How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
This is NOT a well thought out post.

Jesus is in her life.
Jesus is in her heart.
Jesus is not in her pants.

Not good...this one.
I'm sorry you don't like it. But anyone who puts someone else - including Jesus - ahead of their marriage is a POS cheater, IMO.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #17 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Women are unique creatures.

Under that bathrobe she wears, she has two handles.
No..not boobs.

One handle is for hot water.
One handle is for cold water.

One day, a while back, you reached into that robe and mistakenly turned on the cold water.
And....you broke the handle off. Now it runs cold for eternity.

You had a good wife. You had a good wife. You had a good wife.

You want fantasy. "Strap-on" a set of wings...fly to Never-Never land.
Yeoman Smee has a wench lined up for thee.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #18 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Lay off the porn partner.

Unless you made it very clear to her that you expected her to get fd by other men going into your relationship, you are way out of bounds here and I'm surprised she is even still with you.

You sound very unhealthy because you have trained your mind for so long on a porn fantasy that what you really have is slipping away.

You have tipped over the healthy boundaries line along time ago and your wife is probably more turned off by you than you are by her.

Get healthy and improve yourself. Stop with the porn. You obviously can't maintain a healthy outlook with using it.

That is my advice to improve your relationship with your wife.
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post #19 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I'm sorry you don't like it. But anyone who puts someone else - including Jesus - ahead of their marriage is a POS cheater, IMO.
Like him putting his porn addiction and cuck fantasy ahead of her.

My wife and I put Jesus first but we understand what that means.

He flat out tells us to be committed to each other.

If she is using religion as a club to beat her husband with and a barrier to put between them then she isn't worshipping Jesus anyway.

Sounds like she is just turned off by her porn addicted cuck wannabe husband.
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post #20 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

That is a really interesting question, and not easy to answer. I know that I, and others have had some fantasies before they saw porn. There is a woman I know who is into BDSM and once told me that as a little girl she would tied up her barbie dolls (not in a sexual way, but even at a young age there was some attraction).

OTOH, I think porn provides or at least triggers a wide variety of interests as well.

OTOOH, early art suggests that people have been at least somewhat kinky for a long time.

It would be interesting to know how kink varies by culture, and whether it is at all common in cultures without much media access.

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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have a question. These not to so normal fantasy/fetishes such as bondage and cuckold, how does one establish these? Is it through porn or does it just pop in the head all on its own? If you never watched porn or something to trigger would it st surface in your thoughts all by themselves?
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post #21 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

It amazes me that someone would think that inviting or pushing your LD partner to have sex with other people would create more intimacy between you. It's just unrealistic as the porn itself. It doesn't endear you to your partner, it only makes her feel degraded and less safe.

Do you need others in the room to get personal with your wife? Is marriage counseling to personal for you?

Knock off the porn. Get realistic. It's not real.

Get yourself into therapy. Your wife is real. Learn how to create real intimacy.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

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Last edited by anchorwatch; 04-16-2017 at 10:00 AM. Reason: big fingers, little tablet
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post #22 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Dear Readers,
my wife and I have been married for many years now. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, nothing out of the ordinary. But what troubles me most is that my sexual drive and sexual fantasies have never been reciprocated by my wife and, meanwhile, our sexlife has hit rock bottom. I wonder how to solve this issue as I do not want to leave her, not now, after all this time, and I still love her and adore her for many good reasons, including the fact that she has been able to put up with me for so long, despite all the disillusionment she has had to face in relation to me - still, even I could claim having suffered such disillusionement in relation to her: we were both too immature when we met, choosing an unsuitable partner as we did not know who we were ourselves.
So, as things stand, she has found religion and I have found porn, in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners. Hence, our sexlife has become monotonous, limited in its facets, and we have almost ceased to have any - the last few months have seen no sex at all. I wonder, therefore, what I should do, or say to her, in order to make things move forward again, but I find it hard to raise the drive to do so as the anticipation of the sex we might have then does not excite me much at all. It is my fantasies and my porn choices that excite me, not the sex with my wife. Is there a way out?
Thanks for your interest.
Please do advise me if you wish to do so and if you feel you may have a good idea.
Kind regards,
Cuckold1967
Please don't blame your wife's religion on her disinterest in having sex with people outside of her marriage. Many women, religious or not, would refuse to have sex with men who are not their husbands. If you consider this limited and a wet blanket to your sexual excitement, I highly suggest getting into sex therapy for the sake of your marriage.

There is always a way out- divorce. But if you have kids, try sex therapy first. If not, I think your wife should get out.
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post #23 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

It sounds like the porn is a response to her denying him sex in the marriage, compounded by her "finding" religion and using it as an excuse to deprive him of intimacy. So he turned to porn in response to her addiction to spiritual porn. Perhaps I'm wrong, but the timeline for the development of their problems isn't clear to me.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #24 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Yours is a common problem and one that has a lot of married couples talking about monogamy and how it does not seem to work well if the divorce rate is any indicator. My wife and I stepped out of the monogamous zone and ended up having, and still have a great sex life into our mid sixties. We both agree that had we tried to suffer through monogamy when our sex life was dying, we would have divorced. Instead we have enjoyed a great sex life for 44 years and still counting. My signature below states a truth that dooms many a marriage. Seems that most rather go down with the ship rather than find another way to stay afloat. Funny how some friends of mine will rather divorce than give up on monogamy even when the reason for divorcing is that one, or as our last friends did, both are cheating. They rather cheat in the framework of monogamy then to simply give each other permission to do what they were doing anyway. I see no sense in destroying a life you built with someone over sex. Sex can just be sex as my wife and I learned. It does not have to be making love. Married 44+ years and other sexual partners have never come between my wife and I or made even a ripple in our marriage. Our lifestyle and solution is not for everyone but more and more married couples are making it work for them. We know because we have had sex with their spouses as they have with us.

This is from CNN news and worth a read: Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-15-2017 at 10:55 PM.
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post #25 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:21 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post
I have a question. These not to so normal fantasy/fetishes such as bondage and cuckold, how does one establish these? Is it through porn or does it just pop in the head all on its own? If you never watched porn or something to trigger would it st surface in your thoughts all by themselves?
Bondage, cuckold and other things - freaky or criminal have existed BEFORE porn.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #26 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 01:25 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Vinnydee : Out of all your Open relationship friends that are "couples"/married... how many of them last 20, 40+ years?

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #27 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 04:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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So you want your wife to love you enough to sleep with other men? I don't mean to sound close-minded, but how can that even work? Would fulfilling your other fantasies be adequate?
No, I would like her to like sex and cuckoldry enough to want to sleep with other men and thereby cuckold me.
If she did it only to please me, it would not turn me on at all nor would it turn her on. Lose - lose!
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post #28 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 05:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I realized it at 21 when my then girlfriend asked me if I would be ok with her seing a professor of hers for dinner. She described him to me as a person she feels interested in - as they share an interest in pedagogical issues (her field of study) - and who also impressed her as a mature man (he was in his thirties, she was 22). So, as she talked about him and I listened, my heartbeat increased and as I accepted her request and expressed my understanding for her interest in more mature men, I became enormously aroused. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt sexually excited at the thought of her seeing him and being intimate with him. - Ever since that day, I have been a cuckold, but largely in my mind because none of my partners after her had sex outside our relationship, not even those to whom I suggested it.
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post #29 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 05:51 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I realized it at 21 when my then girlfriend asked me if I would be ok with her seing a professor of hers for dinner. She described him to me as a person she feels interested in - as they share an interest in pedagogical issues (her field of study) - and who also impressed her as a mature man (he was in his thirties, she was 22). So, as she talked about him and I listened, my heartbeat increased and as I accepted her request and expressed my understanding for her interest in more mature men, I became enormously aroused. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt sexually excited at the thought of her seeing him and being intimate with him. - Ever since that day, I have been a cuckold, but largely in my mind because none of my partners after her had sex outside our relationship, not even those to whom I suggested it.
So she screwed him? And how did your relationship with her end?

None of your partners after her were into cuckoldry, and that is the reason they came and went, and didn't stick around because they likely lost respect for a man who doesn't want them all for himself.

And that increased heartbeat and arousal....that doesn't mean you like the idea. It is just the normal response to prepare you to pound her through the mattress and displace the other dude's semen.

You misinterpreted your feelings.

The timelines in your current relationship are not clear, but I'm assuming it mostly stems from her losing respect after you brought up the cuckold thing.
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post #30 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

This is how "things" went on and ended:

Well, yes, she did have a short relationship with him alongside me, without threesomes though, they only met in private, in her place, as he was already married. I was staying in my own place, so it was easy for me to give her that space she needed.
After this first guy, there was one other man, a superior of hers, during a placement she did abroad. Two months after that she broke up with me: she left the country to study abroad and, as she said, she had come to realize that she wanted an older partner and, much sooner than I would have considered that an option, found a family. I was devastated for a while, but I managed to recover through concentrating on my studies.

Sorry, I forgot what else you wrote ...
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