.....Her response several times now is that she feels we are older and we need to have "normal Sex" now.
(1) You have a number of small children at home. Yes
(2) You feel that sex twice a month is not adequate for your needs. I think it's more about quality than quantity, good sex twice a month is better than her just bending over and telling me to hurry up four times a month.
(3) You feel that your wife's religious views are interfering with a healthy sex life. Somewhat kinda true but I'm not sure how to describe.
(4) You wife has some kind of view that the role of a wife is different than the role as a lover. That one is not really how I would state it. She is more of a leader than follower but only if I do or lead the way she thinks it should be.
(5) You have had some counseling that has turned you wife off to future counseling. True.
(6) you were raised mostly by a single mother and a grandmother. Yes
Ok let's try this again.
Small kids kill libido in most women. It also inhibits most women from doing acrobatic and loud "quality sexual things" with their husbands. So this might be a temporary thing while you have a small child. Any way that your child can have a sleep over party with a neighbor's child? Offering a neighbor a chance to drop their child off for an evening off is a great way to get something going in the neighborhood, where you and your wife might be able to have a night with no child. When they are older, a week at summer camp was wonderful or an overnight at the grandparents.
If you really want quality, talk to your wife about role playing and if she has any fantasies she might like to explore. Again, don't expect her to get dressed up as a Harem dancer if you child could come running through the door at any minute.
You wife's' religion might not be the issue, but her upbringing might be. A lot of girls are raised to be "good girls" and "Good girls would never do certain perverted things. My wife was raised Catholic. The nuns told her that anything (yes ANYTHING) that a husband and wife did after marriage was OK. My wife told me this many times as we were dating. She promised to do some kinky stuff after marriage. Her thought was that marriage would change her and she would grow in her ability to become more sexual.
Didn't happen, even the promised stuff. During therapy she confessed that she had thought she would be able to change herself, that she wanted to change herself, but she just could not. She also said that the nuns didn't know how perverted the things that husbands could ask of their wives when they said anything was OK. I attribute this to cultural upbringing rather than actual religious scripture. Even the Sex Therapist in working to help save our marriage could not convince my wife to try oral sex as it was just too revolting.
I really don't understand how she can be more of the leader if you are the leader in the right direction. That one is beyond me.
As I said earlier some women have their own self image of what is acceptable behavior of a wife, mother, grandmother. Sort of a reverse Madonna/Wh#re complex. That is probably something only your wife can change and all you can do is support positive change. Again, not sure what leading in the right direction might mean.
You really should try to figure out how to get the two of you into counseling. For me it was convincing my wife that I needed her help and support to change myself and my sincere believe that she was not broken or that I wanted the counselor to fix her so I didn't need to change.
Finally, you really need to get Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy and read it, study it and figure out the life lessons he is trying to give you.