Hi, this is my first time being here. Some background info: I'm 22, husband is 24, two kids ages 5 & 2. We have been together since I was 15, and married for 3 years the end of this month. We have been having a lot of problems. About 6 months ago we took a 3 day break from each other because things were bad. I felt he didn't love me, show me affection, or even put me as a priority. I felt like a complete slave almost. I do all the cleaning, bills, take care of the children, literally everything but have a job(I am in school for engineering currently). I have found having sex with my husband to become almost a chore. He expects sex at least more than once a week. When I do not he becomes angry, cold, and extremely passive aggressive. I feel as if I am having sex just to not have him be angry at me again. About a year ago I forced him to give up alcohol because he had developed an addiction for it. During his alcoholism his need for sex was much more aggressive. He would scream so loud and punch the walls that I would give in so he wouldn't wake up the kids. He is somewhat better now, but still gets angry if it becomes too infrequent. I have told him many times that my lack of interest is because I don't feel close to him emotionally as much as I believe I need. He says he tries, but it is very little, if any change at all. But he told me that if we couldn't fix it and have sex more(not just do it, but actually initiated by me with passion) that he would get it from somebody else. I don't know what to do. Do I try to respark the connection or just give up? Part of me says run for the hills, and another says keep trying every marriage is hard.
Side note: He hates therapy and refuses to go.
Thanks for your post.
I know this must be a rather difficult situation for you so I'm really sorry for that.
Before I give you my advice, I have a question - are you afraid that he will get physically abusive towards you?
It's clear your husband has some real internal issues of his own that needs to be addressed. I will generalise here but so many men struggle with therapy primarily because the issues that need to be resolved create too much internal pain and turmoil which ultimately leads them to a feeling of weakness, hence that the easiest way to deal with it is to avoid it. It's sad but it happens all the time.
In a relationship, we have influence, but we can never control. No matter how much we think we can control, it's rare that we get the outcome that we want, hence it's really important to look inside yourself and make a decision around how you wish to be treated and how you wish to move forward.
Put simply, his behaviour is unacceptable and if I spoke to him, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that is was wrong. Having said that, no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to the story so it would be interesting to discover what his take is on all of these experiences you are going through...
We get what we tolerate in life. In other words, whatever you set your standards as, you will get.
So if your standard is to have a man who will treat you with respect and love because thats what you deserve, then you will have a standard that will allow you to notice the warning signs early and know what action to take. How? Because you value yourself. When we value ourselves internally, we move forward knowing that a man has to meet a certain standard before he can truly be allowed to enter into our world. And believe me, there will be little things that he will demonstrate that will determine whether he is the right fit for you...In this case, there are also major signs as well.
However, I see so many women overlooking all these little things and then getting hurt in the long run - mainly cause they either were so caught up in the initial 'honeymoon' period or they chose to ignore the warning signs. Trust me - I totally get it cause i've been through the exact same process. I was so lured to having a relationship that I completely overlooked the warning signs until there was a moment of massive heartbreak.
So the question is - what are you prepared to tolerate? If you view this as unacceptable and he needs to change, then that needs to be communicated. This then leads to my question above regarding his tendency to inflict physical harm. If there is a chance of that, then you need to be very careful and call upon the appropriate authorities in the first instance.
If not, then you need to decide on how you wish to be treated and act accordingly. With kids being involved as well, I know it will be the natural tendency to want to stick it out because of them but just remember, kids soak in all the behaviour from their surroundings so exposure to a dysfunctional relationship can be even worse than dealing with a separation.
I hope that all makes sense.
If you have any questions, please let me know.