My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so.
So not sure what my problem is ???
Totally obvious what your problem is:
1) chemically you have no sex drive
2) you don't want a sex drive, because your husband's needs are not a priority?
3) you are so unconcerned about your loving husband you aren't even able to get out of your comfort zone enough to see a doctor or therapist. I personally think a doctor is who you need to see in order to get your libedo back. May be impossible. But find out.
You have no idea how this is utterly gutting your husband on a daily basis. He is such a good man that he doesn't even let you know that he is crushed over this. Or he has no sex drive, either.
Go see a doctor.
I wanted to add: What you look like to YOU, and what you look like to your husband are totally different things. Is your Mom or Dad alive?
Are they ugly to you? Do you see them like you did when you were a kid? Do they not seem all that old to you?
That's how your husband who LOVES you sees you. He sees you like you were when you married. I am very serious about this. My ex wife was 226 lbs. after she had our 2nd child. I never noticed. She was heavier, but she was her. I still basically saw her as I did the whole time we were married. (she cheated--hence the EX part).
You have got to get past this self image thing and give your husband some intimacy like he needs and deserves.