I need help with sustaining my marriage - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 02:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

My husband wants a divorce... I don't know where to go from here or how to live. I feel frozen. I can't even think. Or breathe.
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post #62 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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My husband wants a divorce... I don't know where to go from here or how to live. I feel frozen. I can't even think. Or breathe.


Try to see this as an opportunity, a fresh start. Your husband tried for 7 years but has run into the limits of his ability. So now you can take time for yourself without pressure and work on yourself. Grow until you're ready to be in a relationship again, if you can.


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post #63 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:08 PM
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This is an opportunity for you to heal yourself, taking on the burden of fixing yourself. You can do this. We all have our demons, some more scary than others.

Let me tell you, killing yourself is not an option. That's only allowing them to win. You need to continue to fight . Get all the help you can. You can win this.

I pray that you will be successful and find your freedom. Many blessings.
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post #64 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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My husband wants a divorce... I don't know where to go from here or how to live. I feel frozen. I can't even think. Or breathe.
God works in mysterious ways. You will make it through this and find yourself in a much better emotional place. You need to focus on your needs and your emotional healing. If he is serious about divorce, you need to talk to an attorney to find out your rights under state or provincial law and what are typical settlements in your area.

This is a time where you need to take care of your needs and future.

Another thing is that often people who threaten divorce do not really mean it. In your case, it may be a blessing to allow you the space you need to emotionally heal.

Good luck to you.
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post #65 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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My husband wants a divorce... I don't know where to go from here or how to live. I feel frozen. I can't even think. Or breathe.
I'm sorry. I'm sure this frightens you. But I am convinced you will not heal while married to this man. You put far more energy into soothing him than you put into healing and loving yourself. I personally think your husband should have waited for you to come to this conclusion or come closer to it but his actions have shown he is more protective of his feelings than he is of yours.

Imagine a marriage in which your husband isn't hurt by or afraid of your scars?
Imagine a marriage in which your husband makes you feel whole, rather than remind you that you're not?


I'm so sorry picpea.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #66 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

I've already lost everything. I don't ever want another relationship. If I wasn't good enough for my husband and my husband couldn't deal with it no one else could. I'd rather be a monk.

He just didn't come home... And a 3 days later texted me and said "I can't do it anymore. I want a divorce. I'm not coming back." I lost anything left that matters through a text message... I wasn't even worth a real conversation.
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post #67 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:12 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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I've already lost everything. I don't ever want another relationship. If I wasn't good enough for my husband and my husband couldn't deal with it no one else could. I'd rather be a monk.

He just didn't come home... And a 3 days later texted me and said "I can't do it anymore. I want a divorce. I'm not coming back." I lost anything left that matters through a text message... I wasn't even worth a real conversation.
This is terrible and I am very sorry. Your life is not over though. I think you are very wrong, there are men who may be able to deal, and may even be more equipped to help you.
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post #68 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:34 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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I've already lost everything. I don't ever want another relationship. If I wasn't good enough for my husband and my husband couldn't deal with it no one else could. I'd rather be a monk.

He just didn't come home... And a 3 days later texted me and said "I can't do it anymore. I want a divorce. I'm not coming back." I lost anything left that matters through a text message... I wasn't even worth a real conversation.
I am so very sorry picpea! You are right that was a really crappy way for him to tell you!

Do you have anyone you can turn to now? Any family or friends? Any therapist or support groups? Please turn to someone and do not stay in your house alone for awhile! Please find someone to stay with you or go stay with them!

I know you are hurting and everything looks bleak right now! I wish I could take the pain from you for awhile, but I can't. All I can do is send a cyber hug over the internet. But please know there are people here that really do care about you!
I am sure there are many who are physically close to you who also really care about you! Turn to them and let them help you get through this dark time! If not, keep posting here and let us help you get through it. I know you can't see it now, but there is still light in your life. Don't give up hope, one day you will finally come out of the darkness and will be able to see it!

Huge cyber hug!!!
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post #69 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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I've already lost everything. I don't ever want another relationship. If I wasn't good enough for my husband and my husband couldn't deal with it no one else could. I'd rather be a monk.

He just didn't come home... And a 3 days later texted me and said "I can't do it anymore. I want a divorce. I'm not coming back." I lost anything left that matters through a text message... I wasn't even worth a real conversation.
A text? He sent a text! A text?

No it wasn't a real conversation. You are worth much more. He is the one who isn't worthy!

To have lived through what you lived through, takes a very strong person.

To not even face you as he ended his marriage shows what an obvious coward he is. He knows he is a weak man. He probably likes to think he cared so much about you that he couldn't handle seeing the marks left from the attack but the real truth is that he didn't have the strength to see them. I'm sure he loved you and probably still does. But he is a weak man and most men are not weak.

He never helped you heal. He relied on your strength and in doing so he robbed you of the strength you needed to heal. Had your lives not taken this drastic turn after the attack you would have still woken up one day and discovered you have no respect for your husband because he is so weak he relies upon your strength.

He abandoned you because he is too weak to help you.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #70 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

I agree. I know it does not feel this way right now, but you are well rid of him. Lonely. But now unburdened by him dragging you down.

As others have said, take this time to work on yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Then you will be ready for a man who loves you, and you will be able to return his love.

I am sorry your current husband was not that man. But that man is out there.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #71 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

Wow... Console her if you must, but please leave the guy out of this... That guy didn't signed up for that ****, and for surviving that long for 8 years, trying out everything he can, hats off to him. He is still human after all, he is not God. A man can't do everything, only a fairy tale would tell you so.
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post #72 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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Wow... Console her if you must, but please leave the guy out of this... That guy didn't signed up for that ****, and for surviving that long for 8 years, trying out everything he can, hats off to him. He is still human after all, he is not God. A man can't do everything, only a fairy tale would tell you so.
Nope sorry the husband is a weak man. And yes he did sign up for it. They didn't get married until well after the attack. So yes, he signed up for being a part of the healing process. Unfortunately he put no energy into his own healing so he could be a part of her healing. He figured all would be well once she could enjoy sex again. Don't know how he thought that could happen if he could never look upon her scars. The man's a coward.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #73 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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Nope sorry the husband is a weak man. And yes he did sign up for it. They didn't get married until well after the attack. So yes, he signed up for being a part of the healing process. Unfortunately he put no energy into his own healing so he could be a part of her healing. He figured all would be well once she could enjoy sex again. Don't know how he thought that could happen if he could never look upon her scars. The man's a coward.
Since there is no 'dislike' button...

You are going a bit far here, I understand being more empathetic to the female etc. but a bit far.

Sure, he didn't live up to your superman expectations. He made a mistake, thought he could handle it and the brave thing to do was to stand by her and get married. Unfortunately he was wrong. Just a really ****ty situation all around.
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post #74 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 02:34 PM
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"These scars are a story of where I have been, not where I am nor who I am, but where I am going and what I have overcome. They are a story of my courage and my strength to fight back and regain control of my life. Strength, courage and life are never something to be ashamed of. The longer I hid the more power my abusers had. Silence gives them strength. Silence feeds them. Do not be silent. Do not hide. Be proud that you beat them. YOU won.?

This quote from Kale is a great place to start. I'm encouraging you to FIGHT for you!!! This horrible event is stealing your life. Your life, your existence is greater, bigger. Fight, fight, fight. Regain You. Put that horrible event in its place. Under you!!! Not hoarding over you!

Now that your husband has checked out also let that be a catalyst to overcome! Your life is not over. Every single day is a new opportunity to find you. To live out the life you desire. Don't let the horrible event win. Don't let the failings in your marriage win. You have power on the inside of you to rise above it all. You just have to find it and build on it. Your life is greater. You are greater.

Seek victory. I truly believe that it's in you. It was before this. It's not gone just needs to be feed. Find your strength. It exist!!! Fight!!
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post #75 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: I need help with sustaining my marriage

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Since there is no 'dislike' button...

You are going a bit far here, I understand being more empathetic to the female etc. but a bit far.

Sure, he didn't live up to your superman expectations. He made a mistake, thought he could handle it and the brave thing to do was to stand by her and get married. Unfortunately he was wrong. Just a really ****ty situation all around.
I agree it's a really ****ty situation all around.

How many women hate their stretch marks? The extra weight they can't lose after the baby? Getting grey hairs and seeing wrinkles? What every woman wants from her husband is reassurance that none of those things prevent him from seeing his wife as the attractive woman he married. That's not news to you, nor to anyone else here at TAM or even the big wide world. A woman's body changes and she is self conscious and unsure and her husband knows to reassure her. Right?

And yet here we have a very different kind of body change but a body change none the less and the husband not only failed to reassure her, he doubled down by not being able to look upon her scars.

If you think that can be excused because it's a ****ty situation all around you are mistaken in your belief about what women need from their husbands.

Secondarily, the brave thing for the husband to do would have been to work therapy and learn to forgive himself so that he could step up and be his wife's support. But he failed.

He had an opportunity to rethink marriage after the attack and he decided to go with it because he couldn't imagine himself as the kind of guy who doesn't stand by his woman when she is in need. So he was all about appearances but put nothing behind it.

That is the very definition of weak IMHO.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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