Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
There was a TV show called "What not to wear" that ambushed people like your wife and did makeovers, and explained to them why it mattered. Perhaps you could find some of those (watch them yourself first) that make sense for you situation and watch those episodes with her. Maybe she'll get it, or you can use those as a starting point to discuss this with her further.
Change is possible. My wife wasn't very fashionable, being more the casual type with a wardrobe that usually ranged from kinda hippy-dippy to Baptist schoolmarm! LOL I influenced her over time, and now she can dress with the best of them and even walk (and dance) in high heels!
The funny thing is that my wife watches those shows occasionally. I think she cares about what she wears but not enough to do anything about it. I haven't made a huge deal out of it, I'm not going to be an *******.
Well, you can work on external appearances, but I don't know you'll be satisfied with the result. Already you've seen that the dirty talk doesn't work for you because it's so glaringly Not Who She Is.
What you're really after is a genuinely playful, knowing attitude born of sexual confidence. You can explain honestly what that is, and what a powerful effect it has on you, and if she's interested she may try to incorporate some of it. But if she feels devalued, invidiously compared, and not fundamentally accepted, then you'll be drawing battle lines in a power struggle.
Also, someone will be along to point out that you knew how she was when you got married, even though that doesn't really help you now.
You are right that this is who I chose to marry. She was young, in school and there was a part of me that thought somewhere along the line she would... grow up, dress more like a woman? That's probably not the phrase I'm looking for but maybe you'll get it. I have talked to my wife once or twice about upping the sex appeal in the bedroom, she wasn't impressed and got upset. We have always had some problems with sexual histories. She has dated, kissed, had sex with, one guy. She was very shy in her younger years. I was on the other side of the spectrum and screwed anything that moved. We had a very rocky start to our relationship/parenting, as well. She is self-conscious about our past and my past and I have to tread carefully.
Have you guys done the His Needs Her Needs workbook? One of the things it identifies is whether appearance is important as a need, and how high on the priority list it is. Maybe doing that together would be enough of a push in the right direction for her to start paying a bit more attention to herself?
I haven't but I will look that up. I have not heard of it before. It might be a gentle push in the right direction.
Do you dress well yourself or you also in jeans and tshirt while expecting her to dress sexily.You will have to take charge here and it may cost you a few bucks.(Ok,quite a lot of bucks)Pick one of the big shopping malls and buy your wife a gift credit card with a One day time limit and send her clothes shopping,a grand should do it.Maybe book a personal stylist to accompany her on her shopping trip.Book her a late afternoon appointment with an upmarket hair salon and pay for all the extras,makeup,eyebrows,nails etc.Book a really fancy restaurant for that night and arrange for someone to look after your kids if necessary.
Do not take no for an answer.
I do dress well myself. I wouldn't expect her to if I was slobbing around (is that even a word?). I spend a nice chunk of change on clothing, hair and other upkeeps. My wife often compliments things that I wear so she does notice. Those are good ideas I will have to implement them.
Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
Ok, what worked a little for my wife was the full spa day treatment (massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, hair and make-up). This happened first as a bonding experience with our daughter-in-law, then later with one of my wife's girl friends.
The second best way was when my wife and a stylish friend of hers went shopping and the friend taught my wife how to shop for clothes that flattered her. I complemented my wife. Later, I suggested she go shopping with her friend again.
In both cases you need to be totally out of the picture, except for money and your wife needs to be mentored by another woman.
Does your wife have any hot stylish women friends? If so suggest that you do a double date so you can meet the other woman's husband. If a friendship of sorts develops, great if not at least you will know them socially. At least then you can suggest to your wife some of the above things. Tell her she works hard and you feel she should pamper herself a little.
The spa day seems to be a popular choice. That's good, and easy for me to do. My wife has very few close friends. She has work friends and mom friends but she rarely goes out just to go out with friends. She lost most of her friends after having a teenage pregnancy and didn't get them back. Going shopping with a well dressed friend is a good idea, but probably not an option for her. Another poster suggested a stylist, that may be an option if we have that available here.