My wife has no sex appeal - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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My wife has no sex appeal

I'd like to start this off by saying my wife is beautiful and I love her. I have no intention of forcing or pressuring her to change. She is a great wife, great mom and I'm lucky to have her.

My wife is the type of woman who wears leggings, a t-shirt and mismatched socks every day of her life. On a good day she puts on some skinny jeans and a t-shirt, maybe shorts if it's hot out. We met as teenagers and back then I didn't give a rats behind what she wore, as long as she would take it off . To work she wears scrubs, so between that and leggings I rarely see her in anything else. She wears the same pair of shoes until they are totally worn out.

My wife is 25 and has a great body. Even after 2 children she has no sign of ever being pregnant. If she were uncomfortable with her body I could understand why she is uncomfortable dressing up or upping her sex appeal. The only makeup my wife wears in foundation and mascara. On a good day she might throw on some lip chap. She never does her hair, instead always wears it down how it naturally sits. I have known her for 11 years and I have seen her will a full face of makeup and hair done once, for our wedding. The only jewelry she wears is her wedding rings.

We have talked about it and I try to encourage her to dress up or nice. Her excuse for not wanting to is that she doesn't have time to spend hours in front of the mirror, doesn't know how to do make up and her hair "sucks" for doing anything with. Everyone has to learn at some point. I have seen her in a dress 4 times, prom, our wedding, and both of our baby showers. And a handful of casual dresses for friends weddings.

I am not going to be an ******* and tell her that she has to start doing x, y and z. I want to encourage her to do it at least sometimes. When I ask to go out to a nice restaurant she says no because she has nothing to wear but doesn't want to go buy anything. She is beautiful without makeup, hair done and a sexy outfit, but sometimes it would be nice. I find that my eyes wander a lot.

Same goes for the bedroom, she doesn't know how to be sexy. I have told her that I don't like dirty talk, really I don't like it coming from her. It just sounds so unnatural. She isn't good at being sexy with her body, or taking charge. I have a more colorful sexual past than she does (I'm her only partner) and sometimes I miss the woman who did ooze sex appeal and who could get me going without even touching me.

Is there any way to encourage her? Or is this a suck it up and deal with it situation?
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post #2 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

How about a mommy day/weekend? You can treat her to a spa visit, follow up with a surprise outfit and date night.

She says she doesn't know how to do makeup and her hair sucks, both of which may be true. I don't blame her with regards to the make up, have you tried it? Seriously, I've sat down with how-to videos and it's still difficult. If she's that young with 2 kids, she hasn't even had the time to do that much less sit around trying to figure it out herself. Same goes for the hair. So again, how about you surprise her with a make-up class and a trip to a good hairdresser? You can find both of these options on groupon.

You know her size by now, try buying her something nice. Sites like asos (online store) will let you buy, try and return without much hassle.
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post #3 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

There was a TV show called "What not to wear" that ambushed people like your wife and did makeovers, and explained to them why it mattered. Perhaps you could find some of those (watch them yourself first) that make sense for you situation and watch those episodes with her. Maybe she'll get it, or you can use those as a starting point to discuss this with her further.

Change is possible. My wife wasn't very fashionable, being more the casual type with a wardrobe that usually ranged from kinda hippy-dippy to Baptist schoolmarm! LOL I influenced her over time, and now she can dress with the best of them and even walk (and dance) in high heels!

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #4 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Well, you can work on external appearances, but I don't know you'll be satisfied with the result. Already you've seen that the dirty talk doesn't work for you because it's so glaringly Not Who She Is.

What you're really after is a genuinely playful, knowing attitude born of sexual confidence. You can explain honestly what that is, and what a powerful effect it has on you, and if she's interested she may try to incorporate some of it. But if she feels devalued, invidiously compared, and not fundamentally accepted, then you'll be drawing battle lines in a power struggle.

Also, someone will be along to point out that you knew how she was when you got married, even though that doesn't really help you now.
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post #5 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Have you guys done the His Needs Her Needs workbook? One of the things it identifies is whether appearance is important as a need, and how high on the priority list it is. Maybe doing that together would be enough of a push in the right direction for her to start paying a bit more attention to herself?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #6 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Do you dress well yourself or you also in jeans and tshirt while expecting her to dress sexily.You will have to take charge here and it may cost you a few bucks.(Ok,quite a lot of bucks)Pick one of the big shopping malls and buy your wife a gift credit card with a One day time limit and send her clothes shopping,a grand should do it.Maybe book a personal stylist to accompany her on her shopping trip.Book her a late afternoon appointment with an upmarket hair salon and pay for all the extras,makeup,eyebrows,nails etc.Book a really fancy restaurant for that night and arrange for someone to look after your kids if necessary.
Do not take no for an answer.
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post #7 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Ok, what worked a little for my wife was the full spa day treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, hair and make-up). This happened first as a bonding experience with our daughter-in-law, then later with one of my wife's girl friends.

The second best way was when my wife and a stylish friend of hers went shopping and the friend taught my wife how to shop for clothes that flattered her. I complemented my wife. Later, I suggested she go shopping with her friend again.

In both cases you need to be totally out of the picture, except for money and your wife needs to be mentored by another woman.

Does your wife have any hot stylish women friends? If so suggest that you do a double date so you can meet the other woman's husband. If a friendship of sorts develops, great if not at least you will know them socially. At least then you can suggest to your wife some of the above things. Tell her she works hard and you feel she should pamper herself a little.

Good luck
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post #8 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
How about a mommy day/weekend? You can treat her to a spa visit, follow up with a surprise outfit and date night.

She says she doesn't know how to do makeup and her hair sucks, both of which may be true. I don't blame her with regards to the make up, have you tried it? Seriously, I've sat down with how-to videos and it's still difficult. If she's that young with 2 kids, she hasn't even had the time to do that much less sit around trying to figure it out herself. Same goes for the hair. So again, how about you surprise her with a make-up class and a trip to a good hairdresser? You can find both of these options on groupon.

You know her size by now, try buying her something nice. Sites like asos (online store) will let you buy, try and return without much hassle.
Sending her for a spa day might be a good idea. She has never gone before. I have offered but she hasn't wanted to. She is a person who will do anything for everyone else, but nothing for herself. She would rather spend that time, money, energy, with me and/or our kids. For birthdays and holidays she has never wanted anything, if she was given money from someone it was spent on us or the kids.

She was 17 when she had our first child, so I can understand that she missed out on a good chunk of her teenage years. I was older and almost done college so I didn't miss that time like she did. That also made her very frugal. Given the situation money was tight. We are very comfortable now and can afford the luxuries but she has always stayed in the mindset of "I'd rather take the kids _____ or put money in their college funds than spend X amount of money on clothes, expensive dates, hair, etc.". I appreciate that she isn't a woman (person) who blows money. Our youngest child is 2 and I love him dearly but TBH he is a little **** right now. My wife would appreciate some time away I'm sure.

Thank you for the idea to get her classes. I didn't know that existed but looked on Groupon and sure enough it does. Last September I gave her a gift card to a very nice salon and she had her hair cut and dyed, I will do that again as well. I can buy her an outfit as well. I have bought her lingerie and she had no problem wearing that so why I haven't bought an outfit I think she would look good in I have no idea. She's tiny so finding clothes to fit her is probably easy.

Thank-you.
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post #9 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Give your W a credit card with no limit and advise she does not return without an entire new wardrobe, pedicure, make-up and stop at the hairdressers.

Some days my W will say she can do nothing with her hair. However, everyday she does her make up and looks her best for me. She states that all the time. I reciprocate.

Concerning clothing, I go cloths shopping with my W. She likes my opinion. Perhaps take your W cloth shopping. When your W sees outfits you like her in she will make the purchase.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #10 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

She sounds like a mom. Being a mom is a beautiful but exhausting thing. Taking care of everyone else all of the time. Not all women want to wear make up and put a ton of product in their hair. I agree with suggestions on giving her a spa day to pamper herself. Tell her to buy 1 outfit so you can have a date night and go out to dinner. Accept her for who she is though.
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post #11 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
There was a TV show called "What not to wear" that ambushed people like your wife and did makeovers, and explained to them why it mattered. Perhaps you could find some of those (watch them yourself first) that make sense for you situation and watch those episodes with her. Maybe she'll get it, or you can use those as a starting point to discuss this with her further.

Change is possible. My wife wasn't very fashionable, being more the casual type with a wardrobe that usually ranged from kinda hippy-dippy to Baptist schoolmarm! LOL I influenced her over time, and now she can dress with the best of them and even walk (and dance) in high heels!
The funny thing is that my wife watches those shows occasionally. I think she cares about what she wears but not enough to do anything about it. I haven't made a huge deal out of it, I'm not going to be an *******.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phil Anders View Post
Well, you can work on external appearances, but I don't know you'll be satisfied with the result. Already you've seen that the dirty talk doesn't work for you because it's so glaringly Not Who She Is.

What you're really after is a genuinely playful, knowing attitude born of sexual confidence. You can explain honestly what that is, and what a powerful effect it has on you, and if she's interested she may try to incorporate some of it. But if she feels devalued, invidiously compared, and not fundamentally accepted, then you'll be drawing battle lines in a power struggle.

Also, someone will be along to point out that you knew how she was when you got married, even though that doesn't really help you now.
You are right that this is who I chose to marry. She was young, in school and there was a part of me that thought somewhere along the line she would... grow up, dress more like a woman? That's probably not the phrase I'm looking for but maybe you'll get it. I have talked to my wife once or twice about upping the sex appeal in the bedroom, she wasn't impressed and got upset. We have always had some problems with sexual histories. She has dated, kissed, had sex with, one guy. She was very shy in her younger years. I was on the other side of the spectrum and screwed anything that moved. We had a very rocky start to our relationship/parenting, as well. She is self-conscious about our past and my past and I have to tread carefully.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Have you guys done the His Needs Her Needs workbook? One of the things it identifies is whether appearance is important as a need, and how high on the priority list it is. Maybe doing that together would be enough of a push in the right direction for her to start paying a bit more attention to herself?
I haven't but I will look that up. I have not heard of it before. It might be a gentle push in the right direction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
Do you dress well yourself or you also in jeans and tshirt while expecting her to dress sexily.You will have to take charge here and it may cost you a few bucks.(Ok,quite a lot of bucks)Pick one of the big shopping malls and buy your wife a gift credit card with a One day time limit and send her clothes shopping,a grand should do it.Maybe book a personal stylist to accompany her on her shopping trip.Book her a late afternoon appointment with an upmarket hair salon and pay for all the extras,makeup,eyebrows,nails etc.Book a really fancy restaurant for that night and arrange for someone to look after your kids if necessary.
Do not take no for an answer.
I do dress well myself. I wouldn't expect her to if I was slobbing around (is that even a word?). I spend a nice chunk of change on clothing, hair and other upkeeps. My wife often compliments things that I wear so she does notice. Those are good ideas I will have to implement them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Ok, what worked a little for my wife was the full spa day treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, hair and make-up). This happened first as a bonding experience with our daughter-in-law, then later with one of my wife's girl friends.

The second best way was when my wife and a stylish friend of hers went shopping and the friend taught my wife how to shop for clothes that flattered her. I complemented my wife. Later, I suggested she go shopping with her friend again.

In both cases you need to be totally out of the picture, except for money and your wife needs to be mentored by another woman.

Does your wife have any hot stylish women friends? If so suggest that you do a double date so you can meet the other woman's husband. If a friendship of sorts develops, great if not at least you will know them socially. At least then you can suggest to your wife some of the above things. Tell her she works hard and you feel she should pamper herself a little.

Good luck
The spa day seems to be a popular choice. That's good, and easy for me to do. My wife has very few close friends. She has work friends and mom friends but she rarely goes out just to go out with friends. She lost most of her friends after having a teenage pregnancy and didn't get them back. Going shopping with a well dressed friend is a good idea, but probably not an option for her. Another poster suggested a stylist, that may be an option if we have that available here.

Last edited by seek&find; 04-18-2017 at 02:55 PM. Reason: spelling
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post #12 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:51 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Don't feel bad, a least your wife didn't gain 100 lbs and have no intention of losing any of it. We have talked about her unwillingness to exercise but she just doesn't want to. My daughters try to get her to wear makeup and look a little nicer but she doesn't want to do that either. She doesn't care that she's not attractive and it doesn't seem to bother her. I really don't understand that either because when she was 25 shortly after we got married she was an absolute knockout. My guess is that she's settled in life, has what she set out to have and doesn't care about pleasing others any more.

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post #13 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Oh, by the way, I also would like you to know that your thread has made me realize that I haven't been paying enough attention to my appearance lately. Our anniversary is this weekend and I haven't given a single thought to what to wear, as usual, and if I don't I will end up wearing something I really don't want to. So I am making a point to look good for my husband when we go out. I will start by modeling the dresses I have (he likes me in a dress and I NEVER wear them) for him so he can let me know what looks good. I also will give myself a haircut (i've let my hair go lately - it's due for a cut!) and make sure I use some make up.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #14 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

Quote:
Originally Posted by seek&find View Post
Sending her for a spa day might be a good idea. She has never gone before. I have offered but she hasn't wanted to. She is a person who will do anything for everyone else, but nothing for herself. She would rather spend that time, money, energy, with me and/or our kids. For birthdays and holidays she has never wanted anything, if she was given money from someone it was spent on us or the kids.

She was 17 when she had our first child, so I can understand that she missed out on a good chunk of her teenage years. I was older and almost done college so I didn't miss that time like she did. That also made her very frugal. Given the situation money was tight. We are very comfortable now and can afford the luxuries but she has always stayed in the mindset of "I'd rather take the kids _____ or put money in their college funds than spend X amount of money on clothes, expensive dates, hair, etc.". I appreciate that she isn't a woman (person) who blows money. Our youngest child is 2 and I love him dearly but TBH he is a little **** right now. My wife would appreciate some time away I'm sure.

Thank you for the idea to get her classes. I didn't know that existed but looked on Groupon and sure enough it does. Last September I gave her a gift card to a very nice salon and she had her hair cut and dyed, I will do that again as well. I can buy her an outfit as well. I have bought her lingerie and she had no problem wearing that so why I haven't bought an outfit I think she would look good in I have no idea. She's tiny so finding clothes to fit her is probably easy.

Thank-you.
This is the norm for many moms OP. My parents had 6 kids beginning at 18. I have never ever seen my mom buy anything for herself outside of shoes and uniforms for work. I have never seen her go out except on a couple occasions when her sisters visited from another country. The only times she's worn makeup is when we were old enough to buy our own and forced her to let us put it on her. The only time I've seen her in a dress/heels is when she's heading to church. To this day she has zero hobbies because she never had time to do anything outside of working/raising us. I'm pretty sure my father would say she has zero sex appeal too.

Don't let this be your wife. The advice you're receiving here should help you avoid that.
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post #15 of 64 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: My wife has no sex appeal

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Originally Posted by seek&find View Post
The funny thing is that my wife watches those shows occasionally. I think she cares about what she wears but not enough to do anything about it. I haven't made a huge deal out of it, I'm not going to be an *******.



You are right that this is who I chose to marry. She was young, in school and there was a part of me that thought somewhere along the line she would... grow up, dress more like a woman? That's probably not the phrase I'm looking for but maybe you'll get it. I have talked to my wife once or twice about upping the sex appeal in the bedroom, she wasn't impressed and got upset. We have always had some problems with sexual histories. She has dated, kissed, had sex with, one guy. She was very shy in her younger years. I was on the other side of the spectrum and screwed anything that moved. We had a very rocky start to our relationship/parenting, as well. She is self-conscious about our past and my past and I have to tread carefully.



I haven't but I will look that up. I have not heard of it before. It might be a gentle push in the right direction.



I do dress well myself. I wouldn't expect her to if I was slobbing around (is that even a word?). I spend a nice chunk of change on clothing, hair and other upkeeps. My wife often compliments things that I wear so she does notice. Those are good ideas I will have to implement them.



The spa day seems to be a popular choice. That's good, and easy for me to do. My wife has very few close friends. She has work friends and mom friends but she rarely goes out just to go out with friends. Going shopping with a well dressed friend is a good idea, but probably not an option for her. Another poster suggested a stylist, that may be an option if we have that available here.
Most of the large established women's clothes shops have personal stylists and if not there are plenty of them available.Just google personal shoppers and you will be inundated with names.
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