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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-12-2012, 02:56 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

Communication is important as in every other area of a relationship... You have a ton of great ideas for wooing her and telling her what she means to you... Ask her what she would like to try sometimes.... ask about her dreams and if she has a hard time talking.... talk while in bed and lights off.... that maybe a little easier to talk then Make up a sex to try list.... have a date night once a month where you get romantic and follow up with a different sexual position every month.

and about O...
It has always been about position
State of mind and friction!

Sounds like these folks know more than I but might I suggest her on top... or you on top with her knees to her chest and feet abover her head... a flat pillow under her bum may help... other wise I believe I read once that some women just dont O but remember that sex to women is more than just sex but a connection.... good luck and good hunting
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Old 01-12-2012, 09:30 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

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Originally Posted by jimmydoe View Post
A few days ago she gave me a spontaneous HJ. While she was doing that she said she didn't actually know what she was doing; was she doing it right? So I guided her with my hands and showed her what felt best. I hope things like this will make her losen up a bit and allow her to tell me hat she likes. Posted via Mobile Device
Try and use this as a way to learn about what she wants. As you are kissing and caressing her, mention this event and tell her you want to do the same thing with her - that you want her to guide you and your hands and lips to show you what feels good. Don't push for the orgasm, just use it as a first step by learning what she likes and what she does not.

Last edited by Tall Average Guy; 01-12-2012 at 09:49 AM.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:53 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

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Originally Posted by Jbear View Post
It has always been about position
State of mind and friction!

Sounds like these folks know more than I but might I suggest her on top... or you on top with her knees to her chest and feet above her head... a flat pillow under her bum may help.
What other positions do you guys suggest to spark the O?
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Old 01-14-2012, 04:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

Women often have things on their mind... My H would talk about friends his mother and things he has to do later in the day... that is a distraction dont do that!

Clear her mind with romantic talk according to the 5 love needs women desire sex for different reasons then men, a closeness a connection... butter her up with foreplay... that will help get her thinking in the right direction. Her on top is the best way because we can do what we like and can increase... just by leaning slightly... and can speed up at just the right time... where you arnt a mind reader and may just stop short... I have never recieved oral sex... so I can not testify to the things suggested above but you can always get a sex bible... or even a book of positions from your local book store or on your kindle read through it together...

The thought of trying something new can be very erotic and reconfirm a feeling of closeness and trust
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:35 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

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I've often found that it's far more important to me that my wife orgasms than it is to her. Ego thing, I suppose. Sounds a bit like your situation.

Anyhow, you've received a lot of good advice here. One more thing to consider: the more your wife feels she "has" to orgasm, the less likely she will. So as important as it is to you, don't let her know that. Instead, let her enjoy the process without concerning herself with the end game. Do that, and the orgasms are much more likely to occur.
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YEP SAME HERE

After many years and much communication and we tried everything my wife is extrememly clitoral. Penetration just won't do it 1 out of a 100 times maybe during a lunar eclipse.

She loves to see me get off then hands, oral, toys, or a combination of the above works everytime for her!!

Wild G google it blows her world to pieces!!
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:05 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Back again... Been reading up online about female orgasms and how most women don't orgasm from sex alone, but need some form of clitoral stimulation to go with it. So I tried to make a 'move' a few times during foreplay (foreplay with us is actually just kissing), but she just pushed me away or moved her legs away. Last week I sent her and email when she was in the room next door (I was still in the bedroom) about me wanting to kiss her all over and slowly work my way down, kissing her panties and the inside of her thighs, until I would feel how warm she got etc, before taking them off and let her decide if she wanted me to go down on her of just do her... and how I wanted to touch her breasts while we were doing it. She just came into the room and asked why I was sending her that crazy email
I told her I figured I'd let her know what things I like to do instead of just grabbing and starting to kiss her everywhere, cause I figured she'd get mad if I'd do that. Long story short: she said she actually didn't mind if I did any of those things, and blamed me for putting it in my head that she did't want that. We had sex a few times after this conversation and I carressed her breasts during those times, but still, when I tried to touch her ***** she moved her legs so I couldn't reach it (she still had her underwear on), or when I got her naked and went to kiss her pubic hair, she just pulled me back up.
So this morning I figured I'd tell her I'd been reading up on the O thing and how most women seem to have an orgasm (or better chance of) when their clitoris is stimulated and asked her if she knew where it was located.
She said she didn't know! I was kinda amazed by that and asked her how the hell she didn't know that
She told me that her "thing" is not like a penis and everything is inside or 'hidden' away. She said I can barely see me own labia, how am I supposed to find my clitoris, I don't go around touching myself down there to look for it. So I suggested she could've used a mirror, but she just said she never checked or felt the need to do that on her own. I asked her if she never read those articles in women's magazines about "The big O" and masturbating, or using the detachable showerhead etc, but she said she skipped those sex stories....
I was, once again, amazed: my wife had never had an orgasm, never masturbated and doesn't know where her clitoris is located. And I am more than willing to help her find out

I guess for a male it's just so easy: you have your penis in your hand a few times a day when urinating and a few times a day you get a hardon. If that happens to be in a convenient location you jerk off

She said sex was fine the way we do it, she enjoys it, I enjoy it and it's been 15+ years, we still have sex, so what's there to complain? I agreed, but just told her that maybe there might be an even better feeling out there; what if we could discover together what it feels like if I try and stimulate her clit? Maybe she can orgasm, or maybe she can't, who know, but at least give it a try...

I guess she reluctantly agreed with me, so we'll see where it goes from here...
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:59 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

Well, keep doing that research and practicing!

Another resource:

Give Her An Orgasm - GiveHerAnOrgasm.com

As well, there are certain positions you can do that can increase stimulation of the clitoris. This includes 1) woman on top so that she can grind herself against your pubic bone or 2) the CAT position (Coital Alignment Technique - you can google it) which is a missionary style position where you grind against her instead of the typical up and down motion.

And, you are right that for some women, they are very disconnected from all of their lady bits. That may seem hard for men to believe, but everything is kind of hidden and tucked away and it often has a very utilitarian and functional aspect to it, which can often supplant and hide the pleasurable aspects to it.

Another thing you can try to do is awaken her sensual side with all of the other senses, not just during sex but throughout each day - learning to enjoy the pleasure of touch - of each other and various objects; the pleasure of sound - different kinds of music or sounds, even windchimes or the wind blowing through the pines; the pleasure of visual - looking at beautiful art or a sunset; the pleasure of taste ...

I hope that you two can help her unlock the sensual beauty and pleasure that her body is capable of.

Best wishes.
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:02 PM   #23 (permalink)
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So glad that you are communicating now - that can only lead to a better relationship and intimacy.

I rarely orgasm with penetration - but am blessed with a husband that works to satisfy me. We have been married 21 years and he is still very turned on by seeing me satisfied.

Keep talking and keep trying. Sex and intimacy is something that you need to keep communicating about - doesn't matter how long you have been together. Keep working and it will pay off!

I will never say no in 2012
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Old 01-27-2012, 03:21 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

She really needs to learn her own body. I am in the same boat as your W. I only had my first O at 32...so its never to late for learn herself. She needs to know it isnt wrong to touch herself, or dirty. In any way. Ever.
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Old 01-29-2012, 06:10 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

If its a problem there is solution. To help peoples about sex education and feeling good about sex. there is a book for perfect sexual bliss called "Perfect Loving" You can have a look at Welcome to Perfect Loving(tm) | Homepage - Couple Counseling, Sex Education, Sexology, Advice, Seminars, HTML - How To Make Love . This book talks all the process from starting to orgasm of sex play.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:13 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife orgasm 'problem'

it sounds to me that your wife is in a frustrating situation. She's been happy with her sex life for years and hasn't had an orgasm, but now her H is desperate to "Help her achieve" one.

she perhaps feels under pressure from you and honesly she's never going to loosen up if she's feeling that.
When i've got other things on my mind and get a sexual text message from my partner, I roll my eyes and sometimes don't bother replying... it doesn't make you want to rush off and ****. I can see why she asked what you were thinking of sending that email. It was just pressure to her.

Other times I get those kind of text messages and i'm transformed into a horny vixen. I can't explain why sometimes it does it for me and other times it doesn't/

I'm very lucky in that I orgasm multiple times during sex and always have done. I have had sex though where i've just not been into it and am going through mental chores so not concentrating, i think when i'm feeling like that, i'd not orgasm no matter what the guy was doing.

Its not a thing that you can make happen in a woman if she's not in the right place mentally, you can lick, finger, massage until the cows come home and its not going to work if her brain isn't engaged in the act itself.

leave off discussing it unless she brings it up as I think you are probably making her feel odd now that she isn't orgasming and this is only going to give her a crisis of confidence.

she's happy with the status quo so let her be
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Old 01-29-2012, 11:06 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Some women never ever orgasm. I guess if she's fine not doing it, perhaps you might want back off from it.

Or you could bring in toys.lol. A rabbit vibrator works very well in stimulating an orgasm. She may want to use the low setting at first.
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Old 01-29-2012, 03:26 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Well, the frequency has improved since our first talkt about this; we're at 3 times a week now (2 times sex + handjob), which I think is great. Sure, if she wanted more, I wouldn't say no, but I think this about right for the both of us (my drive is higher, but I jerk off sometimes, to release some stress).

I'm not asking or pressuring her anymore about her (lack of) orgasm or how to "fix" it, but I do try to make foreplay longer (more kissing and carressing her breasts). And I read about the coital alignment technique, so I'm trying to throw that in there when we do it. And now that I know she hasn't orgasmed until now, I try and keep myself from orgasming until I notice she wants me to cum, so at least it's more fun for her, I guess.

I guess she's still insecure about me or herself touching her privates, though I think she's slowly getting more comfortable with me touching her (just play with her pubic hair so far). Although when we have sex and get really into it she does sometimes pull her outer lips apart so I can go real deep. And when she does that I think: why don't you touch your clit while you're at it, but I guess those are two different things, in her mind

Slowly making progress, and happy we talked about this.

About the vibrator: we tried one of those durex play rings once, I put on my penis, but once I had it up against her clit/vagina area she freaked out, which I can imagine, cause that thing was vibrating violently
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:00 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I think it's awesome that you're opening that door to communicating about sex. And I understand here naivety about sex, because I've been there, albeit a long time ago. I had sex for the first time when I was 17, it was a one time thing with an ex, and he only cared about getting himself off. I didn't even get sex, really. I then met my stbx and he was much more experienced. He wanted to go down on me but I was of the mindset that that was naughty and I didn't feel comfortable with it. I hadn't had an orgasm, hadn't touched myself or explored down there, or anything. We'd kiss and I'd get really turned on, and he'd grind against me, which felt good, but no orgasm. He then started fingering me, and I had my first orgasm. At that point, I opened up to more. I'd give him handjobs and all, as well, just guessing what to do. He wanted to perform oral on me, and I pushed him away. Then I remember he just said, "trust me, you'll like it, and if you don't we don't have to do it again" and let's just say I loved it. I was much more open from that point forward with him, and when we had sex, etc. We were definitely more focused on my orgasms, as I never gave him blowjobs or handjobs really in our 14 years together. But I was always satisfied, and he got off easily as well. I felt like we were compatible.

Fast forward to now, as a 33 year old woman, in a new relationship where communication and openness is very well anchored. I've had the best sex of my life, and been opened up to a lot more. I communicate better and tell him what I want, I enjoy giving blow jobs, we talk dirty, have explored fantasies and fetishes, and everything. In my prior relationship I never used toys, and I hardly ever masturbated. We've now tried toys together (Hitachi Magic Wand...OMG) and while it isn't an every time thing, it's fun to do. We've experimented with a lot, and I love it. Sex is fun and exciting, and we talk about it frequently. I am also able to have many orgasms back to back, and always have, but he's brought them to a new level. It's really nice to be able to experiment and research and learn new things. I love it. He even has helped me learn how to masturbate (we're long distance, so sometimes we make ourselves happy together).

It just honestly sounds like your wife is shy and reserved and uneducated about sex. I think that if she opens up just a bit and you take things slowly together, she could be getting so much more out of your sex life. She needs to find her sexual power and use it. Is she open to watching porn? That might help a bit. The sex will bring you closer as well. You guys are young, live it up. There's so much to learn! Good luck.
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:08 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Nope, she's not into porn

I told her as well: sex now is nice, but it could be even nicer (for her). I always orgasm and know what a great feeling it is, so why not explore her body together and figure out what she likes?

She told me about her previous partners; the 1st time for her was unpleasant and painful, the guy was only interested in getting himself off, and even went on while she was crying. It was consensual sex, but an experience like that can't be easy to get past, I think (or maybe thats how a lot of girls lose their virginity, I haven't got a clue).
After that she had two other short relations (sex once or twice) and a 1,5 year relationship... She tells me she didn't enjoy it back then, which I first thought was to make me feel better, but from the talks we've had lately I've come to the conclusion that she's sincere with her answers and doesn't sugercoat things. So I think sex before me has always been more about her partner then about her.

When we met she was my first, so I guess that kinda helped (no pressure from me, I took things slow) and she told me back then she didn't like it when her previous partners touched her 'down there' (but she allowed me to touch her, maybe because I was inexperienced and it all went gradually as we 'discovered' eachother).
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