I'm 4 years older than my wife. I met my wife in high school, she entered the year I was graduating. For about a year I flirted with her and got to know her. She was very shy and it took a lot of persuading. I saw it as a challenge and I didn't care that I took a year of working at it to get her clothes off. I was involved with other women and knew how to keep my wife interested and use her jealousy to my benefit. I toyed around with her and gave her enough to keep her around but we were not in a relationship. I didn't care what she wanted (a relationship) because I was getting what I wanted (sex) and kept her where I wanted her. She got pregnant at age 16/20, we still were not a couple. I kept seeing her, admittedly not as much. Like before, I kept seeing other women. The reason she got pregnant was because I got her drunk to try and loosen her up, the condom broke and I didn't tell her. Everyone at the high school my wife attended knew she was pregnant with my baby and knew she was just a "play thing" that was being led on. She was teased and harassed a lot and switched to online classes in the next term, I could have handled it better but instead did nothing. She always had a small group of friends, she was never popular but knew everyone and everyone knew her. I definitely failed her in that time. When our daughter was born I tried to be involved but wasn't as much as I should have been. When our daughter was 6 months old I had some sense knocked into me and started to get to know my wife as the mother of my child instead of a FWB. A while after (age 18/22) we (I; she always was) went exclusive and have been together for 7 years and married for 5. We have an 8 year old and 2 year old. For years I did a great job at making her feel like she wasn't good enough to commit to. When our daughter was born I did a great job at making her feel like she and our family still wasn't good enough or worth more than random hookups. I have tried to make that up to her but the past can never be erased.
That's right. The past, your behavior, your message to her that she was not worthy and too inadequate cannot be erased.
The women that I use to engage with were the types that always had their hair, makeup, nails done, always wore revealing clothing, put out. You're right that I don't want my wife to feel like I am trying to turn her into one of them. She already feels like she isn't good enough or doesn't compare. I try to compliment her a lot and reassure her that I want her and only her.
My wife is attractive. To be blunt, if she wasn't I wouldn't have had any interest in her many years ago. When I first saw her I was attracted to her, when I learned how shy she was it became a challenge for me to "get" her, when I "had" her I that is when I started to like who she was for more than just her body. No my finest moments but I can't change it now. You are right that if she had a different personality that blended in with the other women I saw, I probably wouldn't have focused on her so much. She has a lot of great qualities that other women I've known haven't come close to having. There was always something different about her that I wanted to figure out. I'm the lucky one that she wanted to and continues to want to be with me.
You sure are!
I'd just like her to dress up sometimes, even just once a week on date nights. I don't want her to change everything about who she is. I don't want our marriage to get boring, stale, bland.
Come on now let's be honest here. You are bored. You find your wife boring. You want excitement, you want challenge, you want new. M not beating you up on this. This is a common feeling in married people. It's transient though. Remember that. It's transient, not a permanent state of being. You have the power to change this without your wife doing a blessed thing different.
It can be difficult to guide her in the bedroom. She is not up for experimenting with different things like sex anywhere other than the bed, roleplaying, new positions. It would be nice, but it's fine. At least I'm getting regular sex, I suppose.
She is very submissive. The problem with trying to guide her is that she thinks it's not feeling good for me and that I've never enjoyed it or immediately jumps to not being as good as other women. I have to be very careful how I work and initiate things. It's my fault, really. She doesn't like to do things that I have done with other women, like sex in certain places, or certain acts. I caused that on my own so I have no one to blame but myself.
Again, not trying to beat you up but want you to notice that you are taking responsibility for having caused issues, but not taking responsibility for FIXING issues!
He vibe you're giving is that you want sex in new and exciting ways. But the vibe she feels from you is the same old same olde...she doesn't measure up, she isn't your first choice and the only reason you two are together is because you knocked her up. You've admitted this.
Why would a woman go to all the trouble of leaving her comfort zone, and being comfortable leaving said comfort zone, for the guy who married her because he knocked her up?
If you want sex in the car, you have to convince her you want HER right then right there. Big distinction between wanting HER and wanting sex. You've taught your wife that yo want sex through out your entire relationship. You've taught her that she is easily swapped out for any other piece of ass. You've taught her that you want to get your rocks off and she is the only available orifice....you being an upstanding man and being faithful now a days, you have no other option but her. Oooh yeah.... being the only choice available makes me hot! NOT!
My wife may not be the only woman I've dated, kissed or had sex with, but she is the only woman I've loved. To me, that trumps everything else.
BINGO! Yes it does! It trumps everything else. But your wife hasn't received the message that she is your only choice because she is the only one you love or have every loved. You need to give her that message. I've and over and over and over and then over and over again.
We spend usually 2 hours together every night after we put our kids to bed, and we go on a date once a week. Going out of town alone is harder, we haven't done so this year and I think once last year. Our son is still nursing and she hasn't wanted to leave him longer than 24 hours. My parents are going to take the kids for a few weekends this summer, hopefully. We do a family trip once a year (going down south, Europe, etc.). We try and learn something together but I haven't kept up at it. The most recent was archery. Sometimes I am not great at changing up our dates, doing what she wants to do or leaving the plan until the last minute. Or having our daily time always be quality time. My wife appreciates the time that we do spend together, it was a challenge in the beginning but all the time spent together really did help our relationship.
This is excellent! Very very good!
Ive been married almost 32 years and I wish I knew then:
1. Quality time means you are not talking about the kids, the house, or the family.
2. Taking couples only vacations are more important for your family than taking family vacations.
Raising little ones is totally consuming. So consuming it is easy to completely forget that we are a person beyond our role as parent. When we lose sight of who we are beyond our role as parent, we are unable to connect with our partner beyond their role as co-parent. The answer is to get physically away from the role as parent and for a lot of women that means out of the house, away from the kids, for at least several days. Because it takes a day or so to step out of the parent role and back into our other person. And in your wife's case, she never got to become the adult person because she was a mother long before she was an adult.
3. Hobbies, past times, finding meaning beyond parenting is absolutely vital. Not just for the marriage but for the whole person, who one day will lose the job of parent and be left with a whole, or a whole person they don't know too well.
I am going to go shopping with her and encourage her to find some new clothes. I'll try and keep Boxing Day in mind. If she doesn't want to I'll just have to accept that. I do know where she gets her hair done. She hasn't had it even cut since last September, when I bought her a gift card to have it done before a wedding we had to go to. She had her hair cut and coloured, eyebrows done and nails. If I keep getting her gift cards she might keep it up.
I like this idea, but I would like this idea a lot better if it took place during a vacation away from the kids.
You and your marriage are in a transition stage right now. You need to keep in mind that once your wife develops the sexual confidence you yearn for, she may look around and decide she'd rather have a man who makes her feel cherished instead of the man who makes her feel like she doesn't measure up to other women. Keep that in mind as you tweak her wardrobe and grooming.