Not Sure How to Feel... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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What's a VAR?
A Voice Activated Recorder

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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He wants to be desired. He needs to be desired. Send him texts that you want his big d*ck right now, you can't wait to have him tonight, etc. If you go on a long drive with just him, give him a heads up you want to give him road head. This kind of stuff makes a guy go crazy (trust me!). He also needs to be doing the same for you. Needless, if he isn't feeling desired by you, that gives him no excuse to step outside the marriage and talk with strangers. You two have issues to figure out. Get the sex back on track first. 3-5 times a week is what he needs.

A lot of people come to TAM and post about their declining marriage and a have life changing medical issues like yours. You'd think it would make couples stronger but it seems to make the healthy partner resent and go looking at greener grass. Couples dealing with medical issues cannot neglect the physical intimacy a marriage is built on.
Interesting. So he wants to be desired, and as a result contacts escorts who will screw anything for money?

How does paying one to fake it equate to desire?

Sounds like a guy with poor character who thinks with the wrong head.

I wouldn't waste my time with a guy like this.
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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:15 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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Oh ya. We used to have sex every single day and it was amazing. I just no drive anymore, mostly because there is nothing about me that I feel is sexy. He assures me every day that he thinks I'm sexy and whatever but I don't feel it and that has a big effect on me. And yes, I try.
He is playing with fire regarding the escorts, but the guy is in a jam so to speak. He loves you, his kids, but his needs took a huge dive for the worse. He is human and needs what he lost with your illness. He is struggling just like you are. He know he has obligations to his family, but he also has needs that are not being met.

Not an easy solution to the easy truth about why you are dealing with third parties in your marriage. Those third parties are (your illness, his outlets).

I don't have a magic answer that will satisfy both you and your husband's needs. I don't think a happy medium can be achieved, sorry.

Hopefully others may have that for you.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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Oh and another thing, I have access to everything as far as I know. I know how to see his phones text history (not conversations but numbers) and his web history always is deleted. His Facebook is used cause he doesn't really use it . Never anything on there,although I check.
His deleted web history is concerning. Is this why you're having suspicions? He could be using porn, which depending on your boundaries regarding it, might mean he's violating your trust again.

I agree with investigating.

I also think there are still issues in the marriage. You're dealing with RA and working a physically demanding job for 10 hours/day? The fact that this situation is limiting physical intimacy in a marriage where intimacy has been an issue is also concerning. Are you two still in counseling?
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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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Interesting. So he wants to be desired, and as a result contacts escorts who will screw anything for money?

How does paying one to fake it equate to desire?

Sounds like a guy with poor character who thinks with the wrong head.

I wouldn't waste my time with a guy like this.
I agree. You have an illness and this man did not turn to you in your marriage- instead, he turned to other women to feed him ego kibbles. He's shown you that he is not there for you in sickness and health. He's not marriage material.
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

It is my opinion any man who actually loves his wife and wants to be married would share all information with his wife. There would be no hiding, no deleting of anything.

He should make sure you have access to everything he is doing online on his computer and his phone. If he loves you. Especially given the pure garbage he has already put you through.

That's my opinion.

Good luck. I hope you get what you need. I can't begin to understand what you need, except the truth from the person who says he loves you. You need that.

Edits: You should never have to spy on a spouse. He should hand everything over to you. And while an illness makes life tough, marriage is about supporting each other in sickness as well as in health. I like sex a lot, but he won't get any sympathy from me. I can't believe anyone would try to justify infidelity due to an illness of a spouse.

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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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I agree. This is why I chose to forgive him because I know that he needs more from me. But there is only so much I can do, we have two totally different sex minds. It's a tough one.
Make sure to put yourself as a priority too. Although he has those needs, you have needs too. Such as faithfulness and trust, and you deserve them.

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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:43 AM
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It is my opinion any man who actually loves his wife and wants to be married would share all information with his wife. There would be no hiding, no deleting of anything.

He should make sure you have access to everything he is doing online on his computer and his phone. If he loves you. Especially given the pure garbage he has already put you through.

That's my opinion.

Good luck. I hope you get what you need. I can't begin to understand what you need, except the truth from the person who says he loves you. You need that.

Edits: You should never have to spy on a spouse. He should hand everything over to you. And while an illness makes life tough, marriage is about supporting each other in sickness as well as in health. I like sex a lot, but he won't get any sympathy from me. I can't believe anyone would try to justify infidelity due to an illness of a spouse.
I agree he should hand everything over. Deleted history is a red flag and he needs to be informed that it can't be deleted anymore. That's how trust will be built
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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 01:20 AM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, 2 kids ages 4 and 2. Last summer we had an issue arise that almost broke us, but it ended up bonding us closer once we got through it. This year has been so amazing and amazing our relationship has gotten so strong. Unfortunately, I have been feeling lots of uncertain feelings again and feeling very insecure about us. Here's the issue: last summer I found out that he had been texting with local escorts for about 5 months. He worked out of town for our entire relationship (3 weeks on 3 days off) and had been searching for local escorts everywhere he went. Once he found local work and was home every day he was then looking at local girls in our town. When I found out he insisted he had never actually met up with any one, he just liked to txt them and ask them stuff and then pretend like he was going to meet up but then not show up or just end the convo. He said it was just exciting and it was because porn had gotten boring because he had been watching it since he was a kid. It was a tough road, I asked for a separation, especially since I have never truly believed his story. I have always known that the chances of him having had NOT met up with anyone are slim to none but I just made the choice to "believe" him and forgive and move on. I did this and it's been a great year, we went to a couple of counselling sessions, he promised to stop watching porn all together and never cross that line again. I have only caught him searching and watching port once or twice, confronted him, he apologized, and we moved on. I do understand that it's normal for men, and I never had a problem with porn before because I had accepted it as normal, but after this incident I agreed that it was safest to just cut it off all together. ANYWAYS, this month I have been getting all sorts of feelings again of mistrust. I keep having dreams about him cheating on me, very realistic dreams. I keep feeling like he is being sketchy around his phone (it could be my imagination), and I find myself locating his phone throughout the day or if he is even 10 minutes late from an outing. I try to check his phone but he deletes everything every day and his texts are clean. I wonder if I am having these feelings because it was around this time last year or if it's because he joined a co ed sports team this month which worries me, or if it's because my close friend just got divorced over an affair... I don't know what it is but it's REALLY affecting me negatively. Should I be suspicious? Should I bring up how I feel? Or should I just chalk it up to skepticism and hormones and stay silent about it... ugh I just don't know, I hate this feeling. I keep having these mental images of him with other women and it's making my heart break. He is like #1 husband and father in every other way. Just feeling scared of losing him I guess, and honestly I just kind of wish I could know the truth about last year FOR SURE. I chose to "believe" him but my heart still knows that that was probably stupid.

1. Porn is NOT normal for men. Normal men do not NEED porn, many men get by with a healthy loving partner. He is obviously an addict when the porn was not doing if for him anymore and he had to up the ante to meet girls
2. He is lying that he never met any of them, he probably has already had sex
3. Do not ignore those uneasy feelings, they are your intuition telling you something is wrong
4. Why would he delete everything every day? Ask him why he feels it necessary to delete. If he is building trust then his actions say something else. Surely after the many times you have caught him if he was genuinely interested in being open and transparent he would not be engaging in deleting stuff off his phone
5. Yes you should be suspicious, your WH didn't change, he just got better at hiding his extra curricular activities
6. You will drive yourself crazy, how long do you think you can keep up with the monitoring, this is no way to live
7. Get a PI, have him tracked, put a VAR in his car. This will either confirm your suspicions or prove them wrong. If your suspicions are confirmed then divorce him.

The ball is in your court, take action and refuse to live in this limbo land.
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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

My wife and I do not have sex. She got cancer. I cared for her. Picked up the slack at home. Did what I vowed to do as her husband. Did not cheat, call escorts, go on dating sites, etc. None of it.

He either wants to be your H or he doesn't. Tell him if he isn't going to be there for you in sickness, you don't see any reason to keep him around for your recovery.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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When I found out he insisted he had never actually met up with any one, he just liked to txt them and ask them stuff and then pretend like he was going to meet up but then not show up or just end the convo. He said it was just exciting and it was because porn had gotten boring because he had been watching it since he was a kid.
Boy is this guy a lying sack. Escorts don't waste their time 'texting' with mouth-breathers. He's met with many of them and it would be in YOUR best interests to get yourself STD tested immediately.

Making him stop watching porn isn't your problem. His habit of going to escorts is your problem.

Quote:
ANYWAYS, this month I have been getting all sorts of feelings again of mistrust. I keep having dreams about him cheating on me, very realistic dreams. I keep feeling like he is being sketchy around his phone (it could be my imagination), and I find myself locating his phone throughout the day or if he is even 10 minutes late from an outing. I try to check his phone but he deletes everything every day and his texts are clean.
Not surprised at all that he's deleting all his daily secret activity. Not surprised a bit.

Quote:
I wonder if I am having these feelings because it was around this time last year or if it's because he joined a co ed sports team this month which worries me, or if it's because my close friend just got divorced over an affair...
I hate to keep saying it, but it's because he's a cheater and HAS been for a long while, now. Your gut knows it.

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He is like #1 husband and father in every other way. Just feeling scared of losing him I guess, and honestly I just kind of wish I could know the truth about last year FOR SURE. I chose to "believe" him but my heart still knows that that was probably stupid.
Yes, if it weren't for that pesky call girl habit of his, he'd be perfect.

I repeat - you KNOW he's a liar. Deep down, you know it. You've managed to ignore your gut and believe his bull**** stories, but deep down, you know the truth.
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