Not Sure How to Feel... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:57 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Not Sure How to Feel...

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, 2 kids ages 4 and 2. Last summer we had an issue arise that almost broke us, but it ended up bonding us closer once we got through it. This year has been so amazing and amazing our relationship has gotten so strong. Unfortunately, I have been feeling lots of uncertain feelings again and feeling very insecure about us. Here's the issue: last summer I found out that he had been texting with local escorts for about 5 months. He worked out of town for our entire relationship (3 weeks on 3 days off) and had been searching for local escorts everywhere he went. Once he found local work and was home every day he was then looking at local girls in our town. When I found out he insisted he had never actually met up with any one, he just liked to txt them and ask them stuff and then pretend like he was going to meet up but then not show up or just end the convo. He said it was just exciting and it was because porn had gotten boring because he had been watching it since he was a kid. It was a tough road, I asked for a separation, especially since I have never truly believed his story. I have always known that the chances of him having had NOT met up with anyone are slim to none but I just made the choice to "believe" him and forgive and move on. I did this and it's been a great year, we went to a couple of counselling sessions, he promised to stop watching porn all together and never cross that line again. I have only caught him searching and watching port once or twice, confronted him, he apologized, and we moved on. I do understand that it's normal for men, and I never had a problem with porn before because I had accepted it as normal, but after this incident I agreed that it was safest to just cut it off all together. ANYWAYS, this month I have been getting all sorts of feelings again of mistrust. I keep having dreams about him cheating on me, very realistic dreams. I keep feeling like he is being sketchy around his phone (it could be my imagination), and I find myself locating his phone throughout the day or if he is even 10 minutes late from an outing. I try to check his phone but he deletes everything every day and his texts are clean. I wonder if I am having these feelings because it was around this time last year or if it's because he joined a co ed sports team this month which worries me, or if it's because my close friend just got divorced over an affair... I don't know what it is but it's REALLY affecting me negatively. Should I be suspicious? Should I bring up how I feel? Or should I just chalk it up to skepticism and hormones and stay silent about it... ugh I just don't know, I hate this feeling. I keep having these mental images of him with other women and it's making my heart break. He is like #1 husband and father in every other way. Just feeling scared of losing him I guess, and honestly I just kind of wish I could know the truth about last year FOR SURE. I chose to "believe" him but my heart still knows that that was probably stupid.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

Yes you should be suspicious.

your husband has a problem.

texting girls all the time is NOT innocent!
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

Well, that sucks. I'm sorry you are here.

Go into detective mode. Can you access his cell phone bill? Can you access his facebook and email? He'll slip up eventually, you just can't let him know your'e watching.

How is the marriage? Do you have passion? Do you have intimacy? Do you both love kissing each other. How's the sex? If the marriage is not sound, I'd definitely be worried he's going outside to get needs met.
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Well, that sucks. I'm sorry you are here.

Go into detective mode. Can you access his cell phone bill? Can you access his facebook and email? He'll slip up eventually, you just can't let him know your'e watching.

How is the marriage? Do you have passion? Do you have intimacy? Do you both love kissing each other. How's the sex? If the marriage is not sound, I'd definitely be worried he's going outside to get needs met.
The relationship is amazing, we are so in sync and have an awesome routine going. However, I was bed ridden for the past 1.5 years from Rheumatoid Arthritis, I have been in constant full body pain for a long time. I have gotten better in the last 6 weeks with a new medication, unfortunately the meds give me all sorts of awful side effects (none as bad as being disabled) like constant excessive sweating, thin skin (cuts all over) and a very weakened immune system so I often get infections and just feel exhausted all the time (weekly chemo injections will do that). So, that being said, I am usually not in the mood for sex. Also, I have 2 toddlers and run a daycare in my house so I spend 10 hours a day with up to 5 toddlers. We still kiss and are affectionate but I tend to keep my distance because he always jumps RIGHT to sex so I am hesitant to even want to kiss because he will just keep pushing. We do it probably every 2 weeks or 3 weeks and it's awesome when we do it. We also do little flirtatious acts every day and sometimes some foreplay but I'm honestly not very available. This is why I kind of "brushed off", to a certain extent, his last problem because I KNOW he needs more from me. And I really do try. We are very loving though, hugging and kissing and saying kind things always. We basically never fight, little polite arguments or disagreements, but that's normal.
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Well, that sucks. I'm sorry you are here.

Go into detective mode. Can you access his cell phone bill? Can you access his facebook and email? He'll slip up eventually, you just can't let him know your'e watching.

How is the marriage? Do you have passion? Do you have intimacy? Do you both love kissing each other. How's the sex? If the marriage is not sound, I'd definitely be worried he's going outside to get needs met.
Oh and another thing, I have access to everything as far as I know. I know how to see his phones text history (not conversations but numbers) and his web history always is deleted. His Facebook is used cause he doesn't really use it . Never anything on there,although I check.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

He wants to be desired. He needs to be desired. Send him texts that you want his big d*ck right now, you can't wait to have him tonight, etc. If you go on a long drive with just him, give him a heads up you want to give him road head. This kind of stuff makes a guy go crazy (trust me!). He also needs to be doing the same for you. Needless, if he isn't feeling desired by you, that gives him no excuse to step outside the marriage and talk with strangers. You two have issues to figure out. Get the sex back on track first. 3-5 times a week is what he needs.

A lot of people come to TAM and post about their declining marriage and a have life changing medical issues like yours. You'd think it would make couples stronger but it seems to make the healthy partner resent and go looking at greener grass. Couples dealing with medical issues cannot neglect the physical intimacy a marriage is built on.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

Yes, definitely go into detective mode and find out all you can about his texts that he's deleting and consider putting a VAR is his car. Don't tell him or ask about anything you find or he'll go dark. You deserve to know if he's doing anything else that is suspect. It seems this porn thing is so engrained in him it would be tough if not impossible to stop. Calling prostitutes and just talking to them also has to stop. He may need some kind of individual therapy to stop his habits. If he can't stop you'll have to decide whether you can deal with it.

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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
He wants to be desired. He needs to be desired. Send him texts that you want his big d*ck right now, you can't wait to have him tonight, etc. If you go on a long drive with just him, give him a heads up you want to give him road head. This kind of stuff makes a guy go crazy (trust me!). He also needs to be doing the same for you. Needless, if he isn't feeling desired by you, that gives him no excuse to step outside the marriage and talk with strangers. You two have issues to figure out. Get the sex back on track first. 3-5 times a week is what he needs.

A lot of people come to TAM and post about their declining marriage and a have life changing medical issues like yours. You'd think it would make couples stronger but it seems to make the healthy partner resent and go looking at greener grass. Couples dealing with medical issues cannot neglect the physical intimacy a marriage is built on.
That's good advice, I send him pics sometimes but not often. I have zero libido so it makes it very hard to get in the mood, it almost feels like a chore. Maybe that's how I need to treat it for now... Just get it over with lol.
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

This is a tough one, because in my opinion, it should NEVER be ok for him to talk to other women behind your back (or vice versa), especially escorts. I know that me personally, if my husband was only wanting to have sex with me every 2 or 3 weeks, i would be very saddened and feel vey disconnected from the relationship. Regardless of how amazing every other aspect of the relationship is, sex is still very important in keeping the closeness and intimacy of a relationship healthy. You even said that at times you will avoid making out and kissing because you know that it will lead to more.

I think it's safe to say he was looking for something outside the marriage because of this void he feels. I do not think that it makes it ok, but it could give you an answer. You two need to sit down and talk about this and if his behavior doesn't stop, then it needs to be addressed. You cannot change your health status, but maybe there could be some other things you could do to improve your intimacy that would make you both happier.

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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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This is a tough one, because in my opinion, it should NEVER be ok for him to talk to other women behind your back (or vice versa), especially escorts. I know that me personally, if my husband was only wanting to have sex with me every 2 or 3 weeks, i would be very saddened and feel vey disconnected from the relationship. Regardless of how amazing every other aspect of the relationship is, sex is still very important in keeping the closeness and intimacy of a relationship healthy. You even said that at times you will avoid making out and kissing because you know that it will lead to more.

I think it's safe to say he was looking for something outside the marriage because of this void he feels. I do not think that it makes it ok, but it could give you an answer. You two need to sit down and talk about this and if his behavior doesn't stop, then it needs to be addressed. You cannot change your health status, but maybe there could be some other things you could do to improve your intimacy that would make you both happier.

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I agree. This is why I chose to forgive him because I know that he needs more from me. But there is only so much I can do, we have two totally different sex minds. It's a tough one.
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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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I agree. This is why I chose to forgive him because I know that he needs more from me. But there is only so much I can do, we have two totally different sex minds. It's a tough one.
The easy and true answer is that you are no longer compatible. But nothing is easy now is it.



When you married, were your sex drives similar?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

Oh ya. We used to have sex every single day and it was amazing. I just no drive anymore, mostly because there is nothing about me that I feel is sexy. He assures me every day that he thinks I'm sexy and whatever but I don't feel it and that has a big effect on me. And yes, I try.
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

What a VAR
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
The easy and true answer is that you are no longer compatible. But nothing is easy now is it.



When you married, were your sex drives similar?

Oh ya. We used to have sex every single day and it was amazing. I just no drive anymore, mostly because there is nothing about me that I feel is sexy. He assures me every day that he thinks I'm sexy and whatever but I don't feel it and that has a big effect on me. And yes, I try.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not Sure How to Feel...

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Yes, definitely go into detective mode and find out all you can about his texts that he's deleting and consider putting a VAR is his car. Don't tell him or ask about anything you find or he'll go dark. You deserve to know if he's doing anything else that is suspect. It seems this porn thing is so engrained in him it would be tough if not impossible to stop. Calling prostitutes and just talking to them also has to stop. He may need some kind of individual therapy to stop his habits. If he can't stop you'll have to decide whether you can deal with it.
What's a VAR?
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