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I need help with sustaining my marriage

9K views 77 replies 29 participants last post by  Anon Pink 
#1 ·
I sincerely apologize if this is the wrong area. I looked at the different areas and honestly just didn't know where I belonged. Sex and physical intimacy are our largest struggles so this area seemed the most fitting.

I'm 28 and my husband is 31. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. I feel like my husband is on the verge of walking away from me, our marriage and our life together. It is something that I desperately want to avoid. I don't want to lose my husband...

Our biggest problem is our sex life. One year into our relationship I had a trauma (physical, sexual) that wreak havoc on our relationship. It turned our relationship upside down and everything that we once knew was blown to smithereens. My husband is a good man, he always has been and I don't want my words to be twisted and make him out to be the bad guy. The only bad guy in our situation is not being written about. We were in our early 20's and only a year into a relationship, he could have chosen to walk away. In hindsight, I know he wishes he had. He didn't. He stayed by my side and always has. We both thought, that with enough time and enough work things could get back to how they previously were. Neither of us, especially my husband, thought we would be here.

My husband and I have very little physical intimacy because I cannot handle it. There are so many parts of my body that he cannot touch at all. There are parts of my body that he doesn't want to touch, or look at. Any sexual intimacy is forced by myself. I have to force myself to do certain things, for my husband/my marriage, and it always ends poorly. Intercourse is almost impossible because I tense up so badly. I try and do other things for him until I get to the point that I physically cannot continue.

My husband has always been there for me. 4 months ago, when we hit an all time low, I told my husband that we could open the marriage if he wanted. We have a set of rules that has to be followed, I have to trust him to follow them. It has been excruciatingly hard for me, but I need to do it for my husband and my marriage. We don't talk about when/if he utilizes that privilege, I don't want to know. Even though he hasn't said anything I know he has opened that door, that I allowed him to open. Sometimes he will come home late and shower immediately. He has pulled back from me and it feels like there is a wall being built between us.

I know that I'm not who he wanted to marry. I want to make it up to him and sustain our marriage. Two days ago we got into a fight and he almost laid a hand on me. He didn't, he was very close but held himself back. He made a fist and wound his arm back, stopped himself, then almost pushed me, then stopped himself again and left the house for the rest of the night. He apologized, profusely. I'm 5'2 and 105lb, my husband is 6'2 and 220lb. If he wanted to hurt me he could. He wouldn't, unless I drive him to it. I have told my husband to force the physical intimacy but that has done nothing but harm.

Our marriage is crumbling and I don't know how to save it... Any help would be appreciated... If I could pick up a magic eraser and erase physical and sexual intimacy from our marriage it would be picture perfect. Alas, such magic eraser has yet to exist... I apologize if this in incoherent... I am quite upset typing this. My husband is sitting right next to me but it feels like we are a million miles apart as brick by brick, the indestructible wall slowly builds.
 
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#29 ·
Picpea--while I agree with everyone's assertion that you need to keep pursuing professional help for yourself, I think your husband needs to be in individual counseling as well. He needs to be in a place mentally where seeing evidence of your trauma doesn't trigger HIM. And the fact that he raised his hand to you....be careful. Even more reason he needs to be in I.C.

With regards to your scar removal treatments--you mentioned that some have been unsuccessful. Let me preface this by saying--do this only for yourself, or not at all. Do not do it for your husband--he needs to get over his own issues. I've seen amazing results where people have had some beautiful tattoos done to cover all sorts of scars.
 
#30 ·
Fozzy: I wish my husband would go to therapy and stick with it. He has gone in the past, alone and together. In the beginning of our journey he went a lot but it has slowly decreased over time. Now he rarely goes, alone or with me. He thinks it is a waste of time and isn't getting us anywhere. He has also expressed that he thinks therapists are just holding us back so we keep going back and putting money in their pockets.

Intimacy is made harder because my body triggers him. I had scar removal done on certain parts, like my wrists because they made it painful and difficult to move my wrists and because they bothered me, and my husband. I hated seeing them and always kept my wrists covered, if other people saw them they stared. It's obvious what kind of scars they are, or were - less obvious now. At least it was obvious to me, it may not have been to other people. I had a kid ask me if I had my hands cut off and reattached... I had scar removal done on my arm but it didn't work and now I keep that one covered all the time because it's a massive trigger for my husband. I keep a large bandaid over it all the time and it has basically become part of me now, only coming off to be replaced by another every few days. The odd time I have forgot to replace it or my husband has walked in while I was doing it he tells me to cover it up and gets upset or mad (not at me). Sometimes just accidentally touching the bandaid can bother him. That scar at least could be covered decently well with a tattoo, probably. I know I would have a hard time with the pain of a tattoo.

He avoids my back like the plague. I haven't had any scar removal there, mostly because it is a huge trigger point for me and having pain there is hard for me to deal with. The scars are uncomfortable, it makes rotating my body and bending over uncomfortable and insanely itchy, but not enough for me to try and fix it. I don't scar well and have elevated scars. I keep my whole back covered all the time unless I am home alone. There has been times when my husband came home early and I would run upstairs before he came in to change my shirt or put on a sweater. He doesn't want to see it... Because they are elevated he won't/can't even touch my back over clothing. The scars take up the width of my back... so they aren't easy to avoid. I'm not about to go out in public showing my back, but it would be nice if I could at least feel comfortable at home... I think those scars bother me the least because I can't really see them...

seek&find: I don't think it's fair to say that people shouldn't be married... Do you think all sexual assault victims should just bury themselves into a hole? I know that my husband would be happier without me. Maybe I'm selfish for being with him... Just because I experienced a trauma does not mean I'm not allowed to love someone... I'm not trying to ruin his life or his happiness... I gave him the okay to sleep with other women if he wanted to... that wasn't for me... I love my husband. I don't want to hurt him or lose him... Trust me, I feel bad all the time.

WilliamM: You are right that I do need to keep trying different methods and options until I find something that works for me. Some things that worked in the past don't work anymore and I have to find something else.

farsidejunky: Doing things that trigger me is something that I have difficulty with. In the past I did a lot of exposure therapy, if I remember correctly I did 3 different variations that are classed as exposure therapy. It definitely helped with some triggers. There use to be certain sounds that triggered me, now I can hear them and I immediately notice them but I can continue on with what I'm doing. There are certain people who trigger me based on their physical appearance and that one is kind of iffy. Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not. I use to go insane if there was silence, listening to every tiny sound trying to figure out what it is, I can handle that now. The "bigger" things have been a lot harder and I quit when I wasn't seeing progress. I try and push myself through some situations, and I usually feel better after it's over than if I quit and walk away. I probably need to try it again or something similar. Something that I hate thinking about is that in 20, 30, 70 years this is still going to be something that bothers me at least from time to time.

WilliamM": I'm glad that woman is doing better now. I wish I could enjoy sex again, that seems so far out of reach... Some aspects of it are impossible to enjoy again. I just want to be close to my husband and have that bond and experiences with him again.

I suck at trying to own it. It is always going to be a part of me, but I want it to just go away. Afterwards I had a pretty bad head injury and I was told that I might not be able to remember all or parts of it, I wish that would have been true. I had a surgery and when I woke up the first thing I thought was I still remember. You are right that I need to own it. I don't really blame myself anymore, but I am always trying to run away from it.
 
#32 ·
seek&find: I don't think it's fair to say that people shouldn't be married... Do you think all sexual assault victims should just bury themselves into a hole? I know that my husband would be happier without me. Maybe I'm selfish for being with him... Just because I experienced a trauma does not mean I'm not allowed to love someone... I'm not trying to ruin his life or his happiness... I gave him the okay to sleep with other women if he wanted to... that wasn't for me... I love my husband. I don't want to hurt him or lose him... Trust me, I feel bad all the time.
No, I do not think that all rape victims are broken or should be avoided. Reading between the lines this isn't a case of a woman being questionably raped while drunk or by her husband or partner. There appears to be A LOT more going on and yes, some people are too broke to have functional relationships. From what you have posted I think you and your husband are bringing each other down. He is holding you back, putting too much pressure on you and making you feel worse about yourself through his own issues. You are bringing him down with you and forcing him to be in a place and mindset that he doesn't need to be in. Misery loves company, but it doesn't need it. What do you get from this marriage, anyway?
 
#33 ·
I never even really knew what I meant by own it, when I told her that. She had wanted to forget, but she couldn't. We talked a few times a week for two years before I came up with that idea. I sat with her and had her describe it to me. We cried. I held her. Her trauma wasn't as bad, but it's not wise to quantify. She was beaten, threatened, it was a relative, and it was ongoing for months. She never told anyone because of the threats. A 13 year old couldn't know he wouldn't be able to carry out his threats.

Traumas are horrible. Yours was horrible. My heart bleeds for you. But your husband can hold you. Some traumas aren't survived, and the loved ones can only mourn. For a while that may seem a better resolution, but it isn't. Not really.

Many people are damaged in some way. It may be little, or larger. One thing that is important is for your husband to accept the scars. My wife has scars, from surgeries when she had Tuberculosis. It is not considered a trauma because no one did it to her, it just happened. But I trace her scars with my fingers and tell her she is so cute I am amazed by her. She tells stories about how people tried to cut her head off. My wife also has a scoliosis. She used to wear a bikini in her youth anyway. I was proud of her, even when people could see the curve in her spine. It's important for the ones who love you to accept you the way you are. I knew a girl in class in university, who had back surgery at some point. She had a friend draw laces on her scar and wore backless dresses every day, so it looked like she had a lace up back. We all deal differently, but hiding never seemed to work.

I don't have any idea how someone can come to accept such a trauma. But I also don't know how we can come to accept deaths. Surely accepting you in your beauty and scars, spirit and fears, is better than not having you to hold.

Please be well
 
#36 ·
farsidejunky: I'm not religious or spiritual in the slightest, it's kind of hard to be now.

seek&find: Everything anyone else gets from a marriage, other than an orgasm...

WilliamM: I wish my husband would be like that. Sometimes I wish I had died instead. It feels like it would have been easier for everyone. My husband has the option to hold me, but he doesn't really want to. I have some scars from unrelated medical procedures that my husband has never batted an eyelash at. But the ones that I really need him not to mind are the ones that he doesn't want to see or touch. He doesn't want to work on it, and I don't think I'm worth it to him.

I wish I had the courage to go out without covering my scars. I wouldn't be able to deal with people asking what they are or making assumptions. Maybe if they didn't have such a humiliating cause.

Fozzy: I wish I could relax with my husband, and not constantly be worried about how my body is positioned, what part he can see or what he might accidentally touch. Your comment is right though... He isn't helping. He doesn't seem interested in trying to fix it, so my posting all of this may have been a waste... He won't talk to me about it and gets more distant by the day. He hasn't even bothered to come home yet tonight (midnight).
 
#38 ·
If there was some type of higher power or reason for this life things like this wouldn't happen. There is no need for them to happen. It wasn't meant to be or for the greater good of anything. I was raised in a two religion household, I can appreciate religion but I don't believe in it.
 
#41 ·
Amen to that sister!

Many survivors do not believe, and cannot even imagine believing. Life has taught them there is no such thing as a benevolent omniscient, because if there was, he absolutely sucks at his life's calling!
 
#39 ·
I'm sorry you interpret things that way.

In fairness, I have never faced anything as traumatic as you.

I think the thing that made me pursue this line of questioning with you that you sound devoid of hope. My relationship with God is one of the few things that provides me hope when times are tough.

Take care, Picpea.
 
#40 · (Edited)
@picpea

Dear lord I am so very sorry for all the hardship you are facing. The trauma must have been horrendous!

I've had to re teach my body and override emotional reactions in order to enjoy sex. I was sexually abused as a child. While my issues seem a cake walk to yours, maybe there are some similarities that might help you in your sitch.

But first, can you tell me why you want to have sex anyway? If you could design your perfect future being guaranteed that both you and your husband found happiness and contentment, would it include sex? Do you want sex for you or do you want sex for your H? You really need to think about your answer.

Those are the questions I asked myself. Did I want sex for me or did I want sex so that my husband would be happy with me? I decided I wanted sex because I wanted to be normal. I wanted to stop pretending I was normal and actually BE normal. (This was long before I discovered no one is normal when it comes to sex...because there is no normal!)

Your husband sounds like a decent guy who is consumed with guilt. "Shoulda been there and protected, shoulda ...coulda....woulda.... wouldn't have happened." I don't know too many men who would have walked away from a woman they loved after she suffered such a horrific trauma. I bet your husband is horribly conflicted at this point. How could anyone have walked away from someone they loved as you suggest he should have? Could you have done that? Could you have walked away knowing the suffering and pain of the trauma would be compounded by abandonment? It's probably insulting to him to suggest such a thing. But now 6 years later he is still fighting the battle he missed out on and instead he hates himself a little more each day because he can't make you feel happy and whole and he blames himself.

What he needs to understand is that it is not in his power to do that. He cannot make you healthy, happy and whole. Only you can do that.


My first suggestion is to stop worrying about your husband and what he wants or doesn't want or how he feels or what you think he thinks. It doesn't matter. None of that matters because ...you can only control you. I know you've heard that a thousand times but it doesn't seem to have sunk in, maybe that's part of your anxiety. Stop worrying about your husband!

You're pushing your idea, your mental picture, of what a marriage is supposed to be and what a husband is supposed to want/like and what a wife is supposed to want/like and it doesn't sound like your husband is on the same page.



I know that he has trouble looking at or touching certain places on my body...
Why is that? If he hasn't run his hands and mouth over every damn scar you have, acknowledging them, touching them, loving them because they are a part of you that you both need to come to terms with, then he is every bit as traumatized and averse as you are. And if what you say is true, that he doesn't go there because it bothers him, as opposed to him not going there because he knows it bothers you, than it is doubly important that you stop putting him into the process of healing. Because you can't heal him and he can't heal you.
 
#42 ·
picpea said:
I wish my husband would be like that. Sometimes I wish I had died instead. It feels like it would have been easier for everyone. My husband has the option to hold me, but he doesn't really want to. I have some scars from unrelated medical procedures that my husband has never batted an eyelash at. But the ones that I really need him not to mind are the ones that he doesn't want to see or touch. He doesn't want to work on it, and I don't think I'm worth it to him.
I missed this last night.

This is a problem. A big one. A bad one.

Is this true? Accurate? Has he admitted this to you or is this your interpretation of his behavior?

If you contemplate that your surviving the attack was a mistake, and you believe your husband doesn't want to hold you and can't bring himself to look upon your scars this is what is holding you back.

How can you get to a healthy place, sexually, if you are convinced it is hopeless to try?

Most survivors have deep shame, that seems insurmountable, that prevents them from wanting to share their body during sex. That shame creates a divide emotionally. We go through the motions because that's what we're supposed to do, but not because that's what we want to do. In a sense, each time we have sex we are retraumatizing ourselves because we are forcing a sexual act. Creating an even deeper disconnect between sexual behavior and sexual feelings. In your case it's even more pronounced because you also have emotional triggers that cause you to tense up and any sexual arousal that is supposed to accompany the sexual behavior is completely gone.

You need to stop having sex with your husband until he is okay with your scars. Whether that means you see his behavior as a response to you ("I know she hates this part of her body so I won't even go there because I don't want her to be uncomfortable") or he gets his head out of his ass and comes to terms with the scars that mark you as a survivor. I have a hard time believing he can't tolerate holding you because of your scars. That would mean your husband is a shallow SOB and if that is true you are wasting your time in this marriage.
 
#43 ·
This has been one of the hardest threads for me to read on TAM!

PicPea, You have given us enough of a picture to understand that the trauma you went through was horrific. i am so so sorry that there are people in this world that would do such egregious atrocities and I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through and for what you are going through now with your husband.

I am going to carry on with what Anon Pink posted concerning your husband's battle. While you went through something no-one should ever have to go through - your husband also went through his own horrible trauma. You have physical and emotional scars left from it; he has emotional ones. I am sure he felt intensely guilty for not being there when you needed him most. I am also sure that he felt intense anger towards the men who caused this trauma and I wonder if has ever really processed or dealt with that anger fully with a therapist. You both were very young and I suspect that when he went ahead with the marriage - he did so very naively, probably with the unrealistic expectation that his love could make it all better for you, that by being your Knight in Shining Armour after the trauma he could be with you and help you heal completely. I suspect he unrealistically expected that your love for each other would help both of you return to the normal you knew before the trauma occurred. And now he is facing the fact that his expectations are not the reality.

Over the years no matter how hard he tried, nor what he did or didn't do, his unrealistic expectations of helping you heal has not played out - and I think this has just reinforced his already existing feeling of being a total failure as a man, as your Knight, and especially as your protector. Anon Pink said it well "now 6 years later he is still fighting the battle he missed out on and instead he hates himself a little more each day because he can't make you feel happy and whole and he blames himself"

His wounds are not healing and what's even worse - they are now getting severely infected!! And this infection is destroying him and he doesn't have a clue what to do anymore to help you or himself. I suspect he feels terrible about himself and may even feel somewhat trapped in a situation that he is now realizing he is not equipped to handle well. He may feel that leaving you just proves how big of a failure he really is and he may be afraid of what will happen to you if he leaves you. i think he loves you and wants you to heal. I think he wants your marriage to work - and he is becoming increasingly more frustrated and angry that HE can't help you!

Being around you, seeing your scars, going to other woman to have sex - all of these are reinforcements of his failures in his eyes and are probably very very painful reminders for him. They are reminders that he can't make it all better for you - he can't take away your pain - and he can't take away what happened to you. Because he is probably dealing with his own painful emotions, I suspect his self preservation urges right now are probably screaming at him to run - especially after he almost lost his temper with you! I think that incident probably scared and confused him as much as it scared you! Perhaps he is staying away because he is starting to recognize that you are both hurting each other more, rather than helping each other.

PicPea - your husband was/is severely traumatized too - not in the same way, but his pain and torment are just as real! You both have terrible infected wounds from the horrific trauma and the aftermath of dealing with it. You both have a lot of work to do to work on healing your infected wounds. However, Anon Pink is absolutely right "you can't heal him and he can't heal you". I am going to take that a step further in saying that I think you both may be actually interfering with each others healing process at this point because you are focusing your energy on each other and trying to make this marriage work instead of the important first steps of healing your own individual wounds! And actually, what you are doing is creating even more wounds for each other to deal with. You are not doing it intentionally, but that is what is happening. You can't create a healthy happy marriage until you BOTH are individually healthy enough to be able to work together on creating it. NEITHER of you are at that point right now!

Perhaps its time for both of you to step back from the marriage for a period of time. Perhaps you should both take a break from each other. I am not suggesting a divorce - perhaps a legal separation for now, while you both focus on your own individual healing with some really good therapists who specialize in your specific kind of trauma. Perhaps when you both are making enough progress with your own healing, you can re-evaluate the marriage and decide where to go from there.

You absolutely deserve to love and be loved, to be in a happy and healthy marriage and so does your husband. I hope you both can find that together, but if you can't, I hope you are both strong enough to let go so you both can build a happy life with someone else. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think it may be what you need to hear right now, for both your sake and for your husband's sake.

Again, I truly am sorry for what you have had to deal with and for what you are now dealing with. I hope you will find a way to heal enough to have a very happy life full of joy and love and perhaps even someday find a way to turn your traumatic event into something positive in some way!
 
#44 ·
After reading the rest of your post...I have to agree with other posters, you and your H cannot heal each other. You have to focus to yourself. Your H is so tormented by this that you cannot help him. He is changing and after 6 years it might be coming to the end for him. Heal yourself. Learn to love yourself again. Let him go. Let this marriage go before you destroy yourself.

At times you have to understand that just because you love someone, does not mean that they are good for you. Just because you want to stay married does not mean it good for you.

I understand shame and feeling dirty. I still wear them from time to time. But blame, it was never on me. I refuse to take blame even if it tries to peep at me and crawl my way. Stop blaming your self. You lived and survived. Learn to live again by letting this go. It weighing you down and preventing you from moving forward. Remember you need to put on your oxygen mask first.

I wish you peace and happiness. Love for yourself is in you waiting to blossom.
 
#45 ·
There are two things to face. The physical and the emotional.

As you alluded to, the physical may actually be easy, easier, to face, comparatively. If you had been hurt in a fire or an automobile accident you and your husband might think nothing of the scars.

As for the scarring on your genitals, have you investigated Female Genital Mutilation (or Circumcision) which has no standards of procedure. It is a horrible practice which should stop. People should not compare it to male circumcision. Especially since the practice of it is so horribly done, with no standards and by amateurs who mutilate girls in no standard way at all. It can't make you better, but know that many of these girls grow up to lead happy lives. I have supported groups trying to fight this practice, and have read reports about it.

I think it would help you to know something about it. Not sure why, just a thought.

My wife just had a hysterectomy. Someone even suggested she is less of a woman because she lost her womb. She is 61 years old, and it certainly can't be used to bear a child, but some people have that view anyway. My wife is certain it doesn't matter, but she is especially certain it does not matter at all because she knows, without doubt, it does not matter to me and I will not treat her different at all.

How your husband treats you is vital. He needs to treat your scars the same as if they were from a hunting accident. I have no idea how to get to that point.

I make a lousy counselor. I get too involved with people.

An aside about counselors. When I was in university one of my classes I recall made mention of the fact the people who could become counselors needed to be able to not care too much about their patients. Those who did care too much would burn out quick and fail. So, many counselors are cold-hearted people. Keep trying to find the right one.
 
#46 ·
What a horrible, heartbreaking story. My heart bleeds for you. I wish there was something profound and earth-moving that would make all the difference and would help.

I will echo what the others have said and do not give up on therapy and counseling and such.

Please understand that neither I nor any of the other posters are counselors or therapists or any other kind of professional. We are just regular people that offer our thoughts and perspectives to others over the anonymous medium of the internet.

Some of us have been around the block a few times and have seen many things over the years. I am 53 years old and have worked in a professional where I encounter various assault victims (again, I am not any kind of therapist or counselor)

Please bear with me here for what I am about to say is something that I have witnessed over the years, but it is likely not what you are going to want to hear.

Many marriages and relationships crumble following a sexual assault (or other major trauma for that matter). Both you and he are different people now than you were the day before the attack. Following the attack, you changed drastically. He changed drastically. Both of your worlds were shaken to their foundations.

God bless you for surviving and getting through it and coming out the other side. God bless him for being there for you and standing beside you and working with you all these years. You both are amazing people deserving of credit and praise.

But here we are none the less........

Where I am going with this is you have both been profoundly changed by this event. The dynamics of what your relationship was at the start of your engagement has been dramatically changed and upended. You're both different people now and that change in your relationship dynamics is not working for either one of you. Your current state of the relationship sounds toxic and heartbreaking for both of you.

I understand you wanting to save and salvage your marriage, but it may not be in either one of your best interests. You are both suffering and it doesn't sound like it's gotten any better over the years and if it is coming close to violence, I'd say it's getting worse.

You may both be better off dissolving this amicably and with professional guidance to help you both dissolve the marriage with as much mutual compassion and respect and with as little bad blood and hard feelings as possible.

That is the bad news.

Please please please read my next post for the possible silver lining in all of this -
 
#47 ·
As bad as my first post sounds, there is hope here.

Remember I said that the people you both were and the relationship you had prior to the attack were profoundly changed forever.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that you have been left incapable of having a good, warm, close, intimate and even sexual relationship with someone else in the future.

Remember you had a preexisting relationship with him that was profoundly changed.

That doesn't mean that you are tainted or that you are forever incapable of an intimate and sexual relationship with someone else going into the future.

If you and he were to divorce, the next person you meet will be meeting you as you are today and you will be meeting the person that the new guy is today. It would be hitting the "reset" button and would be a fresh start. You would both be starting fresh and both starting from Square One and not having the rug pulled out from under you by a profoundly life-changing event.

To put it bluntly, you wouldn't be having the baggage and disruption of that event changing everything.

You may not necessarily have the same sexual hangups and inhibitions and such with someone else that you do with your current H.

And a different person may not necessarily have the frustrations and exasperations that your current H does.

I know if may seem counterintuitive and you may feel like you will always feel the way you do now and will always have the same issues and such, but I guarantee you, any time you're with someone new, you hit the 'reset' button and many of your pasts sexual nuances are in fact different.

It's heartbreakingly unfair and too bad that it is like this, but it is a realty.

As I said in my first post above, many marriages and relationships fail following a sexual assault. .....but that doesn't mean that subsequent marriages and relationships are necessarily doomed to fail as well. Sometimes the next relationship starts with a clean slate and goes fine.

Now it will always be incumbent on you to continue with your therapies and treatments of course and yes you will still carry your physical and emotional scars. But here's the thing - WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SCARS. None of us get through life completely unscathed. Some just get more and some get less, but we all have scars and baggage.

You and your current H are floundering at handling the physical and emotional scars and baggage that were placed upon you during your relationship.

There is a chance that when you meet someone new while already carrying your baggage, it may not have such a big and negative impact as when it fell onto you in the middle of your current relationship.

Again, I'm not a professional and I am certainly not a fortune teller or clairvoyant that can read the future. But I have seen exactly this happen time and time again where a terrible trauma cripples the current relationship - but the next one does fine.

Neither you nor your H are lost causes by any means here. You just may not be right for each other following this terrible trauma any more.
 
#49 ·
Usually I just lurk here, however your thread made me want to create an account. I have gone back and forth about posting this for a couple days.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what your trauma entailed by reading between the lines. Years ago, there was a string of women being forced into human trafficking (many still are, hundreds in the last few years). I remember it because the method of obtaining the women was different than a classic player-pimp. These women were stalked, attacked in their home while alone, raped, deemed “worthy” to be sold, taken to a house or hotel and beat with heated up metal, whipped, chocked and forced to perform, then branded (burned with hot metal or cut with knifes or razor blades) with a number or pimps ID. Then locked in a room day in and day out and forced to have sex with dozens of men who came in, not being allowed to eat until they had serviced enough men. After that some where sold off and some were so broken they remained prostitutes under the pimp that abducted them in the first place. Some didn’t make “the cut” and suffered genital mutilation, threats on them and their family, and released, other’s ran away or were found.

Related or not, reading your thread and the small details that are sort of hidden throughout reminded my of this, and I haven’t thought about it in years.

I say this because years ago, a young woman came to my university and gave a presentation. She was one of the women who was involved in this and wanted to share her story, to save other women, spread the word and help people understand the reality of it. If I can find a video of it I will link in, in case you would like to see it. It may be too difficult and very trigger heavy. I remember no phones or cameras were allowed, so I may not be able to find it.

The point I was trying to make is, this woman turned her nightmare into something that she could use to help other people. She could talk to other women who were going through the same thing. She could help people understand the reality of “modern day slavery” and that it IS going on here. She helped people learn how to help friends and family who were suffering. Not only did this help other people, but being an advocate also helped her. Maybe, it is something that you would benefit from.

One thing that she said stood out to me and your words let my mind recall it. The woman revealed some of her scars, what I remember is her back that was covered in thin, long scars that were caused by heated up wire, and initials that had been branded with a cattle brander into her arm or shoulder. She said (may be a little bit off):

“These scars are a story of where I have been, not where I am nor who I am, but where I am going and what I have overcome. They are a story of my courage and my strength to fight back and regain control of my life. Strength, courage and life are never something to be ashamed of. The longer I hid the more power my abusers had. Silence gives them strength. Silence feeds them. Do not be silent. Do not hide. Be proud that you beat them. YOU won.”

The presentation was not mandatory, but so many people wanted to see it that the theatre that held 1,200 people was full and people were standing at the back of the room and sitting on the stairs and floor. I have never been in a room with 1,200+ people that was so silent. You could have heard a paperclip drop. After the presentation was done the silence remained and the halls felt differently that day. The impact was immense. Of the hundreds of lectures and presentations I watched, that one stands out the most.
 
#50 ·
Also, if some form of genital mutilation was done to you (I cannot quite tell from your posts but pretty sure) there may now be reconstructive options that were not previously available. If I recall correctly you said they could not fix the function, which may be true, but go for second, third, tenth opinions IF you want to. Reconstructive genital surgery, especially for women, has come a LONG way recently. Let’s just say, I have a friend who was assigned male at birth but identified female. She had “bottom surgery” last year and starting from scratch doctors made a perfect specimen that is indistinguishable from any other woman. For the record, she does have feeling throughout every part. If you have not discussed it with a doctor in recent years and if you WANT to, it may be worth it to you. Again, only if that is something that you want to do. You are beautiful regardless.
 
#51 ·
@Anon Pink
I don't like to say that my trauma was worse than someone else's, they are all bad. Sometimes I find myself sinking into a pity party when I let myself think that my experience was worse than other people who try to help me. I get into a no one understands, no one has been there, no one can help mindset. It also makes me feel like I'm downplaying other people's experiences and interpretations.

I want to have sex for me, for us. I enjoyed sex once upon a time. I guess I could call it a benefit that I did have sex before and did enjoy it. I can barely remember it, but I know I enjoyed it and I know it can be fun and connecting. I want to feel like a woman again. I want to connect with my husband. If my husband would be fully content either way, I would still want it.

I don't get turned on and feel like I need him right then and there. It physically hurts to get the physical feelings associated with being turned on so my body doesn't go there or all bets are off. I want him because I want to be close to him and no amount of cuddling or kissing satisfies that need. There is no pleasure from it so it isn't a physical pleasure seeking thing anymore, more emotional...

My husband... he is a good man. He is very sensitive. There was a period after my trauma that all I felt was pain and fear. I didn't cry, unless it was from pain. I didn't get upset, I didn't laugh or smile. I didn't talk. I was essentially emotionless. I didn't feel human. My husband was an emotional wreck during that time, which was to be expected. I don't know where I was going with that, I guess that sometimes my husband has seemed to be more affected than me. I love my husband, and he has done his best to support me. He doesn't know every detail (not that he needs to) because he couldn't handle it (he made that decision not me). When I had to testify in court he left the room part way through.

His biggest problem is "mind movies". From what he does know he replays it over and over in his head and his imagination gets the best of filling in the blanks. Unfortunately the reality isn't any better. He does NOT look at my body or touch my body and think it is disgusting. What he DOES do is look at a scar or touch a scar and think about what happened to cause that. And can't get that out of his mind. Hearing the words "when I touch you there I imagine you being ______" was not easy to hear.

My husband had a great life before this. He was raised by amazing parents, no one in his family had problems or even divorced, no one had kids out of wedlock, drank, did drugs, no one was hurt, he had never known anyone who had been assaulted. If you would ask him what his worst experience was he wouldn't know what to say (I had asked him). So when my assault happened he was experiencing something he had never come close to experiencing. He didn't and doesn't know how to handle it. He went to therapy with me and alone in the beginning but doesn't go now.

It has resulted in him avoiding parts of my body and me making sure he avoids those parts of my body. I feel more comfortable showing those areas to my doctors than my husband. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top or similar that shows some back, but if I were like that at home and my husband comes home, I cover up immediately. I don't want to upset him.

Control is really hard for me. Not being able to control what goes on in his head, or how he reacts or feels. I have a hard time being in situations that I can't control or predict.

I was upset last night when I was writing so some of my words might have come out the wrong way.

"Sometimes I wish I had died instead. It feels like it would have been easier for everyone." - That is still pretty correct. That desire isn't high enough that I'm not longer walking the planet. There has been a lot (maybe once a month nowadays) of contemplation but no attempts. I say "wish" because I never wanted to live. When I was taken to the hospital it was by ambulance and I remember thinking that I hoped I'd die. I had a surgery and afterwards was in and out of sleep for a few days, every time I work up I wondered why because I did not want to be alive. I remember a doctor saying something about me and that I was fighting to be alive, all I could think was... no, no I'm not.

"My husband has the option to hold me, but he doesn't really want to." - That was written incorrectly. He does want to, he's a very cuddly, physical guy (or was). The way we can cuddle or be close feels limited because I feel the need to keep certain body parts away from him. Lately he has been very distant. Sleeping on the couch, not wanting to touch me at all, not wanting to spend time together, not coming home until very late. So lately he "has the option to hold me, but he doesn't really want to".

"He doesn't want to work on it, and I don't think I'm worth it to him." - I mean, he stopped going to therapy alone and as a couple. He doesn't want to work on it anymore, at least with doctors and therapists. He has essentially given up and in his own words said it wasn't going to get any better. If I wasn't worth it he wouldn't have stuck around this long, that was emotions talking. Worth has nothing to do with it, he just seems to have given up.

I'm sorry, that was way longer than I intended it to be.
 
#54 ·
It has resulted in him avoiding parts of my body and me making sure he avoids those parts of my body. I feel more comfortable showing those areas to my doctors than my husband. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top or similar that shows some back, but if I were like that at home and my husband comes home, I cover up immediately. I don't want to upset him.
I think you sound really defeated from what I've read so far. I feel that way sometimes when my depression gets into full gear. It can be difficult to snap out of. But you need to mentally tell the world to 'feck off, this is my body now, either deal with it or piss off.' And that goes for your husband. We don't get stronger by hiding our demons. We need slap them around a bit. So go outside, wearing whatever you want and wear the same around your husband. Hiding yourself from him and others is just giving power to your scars and your negative body image.
 
#53 ·
@mary35

What you wrote felt very familiar. It hurt, to read, but it wasn't surprising to read I suppose.

I know that my husband suffered and is suffering as well. I don't ever want to downplay how he feels so if I have, I haven't meant to. I feel terrible that he hurts "because of me" so I can sort of understand how he feels.

I didn't remember it until you mentioned it but in the first year after my assault my husband did say things like he could make it better, love conquers all and that he wanted to "fix" me. He had never gone through anything even remotely bad in his life, he didn't know that he couldn't fix this. So you are probably right that now he is realizing he can't fix it and is lost and overwhelmed. He still holds a lot of anger towards the men who did it. He has always had more anger towards them than me, I think.

I don't want to feel like I'm causing my husband pain. I have always felt that if he had walked away, yes he would still hurt but not this much. He wouldn't have the reminders, he could have moved on at least to some degree. He could have found someone else by now, had the life he wanted. Which kills me to think about.

I feel like, if I give up my husband then I have nothing left. They won, they got everything. Everything in my life changed, he has been my only constant and I hold onto him for dear life.

He is a good man and I feel like I am destroying him. I feel like I shouldn't have had him in the first place and now I've ruined his life. I know it's not my fault, but I still go there. Turning him into a man who "cheats" or almost hits a woman, those are the type of people he has gotten into physical fights with for disrespecting women. Now he (probably) feels like he is one of them. Some of that is on me, like giving him a free pass for outside sex. Which I honestly thought would or could help us. I never in a million years actually wanted that.

He has said, words from his own mouth, that he would feel worse leaving me because of the type of person that would make him and because it wouldn't be fair to me that he could move on and I couldn't. He goes on a PTSD forum sometimes, I'm not sure if he still does but he did a lot years ago. He read a lot of stories about a couple splitting up and the other party killing themselves or going very deep into a dark hole. He fears that. I may wonder why I'm still here, or sometimes when I take medication for a moment I think I could just take the whole bottle and be done with it, but I would never actually go there. I haven't yet.

I feel like if we call it quits, even just for a break, that's the end of us. That he will see that life can be better and not want this life again. Or that he won't feel bad because he didn't end it and won't have any desire to come back, maybe he just needs me to cut the cord. I can see him being happy with someone else, he could have everything that he wanted. I can't see myself ever being with someone else... Because if I can't do it with my husband who I love and loved before this happened, I won't be able to do it with someone else, a stranger. He's the only one that I want to be with... Letting go of him is terrifying, upsetting and feelings lonely before it's even happened. In my heart, I know if I let him go then he isn't coming back...
 
#58 ·
This is heart breaking. You are carrying everything on your shoulders and it doesn't belong on your shoulders.

Can you show this to your husband? Can he know the very intimate details of how worthless you feel because he can't handle what happened to you?

You're in a really bad place right now, but it won't last. I promise it won't stay bad.
 
#55 ·
I think letting him go . . . could open the door to eventually bring the right person into your life, someone who could love and nurture you exactly as you are, trauma and all.

So, so, so sorry for the injustice that was done to you, picpea. :(
 
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#57 ·
@WilliamM

I haven't read into or done any type of looking at FGM. It is a massive trigger for me, even just reading FGM spelled out fully. As soon as I saw it in what you wrote I debated reading it at all. Nothing bad towards you, it's just extremely difficult for me. I saw it soon after you posted it but just couldn't fully read it or respond. Again, nothing bad against you and I know there is another reply written closer to the end that mentions it as well so I need to prepare myself before I go down there.

That is an interesting note about counsellors, though it does make sense. Finding the right one is hard... I need to keep trying.

Every time I write something I think that I'm just going to write a little snippet, then I'm done and it's a long, blabbering, rambling, mess. It does help a bit, though.

@oldshirt

You are right that we are not the same people that we were before. If I were to describe him and myself before and after, without using physical traits it probably wouldn't look like the same people. I don't want to sound like a broken record from my last post so I won't repeat my sob story on not wanting to let him go...

I can't imagine myself ever being with another man or being intimate with another man. It scares me to think about. I don't know how I could start over with someone else and go through this over again. I've got to a point where everyone in my bubble knows to some degree what happened. I hated having to explain myself to people, even a little.

I can't help but think that if my husband didn't want to be with me or couldn't then no one could. If I was with someone else I for some reason that man was easier to be with, especially sexually, I would feel absolutely terrible.
 
#59 · (Edited)
Hi @picpea

I'm not sure I can offer much to you but I just wanted to say that I truly admire your courage. You have been through such a trauma and yet you are still here... still fighting to get better. You are a warrior.

I am a CSA survivor ... nothing as brutal as what you must have endured but I am truly touched by your story and I do hope that you can find a way to a happier path.

My dad had a drinking buddy that would come over once a week. I was sent to give them fresh beers when dad hollered up the stairs for another round. Inevitably dad would pass out, and his buddy would make his move on me. He'd sit me on his lap... call me his little girlfriend, touch me and eventually force me to perform oral for him.

He threatened me if I were to tell... made me fear waking my father if I made too much fuss or cried too loudly. I was 7-9 years old and crying while feeling suffocated by a drunk smelly adult was terrifying. To this day that smell of beer and sweat and cigarettes makes me want to vomit.

My scars were only emotional, but they were awful.

When I finally dated, my first 2 relationships ended because I would not give BJs... I just couldn't do it. One BF used it to humiliate me by announcing loudly to friends how great I was at it (knowing I wouldn't) ... he ended up dumping me over it. The other BF cheated on me to get his BJs from other girls that were willing.

When I left for college my anxiety got the better of me and I started having awful flashbacks and nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air reliving that suffocating feeling.

Through all of that time, even though I had tried to pleasure myself I could not reach orgasm. The build up sensations reminded me of that uncomfortable stomach drop feeling I would get when my abuser would grope me and I would just shut down completely. I felt so broken... I just wanted to be normal.

Since my sleep disturbances were getting so bad I had to leave school on a medical leave... I just could not function. I finally sought help with a great therapist who specialized in CSA and rape survivors.

She helped me work through the abuse first... what happened, the shame, the fear, the anger, the triggers. After I was strong enough then she moved into the sex therapy to help me learn to love myself.

It was really hard but I did get there after a lot of work. I can now not only climax but multiples. I could give a loving BJ under the right conditions (I still prefer it to be my idea, and I cannot handle it being rough or firm pressure on my head) but a light caressing touch I enjoy.

But the biggest thing is I actually like giving that pleasure now. And a huge part of that was from when I met Mr HB after all that therapy I told him everything. He knew every detail. I needed him to accept what had happened since there were still triggers occasionally and how could he be sensitive to them if he didn't know?

Anyway, I just wanted to share that I understand a little of what you're going through... and please don't give up. You are still you and you are not ruining your H. He has choices too.

He needs to accept what happened to you and come to terms one way or another. But you cannot protect him anymore than he could protect you. It is possible, if he is weak, that he may not be able to handle it all once he knows everything. And that's ok, because you deserve someone who can and will.

You are a survivor... a warrior battling her way out of hell. Don't give up now.

Gentle (((hugs))) to you @picpea.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#63 ·
This is an opportunity for you to heal yourself, taking on the burden of fixing yourself. You can do this. We all have our demons, some more scary than others.

Let me tell you, killing yourself is not an option. That's only allowing them to win. You need to continue to fight . Get all the help you can. You can win this.

I pray that you will be successful and find your freedom. Many blessings.
 
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