No more fun - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
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No more fun

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and within the past few months our great sex life has changed, from the start I knew my wife suffers from depression but this change is dramatic. To start we have no children. Both work full time and have been to marriage counseling, the counseling didn't help. For the first six months we had the greatest sex ever all over the place both of us always turned on, but the last 7 months the sex has been maybe once or twice a month. And it's nothing fun just missionary mainly. If i try to touch her she tells me to stop she's not in the mood one the rare occasions she let's me touch her she tells me I'm doing it all wrong. Last night I told her since she doesn't like how I touch her teach me so we spent 10 minutes in the bed of her telling me everything I did was wrong without her getting slightly turned on.by the end I felt like such a failure that I couldn't turn her on. I finally gave up and told her I was going to sleep in the couch. Didn't seem to bother her at all. I feel assembling Ikea furniture while blindfolded wearing a straight jacket is easier than turning her on. I try and make her feel good by telling her she's beautiful and I love her but she just tells me she's fat and gets mad that I'm toning up and losing weight (both of us are in good shape I've started running races and it's helped time up some extra spots) I don't know what to do anymore.
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post #2 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: No more fun

Don't have children until you settle this. An unhappy life will make for an unhappy marriage.

Is she on any drugs, birth control, anti-depressants etc that might affect her sex drive?
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post #3 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: No more fun

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Originally Posted by DomF View Post
My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and within the past few months our great sex life has changed, from the start I knew my wife suffers from depression but this change is dramatic. To start we have no children. Both work full time and have been to marriage counseling, the counseling didn't help. For the first six months we had the greatest sex ever all over the place both of us always turned on, but the last 7 months the sex has been maybe once or twice a month. And it's nothing fun just missionary mainly. If i try to touch her she tells me to stop she's not in the mood one the rare occasions she let's me touch her she tells me I'm doing it all wrong. Last night I told her since she doesn't like how I touch her teach me so we spent 10 minutes in the bed of her telling me everything I did was wrong without her getting slightly turned on.by the end I felt like such a failure that I couldn't turn her on. I finally gave up and told her I was going to sleep in the couch. Didn't seem to bother her at all. I feel assembling Ikea furniture while blindfolded wearing a straight jacket is easier than turning her on. I try and make her feel good by telling her she's beautiful and I love her but she just tells me she's fat and gets mad that I'm toning up and losing weight (both of us are in good shape I've started running races and it's helped time up some extra spots) I don't know what to do anymore.
Did she tell you what how you could do things differently?

Is she on antidepressants?

Is she on birth control?

Or any other medication?

Has her personality in general changed?

Is she more 'lazy' now than she used to be?
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post #4 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: No more fun

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Don't have children until you settle this. An unhappy life will make for an unhappy marriage.

Is she on any drugs, birth control, anti-depressants etc that might affect her sex drive?
X 1 BILLION!
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post #5 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: No more fun

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Did she tell you what how you could do things differently?

Is she on antidepressants?

Is she on birth control?

Or any other medication?

Has her personality in general changed?

Is she more 'lazy' now than she used to be?
And....

Did she actually show and or tell you how she wanted to be touched or did she only tell you what was wrong.

I take it this "coaching session" took place when you two were having sex? Being as objective as you can, was your reaction more an angry/defensive because you felt belittled by her tone and attitude, or because her tone and attitude clearly were over the line? IOW! Some people, not just men, can't handle being corrected at all. Might you be one of them? Or close to one of them?

Just to calm your feelings of inadequacy, you are not a mind reader and without feedback you can't possibly know exactly how she wants it. Some women give obvious body signals, sounds increased movement etc, to indicate positive feedback. Other women talk, yes, right there, softer/harder...etc. but if your wife was too subtle in the past, or worse yet was dishonest about being content with the way you typically touched her, you would never know.

Think of getting your back scratched. You have to give directions to get the right place taken care of. If giving the back scratch and your not getting directions you can assume that the general all over back scratch is what works. But if that's not what the recipient wants or needs, they must give feedback.

Why does your wife think she is unattractive if she is in shape as she has always been? Has she in the past said things indicating a poor self image or is this new?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #6 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: No more fun

You mentioned having gone to marriage counseling in the past but it didn't help.

I'm not asking for details, but not all therapists are the same. Maybe a different therapist might be worth a shot.

Also, it might be beneficial to find one that specializes in marriage and individual therapy. If your wife declines to attend you might still get great value from it in discussing the family situation with him/her.

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post #7 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: No more fun

Has she ever been abused? CSA survivor or possibly abused or traumatized as an adult?

How long have you known each other?

Do you get along with her parents?

Does she?
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post #8 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: No more fun

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Originally Posted by DomF View Post
My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and within the past few months our great sex life has changed
There are situations where a partner will be extremely enthusiastic about sex because they are "eager to please their partner" as a way to help maintain the relationship. Eventually this can not be maintained indefinitely and a partner has to start being their true self, which may be someone that is just not that interested in sex and has overexposed themselves to it to a point that it is no longer tolerable.

Another situation is that a "honey moon" period of where things are new and exciting comes to an end and the reality and stress of daily routines begin to set in and take a toll.

Then yet another situation is a woman that wants "butterflies in her stomach" of excitement as a way to reaffirm to herself that she loves you. When this ends and she can no longer get it back, she fails to recognize that the seasons of love are progressing and changing (a time where most women are ready to begin having children), and she begins to question if she really loves you anymore. Perhaps she convinces herself that there is no love left in the relationship because something changed. A woman in this situation will sometimes withdraw.

Perhaps you have a combination of all three! Let her know that it is OK for her feelings to change and that you will be patient as long as she tries to work together for whatever is needed to help move the two of you forwards.

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post #9 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:57 PM Thread Starter
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She is on birthcontrol all the time the whole time I've know het she never had a period cause of the constant birth control. She is not on any medication at this time for her depression cause she feels like she doesn't need it.
As for her family we did get along until her depression became very bad and her family thought it was my fault.
She feels unattractive cause she kinda seems to hate everything about her and constantly compares herself to other women
I've tried everything I can with her and nothing seems to turn her on anymore and she has no desire for sex. Which in her mind is my fault.
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post #10 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: No more fun

What form of birth control?

Is it an implant?
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post #11 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: No more fun

Some forms of birth control can have a big effect on the libido of some owmen.

Depression of course can have all sorts of negative effects.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DomF View Post
She is on birthcontrol all the time the whole time I've know het she never had a period cause of the constant birth control. She is not on any medication at this time for her depression cause she feels like she doesn't need it.
As for her family we did get along until her depression became very bad and her family thought it was my fault.
She feels unattractive cause she kinda seems to hate everything about her and constantly compares herself to other women
I've tried everything I can with her and nothing seems to turn her on anymore and she has no desire for sex. Which in her mind is my fault.
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post #12 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:05 PM
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Re: No more fun

Maybe it is time for your wife to talk to a doctor. She may be low on Estrogen. Like low Testosterone will lower a man's libido, Estrogen does the same for a woman. If she checks out OK, see a sex therapist if she is interested in saving the marriage. If she does not know already, sex produces Oxytocin which is a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. Less sex equals less emotional bonding. When my wife and I get into a rut and playing with others is not an option at the time, we arrange one night a week for mandatory sex. No excuses. It really works because the emotional bonding increases and before long my wife wants sex again and she is post menopausal. She is now having some of the best orgasms of her life at the age of 64.

There was a time when she was OK with sex once or twice a month and did it out of marital duty. Was not interested in an orgasm. I bought her a vibrator and it is now her best friend and she is having great orgasms with it and multiple ones too. You have to do whatever it takes, even if it means toys. We have not had intercourse longer than either of us can remember so we have prolonged foreplay and occasional oral but most times my wife uses BOB III, the third Battery Operated Buddy she has owned in the last 4 years. Whatever floats her boat.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #13 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:01 PM Thread Starter
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Nevo ring, she says she doesn't want to talk to anyone cause she doesn't have a problem. When we first met she would have multiple orgasms now lucky if she even gets wet
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post #14 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:52 PM
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Re: No more fun

Did you say she has not had a period in over a year?

If so, she definitely needs to see her doctor and be thoroughly tested, for lots of things. That is a huge red flag.

The fact she doesn't think there is a problem in her change in attitude is also a red flag, but minor compared to the lack of a period.
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post #15 of 41 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
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Yea no period in over a year, she doesn't take a break from her birth control so she hasn't had a period in years
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