Sex life in trouble!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:03 AM Thread Starter
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Sex life in trouble!!

It's been 30 years after marriage and everything was going fine until a few weeks back. I'm not able to maintain my erection for more than 15 - 20 minutes. This sexual problem is making a very big strain in our relationship.

I get anxious and my heart beat faster when I'm trying to ejaculate. I know this is a common problem but I would like to the reason behind this erectile dysfunction.

While researching I saw that people who are under any medication, diabetic, cardiovascular problems, depressed, alcoholic, drug addict, etc. will face this issue in common. I don't have any of these issues, then why am I not able to ejaculate.

My wife is worried about the situation and she asked me to undergo erectile dysfunction treatment from a clinic in Toronto. Will this treatment be of any help? Any advice is highly appreciated.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

"Men's Clinics" can be sketchy. Often they have a small playbook. It's often all about the penis and little else. Not that your choice is that way. I do not know.

Going to a GP, a urologist, and endocrinologist, and a psychologist covers most of the bases. While it is a significant amount of time to do so, each has a specific set of skills and looks at the issue from different angles.

You are on a journey. It is rare that you'll find the answer by going to one place, especially one that is peddling Viagra, etc., on its homepage. You want to find out if the issue is psychological in nature, physical, or a combination of the two.

Have you had any traumatic events, aside from your ED, either physical in nature or psychological? For instance, I had a patient who witnessed a fatal motorcycle accident, with a female victim horribly mangled as a result. Years later, he started suffering from sporadic incidents of erectile dysfunction. After some time, we realized that the victim was wearing the exact same earrings as those that his wife bought and wore occasionally when they were having sex. We figured out that the earrings were the issue within a few sessions, but it took much longer for us to connect them to the victim of the accident.

Of course, the physical issues are often, but not always, easier to treat, but going to a "Men's Health" clinic would not be my first recommendation, as many have a one-size-fits-all approach. As I said, I don't know anything about your choice of clinics, but the page that you linked to didn't give me much confidence.

Hang in there. If you don't feel like you're getting good treatment from one source, move to another. It's your life.

Edit: Make sure that you give your wife extra attention! She may be having issues as well because of this, such as insecurity, or performance anxiety. You need to be reassuring and attentive, both in and out of the bedroom. Involve her in your healing process, as she may be one of the keys to success. Do not keep her in the dark. Two became one, remember? You could end up solving your problem, but leave her in need of healing herself.

Last edited by Dr. Stupid; 04-11-2017 at 08:36 AM.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

Go to a urologist and get all the plumbing checked. Rule out a physical cause.

Then get some Viagra and Cialis and Levitra. See which works best for you. No shame in needing them as you get older. Only shame is needing them and refusing to get them.

How much do you exercise? Erections are based on the cardiovascular system. If you don't have enough aerobic conditioning, then after a few minutes of vigorous exercise where your body is struggling to ferry enough oxygen to your muscles and brain, it will recall the blood from your erection to increase the flow elsewhere. So even with the pills, best to get yourself into decent shape. That is why all the commercials for pills warn you to "check if your heart is healthy enough for sex".

And yes, it stinks to get old. But as far as we know for sure, it beat the alternative.

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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

Go see your PCP. If necessary, he/she can recommend seeing a specialist. It may be as simple as a few "special" pills to get everything working again.

That said, @Holdingontoit is correct, if your health is lacking- it is often reflected in the health of your Johnson... Think of the canary in the coal mine. If your PCP has been recommending that you lose weight, or cut salt, or become more active- you probably want to start following that direction.

I had some issues with mine a few years ago...okay, I had other issues, too... but I dropped 100+ pounds, started running half marathons, and pounding iron. My Johnson is working quite well now.

My story:

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

30 years of marriage would probably place you in the mid 50's range.

it is not uncommon (in fact, more common than not) for the darn things to not be working like they did in their 20's at that age.

you can maintain an erection for 15-20 minutes? that's not bad. i think you're panicking way too soon.

by all means, take the above advice and see your sawbones, but i would stay away from the mens clinics for now.

it could very well be just a matter of natural, normal aging and it might very well be transitory.

oh, yah, and take Holdingontoit advice and do aerobic exercise. either fast walking, running/jogging or elliptical.
it will make the blood flow much better.............
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

How often do you have sex?


"Finally, "the refractory period," or the time it takes to achieve another erection after ejaculation, increases with age. While a young man of 18 can often recover with an erection 15 minutes after sex, a man in his 50s may require 24 hours or more before he has another erection and he is interested in intercourse again."

Other sites allude to this, but don't put numbers on it.

Other sources, which I was not able to readily find now, mention it becomes more difficult to orgasm with age, more than the issue of erection. So a man in his 50's may be able to achieve erections every day, but find he cannot achieve an orgasm every day, for instance.

I researched this quite a bit when I found this happening to me as I got into my late 50's. My wife found it frustrating that she was not able to get me to come every day. I had to teach her to accept the fact she has to entertain me over a day or two now before she gets rewarded.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

If you're in your 50s, and your wife wants to have sex for 15-20 minutes, you should consider yourself incredibly lucky! I'm in my mid 30s, and 20 minutes of sex would pretty much be hell on earth for my low-drive wife. She wants me to get in, get off, and get out, as quickly as possible. I have my own thread about this, and am not trying to hijack yours. I'm just saying that you should still consider yourself fortunate that your wife enjoys sex that much, and accept that at your age it's not uncommon for men to have to take "performance enhancing drugs".

PS- You guys in your 50s and older having very active sex lives gives me hope, yet also makes me realize that the path I am currently on is not going to lead me to the same kind of sex life you guys enjoy.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:57 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

Originally Posted by nelson087 View Post
It's been 30 years after marriage and everything was going fine until a few weeks back. I'm not able to maintain my erection for more than 15 - 20 minutes. This sexual problem is making a very big strain in our relationship....
I am 68, married for 46 years and don't see that there is a problem at all. If you can keep it up for 15 to 20 minutes you should be statistically more than enough to satisfy a typical woman.

You might want to suggest to your wife that the two of you go to a sex therapist about whatever she needs you to do with your erect penis for anything longer.

Seriously you should really only need to be worried if you can't keep it up for 5 to 7 minutes.

How long should intercourse last? | YourTango

When her vagina isn’t properly aroused—at least 15 to 20 minutes of foreplay—chaffing can occur making intercourse uncomfortable. So for the average couple, after she is aroused 10 to 15 minutes of intercourse will probably do the trick. However, studies show that the average length of intercourse lasts for three to seven minutes. Great Sex Tip Want the sex to last longer? Focus on tons of foreplay and taking a break during intercourse to do other erotic activities.
Average Sex Time for Men Is Not as Long as You'd Think - How Long Should Sex Last?

Statistically speaking, a 2005 study found that sex lasts 5.4 minutes on average, although that data does not take into account foreplay, female orgasm, or non-heterosexual pairings. For historical perspective, Alfred Kinsey's 1948 research found that 75 percent of American men ejaculated within the first two minutes of sex. Progress.

"Very few people have intercourse per se [Latin for by thrust] that goes longer than 12 minutes," says sex therapist Barry W. McCarthy.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

hows your tongue work?

might try mixing it up some.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

i am not following your post very well. Can you remain hard for a long time, but can not cum? Can you not get hard? Can you get hard, but it only lasts 15 minutes? These are all different things, with different solutions.
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:20 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

I'm with those who say you should just get a general checkup first. Maybe the fact that your heart has trouble keeping up means that you're out of shape. Your body readjusts its priorities, putting breathing and circulation before sex. If the doctor says there's nothing physically wrong with your heart, maybe it's time to start an exercise regimen so that Mr. Heart can keep up with Mr. Johnson's wishes.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

BTW, what you want is a Urologist that specializes in Sexual Dysfunction. Anyone else will just be a posseur. Urologist will review your medications and health, and possibly ultrasound your penis for blockages/damage
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

Originally Posted by nelson087 View Post
It's been 30 years after marriage and everything was going fine until a few weeks back. I'm not able to maintain my erection for more than 15 - 20 minutes. This sexual problem is making a very big strain in our relationship.
52 here. 15-20 minutes erection is not bad. Sometimes I will get erect and then it will deflate some as foreplay continues. This happens from time to time. Eventually it will stand to attention again. Ejaculation can take time every now and then. Depends on the freak flag my W and I are flying at the time.

See your Dr. Inquire on the ED drugs offered these days.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: Sex life in trouble!!

Mine goes up and down while we play. If not stimulated I may lose an erection while attending to her, for example. I'm sure this was a surprise to her at first but it never bothered me and she found she could get me erect easily so that's how it goes. It's also a great way to move back to a little oral - I just move her in that direction to get me hard again.

My reading on this seems to indicate that arousal and performance become decoupled as we age. Young men are hard and horny at the same time, so when these start to decouple with age it can be alarming. The other side of this is I can be rock hard and ejaculate but not be aroused enough to really enjoy it fully.

Relax and recognize this can happen and maybe give her a couple things to do to get you hard again - oral, hj, a fun roleplay... many options here. It TMI to share the goto roleplay we use but it works very well

For cardio, get a Hr monitor and do interval training on an elliptical. Push to get your heart rate in the high range, then at the low point if the interval go as slowly as needed to drop your HR considerably. I did 2 minute intervals and the resulting pattern is a big sin wave. This will condition your heart most effectively and increase your recovery rate and oxygen use.

Good luck

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