How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:40 AM Thread Starter
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How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Dear Readers,
my wife and I have been married for many years now. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, nothing out of the ordinary. But what troubles me most is that my sexual drive and sexual fantasies have never been reciprocated by my wife and, meanwhile, our sexlife has hit rock bottom. I wonder how to solve this issue as I do not want to leave her, not now, after all this time, and I still love her and adore her for many good reasons, including the fact that she has been able to put up with me for so long, despite all the disillusionment she has had to face in relation to me - still, even I could claim having suffered such disillusionement in relation to her: we were both too immature when we met, choosing an unsuitable partner as we did not know who we were ourselves.
So, as things stand, she has found religion and I have found porn, in particular cuckoldry has proved to be my pervasive fetish for decades now. I did try at several stages of our marriage to win my wife for it, but she has never made the slightest step in that direction, nor in the direction of any other sexual fantasy or practice I have come up with as being worth a try within the framework of sex involving no interaction with extra-marital partners. Hence, our sexlife has become monotonous, limited in its facets, and we have almost ceased to have any - the last few months have seen no sex at all. I wonder, therefore, what I should do, or say to her, in order to make things move forward again, but I find it hard to raise the drive to do so as the anticipation of the sex we might have then does not excite me much at all. It is my fantasies and my porn choices that excite me, not the sex with my wife. Is there a way out?
Thanks for your interest.
Please do advise me if you wish to do so and if you feel you may have a good idea.
Kind regards,
Cuckold1967

Last edited by Cuckold1967; 04-15-2017 at 12:43 AM. Reason: spelling mistakes
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post #2 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 01:30 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

If your wife has found religion then you are stuck
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post #3 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 04:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Thanks for your reply - although it is disheartening to me.
I feel stuck though, indeed, because religion is not part of my worldview and I feel turned off by her "spiritual disengagement" from our relationship.
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post #4 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

There is no solution to this, OP, other than to leave. I speak from experience.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #5 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

You can divorce or you can stay and be miserable.
Or perhaps you can learn not to be miserable despite the lack of reciprocation in your sex life. Some do. Many try and fail.
Your life. Your choice. Good luck.

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post #6 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I think there's hope despite her religious beliefs for fulling SOME fantasies. I think your big one out out of the picture though. That would usually wouldn't fly in many relationships despite religion. Maybe try to see a sex therapist who would help you guys by starting to up the frequency of sex and then start to explore some of your tamer fantasies first.

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post #7 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

So you want your wife to love you enough to sleep with other men? I don't mean to sound close-minded, but how can that even work? Would fulfilling your other fantasies be adequate?
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post #8 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

On the bright side, OP, you've already been cuckolded - by Jesus.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #9 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

What if your wife wanted to watch you with say a woman using a strap on because thats the only way she can really enjoy herself. Or maybe some beastailty ?
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post #10 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Op, how long have you and your wife been together/married?

Were your sex drives always mismatched? When did it start to hit a rut?

What is the disillusionment she has had to face in relation to you?

When did you 'find porn'? When did she find religion?

Besides cuckoldry, what other fantasies have you shared with her? What were her initial reactions?

Must she fulfill these fantasies in order for you to enjoy sex with her?

Does she have no sex drive or is she just averse to the type of sex you're interested in? How does your wife get her sexual needs met?

What is her opinion of your porn use?
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post #11 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I am not a religious person, but there is more hope in religion to improve one's character than with porn.

To get closer to your wife, I would strongly suggest you give up porn and become a principled man. Your wife will respect that.

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post #12 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I think there is a range in how many people share various sexual interests / kinks and you have to be aware of that when thinking about what you want in a sexual relationship.

Most people would consider intercourse, oral, using hands, kissing etc. to be reasonably expected in a passionate relationship.

Other things are less common, anal, bondage, role playing etc. Its OK to ask, but you can't expect your partner to want to engage in all of those, but many people will engage in some of them.

Then there are the more unusual interests, hard bdsm, multiple partners, and a bunch of other things I won't mention. Most people do not enjoy these things and won't do them. If you have a fetish for one of these and feel that you really need it to be happy, then you have to find a compatible partner, you can't expect someone to just decide to do these.
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post #13 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

I'm guessing the constant badgering from your spouse who gets turned on by wanting to see you have sex with other men might have caused her to lose her desire for him.

She most likely knows about the porn as well.

This has nought to do with religion. She just doesn't want to bang you.
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post #14 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: How to deal with sexual incompatibility in marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
On the bright side, OP, you've already been cuckolded - by Jesus.
This is NOT a well thought out post.

Jesus is in her life.
Jesus is in her heart.
Jesus is not in her pants.

Not good...this one.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #15 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 11:16 AM
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I have a question. These not to so normal fantasy/fetishes such as bondage and cuckold, how does one establish these? Is it through porn or does it just pop in the head all on its own? If you never watched porn or something to trigger would it st surface in your thoughts all by themselves?
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