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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:38 AM Thread Starter
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Husband Paying for cam girls

Alright so we're both 25, we have a ten month old son, been together 4 years and married 6 months.

March 9 i found out he was watching cam girls and i got quite upset. In my opinion is think of it is a form of cheating. To be privately chatting sexually etc with another woman no matter a random is heartbreaking to me.

He told me he would stop, he would not go on the cam girl website.
Now s month later in had opened mail bank statement from him to check before throwing out and i glanced and wondered if he was being frauded with all these charges. I Google the website on the transaction and it's a payment site so i put two and two together. In a month he had spent $325!!! I confronted him and he lied through his teeth to me and i said im not stupid and can guess what they are from. I got three months worth of bills found he had spent just over $800! I didn't even get a Christmas present birthday gift, i put all my money into us and our son....And he's spending that kind of money to jerk off? Even more heartbreaking....

I'm at a loss and don't know what to think or feel. Our sex life has not been the greatest after having a child due to depression and hating my body lol. At minimum it is once a month. So i get the sexual frustration but the cam girls just hurt more...

Anyone in a similar situation?
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:21 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

I was married to a guy who did something similar. But it was not cam girls, it was women he met online plus a lot of porn.

Our sex life was great... until he decided to end that. He did not work and played on the computer all day. We are no longer married. (that's the short story of it.)

I consider what he is doing to be a form of infidelity. It's like paying for prostitutes, only they are online.

I can understand a person getting frustrated in a marriage in which the sex life it not good for a while. But this is certainly not the answer.

Not sure what your finances are like, but for a lot of people that's a lot of money to blow on nonsense. So there is a financial problem as well that he is creating.

Clearly you cannot rely on him saying that he is going to stop this. He'll just take it more underground.

What do you want to do about this? Are you considering divorce? Or do you want to try to fix your marriage?

Also, what are you doing about your PPD?
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:54 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

Sorry you are going through this.

The interaction with a cam girl is a form of cheating in my eyes, and there is also such a thing as financial infidelity (which in all honest is just as bad if not worse because it threatens your security). I have no idea how much these things cost but it sounds like a fortune to me and suggests he is in quite deep as opposed to just being curious.

Could he be a sex addict? The reason being that addicts tend to have NO priorities other than getting their fix. Therefore if he is spending excessive amounts of money when he has important financial responsibilities to his family it is a huge red flag.

@Hope1964 may be able to help you with this

Last edited by peacem; 04-10-2017 at 02:58 AM.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

My wife and I don't consider online relationships to be sexual infidelity.

But the money and the lies are devastating, and horrible, and destructive. Sadly, neither of us can think of anything comforting to type.

Whether your husband is addicted or simply doesn't care doesn't matter, really. How would you change him? Can you change him?

One thing is certain. Do not accept being treated this way.

Is it possible for you to take control of the finances, so he cannot spend money without your express consent? Would he agree to that as a condition of continuing to work on keeping the marriage together?

Good luck.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

My 2 cents is tell the cam girl watching husband that his behavior is destructive to the marriage on several levels: it makes you wonder if you should trust that he will always be faithful to his marriage vows, it is a financial drain on your young family, it is stealing time and intimacy that he should be spending with you.

Getting angry at him is not a solution. You can't change him, only he can change himself.

You can ask him to change himself, tell him to get counseling, and reward improvements he makes in himself.

Good luck. He is a father and husband and needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life and the betterment of his family. If he won't go to counseling is there an older brother or sister of his that he respects, who is stable, married, and could talk some sense into him?
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

After only 6 months of marriage he's on the internet spend good chunks of money on cam girls...wow. You definitely have a good reason to be upset about this. I would give him an ultimatum, you get to monitor all the credit cards and if he does this again, it's over.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

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Originally Posted by Lps1221 View Post
Anyone in a similar situation?
Not any more, but I was 7 years ago. When I found out I kicked him to the curb. You can read my story through the link in my signature if you like.

People will come on here and tell you that in their eyes this isn't cheating yadda yadda, but just ignore that. If you think like I do, then he crossed the line when he went from porn to one-on-one chatting. Anyway.

Since you already confronted, he's probably deleted everything by now, so if you want to gather evidence you'll need to back off for a while and let him think you're not going to pursue this. You need to find out if it went any further than looking, because it very well could have.

Whether you want to stay with him will depend on whether he steps up here, or whether he keeps minimizing what he's done. If he tries to make you think YOU did something wrong, **** him. Kick his ass out. If he tries to at least apologize and says he'll never do it again, make him prove it. Tell him several things have to happen before you'll consider not kicking him out
- he has to give you access to all of his devices ON THE SPOT - log in and hand you the phone/tablet/computer. NO DELETING.
- he must delete all his online porn/cam/sex site profiles AFTER you see whether he PM'd anyone for sex in person
- he must see a CSAT (certified sex addiction counselor) You can find one here
https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/ They will be able to determine if he is indeed a sex addict
- he must present you with a plan for going forward - how he is going to keep from doing this ever again
- he must get STD tested and present you with written results

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lps1221 View Post
In a month he had spent $325!!! I confronted him and he lied through his teeth to me and i said im not stupid and can guess what they are from. I got three months worth of bills found he had spent just over $800! I didn't even get a Christmas present birthday gift, i put all my money into us and our son....And he's spending that kind of money to jerk off? Even more heartbreaking....

@Lps1221 I am not defending your husband by any means, as what he did was really wrong. I will however try to provide you with some possible insight that may help the two of you have a productive discussion on the topic.

If you have a newborn child in the house, odds are that both of you are under a tremendous amount of stress. Everyone's sexuality is different, particularly in how we respond to stress. Some people's libidos will kick into overdrive during stressful situations, while others will have zero desire for anything sexual. In the event that stress is creating the opposite effect on you and your husband's sexual desires, you will need to discuss this and try to find ways to deal with it.

As for your husband, if you have been turning him away due to stress and/or fatigue, AND he has compulsive tendencies with his behavior... ...this will be a very challenging topic to address and create a more loving environment for one another.

Ideally you would need for your husband to be strong for you during the first year or two of having a newborn in the house, and I am sorry you have this issue to add to your list of struggles in life. Hopefully you can get him to just open up and talk about everything with you, as sometimes just that can go a long way in helping raise each other's awareness in a way that will allow love and patience towards one another to prevail.

Regards,
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

when he agreed to be a husband and then a father, he should have thought before diving in.

too many people (and i'm not necessarily accusing him; i don't know him) get married and have kids without thinking through and
realizing the seriousness of it. if he had studied and thought through, he should have realized having kids often has a profound effect
on a woman and also, generally the sex life of a couple. everything often changes. it's a whole new life, a whole new way.

he needs to learn to wack off without going outside the marriage. you can help him as much as you can with hand jobs, and providing
as much sexual release for him as you can. allow him to wack off with magazines (i know, 'old school') or set boundaries as to what he can do.

he can't shut off his libido just wishing it away, but if he can't find a way without cheating, then it's either counseling, group therapy, or something more drastic.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: Husband Paying for cam girls

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
After only 6 months of marriage he's on the internet spend good chunks of money on cam girls...wow. You definitely have a good reason to be upset about this. I would give him an ultimatum, you get to monitor all the credit cards and if he does this again, it's over.
This is so true. You set the boundary in your marriage of what you are willing and unwilling to live with. Your husband violated your boundary. To me, yes, sexual interaction with another woman is infidelity. You have every right to end your marriage today. If you want to save it, he needs to show remorse and work to prove to you that it will not happen again by providing full transparency on his devices and daily whereabouts. If he engages in sexual interaction with another woman again, you have to be prepared to separate.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
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