How much is enough? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:24 AM
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Re: How much is enough?

After asking the first hard question... Time for the second. How's the family finances?

If he's perceiving that he's paying for everything the entitlement fairy may be whispering things in his mind... what's his education level?
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: How much is enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by klemommy View Post
But he told me that if we couldn't fix it and have sex more(not just do it, but actually initiated by me with passion) that he would get it from somebody else.
On average healthy couples have sex about twice a week. Some less and some more.

Your husband can NOT force you to be passionate with him. He can be passionate for you and SHARE that with you, which in return may help you respond better to him.

If he feels like he can just go get what he needs somewhere else and that women out there feel "passion" for men that are running away from their own lives, he will find a long line of women that will indeed accommodate him. Then he will wake up from having too much fun, not remember much and discover that his wallet is missing!

Regards,
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: How much is enough?

He isn't healthy in how he expresses his frustration.

Sex isn't the issue but cooperation and communication are.

2x a week is low for us. We tend towards 5-7.

It would drop to zero if the level of disrespect and anger was what you two are experiencing.
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: How much is enough?

What is wonderful about him and makes you want to spend the rest of your life with him? What you have posted sounds very negative, but maybe you are leaving out all the good things?

From what you have posted I can completely understand why you don't want sex with him.


How much sex people want / need varies all over the place. Twice a week is just enough for me to not feel to frustrated, 3-4 time a week would be ideal This assumes the rest of the relationship was good and balanced. I also assume sex is mutual, lots of variety and passion, and doing things (at the same time or alternate times) that each partner really enjoys.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: How much is enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsluvmyhub View Post
You mention your religious upbringing.



This means that it is wrong to say "No" to your spouse when they want sex, because your body belongs to them! And theirs to you!

What if you conducted an experiment where you choose to say "Yes" to him every time he asks? Or at the very least "Not right now, but definitely later tonight." You are free to make that choice, irrelevant of your feelings.

This system has worked well for me. I feel very blessed by my husband and I'm sure he does to! I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for 11 years and the hormones of this stage make me have very low drive. So I don't feel "in the mood" much. BUT I always get in the mood when we get going.

Perhaps you feel initiating is too much when you aren't into it, I get that. Maybe you could tell your husband that from now on (for the next month or 2 months or forever) that you will ALWAYS say "Yes" to him. You may be surprised by the wonderful changes that occur in him and your relationship! He may binge on sex at first, but he should settle down when he relizes that your word is trustworthy.

If he is selfish in sex and doesn't help you to enjoy it then that makes it not very enjoyable for you. I've been there for the first 6 years of our marriage. But through enough discussions and my husband learning that he actually gets more enjoyment when his wife is enjoying it things are great now.

Give freely to him and you will see a wonderful change in time.

Yes this experiment is very hard to do! But you mentioned your religious upbringing, so pray to God that He will give you the strength to be generous to your husband even when you feel he doesn't deserve it!
You sound like my wife! We've been married for over 20 years now.

The husband of the OP reminds me a lot of me the first few years of my marriage. I, too, grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive environment. Slowly but surely, I grew up to be a product similar to what I saw growing up. That same person I swore I would never be because of the pain and anguish it caused the family I grew up in. Somehow, though, I did resemble that, and saw it as "normal" in my mind's eye. I knew I was wrong in my heart's eye, but I still did those things.

I'm definitely not trying to slight the OP, but the one thing (other than my conscience) that kept me from going elsewhere was my wife NEVER said no to sex. Looking back, and we all know hindsight is 20/20, I can see just how selfish I was, how abusive I was (though not physically), and how blind I was.

People can change, and I am living proof of that. It took my going to the altar and giving my heart to God for my eyes to truly open. My life did a complete 180 after that. I quit drinking and partying, quit going to bars, and quit going out with same people I hung around with. All these things I "thought" I would miss turned out to be things I don't want anymore. I thank God every day for the changes He made in me. I never considered myself a religious man until it happened to me.

I can truthfully say that I am truly at peace and happy now!
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: How much is enough?

I feel sorry for you.

I avoided posting to your thread.

I find your story tough to read. I don't see any good answers.

My wife and I have sex a lot. How much is enough? Nearly every day. But my wife is always happy with me, for some unknown reason.

My wife's sister was in an abusive marriage. She got out of the hospital where they stitched up her lip, and she packed up the kids and left. My wife's father, her sisters step dad, was asked to help. He gave her money to get a place to live, then called the husband and told him where to come pick up his errant wife and his children. After all, God wants women to stay home with their husbands.

I do not like religion. I suspect people had been avoiding me because I am a black sheep, and had taken my wife out of the fold and not allowed her to participate in religion once she married me.

The next time that husband beat up my wife's sister, she came to live with us afterwards. She got divorced. I didn't care what the "Good Book" said about wives being obedient.

I don't think you want to get divorced. I think you want an answer to get your husband to listen to you, and care. He might, too. He isn't as bad as my ex brother in law.

As for people quoting the bible regarding sex, my wife's sister in law uses that to justify having sex only for procreation. When I told my brother in law he should get a vasectomy so he could stop popping babies he said he would never get to have sex again if he got a vasectomy.

You need to find what is reasonable for you. Personally I know when I was young I needed to have sex pretty much every day to keep from getting really grouchy, but I also did a good job of making sure my wife was always turned on. I knew before I got married that's what I needed, and let her know when we started dating it was a requirement. She was totally up for it. So our life is not a blueprint for anyone else.

I hate seeing women put upon by men. I wish you were happy. Good luck.
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: How much is enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsluvmyhub View Post
This means that it is wrong to say "No" to your spouse when they want sex, because your body belongs to them! And theirs to you!!
<Insert HUGE eye roll here.>
Quote:
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.
The OP's husband is NOT devoting himself to 'prayer' when he's not getting sex - he's having his little tantrums like the child he is.

So much for that theory.
Quote:
Sex is the primary way that your husband shows you that he loves you and the primary way he receives love from you. So remind yourself that he is trying to show you love. You may wish it were shown a different way, but he is communicating it in the way he can.
So you're saying men are such animals that they only know ONE way to show love - by getting naked for a romp in the sheets? With this line of thinking, shall I assume then that every guy who has a one-night stand with some drunken co-ed is showing her 'love?' LOL. I think it's REAL safe to say that the only 'love' he'd be feeling is a love for getting himself some.

But I can tell you this OP, I sure wouldn't be touching this man-child when he's constantly threatening to go out and get it elsewhere. He's a complete emotionally stunted fool who brings nothing positive to the table.

One of your biggest issues is your ages. Do you realize that your brains aren't even fully matured yet? They don't stop developing until you're 25. You seem to be growing but he's not. He still acts like a child. Sadly, he married at 21 and that's way too young for almost any male to be tied down. The chances for success are just not good when they marry that young.

Since he refuses to do anything to help this relationship (and whines like a child when you want to talk to him) you can either continue living in misery or decide you want better for yourself.
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: How much is enough?

My wife says men's brains never quite develop into adulthood...

Sorry for my rambling post earlier. I just go kinda crazy when I see religion used to justify crazy things.

And since I am anti-religion people tend to just toss out anything I say about religion anyway, so I just ramble I guess.

Please don't let people use religion to tell you you should do things you are not comfortable with.

I am spiritual. I just think humans have no clue.

Please be well.
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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsluvmyhub View Post
Quote:
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.
The OP's husband is NOT devoting himself to 'prayer' when he's not getting sex - he's having his little tantrums like the child he is.

So much for that theory.
You butchered verse 5 and appear not to understand what it means. Not sure if that was on purpose or just your ignorance.

It means that the ONLY time it is okay for a Christian (or Bible believer of another persuasion) to say "No" to sex is if both the spouses agree that it's okay AND the reason they are saying "No" is because they are devoting themselves to prayer for the period of no sex. The OPs husband isn't saying no at all!

Quote:
So you're saying men are such animals that they only know ONE way to show love - by getting naked for a romp in the sheets?
Animals only have sex for procreation. Men are NOT designed that way. Type into Google "define primary" to fix your confusion.

I am talking about inside marriage, as this is a marriage forum and the OP is married. Not about one night stands, which are always purely self serving.
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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: How much is enough?

To clarify, refusing to discuss it with you is also just another way of controlling you.
So is getting angry so you drop the subject. Or changing the subject.
Still spending time with him and having fun isn't acceptable on your part. Look up the 180. It works. Quit accepting unacceptable behaviour but on your own terms.
Sex? Starfish.


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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: How much is enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsluvmyhub View Post
You mention your religious upbringing.



This means that it is wrong to say "No" to your spouse when they want sex, because your body belongs to them! And theirs to you!

What if you conducted an experiment where you choose to say "Yes" to him every time he asks? Or at the very least "Not right now, but definitely later tonight." You are free to make that choice, irrelevant of your feelings.

This system has worked well for me. I feel very blessed by my husband and I'm sure he does to! I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for 11 years and the hormones of this stage make me have very low drive. So I don't feel "in the mood" much. BUT I always get in the mood when we get going.

Perhaps you feel initiating is too much when you aren't into it, I get that. Maybe you could tell your husband that from now on (for the next month or 2 months or forever) that you will ALWAYS say "Yes" to him. You may be surprised by the wonderful changes that occur in him and your relationship! He may binge on sex at first, but he should settle down when he relizes that your word is trustworthy.

If he is selfish in sex and doesn't help you to enjoy it then that makes it not very enjoyable for you. I've been there for the first 6 years of our marriage. But through enough discussions and my husband learning that he actually gets more enjoyment when his wife is enjoying it things are great now.

Give freely to him and you will see a wonderful change in time.

Yes this experiment is very hard to do! But you mentioned your religious upbringing, so pray to God that He will give you the strength to be generous to your husband even when you feel he doesn't deserve it!
Your post is a "rare" one on TAM. Especially, coming from a women.

You sound like my Grandma...on giving advice to young marrieds.

And I suspect that this will work.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 06:22 PM
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Re: How much is enough?

Quote:
Originally Posted by klemommy View Post
For example, about two weeks ago I tried starting a light hearted discussion on progress(or lack thereof) over the last few months with our relationship and his exact words were, "This s*** again."
klemommy, read your quote as a third party. The reply of "This s*** again" is disrespectful and not acceptable in a relationship that can work. You're the only one trying to actually fix things here. He just wants what he wants and pitches verbal fits when he isn't getting it.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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