Also, it seems like she is trickle-truthing you. Giving you little by little until she is ready to drop the bomb on you. I have a feeling it ain't gonna be a small bomb, friend.
And right on schedule, she delivered. She had already told me quite a bit of a previous relationship while in college. Story #1: During an argument with her then bf about his cheating, she stripped to her underwear and asked his friends in attendance if what he was cheating with could be better. They said 'no' and humiliated him. Story #2: While intimate with this bf, she realized his friends were in the closet watching. She said something. They all left. Whatever. We've all done silly things. Maybe some more, maybe some less. I remember listening to her tell me stories and watching her wait for my reaction. I remember half smiling / half scoffing, exhaling a lung of smoke, and muttering the word 'college
Fast forward about a lot of years later... This time she tells it a bit differently: she stripped but instead of the story ending where everyone agrees she is better looking, she and bf decided to make up. So instead of the previous version where she is unknowingly being watched, now it was an intentional 'show' of sorts.
You have doubts about her, she has doubts about you. This is pure mid-life crisis....stuff.
Her telling you....out of the blue?....about her sexual exploits before marriage?
She is sabotaging the marriage. She is blurting out things...for what reason?
She has resentment for you. Big resentment. Saying that her medicine is the cause for her lowered libido? This is a lie. Yes, she feels some guilt over her lack of interest in sex.
She is repressing her true feelings of resentment of you. She wishes her life were different.
Her biggest "unspoken" reason for her resentment and feelings of despair?
The fact that you are low desire. From the get-go she wanted a physically passionate man. She wanted a lustful husband.
Not a man who abstained for two years. The is the area where you are most incompatible. She is a Latin romantic. Hot, lusty, desirous of a man who can dominate her sensual side.
The fact that she stuck with you, did not leave you, shows that you have other qualities that she likes.
Again, this is a compatibility issues between you two.
She stopped working out and looking good early in your marriage because she was had given up on you being a that man who would appreciate her beautiful body. She wanted to be sexually taken. She still does. She saw the looks and reactions that she got from other men...when she was fit and hot. But she knew that to act on those desires of being taken [and passionately made love to] would kill her marriage. She gave up. She gave up on you changing. She started to resent you and started to resent her choice in husbands.
The Vanilla Sky led to vanilla sex and she has hated it ever since. She is a passionate lady. Very much into passionate and spontaneous love making.
I have really thought about this one: the idea that I fail to deliver physically, fall short, and lack passion. I really cannot see how this could possibly be true. Truth be told, a part of me wishes that this were true because it would make this while ordeal much much simpler. OR I am completely delusional. But I don't think it's this and i don't think it's denial talking either.
She's a fighter. She is feisty. She loves to battle it out. She doesn't want to be completely dominated. In other aspects of her life, she is the dominant (work, etc). She wants a sparring partner. Someone who will put up a great fight. Win some / lose some / draw some. Someone with the strength to win and yet the confidence to admit defeat when warranted.
Lately, I have gotten in really good shape (crazy diet, 6 pack, chiseled jaw, same waist size as in HS but 30/40 lbs heavier, etc). I have 20 somethings hitting on me places I go. Her friend made a comment during family night at the pool. Something else along these lines that for the life of me I can't remember tight now. A few weeks later, she decided to taper down from her meds (yes, these are strong benzos that kill libido and lead to weight gain), started exercising, dieting, etc...
Holy hell... Connecting these dots takes me to a completely different place. Maybe this bit is just wishful thinking on my part: a pathetic need to deny what is in clearly in front of me staring me in the eyes.
I know she does blame me for her meds. But I also know this is total BS. Yes, times had been rough. But she was on this kind of stuff going back, to well college...