Don't feel bad, a least your wife didn't gain 100 lbs and have no intention of losing any of it. We have talked about her unwillingness to exercise but she just doesn't want to. My daughters try to get her to wear makeup and look a little nicer but she doesn't want to do that either. She doesn't care that she's not attractive and it doesn't seem to bother her. I really don't understand that either because when she was 25 shortly after we got married she was an absolute knockout. My guess is that she's settled in life, has what she set out to have and doesn't care about pleasing others any more.
I appreciate my wife for not doing a bait and switch. She is the same person now as she was a decade ago when I first met her, with natural changes for growing up.
This is the norm for many moms OP. My parents had 6 kids beginning at 18. I have never ever seen my mom buy anything for herself outside of shoes and uniforms for work. I have never seen her go out except on a couple occasions when her sisters visited from another country. The only times she's worn makeup is when we were old enough to buy our own and forced her to let us put it on her. The only time I've seen her in a dress/heels is when she's heading to church. To this day she has zero hobbies because she never had time to do anything outside of working/raising us. I'm pretty sure my father would say she has zero sex appeal too.
Don't let this be your wife. The advice you're receiving here should help you avoid that.
My wife has few hobbies, she threw them away when we had our first child. Between parenting, working and going through high school she didn't have time for anything else. I should encourage her to get back into them again or find new ones. All that she does for her "me time" it workout from home and go running. I don't want her to look back and have many regrets. Having our first child when she was a teenager affected her a lot more than me and she still carries some jealousy over that. That I was older and head in life, that I didn't miss out on things and had more time to do things than her (though I shouldn't have). She has done a great job at taking care of our kids, I want her to take care of herself as well.
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Hi, here I am.
OP, she was this way when you married her; so she hasn't done a thing wrong.
She has a great body which has rebounded to pre-pregnancy conditions
. You think she is beautiful [?]; but yet, she isn't enough the way she is, and your eyes are wandering.
If *she* would really like to makeover her personal appearance and style-----we only have your information to go on, so we don't know------then, by all means, treat her to the works.
Maybe she just needs financial permission. It sounds like you hit the jackpot again, in getting a woman who is sensible with money.
If a go-ahead on spending the time and money on herself is all she needs, then great. She'll morph into a sexy, fashionable version of herself, and all is well.
If you are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Then a lot of unhappiness awaits the two of you.
And apparently she's now not sexy enough in bed either.
If this is because she's not measuring up to porn; then my advice to you is to grow up.
If it's 'cause she's not measuring up to past girlfriends; you are a very cruel man.
If this is because you, of your own
personality, need dirty talk or a more seductive woman; then you have to tell her; and you both may need to see a sex therapist, or read books, or watch webinars; so on and so forth. This is something you want; which she may be able to "learn" to accommodate you. You guys may need some outside help. Because, apparently, dirty talk and being the take charge, confidant woman, is not her style.
Just like people who are born gay can't become straight. People usually don't suddenly change and take on sexual personas that are not naturally who they are.
Here we see how the husband's more prolific sexual past can hurt the wife. We usually pay much more attention on TAM to the wife with the colorful past and the relatively inexperienced husband experiencing retroactive jealousy and feelings of inadequacy.
It goes both ways.
No, you're right. I can't change her if she absolutely does not want to change. If she wants to wear leggings until the day she dies then I'll have to live with that. Maybe buy some new pairs to change things up... bright side? You are right that I don't think I have ever clearly told my wife to go blow a bunch of money. She might need to hear it very clearly from me. I do not take for granted that she is wise with money, better than I am.
My wife's body would be beautiful regardless but I know I am lucky that she did go back to her pre-pregnancy body. She walked away from two pregnancies with no extra weight, no stretch marks or loose skin, she didn't need a csection. I don't know if she was just lucky or she did something to achieve that. I am happy (that sounds wrong, I'd be happy regardless) that she went back to her tiny, buck nothing size.
I do not compare my wife to porn and I try not to compare her to other women. When I am with my wife, I think about my wife. There are times when I miss not certain people but how good the experiences were. My sex life with my wife is fine. It regular enough, she doesn't lay there like a dead fish, she initiates sometimes, but it's nothing to write home about. I'm not going to say to my wife that I was with X and she gave an awesome BJ, and I was with Y and she was amazing on top, or Z had great orgasms. No. I just wish we could spice it up a little. It's fine, but maybe it could be better than just fine.
I am not saying this to be a ****, I'd rather not say it but it's important for context. When we met she was literally just someone I wanted to hook up with and another notch. Things changed or I wouldn't be here and married to her, but she feels like I'm only with her because I knocked her up. She took care of our child and I kept screwing around, literally, until someone smacked some sense into me, also literally. From what she has said to me I gather that she feels like I'm not really into her regardless and never have been, not really attracted to her regardless. She watched me go from woman to woman in our younger days and many of them were the ones who dressed on the ****tier side. She is nothing like those women, and I'm GLAD that she isn't, but she doesn't see it that way. On her sexiest day she doesn't feel like she could live up to other women I have been with. That's something she has said.
There is nothing more sexy than a confident woman. The makeup washes off, clothes go out of fashion, sexy underwear soon gets boring...confidence is a great aphrodisiac.
I fear that if you try and change her appearance in a way she does not feel comfortable she may lose her confidence and she may just feel awkward. If your wife has always been this way then it does seem unlikely that she would commit to completely changing her lifestyle. She sounds a lot like my sister who does not take time on her appearance (no makeup, greying hair, worn shoes, jeans shredding at the hem, washed up jumpers). I take a lot of time to look good, do my makeup, pick out nice clothes, experiment with my hair - it is very important to me. But when we holiday together it is always my sister that gets the attention from men and I am convinced it is because she is so confident and fun. Whereas I am shy and reserved.
So my advice for what it is worth is to encourage your wife to be more confident and playful in the bedroom. Sensual oil massages, stripping, teasing, using 'props', learning great hj and bj skills, writing erotic stories. There are a plethora of books that may help.
My wife must have sex appeal for some men because she does get attention when we are out. I have no problem with my wife being hit on or some mild flirting, as long as she comes home to me at the end of the day. When she does tell me that someone flirted with her at work or the store, I kind of like it. She isn't a confident woman, she is still rather quiet though not as shy as she use to be. Funny enough, the vast majority of men who have flirted with her or ogled her have been foreign or from another culture. Come to think of it, it was the same in high school as well with the foreign exchange kids. She notices it as well.
Reading erotica might help her, she's into things like that. As long as I have known her I have tried to get her to strip or tease, no such luck. I can do those things, and make somewhat of a fool of myself, but she doesn't have the confidence to do it. Especially stripping, that would be like the jackpot. It's hard to encourage her because she gets upset that (she thinks) I liked sex with someone else better, or I think about someone else while we're having sex.