I hate sex but LOVE my husband - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 193Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:12 AM
Member
 
23cm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The South
Posts: 70
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

OP has left the building?
23cm is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:28 AM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,464
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

OP do you have sex with your husband at all? How often?

Sometimes the longer women go without Sex the more they don't need it. When they have it they remember they actually like it. I'm not sure if you fit this bill or not.

https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20

This is my favorite ted talk called Sex starved marriage, I think it really helps us women see what Sex actually means to our husbands. Please watch it
katiecrna is offline  
post #48 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:48 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
OP do you have sex with your husband at all? How often?

Sometimes the longer women go without Sex the more they don't need it. When they have it they remember they actually like it. I'm not sure if you fit this bill or not.
This is true for me, and from what I've learned from The Sex Doctors, there's scientific evidence behind it. Women make testosterone when they have sex, and T is cumulative, so the more you have it, the more likely you are to desire it.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #49 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 09:36 PM
Member
 
FrazzledSadHusband's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 479
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

This blogger has some good articles on dealing with self image & explaining how your husband needs to see your body.

https://forgivenwife.com/

https://forgivenwife.com/body-image-got-you-down/
FrazzledSadHusband is offline  
post #50 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 03:20 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Sorry but I actually don't understand your comment at all ????
It's not so much a dream, it's when I do think of sex it is actually with my actual husband, not somebody else I wish him to be.
I do think the fault lies with me.
But when you have 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, busy raising what seemed at some point raising triplets because they were so close in age, not leaving much time or too tired for anything else.
Now my children are 25, 24 and turning 23 all living at home, one with a girlfriend. Now I have elderly in laws living right next door and I'm their carer and also cook for them as well.
I organised with my adult kids that Friday & Saturday nights I no longer look after them food wise, because they were never home these nights. So I really loved the idea of looking after just my husband. Now my in laws came along recently and I organise dinners for them on a Fri & sat night and take it to them, the rest of the week they walk over and eat with us every night.
My husband has taken me away twice overnight since last Christmas and what I noticed was I felt aroused..... no kids , no looking after in laws... just me and him. It was like I was released and free.
I actually think OF MY HUSBAND AND I LOVE HIM TO BITS !!
People who know reckon we are well suited. We are always at each in a fun way, we are always doing weird funny things just like we were 20 years old, I cannot explain or stress this enough.
I went to visit my mum overnight who lives 2 hours away, we don't do valentine's, we just think it's too commercialized now. But I came back after spending 2 days with my mum, one being valentine's and my husband did an amazing thing. I walked into the house and there was a sign on the wall with a message and a stuffed animal, walked further , another message, stuffed toy and message. In total I collected about 5 toys & messages.
I went on a 2 week cruise with my daughter. I came home to an immaculate house, a handwritten diary if how much he missed me and how he looked after my beautiful talking parrots.
This is the sort of life we have. All my facebook friends can't believe his spontaneity in many things and I've heard numerous times how my friends wish their husband was like mine.
The only thing I'm thinking at the moment is that life got so busy for me looking after everybody else I had no energy left for a physical relationship, this is my guess at the moment. I'm just wondering why was I aroused when we went away twice with nobody else to worry about.
I'm getting tired of looking after everybody.
I think of MY HUSBAND, NOT OTHER DREAM MAN !!! HE IS MY DREAM MAN !!!
RobynF is offline  
post #51 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 03:24 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Are you serious Thound ???????? Read my further comment! !!!!!
You have made me extremely angry !!! Maybe read my comment about my life before making judgement about who i love !!!!
And to tell me that if I loved him I would give it to him is just typical of men !!!! That infuriates me !!!

Last edited by RobynF; 04-21-2017 at 05:39 AM.
RobynF is offline  
post #52 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:26 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 526
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Sorry but I actually don't understand your comment at all ????
It's not so much a dream, it's when I do think of sex it is actually with my actual husband, not somebody else I wish him to be.
I do think the fault lies with me.
But when you have 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, busy raising what seemed at some point raising triplets because they were so close in age, not leaving much time or too tired for anything else.
Now my children are 25, 24 and turning 23 all living at home, one with a girlfriend. Now I have elderly in laws living right next door and I'm their carer and also cook for them as well.
I organised with my adult kids that Friday & Saturday nights I no longer look after them food wise, because they were never home these nights. So I really loved the idea of looking after just my husband. Now my in laws came along recently and I organise dinners for them on a Fri & sat night and take it to them, the rest of the week they walk over and eat with us every night.
My husband has taken me away twice overnight since last Christmas and what I noticed was I felt aroused..... no kids , no looking after in laws... just me and him. It was like I was released and free.
I actually think OF MY HUSBAND AND I LOVE HIM TO BITS !!
People who know reckon we are well suited. We are always at each in a fun way, we are always doing weird funny things just like we were 20 years old, I cannot explain or stress this enough.
I went to visit my mum overnight who lives 2 hours away, we don't do valentine's, we just think it's too commercialized now. But I came back after spending 2 days with my mum, one being valentine's and my husband did an amazing thing. I walked into the house and there was a sign on the wall with a message and a stuffed animal, walked further , another message, stuffed toy and message. In total I collected about 5 toys & messages.
I went on a 2 week cruise with my daughter. I came home to an immaculate house, a handwritten diary if how much he missed me and how he looked after my beautiful talking parrots.
This is the sort of life we have. All my facebook friends can't believe his spontaneity in many things and I've heard numerous times how my friends wish their husband was like mine.
The only thing I'm thinking at the moment is that life got so busy for me looking after everybody else I had no energy left for a physical relationship, this is my guess at the moment. I'm just wondering why was I aroused when we went away twice with nobody else to worry about.
I'm getting tired of looking after everybody.
I think of MY HUSBAND, NOT OTHER DREAM MAN !!! HE IS MY DREAM MAN !!!
Look at the bolded statements. You do a lot. You are overwhelmed. Your husband obviously loves you a lot if he recognized this and encouraged you to take a break with your daughter, and is taking you away. What you don't say, other than vacations, is - when do you and your husband have alone time? It sounds like you spend a LOT of time catering to your family and that is admirable, but your husband is your family too. You love him a lot or you wouldn't be here.

What if you take the initiative one night a week, have a good friend or one of your kids fill in for you while you and your husband have a romantic night together, or just go for a walk and talk?

Can I also recommend a sex and marriage therapist? There is nothing "wrong" with you, but if you value your husband, and it sounds like you do, you will see a therapist now, not when the marriage is on the rocks. I can't speak for everyone, but sex is so important to a marriage and not so much you performing, or whatever you are picturing when people say "just have sex with him" but you two connecting physically, spiritually. It sounds like you guys need to spend some time together regularly. And I mean talking about things not related to your fmaily. Do you think you could swing it to take an hour a week to take up a new hobby with your husband? If you aren't spending quality time together, I would imagine it's hard to feel connected in or out of bed. It's about recognizing and addressing that just loving him to bits isn't necessarily fulfilling his needs. If it were possible to have a fulfilling sex life with him, not just for him, but for you, would you want that?
joannacroc is online now  
post #53 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:37 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

I am extremely offended by Thound's comment !!!! Only a male could write that. I wanted help and advice, that is not !
Thanks, will be looking elsewhere for help and advice !!!!
RobynF is offline  
post #54 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:46 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 13
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Joannacroc, thank you for your message. I am going to make more time where it's just my husband and I. I cannot be there for everybody anymore, there isn't enough of me.
Thank you
RobynF is offline  
post #55 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:29 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,926
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Moderator Warning

Posts have been deleted because they carried the risk of chasing off a new TAM member who is hurting and needs our advice and our help, not attacks.

And/or were threadjacks.

This thread is being monitored.

Subsequent action/s may be taken with our without warning.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!

Last edited by MattMatt; 04-21-2017 at 06:34 AM.
MattMatt is online now  
post #56 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:34 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,926
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Are you serious Thound ???????? Read my further comment! !!!!!
You have made me extremely angry !!! Maybe read my comment about my life before making judgement about who i love !!!!
And to tell me that if I loved him I would give it to him is just typical of men !!!! That infuriates me !!!
@RobynF Thound's comment was removed because it was a threadjack.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #57 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:35 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,415
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

So, when you went on the stuffed animal hunt on Valentine's day, did you try to initiate with him that night? What did you do?

He's clearly trying to bring your head out of the chaotic space it is stuck in with all of the caretaking. And it sounds like he has been trying to do this unprompted, which means he is trying to remind you that he loves and cares for you and wants you to feel comforted. Despite your children being grown and flown, you have now replaced the responsibility with your parents.

The fact that you posted this topic at all (including the catchy title), tells me that you are trying to find some resolution to the problem, but on your terms. Unfortunately, I do not believe that one exists that doesn't eventually end in either a permanent roommate status or divorce.

The advice here is going to be varied - there are many hurt men and women here whose spouses (for whatever reason) choose not to have regular sex. In general it is considered one of the primary reasons people get married in the first place... also known as "exclusive banging rights."

The issue lies with you, so I would encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone if any change is going to occur. That includes trying to take on board some advice given to you bluntly. Look behind the delivery, straight at the hurt. Your husband is very likely hurting in a similar way.

Most if not all men have a primary need for sex. It makes them feel loved by their wives. Without it in supply, they feel unloved and eventually, like an emotional tampon, which breeds resentment. It doesn't take much for them to start to hope to find that physical love elsewhere.

As my husband says, "A well fed dog doesn't roam."

I believe sex is the glue that binds couples together. There are other things that can keep people together, but I consider them to be less powerful. You say that you love your husband, but you won't speak the true language of love to him. Are you willing to try to learn how?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #58 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:24 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 194
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

so your getting your needs as a woman met but you seem to not care about the needs of your husband. as a matter of fact you are angry because some male posters tried to explain how important sex is to a man. Kinda of sounds like you think is unreasonable for men to have a need for sex.

hope you find a compromise with your husband that is acceptable for both of you.
chillymorn69 is offline  
post #59 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:30 AM
Member
 
DayOne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,283
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
so your getting your needs as a woman met but you seem to not care about the needs of your husband. as a matter of fact you are angry because some male posters tried to explain how important sex is to a man. Kinda of sounds like you think is unreasonable for men to have a need for sex.

hope you find a compromise with your husband that is acceptable for both of you.
I think it would be more accurate to say she DOES care about her husband, and his needs. But something, which she has yet to find, is holding her back. And that undiscovered issue is causing her a great deal of pain, and guilt. She KNOWS, logically, that sex is important, but emotionally there is a road block. One she would like to surmount.

So banging out words such as "you do not seem to care" and "angry" and "unreasonable" are the opposite of what she needs.

It's already been established that her skin isn't thick enough to withstand the TAM jury. So lets dial it back and think of ways to help, rather than hinder her.
DayOne is online now  
post #60 of 78 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:40 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,475
Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

OP, you say that you are tired of looking after everyone else, so it is time to DO something about that. Perhaps that is why you are here - to get ideas.

I suggest you tell your adult children that it is time to move out and live on their own. Set a timeframe for this to happen. Reduce your household chores in support of them - in fact, require that they each cook one night a week for the entire family. Now, you may not want to cut off your in-laws, but once the kids move, you can let them take more care of themselves. Unless they are too infirm to cook for themselves or do other basic chores, they should be on their own. Set aside one day where they can come over, preferably when one of the kids is cooking.

Your only hope to reconnect with your husband is to disconnect from all the others to a large extent. Eventually, these people will move away anyway, and it will just be you and your husband - but that assumes he will still be your husband, or will not be so disconnected from you that he will bother to make the effort to connect with you once you are ready. You have to act now, before it's too late.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome