How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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So she screwed him? And how did your relationship with her end?

None of your partners after her were into cuckoldry, and that is the reason they came and went, and didn't stick around because they likely lost respect for a man who doesn't want them all for himself.

And that increased heartbeat and arousal....that doesn't mean you like the idea. It is just the normal response to prepare you to pound her through the mattress and displace the other dude's semen.

You misinterpreted your feelings.

The timelines in your current relationship are not clear, but I'm assuming it mostly stems from her losing respect after you brought up the cuckold thing.
No, I didn't misinterpret MY feelings. But you are probably right to say that my "reveations" have put off previous partners as much as my wife, at least to a cnsiderable extent, depending on the case ven to the point of leaving me (probably) for that reason most of all.

The problem is, or rather was: How do you allow yourself to fall in love with a "hand" like mine? I.E.: One of my cards is "I love you" and another one, which 'must' be played too, is "I want to be your cuckold". I have also tried to play that latter card first - no success either!
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post #32 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Lay off the porn partner.

Unless you made it very clear to her that you expected her to get fd by other men going into your relationship, you are way out of bounds here and I'm surprised she is even still with you.

You sound very unhealthy because you have trained your mind for so long on a porn fantasy that what you really have is slipping away.

You have tipped over the healthy boundaries line along time ago and your wife is probably more turned off by you than you are by her.

Get healthy and improve yourself. Stop with the porn. You obviously can't maintain a healthy outlook with using it.

That is my advice to improve your relationship with your wife.
Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.
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post #33 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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This is how "things" went on and ended:

Well, yes, she did have a short relationship with him alongside me, without threesomes though, they only met in private, in her place, as he was already married. I was staying in my own place, so it was easy for me to give her that space she needed.
After this first guy, there was one other man, a superior of hers, during a placement she did abroad. Two months after that she broke up with me: she left the country to study abroad and, as she said, she had come to realize that she wanted an older partner and, much sooner than I would have considered that an option, found a family. I was devastated for a while, but I managed to recover through concentrating on my studies.

Sorry, I forgot
what else you wrote ...
Time is a wonderful salve, a healer.

It allows old memories to magically appear. To form in an instant and as if "on cue".

The narrative continues.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #34 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but unless you are serious about conversing with me, I'd rather you don't.
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post #35 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I went back to the well...your first post. Then I re-read the other posts and slid them together. They do not mesh nicely...a little jagged as things are out of order and spaces seem unfilled... missing.

One thing pops out.

1) Your wife likes mature men.
2) She could not land one.
3) For this reason she is unhappy. She may have "settled" for you. Ouch.

In a peekaan'-nut shell, you two are not compatible. That is it...no more to tell.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 04-16-2017 at 08:59 AM. Reason: Removed a really sharp barb.
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post #36 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but unless you are serious about conversing with me, I'd rather you don't.
I understand. Weather the **** storm.

No one likes to be critiqued. I am no different...believe me!

This is tough love from an Avatar. A faceless guy from the Ethernet.

Not all off it {from everyone here} is "on the mark", I realize this.

Separate the wheat from the chaff.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #37 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by Cuckold1967 View Post
Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.
I know exactly what you are going through. I've been there myself.

It will be very hard but is certainly doable. Do you have any resources to get some help?
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post #38 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I went back to the well...your first post. Then I re-read the other posts and slid them together. They do not mesh nicely...a little jagged as things are out of order and spaces seem unfilled... missing.

One thing pops out.

1) Your wife likes mature men.
2) She could not land one.
3) For this reason she is unhappy. She may have "settled" for you. Ouch.

In a peekaan'-nut shell, you two are not compatible. That is it...no more to tell.
OK, SunCMars, now I get your meaning.
Yeah, you may be right. My wife is 2 years older than me, born in 1965, and I am her second partner only.
Incompatibility always involves both sides, logically, and maybe she has never been so thoroughly attracted to me in sexual terms either?
I am not sure about all this, though, despite our 22 years of marriage, as sex has always been normal in practice and hardly spoken of otherwise.
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post #39 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by Cuckold1967 View Post
Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.


Ok well if you know this than that is a good start.

Your situation is much like mine and my husbands. He is into cuckold as well, the fantasy of it not the reality of it, and I am not into it at all. He watches cuckold porn as well.

So what you have to decide is realistically what is most important to you. If your answer is your marriage and your wife, then you have to work on that and do things that will help your relationship, like stop watching porn.

But if this alternative lifestyle, sexuality part of you is more important than the marriage won't work.

You can't have everything you want. You will not change her, she will never be into this fetish. Ever. So get that option out of your mind because it's not realistic. Stop obsessing over cuckolding. Seriously. A lot of people have fetishes but they don't only need to have that sex fetish to enjoy sex. You obviously at one time enjoyed the sex you guys we're having and that was enough for you. Now all of a sudden cuckolding has became so important and you obsession over it is making you think you need it to be happy and enjoy sex, this is a lie. Porn is ruining your marriage. You need to be stronger than this addiction. It brings you pleasure for a short period of time and then it's over and your empty again after.
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post #40 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 09:51 AM
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How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

The problem is that people tend to go the path of least resistance, and the path that brings them immediate happiness and satisfaction. And In fact if we take that path we are doomed. That "happiness" is fake, and it's short lived. Immediate satisfaction is so the devils work. Seriously we won't live happy successful lives and have successful relationships. AND eventually that stimulus or whatever brought you that immediate "happiness" eventually won't be enough and you will need more of it, until it's a huge problem.

Obesity, the love of food, the love of plastic surgery, the love of porn... this is all people taking the path of least resistance and when it's not balanced it will ruin lives. If you would rather watch porn than sleep with your wife, this is not ok. And it's not because your wife doesn't do what you want so get that out of your head. It is not ok to need porn, it is not ok to need porn to masterbate, To choose it over your wife. This is a problem. When things start to affect our lives and our relationships than there is a problem.

Because most people can balance porn and marriage, most people can balance their sexual freaky side without it ruining a marriage. Because porn, our sexual freaky side... is a little part of who we are, it's a small part of our lives. When we make it bigger than it is, when we make it who we are, when we make it more important than our relationships then we have problems.
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post #41 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by @Cuckold1967
Quote:
Upon reading you I felt: YOU ARE SO RIGHT! - But it is so hard for me to turn things around. Porn has also bcome an escapism to me. It's like what excessive sports or excessive alcohol or ruinous gambling is to others: A dysfunctional and disastrous "cure" to a problem whose cause resides elsewhere.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
I know exactly what you are going through. I've been there myself.

It will be very hard but is certainly doable. Do you have any resources to get some help?
Very few will, can admit this. This addiction..battle with porn.

With the younger generation, men and women look at it. In the past, it was mostly males....the visual thing [false assumption]. Women process images, just fine.

Supposedly, billions are spent on porn. I suspect with the advent of free porn on the internet this dollar amount took a nosedive.

Supposedly, billions look at "it" occasionally....or habitually.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #42 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I see your wife's refusal to participate in your cuckold lifestyle as reasonable for her. She shouldn't have to justify her refusal. You shouldn't ask for a reason for her refusal.

Personally I think it would only ruin a relationship. But if you did happen to find a woman who was up for it, and wanted to participate, fine, go for it. But you should never pressure any woman to participate in that.

Disease, jealousies by lots of people, all kind o' crazy problems even if you found a woman who wasn't ashamed of participating.

One thing for sure is it's just wrong to try to coerce your wife into having sex with other men, for any reason. Blaming her is wrong. Trying to obfuscate the issue by saying she found religion is a waste of typing. She may have found religion to try to cope with having to deal with your constant badgering to try to get her to have sex with strange men to satisfy your sexual perversion.

Oh well, I should probably not post.

Last edited by WilliamM; 04-16-2017 at 05:45 PM.
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post #43 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I see your wife's refusal to participate in your cuckold lifestyle as reasonable for her. She shouldn't have to justify her refusal. You shouldn't ask for a reason for her refusal.

Personally I think it would only ruin a relationship. But if you did happen to find a woman who was up for it, and wanted to participate, fine, go for it. But you should never pressure any woman to participate in that.

Disease, jealousies by lots of people, all kind o' crazy problems even if you found a woman who wasn't ashamed of participating.

One thing for sure is it's just wrong to try to coerce your wife into having sex with other men, for any reason. Blaming her is wrong. Trying to obfuscate the issue by saying she found religion is a waste of typing. She may have found religion to try to cope with having to deal with your constant badgering to try to get her to have sex with strange men to satisfy your sexual perversion.

Oh well, I should probably not post.
No, it's fine that you speak your mind, I appreciate honesty although I'm not fully capable of it in my situation towards my wife.
That being said, I have never badgered her or coerced her into anything - I have suggested things and explained them, but never tried to apply emtional pressure. That at least you could believe me, and maybe your otherwise justly harsh post would have been phrased differently on that premise.

It is possible, however, that my wife found religion in HER attempt to cope with our marriage, with me, and my incompatibility with HER wishes or expectations. I wouldn't deny that. Still, she was open to things in sex at the beginning of our relationship when we were but briefly married and up until the second year. I don't mean she accepted becoming a hotwife, but she admitted the fantasy of a threesome for verbal stimulation during sex, and also the use of a vibrator to replace my penis. There was even a moment where she did consider seeing her ex again and she told me about having met him but having decided not to go further than having dinner. I think she was considering leaving me, maybe, but he may have no longer been a candidate for marriage and she has always been very concerned with her image in her extended family ... So she made her choice.
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post #44 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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....my wife and I have been married for many years now.

...my sexual drive and sexual fantasies have never been reciprocated by my wife and, meanwhile, our sexlife has hit rock bottom.

....she has been able to put up with me for so long,

... she has found religion and I have found porn, in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners.

...It is my fantasies and my porn choices that excite me, not the sex with my wife. Is there a way out?
A few thoughts. I would really love to give and receive oral sex with my wife of 46+ years. Before and early in the marriage she promised me we could. She assumed that our love would grow and she would change. She didn't, it isn't going to happen. I have to live with it or leave. Sometimes you don't always get what you want in life and have to learn to move on.

The real issue for you is do you want to continue your marriage or not? Does your wife want to continue your marriage or not. If the answer for each is yes, then it is all about negotiating compromises that you both can live with.

I would agree with others that cuckolding and a strong marriage are a hard combination to do well, at least in reality. You have probably pushed way too hard and your wife is probably way too turned off to the idea to every make it work in reality. I would also say I don't think it would work for very long in reality.

You might want to ask yourself what it is that you find arousing about being a cuckold? Is it the submissiveness, the humiliation, or is it the a lack of sexual responsibility? Are you OK with the lack of sex, you don't sound like you are, but some in the cuckold lifestyle are committed to lifelong chastity on the part of their hotwife/key holder? You talked about the professor and your girlfriend that you lost. Do you want to keep your wife?

While there could be some ways to role play this, even that would likely not be good for your marriage, depending what it is that arouses you. If she dislikes you, doesn't want to have sex with you, she could humiliate you, lock you in chastity and still enjoy spending your money and being your wife (maybe). Then again, maybe sitting down with your wife and say that you understand she doesn't want to commit adultery, you understand that you were wrong to suggest it, and that you need her help to find happiness in the context of a committed marriage.

If you like the idea of a cuckold and the two of you aren't having sex, because she doesn't want to with you, maybe the two of you can turn the non-sex into something that helps satisfy your fetish, like chastity. Maybe you can pretend that she is having sex with others, even is she doesn't role play that. Maybe if she is angry at you, you can get her to humiliate you in a cuckold context that satisfies your fetish? The problem with trying this is that if she get's into this kind of role playing, it could be the equivalent of negative affirmations. That is, if she humiliates you her subconscious is going to ultimately have less respect for you and think less of you as a "husband."

Now my suggestion is for you to stop the cuckold porn and try to figure out how you and your wife can relate to each other in the context of a marriage. I would suggest that the two of you arrange for some sessions with a sex therapist, who may be able to help the two of you reconnect in a way that brings you both together in a meaningful way.

Don't blame your wife's religion for your problems. You have a fantasy, that once was allowed to become reality with a girlfriend and professor and now you would like to continue that reality. Well unfortunately your wife isn't comfortable with the idea. You can't change your wife, only she can change herself. Maybe with help the two of you can find something else or something on the edge that will satisfy the both of you. If you can't and you must satisfy something your wife can't handle, then you need to think about divorce.

Good luck.
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post #45 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Thanks for your enormous and thorough effort, and your profoundly meaningful analysis and advice.
It is late here in my place, so I will answer you tomorrow.
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