midget porn now and then.

And just because someone is looking at trampling videos of 250lb women with dirty feet, that doesn't mean that they want to have anything to do with that in real life.

People don't always check out porn because their real life sex life is unsatisfying and so therefor a satisfying real life sex life won't prevent them for looking at it.

Porn and real life are two different things that often operate on two different systems.

He told you that because he knows it upsets you that he watching porn and he was just wanting to reassure you that he likes you and that life with you is good.
Oh if he didn't want to upset me then he could have said a lot of things differently. He woudn't have showed me exactly what he looked at that got the deed done. He wouldmy have opened up as much as he did he would have twisted things around to spare my feelings. He didn't do that. He was crafty in trying to hide it and from other posts there are a number of things guys say to downplay it and he didn't do that
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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: Question for men

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I would have to be ok with it and I would have more respect for him for being honest. It's understandable if that were the situation and he had an itch to be scratched and I wasn't around. I know he is visual and it's a tool to get the job completed. I'm trying to teach him this is more about being open and not ashamed than anything and what will ruin us is hI'm not being totally honest and real
Without him even asking, you should have that conversation with him so that he understands how you feel. When I was in that situation with my own wife, she had no problems with it. While not ideal, perhaps it made her feel a little more comfortable to know "what" I was watching. In my case I purchased some DVDs and showed them to her beforehand and she did ask a few questions as to why a chose certain things, which just happened to be that those particular DVDs were on clearance for just $5 each.

Another thing I am getting at, is that you may want to allow him some porn in the house, but limit it to something that does not make you feel too uncomfortable. Perhaps it can be a video on tantric sexual massage, and you may want him to try and learn from it while watching.

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