Hi all. please bare with me, this is gonna be a long one.
Well...
For the past couple of years, I have felt so utterly neglected and ignored by my husband. I might as well be a piece of furniture. He comes home from work, eats his lunch which is always waiting on the table, doesnt even comment on the cooking, or even a thank you. Doesnt even speak to me. just to the kids. He then goes and has his nap. He wakes up, either plays with the kids, goes out for hours, or plops on the couch and watches tv. Even if I try to initiate a conversation, he seems uninterested.
He NEVER says I love you and I dont remember him saying it for years. He never even touches me. (in a non sexual way). He never sits next to me, never holds my hand, touches my face, cheek, hair, NOTHING. It seems that all I am good for is taking care of the kids and cooking and cleaning. If I get all done up to go to a party or just for him, he doesnt even comment. He never says anything about my apearance and I try very gard to always look nice for him. Im a regular at the salon here always getting things done, but sometimes I think whats the point? He never notices. and if he does, he never says a word.
We never go out. EVER. This is what kills me the most. Not even for a drive. He always makes sure he takes the kids out at least once a week, but I can honestly say the last time he and I did something together, even a trip to the market, has been a year ago. I hardly ever leave my house and the fact that he doesnt want to take me out and let me breathe from taking care of two year old twins all day hurts me very much.
Even on special occasions, for the past 2 years, im the only one who remembers. He never gets me a birthday gift or even remembers, anniversary, mothers day, valentines, Xmas, NOTHING. but I always have something ready for him.
I tried talking to him on several occasion about this. But he just snickers and calls me spoiled.
What makes me ANGRY....is that he will ignore me like this constantly, then out of the blue, grab my crotch or my bootie, and tell me to go to the bedroom. If I dont, he gets mad and gives me the silent treatment until he gets his sex. I have explained to him that a woman needs to feel loved, pretty, appriciated in order to be in the mood, and when a person treats a woman like dirt, she is in no way going to want to sleep with him. He says I'm spoiled.
I ask him if he were to just talk to me, to give me a kind word, to take me out once in a while, that I would be all over him. He says if I give him sex he will do those things. I give sex. I get nothing.
This last time it has been going on now for a month. he does not speak to me (even less now) and will not even sit in the same room with me. If im in the living room he is in the bedroom.
A few days ago, he sms's me from the bedroom and tells me to come up and have sex with him. I sms him back that when he knows how to make a woman feel good about herself, then he can have all the sex he wants. he says forget it.
Then last night in bed he grabbed me and almost forced himself on me. I stood my ground and said no. Again, still getting the silent treatment. He left the house today shortly after arriving from work and it is now night time and I have no idea when he plans on coming home.
I cant take this anymore. this is becoming emotional abuse. I'm downright suicidal at this point. Do I just give him his DAMN SEX???? The thing is, I dont want him to think that he can treat me this way and get what he wants!!!! because that is what I have been doing just to end the damn silent treatments!!! I am starting to hate him!! I havent left the walls of my house in ages...I dont even know what day of the week it is. My life is just babies babies babies cooking cleaning and ignoring.
Sorry for ranting. but my question again, do I just give him his damn sex and let him continue thinking he can do this to me? Or do I hold my ground and refuse the sex until I get treated like a human being and like a WOMAN? or will I end up having him cheat on me?? Just so you know, my husband is the most stubborn man on earth. if he has it in his mind he wants something his way, he wont budge. The longest he has gone without speaking to me was almost 3 months. Again, because of sex, I didnt give it to him when he wanted it.
Please help.....Im at the point now where all I do is cry day and night. What do I do?
Counceling is not an option. he flat out refuses.
If you go on strike without an explanation, then that would be unfair. However, it does not sound like you are keeping you reasons secret!
One has to ask, do you like the sex he give you, or will it be easy to go on strike?
If you are going to do this as a kind of ultimatum, you need to know the rules of ultimatums:
1) You can't be seen to be bluffing, you must seem like you mean it.
2) The "if you don't do xyz" part must be clear.
3) (And this is where you might struggle) If he delivers, you must acknowledge and deliver on your end.
I must say I used to love the idea of the ultimatum, but these days, I feel it should be a last resort. What you are actually lacking in you marriage is communication.
You think you have told him what you need, and you have, but not in a way that he can internalize. he doesn't feel your isolation or your frustration. Nor can he imagine it for himself.
So if you do go ahead with the sex strike, perhaps you should print out something as clear as your post on this thread, and tell him that when he meets xyz - he will get sex.
Thank you for your reply, it is so much appriciated.
As for in the bedroom, he is not the "wham bam thank you ma'm" type. He is actually a very good lover. His problem is just knowing how to get the woman into the bedroom.
I think, in my own mind anyway, that I am being very clear. I think he is seeing this as a "fight" and whoever "caves" first loses. ie, if he actually speaks to me or takes me out or pays attention to me whatsoever, he loses the fight and I have won. What I find idiotic, is that all the moron has to do is SPEAK TO ME and acknowledge that I exsist and he'll get his sex.
I've caved in the past just to get the silent treatment over. But this time, I honestly dont care how long it takes. I really feel like this is abuse. I will not take it anymore. I'm not some THING that you just ignore day and night and then expect me to wow you in the bedroom. He cant see that it just doesnt work that way. I have told him that I feel so unloved, ignored, unapriciated, depressed. the few friends that I had moved away a few months ago and I dont have a single person to talk to or go out with. Once the kids are in bed I just sit on the couch or the PC while he is out, or upstairs watching tv in the bedroom.
Thank you for the link, I will read it right now. and thank you so much for replying.
If I'm doing something wrong.....how can I fix it?
I remember Dr Phil saying you cant change a person, you have to change yourself and they will follow. What do I do to change myself, or to be more accurate, my behavior? I cook, clean, bake, get done up, try to have conversations, beg him to go out....What do I do???????????
Does he just not love me anymore?
I cook, clean, bake, get done up, try to have conversations, beg him to go out....What do I do???????????
Does he just not love me anymore?
I'm sure he loves you, but he is in a world of his own. You need to get his attention. Keep trying, you will find a way. And report back to us
You know, in the process of negotiation, there are ways of gradually "upping the ante". In business, I never go ballistic at the start of a negotiation. I always save the "big guns" until the point is reached where I have tried everything else. Have you considered that?
I agree with the above poster, you have to make the ultimatum clear. Don't do the "I'm not going to say anything and see how long it takes" thing. That can have some very undesired effects.
If you've tried to talk, then go for it. But while you are doing it. When he tries something, and you go to reject him basically, don't do it in a sarcastic or angry way. He is obviously a proud man, and attacking him or being a smart ass will only piss him off more, then it will definitely be a "Who's going to win" scenerio. Be more thoughtful about it when you tell him.
And as was already said... once you start it, you HAVE to follow through with it.
thank you so much for your replies.
I think the last poster made a good point about "the way" I tell him no when he makes his advances. I do get upset and say it sarcasticly at times.
Mark twain, Im not sure what you were refering to by "big guns". if you meant the refraining from sex, then I have honestly tried every other means that I can think of. (unless someone else has any ideas)
He just told me that in the next couple of days he will be gone on a 5 day business trip. I know he will be expecting something before/after his trip. But I'm sorry. I'm holding my ground. Maybe this will show him that I am serious. I will welcome him back with open arms, but not with the candles and rose petals and baloons and lingerie and all that other stuff I've wasted my money on in the past. And definately no sex until, like Mark twain said, he shows even the teeeeeniest bit of trying to meet me halfway. I dont care if all he says "Nice pajamas" I'll give him some. Even through all of this, I keep trying to make conversation with him to show him that I am not waiting for him to make the first move. He ignores me though.
I've been living like this for the last 2 years. Enough is enough. Will keep all posted. and the replies mean the world to me. Thank you.
To the men out there, I would love to get a mans point of view on the matter. Why do you think he is acting this way? What might I be doing wrong? What would make you, as a man, go for months without sex, just because you don't want to give your wife the satisfaction of hearing a compliment?
To the men out there, I would love to get a mans point of view on the matter. Why do you think he is acting this way? What might I be doing wrong? What would make you, as a man, go for months without sex, just because you don't want to give your wife the satisfaction of hearing a compliment?
He's a control freak...
Plus, you let it go long enough, and have caved in your past attempts. He likes the fact that you cater to him without the slightest effort by him. He has to endure a fight or something now and again, but from the sounds of it, he usually wins... which goes back to his controlling nature.
This isn't something that will just change. People are creatures of habit. Even it it works once or twice for you, he will naturally revert back to the old ways if you let him.
If you are going ahead with plan A, you could use the biz trip as a starting point. Why not write to him and say that if he can do something romantic for you when he comes back or before he goes or both, you will make it worth his while.
Personally, I think what you are wanting from him is affirmation, as well as company. You need to find a pleasant way of getting that across - then it wont be a war of nerves.
If that still does not work, then you could go ahead with the all out strike - but again, make it plain what he has to do to end it.
I feel if you understood him better, you would know how to get the best out of him.
The link was very interesting. I thought it was brilliant how someone actually figured out that some people are visual while others are audio. I think that's probably the case in most relationships!
I will definately convey to him tomorrow somehow, wether verbally or in letter, that we should try to get on the right path before, or after his trip. I'm not even hoping for anything romantic if you want the truth, I just want to be treated like a wife. I want a HUSBAND.
I really hope this works. Usually when I try to talk to him about this he just sits there quiet not saying a word. Its like talking to a brick wall. I wish the man would let me understand him. But he never wants to talk about it or anything else! Even if I ask him what is bothering him. I once asked him what could I do tomake the marriage better for him, and his reply was "Don't get mad." I know those 3 words can hide a lot of meaning behind them, and I know I am not one with anger issues or anything like that, but the only thing I really do get "mad" about is the way I am being treated. Again, I will try to approach the matter differently. crying, yelling, talking, all dont work. I dont have much to work with!
well I will post back here tomorrow once I have any updates. and definately when he leaves for his trip. Take care everyone and thank you for the concern.
Last edited by marlborolights; 01-21-2009 at 04:10 PM.
MT--
You should have linked me to your website instead of the other one, I found it much more informative! My favorite articles were women who dont want sex (you were so accurate on so many details), the romance tips for men, And the telepathy article. The first two I mentioned I actually created shortcuts to my desktop. Maybe hubby will get curious and open them up. Fingers crossed.
Hon, you don't negotiate with an abuser. He's really emotionally abusive to you. I know when you are in a situation it's hard to see with clarity how bad it truly is because you just get used to it. But what you describe here is horrendous. Sure, he doesn't hit you, but outside of that, he treats you like you are nothing.
He either has major, major psychological problems ... and if he doesn't get professional help, those won't go away so you might as well pack his stuff and send him on his way.
Or he doesn't love you. No one treats someone they love that badly. Hell, I wouldn't treat my pets that way. He's obviously (or so it seemed from your post) loving to the kids. So it's not like he doesn't know how to be loving and kind and generous.
I'm not saying this to be cruel or hurt you further, just to give you the honest opinion that you have asked for.
I don't think you should have sex with him if you don't want to. And no one can blame you for not wanting to if he treats you like crap all the the time ... 3 months without talking to you because you refused sex? That's BS!!!! So, that's my opinion on the sex.
However, I don't agree with the "if you say a nice word to me, you can get the sex." I understand your logic behind this, but from an objective viewpoint, it still sounds like settling for crumbs, like pulling teeth out of your man to get something he should give you just because you are his wife and he loves you and respects you. I would get it if you were just asking for some special romancing. But, dude, all you're asking for is that he speak to you at all and show basic civility. Really? That's your goal in your marriage? You're okay with that being what you ask for and get? That's it???
You DESERVE a lot more and you should not have to be your husband's hooker where you give him sex in exchange for a kind word. There's something seriously wrong with that man and, if I were you, I would tell him he needs to go to counseling on his own AND as a couple if he wants the marriage to remain. Otherwise, I would leave him - as hard as that might be because it sounds like you clearly love him a lot? Why do you love him? How's your self-esteem that you can love someone that treats you like that?
My heart breaks for your situation. Your children will soon pick up on how treats you and think that's normal and okay. You might find them treating you like that too because children imitate. They might learn that's how you relate to people in a relationship. I'm sure you don't want that for them.
Divorce should not be something we rush to. But, in your case, I think you should seriously start to think about it. Don't negotiate with the sex (if you're in the mood, do it with him; if you're not in the mood, don't do it) ... but do take control of your life and decide that it will be a good life. If he can't provide that for you, then move on. I can guarantee you that the vast majority of men out there would treat you 1,000 better than your husband is treating you right now.
But what marlborolights is looking for is a way to go from where she is now to something better, step by step. Also, she seems to imply that she enjoys the sex, and hubby is quite a good in bed, its just that sex is the only thing that is working at the moment. So she is contemplating cutting herself and her husband off, in order to get through to him.
And it might work, but it might take a very long time, as he is very stubborn. Sometimes love is a faster enabler than toughness. at the end of the day, I'm sure she does not care ho the job gets done, as long as she get a result in the fastest possible way.
Also it must be remembered, that as clear-cut as the situation seems, we are only hearing her side of things.
Imagine if your husband was typing his heart out on another forum, how would you come across?
MT, I really wish he was typing his heart out in another forum, then I would know what was going on in his mind.
MsLady, You did not hurt my feelings one bit. Everything you wrote I think to myself all the time. Why does one stay? Fear I guess. How will I make it on my own...where will I live....income...kids..etc... I feel this way, at least I can tell myself, and my children one day, that I really DID try everything I could to keep the relationship together...
WELL....sex strike, day 30.
Today was husbands day off. he slept till his usual 2 pm.
at around noon, my next door neighbor invited me over for a cup of coffee. I take the kids and go.
at 2, I get an sms from husband. "where the **** are you"
I sms back "neighbors house. be nice." the whole time pretending infront of her that everything is fine.
I make up an excuse to go back home and come home where he starts his "You never leave this house without telling me first" bit. Oh big mighty man.
I said" whats the big deal? its the neighbors house, and i had the kids and you were asleep and I didnt want to wake you"
"Yeah. I saw through the window how you had the kids with you, you werent taking care of them!!"
Now, my neighbor has no kids so no toys, and not a childproof house. I had called my maid to come to my neighbors front yard and watch the kids play while I and the neighbor watched through the window. I explained that to him.
"*snickers* Yeah dont tell me you take care of the kids. You never do. You just sit on your big ass all day and sleep until I come home from work"
"Are you here to see what goes on when you are at work? what are you talking about? Who said that to you? the maid?!!? Are you just making it up?"
"I know it!!! You never get up off that damn couch!! Look at how you BROKE IT". He then proceeds to show me how the legs of the couch are broken off and they have been that way for a few years now from pushing them around. NOT, from my weight or laziness.
"How can you say that??? Who cooks for you? who plays with your kids? who feeds them? washes them? changes them? puts them down for their naps? sleep?? you??"
"No, you have the maid do it all."
Now, over a year ago I started getting horrible pains in certian areas of my body. They are like attacks that can last up to 2 days where I am pretty much imobile and thats why we got a maid. but she only cleans the house. No matter how hurt I am, I still take care of the kids. However depending on the pain, every now and then I will ask her to make a bottle or change a diaper.
"And when did you even once see the maid do anything with the kids?"
"Shut up. You just sit on this couch all day and watch TV, then fall asleep on it in the afternoon cos youre up watching tv until 2 am."
"I fall asleep in the afternoon cos Im exausted and its for 30 minutes! Unlike you and your daily 3 hour nap! and I watch tv at night cos I have no one to talk to!!!"
"Then go to sleep at night!!"
"I cant sleep cos im depressed and I just think think think!!"
"Youre not depressed. Your problem is that I ****ing spoiled you."
spoiled me?
This is the man who, knowing I am in agony, will be upstairs watching TV, and will sms me while I am talking long distance to my mother, "baby is crying".
This is the man who will be awake watching TV, but will WAKE ME UP, to say, "baby is crying".
This is the man who can see how physically exausted I am and in pain I am but will still tell me to get up cps baby is crying.
"Spoiled me how? Every woman wants affection, why should I be any different?"
"You dont deserve affection but dont worry, things are going to change soon" (said in a threatening way.)
"How can you expect me, or any woman, who is treated this way, to want to jump into bed with you? do you not hear yourself?!"
"I dont want you to jump into bed with me. Im done with you."
subject dropped. He leaves the house and has been gone now for 3 hours.
I see we have no milk or bread, so I sms him "Get milk and bread"
He sms'ed me back "Get me a new couch".
I hate him.
Last edited by marlborolights; 01-22-2009 at 11:57 AM.
Yeah, this is more than a simple communication problem and making you feel good.
This dude is messed up in the head. You need to think about what you are really wanting here out of this relationship, and if you really want to keep on like this.
Sex strike...in this case, right or wrong?
Re: Sex strike...in this case, right or wrong?
