I'm having a hard time writing a response to your post and finding the line between what I want to say and what I don't want to say. I want to be intimate with my husband, sexually, physically and otherwise. We don't have a problem with emotional intimacy. I do want to be intimate with my husband and I push myself to be. I try to just do it but it is never smooth sailing. Even when I try with every ounce of my being to do something with/for my husband it's not enough or enjoyable for him. Understandably. No normal person would enjoy being intimate with someone who responds the way I do.
The reason for tensing up is physical and emotional. Physically my body reacts to touch by instantly wanting to move away from it. I went from being a person who loved touch and craved touch all the time, to repelling it like opposite ends of a magnet. Simply holding hands use to be difficult to force myself to do. Physically some acts hurt because I have permanent physical trauma in my genitals and there is no repairing it structurally. Which adds a self-conscious aspect. I have reminders on other parts of my body and my husband avoids touching and looking at those areas like the plague. Every day I have to be mindful of certain parts of my body and keep them covered. Because of the pain and physical memories of being touched and the pain of being touched I tense up when intercourse has any likelihood. To the point of insertion being impossible or very uncomfortable for my husband. The pain of forcing insertion adds to the physical pain. It's an endless circle that results in a very unhappy husband who explains our sex life like making a fist and trying to push a finger in and out of it.
I do other things for him. Poorly, but I try. He gets frustrated and calls it quits, especially lately since opening to door to the marriage. The only way we have "successfully" had intercourse start to finish is by me telling him to force it and maybe I will get use to it. He weighs double what I do, he can stop me from pushing him away if he wants to. It isn't enjoyable for him, though.
I want to be able to be with my husband and enjoy it. I want to be able to make him happy in every way and be enough for him. It seems impossible... Everything I try backfires. arbitrator:
We don't have children. Not for lack of wanting them. My husband and I have only had start to finish sex a handful of times so it hasn't been in the cards... I suppose hypothetically being childless should make it easier to let my husband go. It doesn't feel like it. My husband has said many times that he feels like we are living as roommates. I don't want him to feel that way... I have tried to have him force things until I'm use to them but that hasn't gotten us anywhere, but here. If my husband decides to divorce me I don't think I deserve anything. His time, his affection, his love, his life, were wasted on me. I don't want to be at the point of needing lawyers... WorkingOnMe:
I know that when my husband dreamt of marrying he didn't envision me and this. I know that I really love him, and I feel like if I were less selfish I would end it and let him go. He is sitting on the fence and I could blow him off with a whisper. The part of me that loves him, or maybe it's the selfish part, doesn't want to let him go. I can't imagine not being with him, he is who I saw the rest of my life with. I want to be everything that he wants and needs because he is that for me. I want him by my side for the rest of my life, not beside someone else's side. I know there are probably millions of women who are better suited to him than I am. As a contrast, if he doesn't want to be with me no one is going to and I rot away. sokillme:
I have gone through EMDR sessions. It helped definitely, but there wasn't significant relief. The therapist I was working with at the time said a small number of people don't respond as well to it. Apparently I'm one of the "lucky" ones.
of being in an open space with a group of people being vulnerable gives me anxiety attacks. I have never gone to physical support groups because the 3 times that I have gone I was a mess and drew attention from everyone. My husband has gone to some for spouses on many occasions.