Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I need help with sustaining my marriage

9K views 77 replies 29 participants last post by  Anon Pink 
#1 ·
I sincerely apologize if this is the wrong area. I looked at the different areas and honestly just didn't know where I belonged. Sex and physical intimacy are our largest struggles so this area seemed the most fitting.

I'm 28 and my husband is 31. We have been together for 8 years and married for 6. I feel like my husband is on the verge of walking away from me, our marriage and our life together. It is something that I desperately want to avoid. I don't want to lose my husband...

Our biggest problem is our sex life. One year into our relationship I had a trauma (physical, sexual) that wreak havoc on our relationship. It turned our relationship upside down and everything that we once knew was blown to smithereens. My husband is a good man, he always has been and I don't want my words to be twisted and make him out to be the bad guy. The only bad guy in our situation is not being written about. We were in our early 20's and only a year into a relationship, he could have chosen to walk away. In hindsight, I know he wishes he had. He didn't. He stayed by my side and always has. We both thought, that with enough time and enough work things could get back to how they previously were. Neither of us, especially my husband, thought we would be here.

My husband and I have very little physical intimacy because I cannot handle it. There are so many parts of my body that he cannot touch at all. There are parts of my body that he doesn't want to touch, or look at. Any sexual intimacy is forced by myself. I have to force myself to do certain things, for my husband/my marriage, and it always ends poorly. Intercourse is almost impossible because I tense up so badly. I try and do other things for him until I get to the point that I physically cannot continue.

My husband has always been there for me. 4 months ago, when we hit an all time low, I told my husband that we could open the marriage if he wanted. We have a set of rules that has to be followed, I have to trust him to follow them. It has been excruciatingly hard for me, but I need to do it for my husband and my marriage. We don't talk about when/if he utilizes that privilege, I don't want to know. Even though he hasn't said anything I know he has opened that door, that I allowed him to open. Sometimes he will come home late and shower immediately. He has pulled back from me and it feels like there is a wall being built between us.

I know that I'm not who he wanted to marry. I want to make it up to him and sustain our marriage. Two days ago we got into a fight and he almost laid a hand on me. He didn't, he was very close but held himself back. He made a fist and wound his arm back, stopped himself, then almost pushed me, then stopped himself again and left the house for the rest of the night. He apologized, profusely. I'm 5'2 and 105lb, my husband is 6'2 and 220lb. If he wanted to hurt me he could. He wouldn't, unless I drive him to it. I have told my husband to force the physical intimacy but that has done nothing but harm.

Our marriage is crumbling and I don't know how to save it... Any help would be appreciated... If I could pick up a magic eraser and erase physical and sexual intimacy from our marriage it would be picture perfect. Alas, such magic eraser has yet to exist... I apologize if this in incoherent... I am quite upset typing this. My husband is sitting right next to me but it feels like we are a million miles apart as brick by brick, the indestructible wall slowly builds.
 
See less See more
#4 ·
Married-Man: I have been in personal/individual therapy for 7 years. My husband has gone off and on. We have gone to marriage therapy and sex therapy on and off as well. I'm sorry that I didn't mention that, I suppose I thought it went without saying. I don't have a clear mind right now. Yes, therapy has been (and is being) utilized. Though I suppose rather unsuccessfully.

GuyInColorado: I don't know how important specific details are to this... I understand that it is the cause, but the specifics I don't know if they really need to be shared. I've shared them with very few people. My marriage might be different, but it is not a sham... I understand that no one here can give me the magic answer to solve all my problems... I just want to do something to help my husband and save our marriage...
 
#5 ·
Hi @picpea

Thanks for your message.

I'm really sorry that you're going through what you are. It's a really tricky situation that you're in.

Now, reading behind the lines, i'm assuming that there was some sort of sexual assault or rape that occurred and for that, i'm truly sorry (assuming i'm correct).

In terms of your marriage and sexual intimacy, is it something that you desire at all? What about sex causes you to tense up? Is it the physical pain or some emotional scarring of some sort that is forcing you to pull back?

If you could clarify some of those points, then I can provide you with further guidance.

Thanks
 
#6 ·
Assuming that there are no children borne of this marriage, and given that professional counseling has failed miserably, the relationship has denigrated largely into the two of you living like a pair of platonic college roommates!

If that lifestyle is what you indeed want out of life, then so be it! Otherwise, I would highly recommend an immediate separation and your visiting a good family attorney in advising you of your property rights and to file for divorce on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences!"

Notwithstanding, you have a rather long road ahead of you because whether you file for divorce or not, you will have to sustain keeping yourself in individual counseling until such time that you can willingly enter upon a relationship with another person!

I wish you nothing but the best!
 
#9 ·
shrah25: I'm having a hard time writing a response to your post and finding the line between what I want to say and what I don't want to say. I want to be intimate with my husband, sexually, physically and otherwise. We don't have a problem with emotional intimacy. I do want to be intimate with my husband and I push myself to be. I try to just do it but it is never smooth sailing. Even when I try with every ounce of my being to do something with/for my husband it's not enough or enjoyable for him. Understandably. No normal person would enjoy being intimate with someone who responds the way I do.

The reason for tensing up is physical and emotional. Physically my body reacts to touch by instantly wanting to move away from it. I went from being a person who loved touch and craved touch all the time, to repelling it like opposite ends of a magnet. Simply holding hands use to be difficult to force myself to do. Physically some acts hurt because I have permanent physical trauma in my genitals and there is no repairing it structurally. Which adds a self-conscious aspect. I have reminders on other parts of my body and my husband avoids touching and looking at those areas like the plague. Every day I have to be mindful of certain parts of my body and keep them covered. Because of the pain and physical memories of being touched and the pain of being touched I tense up when intercourse has any likelihood. To the point of insertion being impossible or very uncomfortable for my husband. The pain of forcing insertion adds to the physical pain. It's an endless circle that results in a very unhappy husband who explains our sex life like making a fist and trying to push a finger in and out of it.

I do other things for him. Poorly, but I try. He gets frustrated and calls it quits, especially lately since opening to door to the marriage. The only way we have "successfully" had intercourse start to finish is by me telling him to force it and maybe I will get use to it. He weighs double what I do, he can stop me from pushing him away if he wants to. It isn't enjoyable for him, though.

I want to be able to be with my husband and enjoy it. I want to be able to make him happy in every way and be enough for him. It seems impossible... Everything I try backfires.

arbitrator: We don't have children. Not for lack of wanting them. My husband and I have only had start to finish sex a handful of times so it hasn't been in the cards... I suppose hypothetically being childless should make it easier to let my husband go. It doesn't feel like it. My husband has said many times that he feels like we are living as roommates. I don't want him to feel that way... I have tried to have him force things until I'm use to them but that hasn't gotten us anywhere, but here. If my husband decides to divorce me I don't think I deserve anything. His time, his affection, his love, his life, were wasted on me. I don't want to be at the point of needing lawyers... :(

WorkingOnMe: I know that when my husband dreamt of marrying he didn't envision me and this. I know that I really love him, and I feel like if I were less selfish I would end it and let him go. He is sitting on the fence and I could blow him off with a whisper. The part of me that loves him, or maybe it's the selfish part, doesn't want to let him go. I can't imagine not being with him, he is who I saw the rest of my life with. I want to be everything that he wants and needs because he is that for me. I want him by my side for the rest of my life, not beside someone else's side. I know there are probably millions of women who are better suited to him than I am. As a contrast, if he doesn't want to be with me no one is going to and I rot away.

sokillme: I have gone through EMDR sessions. It helped definitely, but there wasn't significant relief. The therapist I was working with at the time said a small number of people don't respond as well to it. Apparently I'm one of the "lucky" ones.

The thought of being in an open space with a group of people being vulnerable gives me anxiety attacks. I have never gone to physical support groups because the 3 times that I have gone I was a mess and drew attention from everyone. My husband has gone to some for spouses on many occasions.
 
#10 ·
sokillme: I have gone through EMDR sessions. It helped definitely, but there wasn't significant relief. The therapist I was working with at the time said a small number of people don't respond as well to it. Apparently I'm one of the "lucky" ones.

The thought of being in an open space with a group of people being vulnerable gives me anxiety attacks. I have never gone to physical support groups because the 3 times that I have gone I was a mess and drew attention from everyone. My husband has gone to some for spouses on many occasions.
There are online groups for this kind of thing. Maybe someone will give you some techniques to help you. I am SO sorry for you and your husband. Have you contacted specialist dealing with sexual abuse?

Have you tried to do it daily for a prolonged period of time. Maybe not worrying about the outcome? Does your husband get frustrated? Does it effect his ability? Meaning he loses his erection when he sees you are suffering?

There are A-sexual men out there you know, so don't give up all hope.
 
#11 ·
So sorry for what you are going thru. I am putting any blame on you what soever.

I think you should separate from your H and work on taking care of you, to make you whole again.

As much as your H is understanding, he is not a saint. He has wants and needs. He does not want to force this on you because in the end what does that make him be?

He is trying to work with you and that is changing him. When you told him to go outside of the marriage, you have made him into a cheater. Even if you gave him permission, he is probably not the kind of man to do this. You are forcing him into a position he might not have wanted to be. Thereby, changing the basis of who he is. He will do it for you, to remove the pressure of sex from you. But what does it do to him.

That's is why I am saying to leave your marriage and work on you. After working on you and you are healed, then, you can approach another sexually relationship.

Have an honest conversation with your H. With no expectations to resolve this issue but to find out how he feels and put out your feelings for him to see.

I wish you luck and happiness.
 
#13 ·
sokillme: I haven't participated in any online groups, maybe that is something that I need to look into. If it could help with something, anything, I'd do it. My husband has been sleeping on the couch lately and doesn't seem to have any desire to stop that. Last night I asked him when he was going to come to bed and he jokingly-ish responded with never. I don't know how much of a joke that was... I have seen two specialists who focus on sexual abuse, one was definitely better than the other. We moved across the country and I had to stop seeing the better one, which didn't help at all. Now we live in a smaller city and there isn't as many options available. My husband doesn't think there is any point to find a better therapist and move closer. He's in the didn't work before, won't work now mindset.

The outcome has always been to have a better relationship with my husband. Maybe it would be different if we hadn't been together at the time when the trauma happened. I have wanted to improve for myself to, of course. To feel comfortable with my husband, to be able to do things with him that I want to do, to be able to go to the grocery store without issues. A lot of aspects in my life didn't improve significantly until I got a service dog who was trained specifically for me. My husband doesn't really like dogs and complains about him being in the way. He's a poodle so he doesn't shed much, but any hair on my husband's clothing and he complains about it. My dog really helps me though and my therapist worked with his trainer to make sure he was perfect for me. He watches me for signs of an anxiety attack coming on and can often stop it. He knows that certain people make me more nervous than others, usually spots them before I do and guides me in a different direction or stands in front of me. He does deep pressure therapy if I am having an anxiety or panic attack and it helps it end much faster. He knows when he needs to use forward momentum to pull me forward and keep walking and I can use him to push my bodyweight into if I'm having trouble breathing or getting up. He helps me a lot...

My husband gets frustrated with our intimacy. If we avoid it he gets frustrated because we have no physical intimacy and he wants to be with his wife. If we try he gets frustrated because it rarely is successful. To be honest I think the few times we have had start to finish sex he used viagra. Most of the time we try anything he can't maintain an erection, usually he ends up somewhere in the middle of being totally soft and having an erection. He gets frustrated with himself and me because I can't relax, or the rare time that it starts going well and I ruin it. I thought letting him have those needs met somewhere else would take some of the pressure off and maybe it would get better for us. All that has changed is he is less interested and more distant. I want to be intimate with him and enjoy it... I thought maybe if he had those needs already met he wouldn't need a good time as much and he could avoid some frustration.

brooklynAnn: My husband is a really good man. I think that is obvious or he wouldn't have stuck around this long. He has never cheated on anyone, he had never had one night stands, he had never got anywhere close to hitting a woman, he never would have dreamed of "forcing" sex. I feel like I am ruining a really good man. There have been times that I have told him to not stop even if I say to stop. It messes with his head... I don't want to ruin him for someone else...

I don't want to have to walk away from him... I know that if I were single I could probably work on myself a little bit more but I really don't think it gets any better for me... He is my husband, who I love and trust, and I can't improve for him. I know he would be happier with someone else and that should make this an easy decision but it doesn't. I love him, I want him to be happy and have everything that he wants in life, but it being with someone else really hurts to think about.

I don't want to make a decision for him. He has chosen to stay this long. I do need to talk to him and see where he stands... That is a scary thought because it could be the last conversation we have as a married couple.
 
#17 ·
I think think an online board for rape survivors would be a good place for you to post this. They can speak to your issues better then we can. Also in today's environment there is no reason why you have to be in an office to do counseling. This can be done over the internet. I would ask for help via email from experts on the internet and ask them to do online counseling with me.

One thing I want to say to you is you are taking personal ownership for the issues in your sex life with your husband. The person who is responsible for this is the person who hurt you. It's not you or your husband. DO NOT, take ownership for that. DO NOT see this as a personal failure, you were robbed. Your husband was robbed. I don't know if this change in your thinking would help but it might. Instead of feeling like you failed, why not get angry. Why not use that anger to help you fight. Fight through your fears. So much easier said then done, I know. Sadly this person who did this to you in a way still has control over your life like he did when he did this. I am very sorry to say that to you as I know how hard that is to hear. It is very hard for me to say.

Please understand me, I do not say anything like that as a criticism of you or your husband. I am probably closer to your situation then most as at one point in my young life I actually walked into the aftermath of a brutal rape that happened basically on the street to someone who is very close to me. I will not say more as it is not my place to talk about the pain this person endured and I will only talk about this incident from my own experience. The aftermath for me is on going but was so much easier then for the person who was assaulted, and still the ramifications of that incident are still felt by me today. I only stopped taking medication for it a year or so ago. It is hard for me to admit the the person who did that has had such a big impact on my life.

The point I am trying to make is that this is not a failing in you. This is not the you or the marriage you were intended to have. Please accept that. Do not take ownership of any shame over this. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! If you are, please do not let you feelings of failure leave you passive. No matter what happens this is not a failure of you or even your marriage. This is nothing but a theft. You were robbed. Your husband was robbed.

I am assuming you and your husband are on medication for PTSD? Have you talked to the doctor about medication to take during sex to help you relax at least at first? Was you husband ever involved with your counseling? He need needs to be as he needs to learn the tools to help you. This is something that you both must do together.

I wish I could give you better advice to help you fix this, but I think the only advice I can give you is to fight for your life.
 
#14 ·
Sounds like another version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Some guys coming back from Viet Nam and Iraq were a mess. Others just let it go as best they could and went on with their life. I always wonder what it was that made the difference between the two groups. Then it dawned on me. Some guys were a mess BEFORE they went into the stressful places. It just broke those who were already damaged.
 
#16 ·
I am very sorry for what happened to you.

I wonder if its possible you are trying too hard and in the wrong way. You are (if I understand correctly) the victim of sexual violence and you are trying to force intimacy. You have even asked your husband to essentially rape you (you've told him not to stop even if you tell him to when its going on).

Do you think there are parts of your body he doesn't want to look at or touch, or is he picking up on how you feel about them?

Why are you not the person he wanted to marry? Are you just talking about your trauma or was there some reason earlier?

I am very concerned that he got so angry he almost hit you. I'm not convinced he is the saint you think he is. My wife has no trauma, but simply rarely wants sex, and is extremely limited in what she will do (including no intercourse). I'm unhappy, but I haven't needed to get sex outside of the marriage, I haven't gotten so angry that I wanted to hit her. I've had no desire to force her. If she had been assaulted, all my concern would be for her.

Back to the top, have you tried gentle non-sexual intimacy? I'm not a therapist, but I would have thought that the way to go would be a lot of non threatening, non sexual contact with your husband. Start with simple things like sitting close together watching TV. Stroking your hair, gentle kisses. No sexual activity at all for quite a while, just get comfortable with each other. (or if there are sexual things you are COMPLETELY comfortable doing for him, thats OK too,

He can live without sex for a while - a lot of us do without any sort of trauma in our partner's pasts. Or if he can't, then he really is not the right person for you.

I know its been a long time, but I wonder if your attempts to force yourself to have sex are just reinforcing the trauma.

Again, I'm not a therapist so I may not understand the best approach.







snip

There are parts of my body that he doesn't want to touch, or look at. Any sexual intimacy is forced by myself. I have to force myself to do certain things, for my husband/my marriage, and it always ends poorly. Intercourse is almost impossible because I tense up so badly. I try and do other things for him until I get to the point that I physically cannot continue.

SNIP, I told my husband that we could open the marriage if he wanted. We have a set of rules that has to be followed, I have to trust him to follow them. It has been excruciatingly hard for me, but I need to do it for my husband and my marriage. SNIP

I know that I'm not who he wanted to marry. I want to make it up to him and sustain our marriage.

Two days ago we got into a fight and he almost laid a hand on me.

SNIP

I have told my husband to force the physical intimacy but that has done nothing but harm.

SNIP _ FROM YOUR LATER POST
There have been times that I have told him to not stop even if I say to stop. It messes with his head... I don't want to ruin him for someone else...


.
 
#18 ·
Dear Picpea;

It sounds like you really love your H and want to save your marriage and rebuild it. That is wonderful. It also sounds like you have tried various forms of therapy and that hasn't worked.

I suggest that you talk to a bunch of therapists and get referrals to someone who specialize in rape victims. Also talk to therapists who use hypnosis and conditioning methods. From what you have said in your posts, it doesn't sound like you have worked with a good sex therapist who can introduce you to sex with your husband in gradual steps that you can learn to accept. Asking your H force himself on you doesn't sound like a good idea.

An earlier post discussed PTSD treatment through medical means. I strongly suggest that you discuss that with both a medical doctor and sex therapist. There have been uses of nasal spray Oxytocin in the treatment of PTSD. Oxytocin is the love hormone of cuddling hormone that is released during sex. Some of the effects of it are that it induces a sense of trust and it blocks the brain's fear receptors. It might be the ideal thing to see if it can be worked into your sex therapy as a way of being able to work past some of your fears the come up when you want to have sex with your H.

I would echo, the others who have said that you need really good professional help. Good luck to you.
 
#19 ·
urf: The development of PTSD is complex. Childhood experiences, genetics, age, the type, extent and tiny details of the trauma all play a role. A person does not have to be broken or damaged before developing PTSD. I had a very normal life before my trauma, I had great parents and a great childhood. I had many friends, did well in school and sports. Had normal intimacy and a normal sex life. Even a good childhood can be a trigger for PTSD if the child is sheltered from stress and when thrown into a stressful situation has no idea how to cope. Being under the age of 25 at the time of the trauma makes PTSD more likely. The smaller details matter more than the larger ones. Had my situation gone differently but still been the same type of trauma I might not be here writing this. Same goes for veterans, if they had been given a different task they may not have come back with PTSD. It's more complex than, he was broken before going to Iraq.

Holdingontoit: Thank you. I did one clinical trial a long time ago, 5 years or so. It did help but the trial didn't end up finishing though I cannot recall why. I'll admit that I have tried a handful of different drugs (without supervision) and some did help. Each time I felt like I needed that drug immediately after and still get the urge to use them months and years later. Addiction scares me. I know that isn't the same as being monitored, but it still worries me. I have known people to have quite bad side effects while doing trials, but I suppose that can happen with any medication.

uhtred: My therapists were not totally onboard with me wanting to force sexual intimacy so much. They know about it, and I talk about it, but they don't encourage it. I feel like it's all I have to try and keep my husband. I have always had to force some things (therapist recommended), like going to therapy together and letting my husband touch an area of my body for 3 seconds, then 5 seconds, then 10 seconds, and going on and on until he could touch parts of me without me being too uncomfortable. It progressed to sexual contact (at home, of course). We got to a point were the improvements stopped and we were at a standstill for a long time. That's when I decided to push it more. I do want to be intimate with my husband. I can barely remember it but before my trauma happened we had a great sex life. I don't want to be one of the women who expects their husband to go without sex because they don't want to try to solve the problem, trauma related or not. I don't know whether he is willing to stick around any longer or not...

When I'm having sex with my husband it doesn't feel the same as my trauma. The act is the same but everything else is different. I don't necessarily want him to stop, I want the thoughts in my head and the aversion to stop. I have sometimes told my husband not to stop even if I tell him to in the moment, but it is still not the same. He looks at me, talks to me, kisses me, holds my hands. His body pressure on me stops me from being able to push him away and having pressure like that can help calm me down. I'm not exactly having the time of my life, but I don't feel like I am being assaulted again.

I know that he has trouble looking at and touching certain parts of my body. He knows that I'm uncomfortable with those parts as well so it could definitely be a factor, but he has said that he has a hard time with it and lets mind movies get the best of him. I had laser scar removal on my wrists and the scars are still visible but not nearly as much. It helped with being able to leave that area exposed and to hold hands. My husband would see those scars during sexual intimacy and it bothered him. It made him feel like he was restraining me, whether it was penetration or manual stimulation. I had scar removal on other places as well, and it helped. I have two areas on my body where scar removal hasn't been successful or hasn't been an option. I have elevated scars that go across my back and it doesn't bother me as much as it bothers my husband. I'm definitely more sensitive to touch on my back, and I always keep my back covered, but my husband can't even touch my back. If he does he immediately pulls away. I have a scar on my arm that I have to leave covered all the time so I always have a bandage over it and again, I think it bothers him more than it bothers me. My actions could have caused his. My biggest issue (and I don't think it is as much of an issue for him) is the external appearance of my genitalia because a part was removed. It makes me tense up whenever he is in that area because it doesn't look the way it use to, or should. That has got worse since allowing him to see other women because it gives him something to compare me to.

When my trauma occurred we had been together for a little over a year and he proposed 17 days prior. To my husband, getting engaged means you would marry that person right then and there, and commit to them for the rest of your life. So when he proposed in his eyes he was saying his "I do's" almost. When my trauma happened 2.5 weeks later he felt like he had no choice but to stand by me. I don't think he wanted to as much as he felt like he had to. He has said (in angry or stressful moments) that he regrets choosing to stay. When he proposed, this wasn't what he signed up for. He wanted a happy marriage with the woman he fell in love with, kids, white picket fence in his home state. Not a childless, open marriage with a crappy sex life, a wife with mental health problems, doctor appointment after doctor appointment, a service dog and moving 3,000 miles away. Even immediately after my trauma happened I don't think he expected this. He knew it was bad, but he didn't know what to expect.

I initiated the conversation about opening the marriage, my husband had never brought it up before. He said he didn't want or need to, and we don't talk about whether he does or not, but based on his actions I am certain that he has taken that free pass. He didn't want it, or I suppose he did because he chose to go ahead with it. I - in a way - wanted it because I thought if he had his fun somewhere else we could try and it wouldn't matter as much (to him) if it didn't work.

When he almost hit me (I don't know how close he really was to doing it), in that moment and for a while afterwards I was scared. I started packing a bag to leave, but he left first and didn't come home that night. Prior to that we had tried to have sex, he wasn't able to get an erection at all and didn't want me to touch him. He kept trying, his frustration was getting ver high and bothering me. He said a couple very hurtful things about if I could do X or if I had X this wouldn't be a problem. I shut down and wouldn't/couldn't respond to him. He was yelling at me and I tried to leave the room. That's when he almost hit me and almost pushed me (onto the bed). He left after that. He texted me and apologized about an hour later, tried calling but I didn't pick up, and came back the next day. I think him being allowed to have sexual needs met elsewhere played a factor in it...

I don't want to be one of the women who put up with violence. I know how he reacted was no okay. It is the only time something like that has ever happened and had he actually laid a hand on me I would have been gone. He has been acting off since that happened.

For a long time we only focused on non-sexual intimacy, or outercourse as therapists seem to like to call it. I haven't really had problems touching him, but it took a long time to be comfortable with him again. Seeing me afraid of him hurt him. It took a long time to start having sexual intimacy and my husband was fine with it as long as we were making progress. When we first started having sexual intimacy my husband was ecstatic, but when it didn't go fast enough for him we started having issues. That little taste of it made him want the whole thing.

sokillme: Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I don't know why I decided to search for a marriage group rather than a sexual assault group. My marriage is my main concern, so I suppose that's why.

I do blame myself, I have always struggled with that. I got myself to a point where I didn't blame myself for the trauma happening, but I do blame myself for the aftermath. I get so many comments of the just get over it genre or comments like I knew someone who was raped and they are fine. Sexual assault is always bad but sometimes it is like comparing apples to oranges. Immediately afterwards I had a really bad therapist in the hospital who said some stupid, stupid things about because of something that happened to my body during/after the trauma, that the trauma would be easier to get over and I would have less reminders. He also tried to tell me that if I were pregnant it could be seen as a gift in a terrible situation. And before we even knew my STD status he thought it would be good to bring up HIV other than to just take the medication in case. I have told very few people the whole story so when people make comments they don't know what they are really commenting on.

I want to stop thinking about the people that hurt me and shifting all the blame to myself makes it easier, in a way. The only little bit of peace I have is that the men who hurt me are in prison with a lot of time left on their sentences.

My husband has gone to therapy with me, but not nearly as much as he should. He has gone alone as well, but not often. He doesn't like to go because he feels like we aren't making any progress and it's a waste of time and energy (because I get upset). In the beginning he went a lot, and it slowly tapered off to once a month. Then a few times a year. He has refused to go for the last few months. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting this battle alone, rather than together.

My husband blames himself for not being able to fix or prevent it and for it happening at all. He went away for a week with friends to a wedding. I was suppose to go but changed my mind at the last minute. He was in another country so he didn't take his phone and was drunk half the time anyway. All of our friends were there, I don't talk to family that often and they thought I was going as well. So no one knew when something was wrong and my husband was having a great time while I... wasn't. Realistically, it probably wouldn't have happened if my husband was home because a vehicle would have been in the driveway. Regardless, he blames himself and it definitely causes problems. We're both on medication. He has stopped taking his from time to time, mostly when he doesn't want to go back to the doctor.

I have asked if there is anything that I can take before sex to help me but my therapists and doctors have been hesitant to prescribe anything for that. There were (street) drugs involved during my assault and that causes hesitation for wanting to prescribe anything that might trigger me. Even though I've experimented with (street) drugs, and had intimacy, and wasn't affected negatively. Maybe I need to talk to a new doctor or ask for a different referral.

Again, thank you for your reply.

Young at Heart: I do think I might need to talk to a different doctor and therapist. I have always been told that I fell into the small group of people that don't respond well to medications and (some) treatments. Maybe I need to find someone better. Before we moved across the country I had a really good therapist, after moving... not so much.

I have used a nasal spray before, it wasn't oxytocin though. I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I think it started with an 'e' or 'k'. I had it until moving and switching doctors. There are a lot of options to try and either they worry me or they haven't been recommended for me to try. I'll have to find a new doctor to talk to. I have never tried hypnosis methods.
 
#22 ·
I knew a girl once who suffered a sexual trauma. She suffered aversion. Probably nothing like you. Nobody is like anyone else, really.

Why did she speak to me about it? I don't know. Why was she not able to find relief from the counseling she had received from others? I have no idea what others may have said, or why it didn't work. All I know is she wanted me to help her. I was very relaxed about sex, talking about sex with me was easy.

I tried different ideas. I was pretty useless for a while. Years. In the end one crazy idea worked, for her. Probably can't work for anyone else.

In a conversation one day I told her she should just own it. It wasn't her fault, it was his fault, but she should just own it. It happened. Just think about it, stop avoiding thinking about it. A couple years later, she said she did just that, and finally came to realize it was something bad someone did, but it wasn't her fault. Once she realized it wasn't her fault, she got better.

She told me she got better because she stopped trying to divorce herself from it. She accepted bad things happen. Bad things happen to her. Somehow thinking through it, maybe discussing the incident with me at the beginning of the trail, but mostly accepting "bad things" happen to her, got her walking down the road to recovery. Somehow she had kept blaming herself. That's what we think was happening. But that's just her story. Not anyone else's.

I am truly sorry anything bad ever happens to people, especially girls/women. It makes my soul hurt.

Please get better.
 
#23 ·
Her assault occurred when she was 13 years old. I met her when she was failing school at the age of 16, and blaming herself for everything bad in her life, all because she felt she deserved to be punished. Soon after I met her she turned to prostitution. Her own self recrimination was relentless. She hated herself.

I was hired to try to help her at least get a high school diploma. I don't even remember if she succeeded in that or not.

Her life went to hell. She married a man who pimped her out, because she felt that was all she deserved.

I begged her to dump him. It was while she was with him that I suggested that crazy idea of owning her assault. She was 18 then. I had been trying to help her for two years by then.

It worked. I still can't believe it worked. She dumped him, too. She healed. Within two years she was out of prostitution, divorced, and had found a new guy who then married her. A year after that, when she was 21, she called me and told me she had learned to actually enjoy sex. She couldn't believe how much fun it was!

And she thanked me for helping her.
 
#25 ·
Picpea:

I am not a professional, so I cannot provide sound advice for such a significant level of trauma.

I just wanted to say that you have my sympathy for the trauma you endured. NOBODY should have to endure such trauma. NOBODY.

That said, the only thing I could maybe encourage you to do is that which causes you anxiety. Up thread you mentioned certain things that spike your anxiety, so you alluded to avoiding them. I would think the more you do them without a negative outcome, the more you could retrain your neural pathways to not trigger.

My wife lost her virginity at 16 by date rape, and continued to date him because she felt like she needed to stay with him because you "stayed" with someone after you slept with them where she is from.

At 40, she still sometimes triggers to things. What helps is gently pushing through them when they occur. It is sort of like the saying, "When you are going through hell, keep going."

I hope this helps, and I am sorry for what you have suffered, and continue to suffer.
 
#26 ·
So sorry sweetie. WilliamM ...what he said.
A very impactful event I experienced in life...
A counsellor had a puzzle on the table. It was comforting. Keep your hands busy and I actually got kind of excited about finishing it.
The COW had the last piece in her pocket.
Watched me getting stressed about it. Ha ha ha very funny.
She takes it out, tells me it's just one piece of the whole puzzle, but without the puzzle isn't complete. So what's the point of keeping it in your pocket, hidden away?
I was so mad. Then I wasn't.
And I'm being kind. But but but
Nobody holding you back but yourself. And that's perfectly okay too. Sometimes the answer is do nothing.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#27 ·
When I got my degree in biology I considered going on to becoming a counselor, but I have to say the professors I took psychology courses from at university seemed a little... nutty.

My wife had a lot of problems when I married her. She went to a counselor, and then two different psychiatrists. In the end she said none of them where worth anything. She is not the girl I wrote about. They did know each other. It was interesting. My wife always liked the other girl, while the other girl was jealous of my wife.

It is very important to try different help until you get the help you need.
 
#28 ·
Some people should not be married and some marriages should not be saved.

You should not have agreed to marry him knowing the extent of your disability. Until you can get yourself to a point that allows you to be fully sexual with a man you have no business marrying one, not a normal one anyway. There are asexual men out there, perhaps engage with one of them and see where it goes - when you get healthy. For right now this sham of a marriage needs to end and you need to work on yourself.

If you truly love your husband then let him go. Let him be happy and have the life he deserves. You can't have what you want in life but you can allow him to have what he wants. Don't allow two lives to be ruined, picpea. Learn to be happy through his happiness.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top