How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Your sex life has fallen apart because she won't do what you want her to do.

That is tremendous coercion.

If you were merely making a suggestion and applying no pressure at all, her answer would make no difference to your attitudes and actions towards her.
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post #47 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:24 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Porn causes many problems in excess and especially when it's obviously way over the top like in this case. Your wife is not a porn star and will never be. Your addiction is helping kill your marriage. Please seek help. Her religion has I would bet zero to do with her not wanting to be with you. Any faith I have ever belonged to does not condemn sex between spouses or anything they may choose to do within that marriage of that nature but only with one another. It's unlikely you'll ever get her to indulge your fantasy and likely if you did, you'd regret it pretty quickly. You need to do some searching within yourself and get your priorities straight before she wises up and leaves


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post #48 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Hi William and HappySnappy,

You are both right to put it like you did - I may not coerce intentionally, but her knowing what turns me on and her not being tuned to provide that must have put her at odds with our sexlife. At the same time, as years have moved on and we are now at the beginning of our fifties, I have gradually developed difficulty of the physical sort satisfying HER needs in bed too, conventional as those needs may be, but still they require me to perform in ways I have gradually grown out of or lost the virility for, and my physical lack of endowment now affects me harder than it already did in younger years. So, you may see things in a slightly less harsh way towards me when you become aware that there are two sides to the incompatibility and it's not only my demands on her but her demands on me that have been posing increasing problems. Her interest in sex with me has not declined because I put pressure on her to be different, but because my being different from what she wants in a man has made me seem less stimulating to her even more than she may be a "disappointment" for me.

OK, then. Responses here have shown me that, no matre what, it is up to me to make a cut now and either leave her or leave porn, either abandon sex with her or make a step towards her, either dwell on in my self-pity and addiction or take responsibility and change myself to save my marriage.

Thanks for your letters, therefore, you have done me good, all of you taken together.

Kind regards, Jean
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post #49 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by Cuckold1967 View Post
....in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners.
And exactly HOW was she supposed to indulge you in your cuckoldry fantasy if you claim you wanted to do it without any interaction from another person?

I find it hard to believe you didn't expect to add anyone else when you claim you tried to "win my wife to it" which I presume means you tried to get her to go for it.

While that may be YOUR fantasy, maybe it's not HERS to open herself up sexually to some random mouth breather so you can get your jollies from it.
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post #50 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:02 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

You need to determine what it most important to you. Is it kinky sex? Or, is it your wife? The two seem mutually exclusive here.

The longer you indulge your wants of a fantasy sex life in private (through porn), the longer your prolong your torment. Your wife will never go for it.

If she is truly important to you (as you say), drop the porn like the bad habit that it is. This vice is diverting your desires away from her and weakening your relationship.

It sounds like you can have a normal sex life with her if you ease up on all the kinkiness. Unless she has become a complete religious wacko and is abstaining completely, why not enjoy intimacy with her, as she feels comfortable with?

Woman you Love + Normal Sex Life > Kinky Sex with Other People (AND/OR) Kinky Porn
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post #51 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I personally think that your porn addiction is a problem. Your wife will NEVER be able to meet the unrealistic expectation of what porn is. Porn is fake - they get paid. It's damaging to a relationship. It sounds like it has already damaged your relationship since you say the porn turns you on, not your wife. Have you ever considered not watching porn and instead focusing on sex with your wife?
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post #52 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by Cuckold1967 View Post
Hi William and HappySnappy,

You are both right to put it like you did - I may not coerce intentionally, but her knowing what turns me on and her not being tuned to provide that must have put her at odds with our sexlife. At the same time, as years have moved on and we are now at the beginning of our fifties, I have gradually developed difficulty of the physical sort satisfying HER needs in bed too, conventional as those needs may be, but still they require me to perform in ways I have gradually grown out of or lost the virility for, and my physical lack of endowment now affects me harder than it already did in younger years. So, you may see things in a slightly less harsh way towards me when you become aware that there are two sides to the incompatibility and it's not only my demands on her but her demands on me that have been posing increasing problems. Her interest in sex with me has not declined because I put pressure on her to be different, but because my being different from what she wants in a man has made me seem less stimulating to her even more than she may be a "disappointment" for me.

OK, then. Responses here have shown me that, no matre what, it is up to me to make a cut now and either leave her or leave porn, either abandon sex with her or make a step towards her, either dwell on in my self-pity and addiction or take responsibility and change myself to save my marriage.

Thanks for your letters, therefore, you have done me good, all of you taken together.

Kind regards, Jean
Leave her or leave the porn? The answer seems simple to me. You say you love your wife and adore for for certain reasons. Drop the porn and focus on her. Focus on bettering your relationship. Have you gone to a therapist for porn addiction?
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post #53 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Originally Posted by _anonymous_ View Post
You need to determine what it most important to you. Is it kinky sex? Or, is it your wife? The two seem mutually exclusive here.

The longer you indulge your wants of a fantasy sex life in private (through porn), the longer your prolong your torment. Your wife will never go for it.

If she is truly important to you (as you say), drop the porn like the bad habit that it is. This vice is diverting your desires away from her and weakening your relationship.

It sounds like you can have a normal sex life with her if you ease up on all the kinkiness. Unless she has become a complete religious wacko and is abstaining completely, why not enjoy intimacy with her, as she feels comfortable with?

Woman you Love + Normal Sex Life > Kinky Sex with Other People (AND/OR) Kinky Porn
Thanks anonymous, what you advise is exactly my resolve; I just need to get that on the way and stick to it, hich has proven hard in recent years.
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post #54 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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Leave her or leave the porn? The answer seems simple to me. You say you love your wife and adore for for certain reasons. Drop the porn and focus on her. Focus on bettering your relationship. Have you gone to a therapist for porn addiction?
Indeed, right you are and so I will try.
As to the porn addiction I certainly have, I will try and overcome it on my own. I can't "hide" going to a therapist and I don't want to out myself to the health system either. Anyway: I can and have actually read up on how to overcome addiction in general and porn addiction in particular; I just haven't followed through with giving it a try yet.
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post #55 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I personally think that your porn addiction is a problem. Your wife will NEVER be able to meet the unrealistic expectation of what porn is. Porn is fake - they get paid. It's damaging to a relationship. It sounds like it has already damaged your relationship since you say the porn turns you on, not your wife. Have you ever considered not watching porn and instead focusing on sex with your wife?
Porn may be fake in that it is paid, but it also possible to LIKE what is being played there for money. And it is visible to me that quite a few actors and actresses actually enjoy (some of) the porn they perform. - And I must admit that porn turns me on more than my wife does, and I can enjoy it for hours and days before I "have to" cum, and then it's really something! Sex with my wife has almost always been short and monotonous, without anything playful and light about it.
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post #56 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I've got nothing against porn in general, but like alcohol it can be abused. OP - you are an addict. In the same way that its OK to have a glass of wine at dinner, but not OK to end up on the street with a bottle of thunderbird in a paper bag, its OK to watch some porn for fantasy / novelty, but its not OK when it interferes with your marriage.

I've got lots of kinky fantasies. I sometimes watch porn to indulge them, but I know its not real. I may ask my wife to try to indulge a fantasy, but I don't *expect* her to, and happily accept her letting me know that its not something she is in to doing

I do have a problem with my sex life at home, but its not a lack fantasy sex, but a lack of what most people would consider pretty standard sexual activities for loving couples.


If you did find someone to indulge your fantasy, you would likely go on to ever more extreme things. Thats how addiction works.
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post #57 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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I've got nothing against porn in general, but like alcohol it can be abused. OP - you are an addict. In the same way that its OK to have a glass of wine at dinner, but not OK to end up on the street with a bottle of thunderbird in a paper bag, its OK to watch some porn for fantasy / novelty, but its not OK when it interferes with your marriage.

I've got lots of kinky fantasies. I sometimes watch porn to indulge them, but I know its not real. I may ask my wife to try to indulge a fantasy, but I don't *expect* her to, and happily accept her letting me know that its not something she is in to doing

I do have a problem with my sex life at home, but its not a lack fantasy sex, but a lack of what most people would consider pretty standard sexual activities for loving couples.


If you did find someone to indulge your fantasy, you would likely go on to ever more extreme things. Thats how addiction works.
Hi uhtred, thanks for your comment, which I feel is right. I am an addict, and with or without a wife to indulge in my fantasies with me, I guess I will (or we would, if things were so) have to be very careful not to go to far with the fantasies and never be able to find back to normal sex - the only type of sex I can get "at home". Of course, compared to my increasingly "vried" fantasies, "home sex" appears decreasingly attractive. A vicious circle - the pun is intended!
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post #58 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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..... I guess I will (or we would, if things were so) have to be very careful not to go to far with the fantasies and never be able to find back to normal sex - the only type of sex I can get "at home". Of course, compared to my increasingly "vried" fantasies, "home sex" appears decreasingly attractive.....
May I suggest that you do some introspection on what sex should mean to you and what you view your fetishes providing to you.

Are your fetishes only for your gratification and not your wife's? Is that something that bodes well for a long term relationship?

One of the things that the Sex Therapist that saved my marriage had my wife and I do, was to visualize what marriage and our sex life would be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc.

You might want to assume that you will be married to your wife in 20- 50 years and ask yourself what will your marriage look like. Then think about your sex life. Then think about what you would really like WITH your wife that would make her happy and bring you pleasure and closer together.

Most men need intimacy (not raw sex) with emotional connection. Do you want to feel emotionally connected to your wife? If the two of you are bonded together and emotionally connected, how can you take little steps (right now) to move in that direction?

There is an interesting book written by women for women call Still Sexy after All These Years. It is based on interviews with women over the age of 50 who for one reason or an other (widow, medical condition, divorce, husband's medical condition, other) don't have a traditional sex partner and how these older women maintain their sense of sensuality and sexuality. Not for the feign of heart and at times depressing reading, but also inspirational.

So when you are 95 years old and living in a retirement assisted living facility with your wife, what do you want your sex life or intimacy with your wife to be like? Imagine that you move around your unit with the help of a walker as does your wife, that both of you have little flexibility and you have a medicine induced impotence. Is your image of intimacy realistic enough to survive that? What might be realistic considering any medical conditions that run in your or your wife's family? What can you start learning to enjoy now that will help hold the two of you together emotionally for the rest of your lives?

The time to start preparing for 80's and 90's is when you are much younger.

My suggestion it to really apologize to your wife, tell her you want to build and strengthen your marriage with her.

Good luck.
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post #59 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

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May I suggest that you do some introspection on what sex should mean to you and what you view your fetishes providing to you.

Are your fetishes only for your gratification and not your wife's? Is that something that bodes well for a long term relationship?

One of the things that the Sex Therapist that saved my marriage had my wife and I do, was to visualize what marriage and our sex life would be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc.

You might want to assume that you will be married to your wife in 20- 50 years and ask yourself what will your marriage look like. Then think about your sex life. Then think about what you would really like WITH your wife that would make her happy and bring you pleasure and closer together.

Most men need intimacy (not raw sex) with emotional connection. Do you want to feel emotionally connected to your wife? If the two of you are bonded together and emotionally connected, how can you take little steps (right now) to move in that direction?

There is an interesting book written by women for women call Still Sexy after All These Years. It is based on interviews with women over the age of 50 who for one reason or an other (widow, medical condition, divorce, husband's medical condition, other) don't have a traditional sex partner and how these older women maintain their sense of sensuality and sexuality. Not for the feign of heart and at times depressing reading, but also inspirational.

So when you are 95 years old and living in a retirement assisted living facility with your wife, what do you want your sex life or intimacy with your wife to be like? Imagine that you move around your unit with the help of a walker as does your wife, that both of you have little flexibility and you have a medicine induced impotence. Is your image of intimacy realistic enough to survive that? What might be realistic considering any medical conditions that run in your or your wife's family? What can you start learning to enjoy now that will help hold the two of you together emotionally for the rest of your lives?

The time to start preparing for 80's and 90's is when you are much younger.

My suggestion it to really apologize to your wife, tell her you want to build and strengthen your marriage with her.

Good luck.
THANKS, your letter and advice have been appreciated and noted in my private folder on my PC, as I do with all the useful advice that I have the chance to collect here - this being the first serious site I find, - everything else I did use was frequently mainly, as it turned out, by sex addicts like me! - I have copy-pasted all the meaningful contributions to my issue in a word doc.
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post #60 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Red face Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

DEAR ALL,

thanks for all your comments and advice, all of it has been appreciated!

You don't need to write any more as I will no longer check this post out but rather get started on improving myself and my marriage:
Reduce porn gradually to a minimum that does not qualify for addiction or excessive use any more (quantity to be determined).
(Yes, I now, ZERO from the start would be ideal, but I want to set targets I CAN realistically realize rather than fail quickly and relapse totally.)
Approach my wife sensitively for intimacy, cuddling and ... sex. And during sex: no talk of cockrings, vibrators, chastity cages,
let alone bring any of these toys to bed in the first place. Just the normal sex she cherishes and used to find sufficient.
Of course, I will have to shape up in relation to penetrative sex because I've lost stamina and sensitivity (the latter due to masturbation),
so I had erection problems already when we did have sex on occasions the past year (2016) - this year only once in January!

Voilà, I leave it to this and will return here say at the end of August to report back to those interested.

Thanks again and all the best to you, too.

Jean 1967
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