OK, let me get this straight - you cheated on her early in your relationship? Or was this going from woman to woman before you and she were together?
I'm trying to say this without sounding like a self absorbed ****. I have been thinking about how I want to word it for two hours. I don't intend for this thread to turn into a debate on how big of an ******* I am or was. The only reason why I am saying this is because it might help my wife.
I'm 4 years older than my wife. I met my wife in high school, she entered the year I was graduating. For about a year I flirted with her and got to know her. She was very shy and it took a lot of persuading. I saw it as a challenge and I didn't care that I took a year of working at it to get her clothes off. I was involved with other women and knew how to keep my wife interested and use her jealousy to my benefit. I toyed around with her and gave her enough to keep her around but we were not in a relationship. I didn't care what she wanted (a relationship) because I was getting what I wanted (sex) and kept her where I wanted her. She got pregnant at age 16/20, we still were not a couple. I kept seeing her, admittedly not as much. Like before, I kept seeing other women. The reason she got pregnant was because I got her drunk to try and loosen her up, the condom broke and I didn't tell her. Everyone at the high school my wife attended knew she was pregnant with my baby and knew she was just a "play thing" that was being led on. She was teased and harassed a lot and switched to online classes in the next term, I could have handled it better but instead did nothing. She always had a small group of friends, she was never popular but knew everyone and everyone knew her. I definitely failed her in that time. When our daughter was born I tried to be involved but wasn't as much as I should have been. When our daughter was 6 months old I had some sense knocked into me and started to get to know my wife as the mother of my child instead of a FWB. A while after (age 18/22) we (I; she always was) went exclusive and have been together for 7 years and married for 5. We have an 8 year old and 2 year old. For years I did a great job at making her feel like she wasn't good enough to commit to. When our daughter was born I did a great job at making her feel like she and our family still wasn't good enough or worth more than random hookups. I have tried to make that up to her but the past can never be erased.
I have not slept with or had any other form of sexual contact with another woman since committing to be with her. I may have been an ******* but I didn't go that far. I can't say that I haven't cheated on her, because in her mind I have, in a way. If I were asked on a polygraph if I had ever cheated on her I would be conflicted because of how SHE feels.
If she's into working out, perhaps another great option is pole fitness classes. Not only will she get a bomb ass workout, it will help with her self confidence and work on her sexiness in a controlled setting with a group of like minded women. The pole fitness classes can also be sourced through groupon.
Thank you, that is a good idea. I'm going to see if we have that locally. I just looked it up and it is offered in our city, and they have a class for mothers. That might be something she'd like to try, especially with similar women.
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Well, it does sound like you appreciate your wife's good qualities. That is good; you don't take her for granted.
If she is insecure about your past experiences and that you continued being sexually involved with others, even after you were with her; then I'd be doubly, triply careful about asking her to change into something that even remotely resembles the women you used to chase and date. I can't begin to describe how painful that is---to feel like your S.O. wishes you were something else.
Have you ever considered that her sweetness and au naturel style may have attracted you initially? It can be very common for us to be attracted to someone for a certain quality; then try to change it.
My husband has always been a very blunt, tactless person. It was incredibly fascinating to me when I first met him. And even though it was hurtful at times; his honesty was very refreshing.
But then I started to wish he wouldn't be as honest. It started to grate on me to always get the unvarnished truth. And I saw how he ticked other people off.
So, while encouraging him to be as honest as possible, I also caution him to watch out when and where he just blurts out the first thing that is on his mind.
Point of the comparison: encourage your wife to be *her* best self. Not a copycat of the ****tier women you used to date.
Silly example: if she likes sunflowers, buy her a cute casual dress with sunflower print. She might have a dressier style; but still have her own personality shining through.
Overall, I get the feeling that your wife needs tons of reassurance that you find her attractive enough. What a sweetie, I hope she's okay.
Start small. Get her a Bath and Body Works collection in a scent you know she likes. Small encouragements. From you to her because she deserves nice things; and you want to see her get pampered from time to time.
If she detects the slightest whiff of, "I don't like how you dress", or, "the way you act in bed can't hold a candle to Old Girlfriend"; then you are on the fast track to a low sex marriage.
The women that I use to engage with were the types that always had their hair, makeup, nails done, always wore revealing clothing, put out. You're right that I don't want my wife to feel like I am trying to turn her into one of them. She already feels like she isn't good enough or doesn't compare. I try to compliment her a lot and reassure her that I want her and only her.
My wife is attractive. To be blunt, if she wasn't I wouldn't have had any interest in her many years ago. When I first saw her I was attracted to her, when I learned how shy she was it became a challenge for me to "get" her, when I "had" her I that is when I started to like who she was for more than just her body. No my finest moments but I can't change it now. You are right that if she had a different personality that blended in with the other women I saw, I probably wouldn't have focused on her so much. She has a lot of great qualities that other women I've known haven't come close to having. There was always something different about her that I wanted to figure out. I'm the lucky one that she wanted to and continues to want to be with me.
I'd just like her to dress up sometimes, even just once a week on date nights. I don't want her to change everything about who she is. I don't want our marriage to get boring, stale, bland.
Do you take her out a lot? Like on dates? I never get dressed up because I have no reason to.
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We spend 2 hours together every night when the kids are in bed and we go out on dates once a week. She doesn't want to go anywhere nice because she has nothing to wear, doesn't want to buy anything and it's too expensive (frugal). I would be happy with her just dressing nice once a week on date night. I'm not looking for her to a do a full transformation into a different person.
You might try teaching her what you like to in the bedroom. She has no clue about what you want. Buy her lingerie; let her know how you enjoy seeing her. If she doesn't know the right way to touch you, show her. As she learns what you want, she will become "more sexy", at least in the bedroom.
Sexiness outside of the bedroom is another story, especially for working women. Make-up and styling her hair take time; she might not have time for that on every day, and you should be mindful of that.
In the end, I would hope that you find other things about your wife "sexy" that aren't necessarily physical. There are a lot of emotional aspects of "sex appeal", and overall, I think it's either there or it isn't.
It can be difficult to guide her in the bedroom. She is not up for experimenting with different things like sex anywhere other than the bed, roleplaying, new positions. It would be nice, but it's fine. At least I'm getting regular sex, I suppose. She is very submissive. The problem with trying to guide her is that she thinks it's not feeling good for me and that I've never enjoyed it or immediately jumps to not being as good as other women. I have to be very careful how I work and initiate things. It's my fault, really. She doesn't like to do things that I have done with other women, like sex in certain places, or certain acts. I caused that on my own so I have no one to blame but myself.
Her mornings are already rushed so I can understand that she wouldn't have time to do her hair and makeup before going to work. That's ok. I don't see her at work anyway.
Have you two worked through your infidelity? That hurts forever if it's not resolved. No wonder she thinks you want to have sex with someone else. You already proved through your actions that she wasn't/isn't enough for you. She's never going to shake that feeling if you don't continuously prove to her that you are faithful and only want her.
Tread very carefully. If you don't like her the way she is, she's going to think you will find someone else and based on what you wrote, she may be right. Do you think there is any reason for adultery?
How often do you take her out on dates? How often do you take her out of town just the two of you?
Make plans now for several dates. Have the babysitting set up and put the dates on both of your calendars. Also plan a weekend getaway for May or June.
I recommend that you take her out shopping, just the two of you, and ask her to find some date night clothes. Everything from dress and shoes to underwear. Have her choose outfits for several dates. Also buy her clothes to replace things that are old. She should have several pair of shoes for work and more for dressing up. Taking her out shopping at least quarterly would probably be a good idea.
I realize it's April, but you might keep in mind after Christmas sales and take her shopping on Boxing Day (December 26th). There are a ton of sales and still plenty of merchandise in the store the week after Christmas, but people are returning lots of things on Boxing Day, so that's a good day to start. The fact that everything is on sale may spur her on to thinking that it's a good time to stock up.
Do you know where she has her hair done? I recommend that you get her gift cards to that place every 6-8 weeks. Make sure it includes enough for manicure, pedicure, hair cut, color, and a decent tip for the staff. You treat her to this. Tell her it's because she is beautiful and you want to take good care of her. It's not that you want her to be beautiful. She is beautiful and you want to take good care of your beautiful wife.
In order for your wife to feel confident, especially if she is already shy, you must show her in word and in deed that you love her, she is the only one you ever want, and you are fully committed to her and her well being. If she doesn't believe that, she will always be afraid that she's not enough for you.
I technically have never been unfaithful to her, however she does not fully agree so the damage and feelings of inadequacy are the same. I have done some things, like showing her that I only want her, removing other women from my life, removing friends who encouraged a sleazy lifestyle, she has always had full access to my phone and computer if she felt the need to look - don't think she has in many years, we spend quality time together every day. We may not have done enough work on it.
I have no desire to be unfaithful to my wife. None. I have enough self control, respect and love for my wife that even if a situation presented itself I wouldn't even think about taking it. I am much happier and much more fulfilled being with my wife than I ever was when I was hooking up with other women. My wife may not be the only woman I've dated, kissed or had sex with, but she is the only woman I've loved. To me, that trumps everything else.
We spend usually 2 hours together every night after we put our kids to bed, and we go on a date once a week. Going out of town alone is harder, we haven't done so this year and I think once last year. Our son is still nursing and she hasn't wanted to leave him longer than 24 hours. My parents are going to take the kids for a few weekends this summer, hopefully. We do a family trip once a year (going down south, Europe, etc.). We try and learn something together but I haven't kept up at it. The most recent was archery. Sometimes I am not great at changing up our dates, doing what she wants to do or leaving the plan until the last minute. Or having our daily time always be quality time. My wife appreciates the time that we do spend together, it was a challenge in the beginning but all the time spent together really did help our relationship.
I am going to go shopping with her and encourage her to find some new clothes. I'll try and keep Boxing Day in mind. If she doesn't want to I'll just have to accept that. I do know where she gets her hair done. She hasn't had it even cut since last September, when I bought her a gift card to have it done before a wedding we had to go to. She had her hair cut and coloured, eyebrows done and nails. If I keep getting her gift cards she might keep it up.