what do I do? - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:31 AM Thread Starter
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what do I do?

My wife and I have been together for close to 16 years, and married for 7.We live on a beautiful property, (Iím a farmer) but donít have a lot of money, and do have a fair bit of stress because of the country we live in and her relationship with her family.
Before we got married our sex life was great, lots of experimenting, fun and variety. After the wedding it slowly started tapering off, became more vanilla and less frequent.

Our son was born 3 years ago, and since then shes never got her groove back and were down to once a week of ďlazy sexĒ If I try and spice things up, no matter how gently Ė even giving her oral - she shuts it down. It feels like she just wants to get it over with.

Until about a year ago I would often push or tease about sex Ė things like ďI canít wait to get you home so I can give a BJ till you pass outĒ trying to keep it light and fun, she would always say she was up for it, but when the time came she would ask for a rain cheque, which of course never happens. Iíd say I initiated 95% of the time, and got blocked 75%.

Eventually I got pissed off and we had a serious talk about why her libido has gone down so much, why shes so good at promising weíll do it tomorrow, what I can do go make her interested in sex again etc. Our normal conversation ending is her bursting into tears and running away Ė no matter how gently I approach a subject. This time she came back downstairs and said she doesnít want to do anything more exciting in bed because I donít do anything for her, donít bring her flowers, donít tell her how good she looks, generally I donít do anything just for her to make her feel special and wanted.

I was floored. I thought about it for a couple of minutes and reminded her that I do 99% of the cooking, looking after the house and our son. I look after her like a princess, Iím always telling her how gorgeous she is, I grow flowers in the garden and pick them for her often. I cook the foods that she loves, and donít use ingredients that I love but she doesnít. I support her career 100%. Iíve changed countries and careers for her, and have given up many of my dreams so she can pursue hers. I was in a complete rage and it took us a while to get back to a fairly even keel, but our sex life never really recovered.

In the year or so since Iíve slowly stopped initiating sex, I just canít be bothered any more, Iím building up a huge resentment towards her and am starting to think of life without her, but I really donít want to leave her. We love each other and get on really well, were affectionate, but it feels like were best friends, not lovers and my resentment about sex is getting in the way of everything good in our relationship.

I think one of the biggest things causing the resentment is the broken promises, and I feel like sheís not putting in any effort. Yes shes tired from working a physically demanding job, but so am I. Weíve talked and talked about this, it probably comes up every 4 months or so, she promises to put in more effort, says she wants more sex, to be wilder and to get back to where we were having fun but literally from the next day its back to the same old same old.

Ok, so after the wall of text, what do I do?
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:30 AM
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Cool Re: what do I do?

Has marriage counseling ever been suggested as a mandatory part of the equation? Try it!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:40 AM
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Re: what do I do?

When my children were very young, as much as I love them, I was permanently exhausted - and I certainly did not feel sexy.

You wife has communicated to you that she doesn't feel sexy, even though you feel you have done all the right things. This is not necessarily a fault of yours but just part and parcel of being a mum and holding down a career too. My husband was also very good at doing chores when they were little and although I did appreciate it, I never equated this as a sexual exchange. There is a certain amount of just getting through the day when children are young and I think it may be one of those phases that passes as your child gets older and your wife has more time for you as a couple.

Is there anyone in your family who would like to care for your child overnight or for a weekend so you can spend some child free time together?

Something my husband has done for me lately to make me feel sexy and desired is to spend time with me with NO kids - every term he takes a day off and we spend the morning in bed, restaurant for lunch, shopping in the afternoon.

For what it is worth I think things will get better with time but you both need to take time out from your grown up responsibilities (for a moment) to reconnect and have fun.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: what do I do?

Hi Pecam
We arranged a date on my birthday the other day, went out for a nice dinner, had a really nice lazy day together, when we got into bed she started saying how tired she was and could we "do it tomorrow?" that was a week ago.

Arbitrator, we went to counseling a while ago, it did nothing for me, but we didnt go into the sex aspect - it was more focused on me wanting to move to a place where I have a far better earning potential but where my wife wouldn't be able to work as much, and convincing me the move would destroy my family - it ended up with a basic ultimatum - If I go, I go alone.
We are in south Africa and I know the stresses and fears of living here are affecting both of us, but my release of the daily stresses is making love to my wife, hers is riding her horse.

Maybe going back to a different therapist is the way to go.
I find I'm starting to look at everything negatively with the why bother mindset, and need to change that.

Last edited by Ryan_sa; 04-17-2017 at 05:38 AM.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: what do I do?

Any symptoms of depression or anxiety?
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: what do I do?

Would you give up your farm, move to another country, change everything about your life to have the love you want?
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:33 AM
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Re: what do I do?

I think part of the problem is that she's settled in the marriage: she has the kids she wants, she lives on a beautiful farm, has a nice job, she probably figures she doesn't need you for anything anymore and doing things for you is unnecessary. She'll make lame excuses like she did to make it sound like you are at fault for there being no sex, but in reality she's at fault...because she doesn't want to. I don't think the sex will ever come back, so you'll have to make a decision whether to move on or stay in a a sexless marriage. Marriage is real fair to men, huh!

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: what do I do?

The reason most women cheat is that they feel they are taken for granted. Their husbands stop making them feel desirable, sexy and attractive. Their husbands no longer work for it. I have been aware of this for a very long time. You have to continue your courtship behavior during your marriage. Everyday I remind my wife how hot she is and how horny she makes me. I buy her flowers, take her out for an evening, always chasing her around the room until she giggles like girl. I tell her that just her smell makes me hard. I also act a little jealous to remind her that other guys think she is hot too and it bothers me, even when it does not.

Every cheating married women I knew, said that their husband takes them for granted and does not make them feel like they did when they were dating. My wife is having the most intense orgasms of her life at the age of 64 while none of her girlfriends even have sex anymore. This may sound strange, but sometimes briefly opening your marriage a little can rekindle your marriage, sex life and feelings for each other. It certainly worked for us over our 44 years of marriage. The article below explains why more and more couples are turning to some form of sexually open relationship to save their marriages or simple to improve them. Just the exploration process alone can help your marriage if you decide that monogamy is still what you want. It initiates communication and gets you to talk about core issues. It is not for everyone because you need to be able to mentally handle it and some get jealous if their spouse even looks at another person. Not for them.

Read this if interested. It is not just about non monogamy. Even just discussing it and sticking with monogamy can benefit your marriage. I know it is difficult to wrap your head around it but that is due to conditioning and not genetics or nature.

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-17-2017 at 12:46 PM.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: what do I do?

Dear Ryan_sa;

Farming in rural South Africa is a potential life threatening occupation. I wish you safety and luck. I can understand what you said by that inducing a degree of stress for for you and your wife, especially with a small child.

As others have said you should really try a sex therapist, there are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems. I would wager that a good marriage counselor, if focused on you marital problems would also provide you with significant benefits.

Two things in your post jumped out at me.

(1) You wife doesn't feel you bring her flowers and other things

(2) You feel you do all the cooking, make dinners she especially lies, and do all the work.

I really suggest that you get the book by Chapman called the 5 Languages of Love. They are (1) acts of servcie, (2) quality time (talking-deeply listening with empathy), (3) touch (not sex), (4) words of affirmation (praise), (5) presents.

Each of us is raised and has their own primary and secondary love language. Often times they are different from our spouse.

In my case, my wife learned from her mother that to show love a woman needed to cook her husband a hot home made meal and have it ready for him when he got home for dinner, then sit down and talk at the dinner table. That is how a woman and man showed each other love and was how a good marriage worked. My wife is all about acts of service and quality time. I am not.

I didn't understand how my wife told me each day that she loved me. Sometimes I came home late without calling and the meal was ruined. I might have as well have slapped her in the face and said I don't love you, when that happened.

My primary and secondary love languages are touch and words of affirmation. When I wanted to tell my wife I loved her I would reach out to hold her hand or touch her shoulder. She would snarl at me and tell me to stop pawing at her to just get in her pants. When I told her how proud I was of things she had done, it was to express my love for her. She would say to me, stop buttering me up just to have sex with me.

We both deeply loved each other, but didn't understand when the other expressed love and often did things to make the other feel unloved, by not understanding what was being communicated.

I suspect that is a big part of your problem. The other part is that you have a small child and that you wife is probably under huge stress to protect that child.

Yes, try marriage counseling again, but get Chapman's book first and think about what you wife has told you and what you have said about how you feel.

Good luck.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:57 PM
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Re: what do I do?

"I do 99% of the cooking"
Stop doing this

"looking after the house and our son"
Stop doing this

"I look after her like a princess"
Stop doing this

"Iím always telling her how gorgeous she is"
Stop doing this

"I grow flowers in the garden and pick them for her often"
Stop doing this

"I cook the foods that she loves, and donít use ingredients that I love but she doesnít"
Stop doing this

"I support her career 100%"
Stop doing this

If you do all these things without any reciprocation, stop doing them. You cannot continue to meet her needs (assuming those are her needs) when she doesn't meet yours.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 01:46 PM
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Re: what do I do?

Listen to @Young at Heart. Stop showing your love in ways you would want to be loved. Start showing her in ways she wants to be loved. Stop wasting your time and energy on acts she does not appreciate. Love smarter, differently, not the inefficient way you do now.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: what do I do?

Thanks everybody.
Its amazing how just writing all this out and getting some points of view gives perspective on the whole relationship.
I'm going to get the 5 languages book, It sounds like that's exactly where we're going wrong. I understand the problems aren't all her fault, and hopefully this will point me in the right direction to improve things.
I believe it can get better, but moaning at each other is not going to help. We read his needs her needs a while ago, but it didn't make much difference, maybe this time.

Farming in SA is..... interesting.... We don't live on the farm, but in a semi rural area in town, partly because its closer to better schools, and because of the safety issues.
Don't want to derail the conversation by going into politics, but South Africa is a scary place at the moment.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: what do I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan_sa View Post
Hi Pecam
We arranged a date on my birthday the other day, went out for a nice dinner, had a really nice lazy day together, when we got into bed she started saying how tired she was and could we "do it tomorrow?" that was a week ago.
This brings back memories - going out for the first time after kids (around a year old), have a nice dinner, sex is on the agenda. When night is over, she puts her flannel pj's on and tells me she's really tired. Next week go out again and it's announced that there will be sex - get home and she says she's crampy. I gave up right there - if she wants sex, she knows where to find me.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:38 PM
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Re: what do I do?

No. No. No. Do not be me. Do not resign yourself to "if she wants me. she knows where to find me". She wants you, but she wants you to chase her. She wants you , but she is exhausted. she wants you, buyt she is touched out at the end of a day where 3 kids are grabbing at her.

As @jld would say, it is your job to inspire her.

If you are not going to undertake the mission of demanding she cater to you and you inspire her to do so, file for divorce now. Do not be like me and wait until you are beaten down and broken. Make your escape now.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: what do I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan_sa View Post
We are in south Africa and I know the stresses and fears of living here are affecting both of us, but my release of the daily stresses is making love to my wife, hers is riding her horse.
This jumped out at me.

She finds riding her horse a great stress relief. She may love her horse, but never as much as a person. It is still an object, a pet, something she owns, and expects to get that stress relief from. She feeds it, takes care of cleaning up after it, etc, because that is the price of horse stress-relief ownership.

You find sex with her to be a great stress relief. She equates that with the horse. She feels treated like an object, a pet, something you own, and expect to get stress relief from. She feels that you do the cooking and cleaning not out of love for her, but because to you that must be the price of sex stress-relief ownership. She does not feel like you think of her as a human being, an equal, a partner, someone who should be given as much pleasure as you receive. She now perceives her only value to you to be that she is a body in which you relieve your stress.

You want sex to relieve stress. I bet she only wants sex when she is stress-free, which sounds hard to come by, especially when your relationship has gotten to the point where your need for sex has become an additional source of stress for her.
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