I hate sex but LOVE my husband - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.
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post #17 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

If you are really insecure with your body, go ask your husband about the possibility of having a "mommy makeover". Budget $10-15K for a boob lift/enlargement, lipo, tummy tuck, etc. It could be the best money you'll ever spend if it fixes your self esteem issues. I guarantee it he will fully support you. Having kids does a handful on some women's bodies and plastic surgery is the only way to get it back to the way it was.

But get in the best shape possible prior. Lose all the fat you can. A healthy diet and intense exercise for 6 months will get you there.
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post #18 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Thank you BrooklynAnn:-)
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post #19 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
You say you love your husband, and I believe you. Well then you have to have some courage for him. This isn't really about your husband it's about you. Something is up. You should fix this, first of all for you, but also for him. This could make you closer and you stronger as a couple. Men feel love through sex, men bond through sex. As a man I can not impress upon you how fundamentally important it is for us. Imagine your husband never held you, or told you he loved you. In a lot of ways this is what it feels like. He can't have that if his wife won't give the to him.

I know this is scary but there are people on here who were raped and are trying to overcome those challenges. You can do this. This is probably more common then you think. You have taken the first steps by posting here, but you should try to have courage for him and get some help to overcome what seems to be a phobia that you have.
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post #20 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

My husband has a high sex drive, mine is zero.

You had better DO SOMETHING about that, before he is not your husband anymore. Have you considered Hormone Replacement Therapy? Like in bio-identical seeds?

Even IF you are not in the mood, what are you doing to take care of HIS MOOD?
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post #21 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Hello,
I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
Help please
The difference between a man and a women "sexwise", is this:

A man has something "in him" that demands release.

It is something that cannot be suppressed.

An urge so powerful, some men would rape and pillage to rid themselves of "THIS".

It is a Seaman in a small boat. One riding out a vicious storm. He is being bashed and bucked. His bones hurt to the core.

His only escape is to dive into the warm sea. Into that viscous warm fold that holds him tight.

He swims down as far as his arms can reach.

And he vomits out his urging juices with delight.

And he collapses in ecstasy.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #22 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so.

So not sure what my problem is ???
Totally obvious what your problem is:
1) chemically you have no sex drive
2) you don't want a sex drive, because your husband's needs are not a priority?
3) you are so unconcerned about your loving husband you aren't even able to get out of your comfort zone enough to see a doctor or therapist. I personally think a doctor is who you need to see in order to get your libedo back. May be impossible. But find out.

You have no idea how this is utterly gutting your husband on a daily basis. He is such a good man that he doesn't even let you know that he is crushed over this. Or he has no sex drive, either.

Go see a doctor.

I wanted to add: What you look like to YOU, and what you look like to your husband are totally different things. Is your Mom or Dad alive?
Are they ugly to you? Do you see them like you did when you were a kid? Do they not seem all that old to you?
That's how your husband who LOVES you sees you. He sees you like you were when you married. I am very serious about this. My ex wife was 226 lbs. after she had our 2nd child. I never noticed. She was heavier, but she was her. I still basically saw her as I did the whole time we were married. (she cheated--hence the EX part).
You have got to get past this self image thing and give your husband some intimacy like he needs and deserves.

Last edited by Evinrude58; 04-19-2017 at 10:53 AM.
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post #23 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
It's no different than going to your ObGyn... Perhaps you can start with your ObGyn at a high level and see what he or she says, possible physical causes and treatments, and if needed, a referral.
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post #24 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
There is no growth without discomfort.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #25 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
Is it shame about talking about sex, or is it the perceived stigma of speaking to a therapist?

You've acknowledged there's a problem. Look at it from the standpoint that someone has an answer to your problem, but they can't give you that answer unless you first ask them.

If you do decide to speak to someone, make sure it's a sex therapist, not just a counselor. They do completely different things.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #26 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.

This is baffling to me. You would prefer your husband live the rest of his life sexless because you are not "comfortable " trying to fix the problem.

That seems very selfish of you.

If you don't have sex with your husband and if you don't make an effort to fix this, don't be surprised if he leaves you or cheats.

Not want you want to hear, but it is the risk you take.
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post #27 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

When did your dislike for sex begin?

Can you give us an insight to the thoughts going on in your head when you have sex with your husband or when he initiates sex with you?

For the record - I believe that you love and adore your husband, yet don't like having sex. I can relate to what you are describing.

I think a good sex therapist could help you. As already mentioned - your brain is your biggest sex organ. You just need to understand and learn about the connection and how your brain can help AND how it can halt your sexual feelings. I suspect that right now - its halting them for some reason.

You have at least two things going for you.

1. You can have orgasms when you masturbate. That means you are capable of sexual feelings.

2. You realize that there is a problem and you are looking for help! Good for you!!!

That is way farther than many women get! So ignore any posters that give you a hard time and keep moving forward. This particular problem IS fixable - and totally in your control!!! But you are going to have to do the work! Start with researching sex therapists in your area. Do it today! Google ASSECT

Last edited by mary35; 04-19-2017 at 11:24 AM.
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post #28 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Hello,

I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
He finds it difficult because the longer you go without sex, the more easily he's turned on. If you were having sex frequently, cuddling with you wouldn't be so erotic to him and he wouldn't want sex immediately since his body knows he will eventually (within days) have a sexual release. But continued cuddling and holding without a chance of sexual release? No thanks.

As for not connecting sex with love, remember this... women need love for sex, men need sex for love.
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post #29 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
Might look into a therapist.
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My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.

Menopause can often times kill the sex drive that was hormonally driven. IOW, if your sex drive had been prompted by hormones, and those hormones are no longer present, your sex drive is no longer present.

I take it hormone replacement therapy is off the table due to the history of cancer? If not, talk to your GYN. I experienced my once "off the charts" libido take a nose dive over the course of a month once full menopause hit. Couldn't even orgasm anymore! Started hormone replacement and orgasms returned but my libido is now on the low side of average.

There is a big difference between wanting to have sex and being hormonally driven to want sex.

It's like chocolate cake. If you like sex and like chocolate cake this analogy fits:
You're hungry and there is a chocolate cake on the counter so you cut a slice and enjoy it.
You're not hungry but someone puts a slice of chocolate cake in front of you so you enjoy it.

But you're saying you no longer like chocolate cake, even though you fantasize about your husband's baking skills?

Why do you hate sex? Do you no longer enjoy sex at all? Do you orgasm? I've asked these before but you didn't answer. The answers are pretty important.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #30 of 83 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

This is a nightmare scenario for any husband. Men give and receive love and affection and acceptance and connection etc through their sexualities. If the sexuality isn't there for them, then the love, affection, connection etc isn't either.

Sexuality is what makes our special someone "special." It is what separates our special someone, that we would run into a burning building for and that we would jump in front of a bullet for, from all the rest.

This is a very serious issue so please do not take it lightly. You may not experience the 'need' for sexuality like he does, but trust men, it is there and it is very real for him.

You are at great risk of him not only disconnecting from you emotionally and having you become just another woman, or even worse where he builds up resentment and bitterness towards you. Men will become resentful and bitter towards their frigid wives in time because as long as he is yoked to her, he is unable to pursue another relationship with someone who would desire him (unless he cheats of course, which becomes a huge and very real risk)

If you want to know how a female would feel in similarly devastating scenario for a woman, imagine your husband posting a thread titled - "I love sex but hate my wife." Then imagine that he goes on to post that he hates his wife and feels no love or affection or closeness to her, but she has sex with him and he likes the sensation of ejaculating into her.

- that's how a man feels when a woman likes the comforts of home and companionship with a man, but does not have any sexual interest in him.

I am with all the other posters in that if you want to remain married and have it be a healthy, happy marriage for BOTH of you, you must get professional help.

Yes, it may be embarrassing to discuss something this personal, but I guarantee you, you are at risk of him coming home one day, handing you divorce papers to sign and giving you the weekend to move out so that his new woman can move her stuff in. That will feel kind of awkward and embarrassing too.
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