I hate sex but LOVE my husband - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 206Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 824
mary35 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:40 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.

They likely could help, as they are trained and experienced in talking to clients about these very issues. I talk to sex therapists in my industry and one recently told me that sex after illness, including cancer, is a major reason why couples come to sex therapy. That's what strikes me most in your post since it sounds like the marriage is very strong otherwise.

Good for you for investigating options- it sounds like you really want to improve this area with your husband.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Jessica38 is offline  
post #33 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 231
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Also, you mentioned your body image hangups, but what about your husband? Has he changed over the years physically that is turning you off? Has he gained 50+lbs since you used to go at it like rabbits? Has he let himself go and is slovenly and unkempt? Bo? bad breath? Brown teeth?

Has he become passive and lazy? Does he sit in front of the tv scarfing chips and beer until the middle of the night and then stumbles into the bedroom wanting some action?

Does he have any kind of drug or alcohol problem?

Had he been abusive in any way?

Has he committed any kind of adultery or had any kind of inappropriate interactions with other women?

Any huge fights, episodes of him being real mean to you or times of gross neglect?


Would any other woman of your caliber be interested in him sexually at all or would they think the thought of sex with him would be repugnant as well?
oldshirt is online now  
post #34 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:00 PM
Member
 
Anon Pink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10,344
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
Also, you mentioned your body image hangups, but what about your husband? Has he changed over the years physically that is turning you off? Has he gained 50+lbs since you used to go at it like rabbits? Has he let himself go and is slovenly and unkempt? Bo? bad breath? Brown teeth?

Has he become passive and lazy? Does he sit in front of the tv scarfing chips and beer until the middle of the night and then stumbles into the bedroom wanting some action?

Does he have any kind of drug or alcohol problem?

Had he been abusive in any way?

Has he committed any kind of adultery or had any kind of inappropriate interactions with other women?

Any huge fights, episodes of him being real mean to you or times of gross neglect?


Would any other woman of your caliber be interested in him sexually at all or would they think the thought of sex with him would be repugnant as well?

Had to laugh because the one thing that helped me the most in getting over my irrational neurotic body image was....my husband's giant belly. His belly never stopped him from wearing a bathing suit or wanting sex. Never. And yet I was this neurotic woman in a size 8 who was absolutely convinced I was hideous. Still, to this day, when those neurotic thoughts hit I look at my husband and most other men my age and think "Comparatively, I've still got it!"

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
Anon Pink is offline  
post #35 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,105
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

I am going to approach this from a much different direction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so.

So not sure what my problem is ???
Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
Might look into a therapist.
You say that your H has a high sexual drive. Unless you and your H are having some kind of regular and frequent non-intercourse-sex, something about what you have posted just doesn't seem right.

I can understand how menopause, chemo, age, and a host of other things has harmed your self-image. It would take great courage for that not to be the case. However, I know that my wife of 46 years looks so desirable and sexy to me even if she doesn't feel that way. I would not trade her curvy mature body for that of a 25 year old stripper, because I love her. I would wager that your husband feels the same way.

Now do go with your H to a sex therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training. One saved my marriage.

One of the things that I learned in undoing my sex starved marriage was that it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to destroy a marriage. You may feel that you love your husband and you fantasize about sex with him, but you just don't like sex in reality. However, the real issues is why isn't your husband working with you to make you feel comfortable and safe enough to have sex with him? He can't change you, but he can provide a nurturing environment where you can change yourself.

However, like any change, you have to want to change. He also has to support you in that change.

My fear is that there is some kind of dance going on between the two of you where you either are actively or have historically conditioned each other so that you dislike the act of sex with your husband. A good sex therapist should be able to cut through that and find ways for the two of you to reconnect physically with each other.

Think of Pavlov's dog. Couples condition each other in all kinds of ways to like and dislike certain things. You and your H probably during the previous years have been training each other in all kinds of dysfunctional ways. It is now time to reverse some of that conditioning. I would not be surprised to learn that while you were in cancer treatment, your loving H probably promised himself that if you lived he would never pester your for sex again and that he would do everything he could for you.

I would like to suggest in addition to going to a sex therapist with your H, that you sit down with your H and ask him if he would like you to be more sexual with him. Tell him that you fantasize about sex with him, but that you find it hard to go from fantasy to reality and you need his help to make it happen. Tell him that you will need to go slow and have him support you in your changing yourself so that you can have a stronger marriage. Tell him that is why you want the two of you to go to a top rated sex therapist.

In the mean time I would suggest that you look up what Sensate Focus exercises are and try them with your H.

I would also suggest that you and your H talk about his fantasies and see if there are any you can accommodate. I would suggest that such a conversation start out with you talking about your wanting to have sex with your H is your fantasy. Tell him that you hope it is a fantasy that will not cross any of your H's personal boundaries. Then tell him how much you love him and would like to know if there any of his fantasies that he would share with you. (Understand that his sharing any fantasies will make him very vulnerable to embarrassment and criticism.) Tell him that you will not judge him (and mean and act like it) and that you will seriously consider them and research them, but can't promise him you will do them as they may cross your boundaries. Tell hime you would like to know what they are and see if you might not want to explore some of them with him through role playing, depending on what they are and that some of them depending on what they are may just always be fantasies.

Good luck to you.
Young at Heart is offline  
post #36 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:20 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,921
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

That doesn't work for many men, in fact it can be extremely frustrating to be cuddled up next to the person you love and desire but not be able to have sex.

I have this issue with my wife. I love cuddling but if I'm staved for sex its just miserable. When we are having a reasonable amount of sex though, cuddling (without sex) is great.

For many people love and sexual desire are intimately tied together, they can't separate them. If you kill their sexual desire, you will kill their love.

You mention that you masturbate sometimes. Stop. Masturbation is absolutely fine, but you are using it for sexual release and rejecting your husband. What sexual desire /energy you have should be directed towards him.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
snip
I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
snip
uhtred is offline  
post #37 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 01:25 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,921
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

OP, is there some part of this picture that we are missing.
You love your husband. You fantasize about sex with him. You masturbate to orgasm when you want. But you don't want actual sex.

What is different about your fantasies of sex and the reality?

Do you orgasm when you have sex with your husband? If not is it because he is unwilling / unable too do thin things that work for you, or does it just not happen for some other reason.

Is there anything about him physically or about his behavior that turns you off? Is he a good person who works and does a fair share of chores etc?

Do you or have you ever watched pornography?

Is there anything else relevant going on? Did either of you have a affair? Sexual abuse?


What is strangest to me is that you fantasize about sex with him but don't want it in reality.
uhtred is offline  
post #38 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 06:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Hudson Valley, New York State
Posts: 636
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

My wife just had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. She does not want me cuddling her. She makes me wear my undies and sweats to bed, and puts the dog between us.

She teases me relentlessly. But she knows cuddling would be a disaster. It would be too hard on us to avoid sex if we cuddle.

But then, she's so horny she's climbing the walls. She has to constantly slap her own hand away from her crotch.

We think the suggestion you actually don't like your husband any more even though you say you do has validity. The social imperative to love your husband trumps your willingness to be truthful. That's what we see.

Good luck.
WilliamM is offline  
post #39 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:14 PM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,835
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamM View Post
My wife just had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. She does not want me cuddling her. She makes me wear my undies and sweats to bed, and puts the dog between us.

She teases me relentlessly. But she knows cuddling would be a disaster. It would be too hard on us to avoid sex if we cuddle.

But then, she's so horny she's climbing the walls. She has to constantly slap her own hand away from her crotch.

We think the suggestion you actually don't like your husband any more even though you say you do has validity. The social imperative to love your husband trumps your willingness to be truthful. That's what we see.

Good luck.
If she truly didn't like her husband anymore, I don't believe she'd be having dreams of sex with him. Dreams bring out the truth behind what you're actually feeling.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is online now  
post #40 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 08:16 PM
Member
 
Anon Pink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10,344
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamM View Post
My wife just had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. She does not want me cuddling her. She makes me wear my undies and sweats to bed, and puts the dog between us.

She teases me relentlessly. But she knows cuddling would be a disaster. It would be too hard on us to avoid sex if we cuddle.

But then, she's so horny she's climbing the walls. She has to constantly slap her own hand away from her crotch.

We think the suggestion you actually don't like your husband any more even though you say you do has validity. The social imperative to love your husband trumps your willingness to be truthful. That's what we see.

Good luck.

Note to self: under no circumstances agree to a hysterectomy without serious opioids for popped stiches.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
Anon Pink is offline  
post #41 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:07 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 6,056
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Having a sex drive is one thing. Your actions are another. They're not dependent on each other. Anyway you can say you love your husband, even feel it and believe it. But love is in the actions. Avoiding sex is evidence that your words don't match your actions. Your happiness is more important to you than his. That's love of self or love of circumstances but not love of him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #42 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Hudson Valley, New York State
Posts: 636
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Fozzy, dreams are dreams. They may or may not have meaning.

But I do believe she wants to desire her husband. So she dreams about it. In her dreams he is the man who turns her on. But dreams are what we want them to be, unless they are nightmares of course.

Dreams may or may not mean anything, but I am sure they don't mean she is happy with the real husband she has. She may be happy with the dream husband she meets with in her dreams, sure. The real husband may not compare well with that dream husband. She can't admit that, because it goes against what she believes.

That's how I see it.

You really think her dream husband is her real husband?

You can't really tell anything from dreams, though.
WilliamM is offline  
post #43 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 02:10 AM
Administrator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,803
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
Sex therapists know that most people are very uncomfortable talking about these things. So a good one will know how to put you at ease. The first thing that happens between client and therapist is to build trust so that you can open up to them. Maybe look for one who is a woman close to your own age.

You have to do something because this will hurt your marriage. If you truly love your husband, you will do what is needed to get your desire for sex back. And it is completely possible to do this.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #44 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 03:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 75
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.
People aren't trying to help you pinpoint what changed and when. That's your key.

If it helps, I'm married to your twin. We were in the same boat as you guys a while back. We're still married and living together. We still get along. But the marriage finally died. We're now your typical passionless couple. When there was still a chance in our relationship and I was giving it a try, and she was pretending to be giving it a try, the sex was actually pretty good. For ME anyhow. But my wife had what I was SURE was body issues due to weight. As much as I was SURE she was trying to WANT to want sex, I could tell she wasn't into it (before you jump on me, she won't LET ME perform oral sex on her. See body issue statement above). All, I'm pretty sure, because of her "hatred for her body".

And I could be wrong. There could be 1,000 reasons that she hates sex with me, but we're not talking about me or her. Or you. We're talking about your husband. I enjoyed reading about how much you love him. That fascinates me. I'd have been the first one to board the "you don't love him any more" train. I'm sure I'd have been elected honorary conductor, even. The train would get full. We'd have to add extra cars. So many people thinking the same thing. I wonder what hubs is thinking...?

So. How do we avoid MY fate in YOUR household? By getting you to take that fantasy to reality. And it'll be easy, I can guarantee it.

I'm a pig. Let's get that out of the way. When the lights were out and I needed to get going, there was probably a better chance that a Playboy era Jenny McCarthy was in my head than my (then) loving wife. But when we got going, and I thought she loved me as much as I loved her, guess who replaced Jenny and Rhianna in my head? That's right. I'm thinking of how much I freakin' LOVE this woman and I'll do ANYTHING to please her. Fat and all. But she couldn't come around (no pun intended). I knew it. She knew it. We knew each other knew it. She'd still tell me she loved me, all the time. But I could tell. Again, I wonder what YOUR hubs is thinking right now.

Anyhow, he doesn't give a crap about what you look like. He just wonders if you really DO love him. Right were I was a while ago. And I can tell you EXACTLY what would have turned me around and saved my marriage:

If I did a Vulcan mind meld purely for the purpose of finding out if she really loved me or not, and then found out she loved me as much as you love your husband. But your husband is not a Vulcan, so all you can do is take away the one thing that is getting him to think you don't love him.


You can get yourself off in 1 minute (55 years old and I just find out that's possible, but I digress).
You can get horny thinking of your husband.
When you are laying in bed horny and about to get off, tap your husband on the shoulder and get him to roll over on his back. Suck him hard and ride him like a bronce 'till you cum. Then say "sorry I had to wake you, but I really needed that".

Hug him, kiss him, and go to sleep.

I can't help you with his lack of interest in cuddling afterwards. Maybe if I got sex like THAT, even once, I'd do all the cuddling I need to do to keep it coming.

Anyhoo...everybody is confusing me with some idiot that used to have a similar name, so I'll get shot down. But just remember: I AM YOUR HUSBAND!!!
TheRealMcCoy is offline  
post #45 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 07:40 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,713
Cool Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Hello,
New to this site. I want to share a problem I have, I actually do not understand it at all myself, this has been going on a few years now.
I am happily married, 28 years and we have been together for 32 years. We have 3 grown up children all still living at home and all with great jobs.
I cannot stress enough that I actually love my husband to bits, we have a great marriage. My husband makes me laugh all the time, we thrive on humour. But when it comes to sex, I hate it so much. I try to avoid it as much as I can. My husband can see that I hate it. I just don't get the need for it, I know that is a stupid thing to say.
I'm not sure if it's to do with my self esteem, which is very low. I hate my body with a passion. I had cancer 3 years ago. My husband was by my side the whole time, took over looking after the house, daughter helped where dinner and food was concerned, was just overwhelmed by them. It took me 2 years before I was 100% well. My husband came to me and expressed how scared he was about losing me. But I cannot seem to connect sexually, in the beginning definitely yes.
Why am I like this ?
My husband always tells me he loves me, has a pet name for me that everybody knows and everybody always says we are cute even after 32 years we are still like this.
Please do not say I have fallen out of love, I read other posts over the net where people have suggested this, it's definitely not the case here which really baffles me.
My husband has a high sex drive, mine is zero.
I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
Help please
No better reason than to get into counseling and sexual therapy with your loving husband!

You, your husband, and your long-term marriage are so much worth it!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome