Stop apologizing. Write, write and write and keep writing, but apologizing...that you should stop doing.
I don't like to say that my trauma was worse than someone else's, they are all bad. Sometimes I find myself sinking into a pity party when I let myself think that my experience was worse than other people who try to help me. I get into a no one understands, no one has been there, no one can help
mindset. It also makes me feel like I'm downplaying other people's experiences and interpretations.
I want to have sex for me, for us. I enjoyed sex once upon a time. I guess I could call it a benefit that I did have sex before and did enjoy it. I can barely remember it, but I know I enjoyed it and I know it can be fun and connecting. I want to feel like a woman again. I want to connect with my husband. If my husband would be fully content either way, I would still want it.
So sex is a goal post for you. It means the old you is still there. The woman who lead a full and carefree life is alive. She IS still there and alive but she is different. Different happens because life happens, if it wasn't one thing it could have been another thing. This woman today, having difficulty feeling all that she wants to feel is a woman in transition, not the end result.
I don't get turned on and feel like I need him right then and there. It physically hurts to get the physical feelings associated with being turned on so my body doesn't go there or all bets are off. I want him because I want to be close to him and no amount of cuddling or kissing satisfies that need. There is no pleasure from it so it isn't a physical pleasure seeking thing anymore, more emotional...
If I understand this correctly, being aroused caused physical pain? The pain prevents your body from remaining aroused or building arousal. I assume the pain is due to the genital swelling associated with arousal and this swelling pulls on scar tissue. You've mentioned your body builds scar tissue abundantly and this is problematic because an over-produced scar not only causes pain, but it prevents positive sensation as well.
Physically, arousal is something you probably should avoid until you've seen enough specialists and had the scar removal surgeries. I don't know if you live in the US, it doesn't sound like though. There are various victims foundations that will help fund corrective surgeries. If that's not an avenue, I highly encourage you to place corrective surgery on the priority list. Above almost everything else.
Your husband probably can't bring himself to seek sex with you because he knows it would cause you pain. You must know that about your husband, right? The thought that sex means you're in pain and there is nothing he can do to prevent that pain would make him averse to having sex with you. He would avoid it stronger than you might avoid it.
My husband... he is a good man. He is very sensitive. There was a period after my trauma that all I felt was pain and fear. I didn't cry, unless it was from pain. I didn't get upset, I didn't laugh or smile. I didn't talk. I was essentially emotionless. I didn't feel human. My husband was an emotional wreck during that time, which was to be expected. I don't know where I was going with that, I guess that sometimes my husband has seemed to be more affected than me. I love my husband, and he has done his best to support me. He doesn't know every detail (not that he needs to) because he couldn't handle it (he made that decision not me). When I had to testify in court he left the room part way through.
His biggest problem is "mind movies". From what he does know he replays it over and over in his head and his imagination gets the best of filling in the blanks. Unfortunately the reality isn't any better. He does NOT look at my body or touch my body and think it is disgusting. What he DOES do is look at a scar or touch a scar and think about what happened to cause that. And can't get that out of his mind. Hearing the words "when I touch you there I imagine you being ______" was not easy to hear.
My husband had a great life before this. He was raised by amazing parents, no one in his family had problems or even divorced, no one had kids out of wedlock, drank, did drugs, no one was hurt, he had never known anyone who had been assaulted. If you would ask him what his worst experience was he wouldn't know what to say (I had asked him). So when my assault happened he was experiencing something he had never come close to experiencing. He didn't and doesn't know how to handle it. He went to therapy with me and alone in the beginning but doesn't go now.
It has resulted in him avoiding parts of my body and me making sure he avoids those parts of my body.
Now see, here is where I'm going to totally disagree with you. He's not a good man if you have to hide the truth of what you went through to save his sensitive disposition. If you could survive having it don't to you, he can damn well survive knowing exactly what the **** was done!!!!
God this pisses me off! You lived it! You were there! It ****ing happened to you! And he can't even know too many details? Sit his ass down and give him a play by play because if your marriage has any hope, and frankly I'm doubting it right now, you have to stop protecting him and start relying on his strength. Do you realize you are HIS strength instead of him being yours?
Mr. Picpea needs to man the **** up!
I feel more comfortable showing those areas to my doctors than my husband. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top or similar that shows some back, but if I were like that at home and my husband comes home, I cover up immediately. I don't want to upset him.
Too damn bad! Because you survived you have scars. If you had died, there would be no scars and your body would be decomposing. Morbid, right? But true none the less. You survived. If he can't bear to look upon the evidence that you didn't die he is missing the fact that...you didn't die. You survived.
Stop hiding your scars.
Stop protecting your husband.
You survived something horrific. He can survive knowing it.
Control is really hard for me. Not being able to control what goes on in his head, or how he reacts or feels. I have a hard time being in situations that I can't control or predict.
Do you feel this need to control the thoughts and feelings of everyone around you? Are you familiar with the terms "co-dependent" and "enabling?"
I get that you need to feel safe and not being able to predict how he reacts might trigger you to feel unsafe, but there is a difference between needing to feel safe even though he may be upset and needing to feel that he won't ever be upset. Live happens and people get upset. Traffic, crappy bosses, dogs pooping on lawns...upsetting but not unsafe.
Unsafe, meaning you feel endangered physically or emotionally. You have always felt unsafe, emotionally, with your husband because you filter what details he knows about your trauma. Because you filter for him, because you edit for him, because you smooth out as many things as you can for him so he doesn't get upset, it means you don't trust him. You don't trust that him being upset, angry, raging, about what happened to you won't harm you in some way. And that doesn't make sense does it?
Do you really think if he knew the details his reaction would endanger you in any way?
I was upset last night when I was writing so some of my words might have come out the wrong way.
"Sometimes I wish I had died instead. It feels like it would have been easier for everyone." - That is still pretty correct. That desire isn't high enough that I'm not longer walking the planet. There has been a lot (maybe once a month nowadays) of contemplation but no attempts. I say "wish" because I never wanted to live. When I was taken to the hospital it was by ambulance and I remember thinking that I hoped I'd die. I had a surgery and afterwards was in and out of sleep for a few days, every time I work up I wondered why because I did not want to be alive. I remember a doctor saying something about me and that I was fighting to be alive, all I could think was... no, no I'm not.
But you didn't die. You survived and now you need to live.
Surviving means you didn't die. Living means your life has meaning.
"My husband has the option to hold me, but he doesn't really want to." - That was written incorrectly. He does want to, he's a very cuddly, physical guy (or was). The way we can cuddle or be close feels limited because I feel the need to keep certain body parts away from him. Lately he has been very distant. Sleeping on the couch, not wanting to touch me at all, not wanting to spend time together, not coming home until very late. So lately he "has the option to hold me, but he doesn't really want to".
"He doesn't want to work on it, and I don't think I'm worth it to him." - I mean, he stopped going to therapy alone and as a couple. He doesn't want to work on it anymore, at least with doctors and therapists. He has essentially given up and in his own words said it wasn't going to get any better. If I wasn't worth it he wouldn't have stuck around this long, that was emotions talking. Worth has nothing to do with it, he just seems to have given up.
I'm sorry, that was way longer than I intended it to be.
What would you say if I insisted you tell your husband every detail and start showering with him?
Everytime you hide yourself, you stop living. Every time you buy into this absurd idea that your husband needs your protection, you stop living.
You came here to try to save your marriage and like almost everyone here, myself included, are discovering that to save your marriage you must first save yourself. To heal your marriage you must first heal yourself.