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post #61 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

You have too much on your plate.

Your children are adults now, perhaps you could try delegate some chores to them since they are living there. Perhaps they could also help with caring for the elderly in laws. Or ask them to move out, seriously if they have jobs they should be on the way to being independent adults.

You're wearing yourself out trying to please everyone, you can't do it all, don't be afraid to ask for help. I'm 100% sure that your husband will support you in your decisions. Tell him you want time for romance but you need his help sorting out the jobs at home.

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post #62 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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so your getting your needs as a woman met but you seem to not care about the needs of your husband. as a matter of fact you are angry because some male posters tried to explain how important sex is to a man. Kinda of sounds like you think is unreasonable for men to have a need for sex.

hope you find a compromise with your husband that is acceptable for both of you.

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post #63 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Joannacroc, thank you for your message. I am going to make more time where it's just my husband and I. I cannot be there for everybody anymore, there isn't enough of me.
Thank you
Robyn, yes - do make more time for just you and your husband. There are a lot of options for the other people in your life! Your kids are old enough to cook - have them take care of your parents meals on the weekends. Sign up for meals on wheels, or have them order dinner from a restaurant and have the kids pick it up - or have it delivered. Make double during the week - and they can eat left overs. The point is prioritize your husband and let the others fend for themselves some of the time!! It's a choice you make!!!

Yes it is was hard when your children were little and you had them so close together. I had 5 children in 6 years so I know! I also lost my sex desire during that time - but I also had negative issues concerning sex from being raised in a strict religious environment. We have also dealt with the aging parents issue and it is rough, both emotionally and physically. I feel for you! My husband is awesome, like your husband, and stayed with me through the sex drought! It took over 30 years for me to deal with my issues and to fully understand his physical and emotional needs for us having sex together! That's 30 long WASTED years!!! I don't recommend this at all! Get help now!!

I can tell you that once I realized how important sex is to our marriage - and made sex a priority - our relationship blossomed from OK to amazing for both of us! Its still not always easy for me - and sometimes I revert. I have a responsive sex drive (https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/o...sex-drive.html). When I am stressed or overwhelmed by negative events going on in ours or our families lives (which is quite often), when i am angry or resentful towards my husband, or not feeling well, its hard for me to relax and let myself get aroused. The times I have reverted for an extended period of time, an emotional distance happened and our marriage went back to being just OK! So I have learned I have to be diligent and try to combat these issues and keep sexual activity a priority on a regular basis!!

It's not easy and its a life long struggle for married couples to navigate their marital sexual life and different styles and desire levels. But when both partners try to make the others partners needs and desires a priority - and put their relationship at the top of their priority list, constantly working to keep it there as much as possible - they can learn to navigate this part of their life together so that it is smooth sailing most of the time and an enjoyable part of their life!

Don't get mad at one poster and throw all the other good advice given here away! If you are serious about fixing your issues with sex - weed through the thread and find the tidbits that will help you and ignore what is not helpful! Like I said before - this is fixable, and the control is in YOUR hands! Make your husband your #1 priority and let others fend for themselves some of the time!! Good Luck!
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post #64 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Joannacroc, thank you for your message. I am going to make more time where it's just my husband and I. I cannot be there for everybody anymore, there isn't enough of me.
Thank you
Right on sister! That's step number 1. Now how will actually do that? I've been in your shoes and lemme tell ya, deciding to place self care above everyone else is one thing, actually doing it is a whole other thing!

So what are your thoughts on how to make your day about you and not about you taking care of everyone around you?

How will you cope with the guilt of saying no, or time to move out, or sorry to meals this week because I'm starting a new ...diet, exercise, mediation, yoga, book club.... how will you remind yourself that you have earned the right to what feels like selfishness?

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post #65 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

OP, on these times you mention where your husband did something romantic, did you desire and have sex with him?

Life will always provide an infinite number of things to do, so you have to prioritize. Being "too busy" is a very common reason people give for not wanting sex -it and "I'm feeling poorly" are the to reasons my wife often gives. At least in my wife's case when you look carefully, it isn't really being too busy: a few nights ago she indicated she wanted to get to be early for sex, but somehow chores, facebook etc happened until she realized it had become too late.

You marriage should be one of your top priorities. Other things, even caring for elderly in-laws should be lower priority.

I think though that "too busy" isn't really the root cause - its that for some reason that is still mysterious you don't want sex with your husband.

Again we may be missing something here, but it sounds like he is doing everything he can. (if not, please let us know what he isn't doing).

His actions are very romantic - but they may also be a sign of someone who is making one last effort. Someone who is sure that they have done everything that they possibly could before leaving. He may not want to "threaten" by saying "if our sex life doesn't improve, I'll leave". Instead he may just tell you one day that he is very sorry but he is leaving.

I was withing a few minutes of saying that to my wife of almost 25 years. Before I got there she said something that made me give her another chance - but once those words were spoken, it would have been over. I think it is immoral to threaten to leave in order to get sex, but I think its OK to leave because of a lack of sex. She has no idea that I was about to leave. I'd gone through the phase of telling her how important sex was to me, and then had done everything possible to be as romantic and loving as I could, without putting any pressure on her. It was my last attempt.

I'm not blaming you, but you *need* to fix this or you may loose your "dream man" forever. I don't know him, but many people simply cannot enjoy a sexless romantic relationship.

I've lost track in this thread of how often you actually have sex. If you don't find sex actively repulsive, then go have sex with this man you love. Have wild passionate sex 3X/week, do what he enjoys simply because he is a good man and you should enjoy making him happy. Or, if you cannot bring yourself to do that, then get to therapy immediately and tell your husband that you are doing that.

You may have much less time than you think. Also if he is the good man that you describe, you should want to make him happy.
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post #66 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

I think it might help to change the way you look at sex...

It seems to me that it is a turn off in person because you are likely looking at it from the perspective of pleasing your husband. If that is the case, then it likely feels like just another responsibility, another chore.

When you fantasize, it's not about pleasing your husband. It's not about "taking care" of someone else. It's about expressing and fulfilling the desire for sex. Your thoughts, when you fantasize, are always going to be about what you get out of it. What you want to feel, what you want to experience, etc.

Even if you were to fantasize about blowing his mind in bed, it's still more about what you want to feel. Otherwise, it wouldn't arouse you.

It might help to document what arouses you when you fantasize. What are the emotions that you feel in the fantasy? What do you get out of the fantasy?

If your husband is willing to work with you, and I imagine he is, you might try sharing some of these fantasies with him so that he can attempt to make them come true. Start with small things that he can do to please you, solely for the purpose of pleasing you. Not for fulfilling his own needs.

You likely started to get aroused when he took you away from home simply because it allowed you time to hang up the "caretaker" part of your personality. If you are constantly taking care of everyone, it can be pretty difficult to turn that part of you off. You will see everything as a job, everyone around you is to be cared for in some way. It's like that because that is what your brain is used to thinking. It's hard to just stop thinking like that when you are used to thinking that way.

Do you fantasize about being cared for?

Honestly, your fantasies are going to be your greatest source of insight into what is getting in the way.

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post #67 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Ok, I haven't read all the messages completely. I had trouble logging g back in a 2nd time and had to get my password reset. When I got back was very upset by a comment and found so many comments, I just couldn't keep up.
Will try my best here to add everything in short...
When I got home to the valentine's trail in my house, yes, there was sex that night, but I was not 100 % into it. Excluding this sexually issue, our marriage is a very very happy one. I think we have had one serious argument in our 32 years together.
Ours is the type of relationship where we pick on each other constantly in a fun way to get reactions, we muck around, we make each laugh constantly. He tells me all time that he loves me, not suddenly, has done so for 32 years. He opens the car door for me, I run to get there first and he'll knock me out if the way... sometimes he will open the door and hold my head as he puts me in the car, as if he is a cop arresting somebody, we find these little things funny. But mainly he always opens doors for me and says "there you go *****cat". *****cat has become my 2nd name, even my friends and children call me that just because of my husband. There is no words to express the love I have for this man. He was very supportive and more when I was very sick for 2 years. My parents love him to bits. My mum said she could see how devastated he was when I was very sick.
I have no scars, nothing like that, no medication whatsoever from cancer... I have a very small mark on the side of my neck. My cancer was base of tongue, which is basically down your throat.
I have had 3 kids in a very fry short time. I think my sex drive started waning from then on very very slowly.
I look after a household of 5 sometimes 6 adults + 2 elderly in laws who are over with us every night for dinner. I do tend to panic when I feel I don't have the right dinner ( for elderly in laws) stress I guess may have taken over a little with looking after everybody, looking after 2 exotic talking parrots, a dog and 2 cats, I think can do some damage to a sex drive.
When I have the urge and help myself which might be once in 3 or 4 months, I think of my husband, nobody else at all.
I was told a few things on here that I seriously had no idea about and that men need sex to show love, wheras women need love to give sex. I had no idea about this at all. I couldn't work out why my husband couldn't just sit there and cuddle without touching, now this makes sense to me.
I have thought about all these comments the past 2 days, yes I have to change and I am willing to do this. My marriage is a very long one and it is a super happy one regardless of this issue. We still hold hands when we go out. I've recently gotten into doing jigsaw puzzles. My son's girlfriend came home one Friday night to find my husband and I poring over a puzzle. She stood there saying "aweeee how cute".
Last night was the 1st time in a very long time that I was thinking of my husband and this time he was included. Happy to say it's the first in a very long time that I enjoyed us.
I need to understand men more in regards to sex because I did not know any of this. There is still a lot of work on my part. Some things have to change in my life for the sake of my husband and I. I'm just so looking forward to the day when the only person I have to look after is just him.
I noticed lately too that when I visit my parents, I sit there thinking how lucky she is now that she only has to worry about my dad, nobody else. That I have been doing the last few visits. I just want my husband and I.
We joke to the kids "when are you moving out ? " But I think deep down secretly, I mean it but I love my kids to bits.
I think I have covered what I can.
Thank you, long work ahead of me. And in answer to a comment above, yes I often fantasize about being cared for unconditionally. I'm tired of pleasing everybody now. I think I have an idea where these issues lie.
Robyn

Last edited by RobynF; 04-21-2017 at 05:34 PM.
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post #68 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

@RobynF what you posted sounds very good - I think you have a a great husband and you really care about him. One comment - you said that you need to "understand more about men and sex". I think what you will find is that there is a huge range - so you don't need to learn about men, you need to learn about YOUR man.

Its helpful to hear how other men think, but you will will hear a wide range of different feelings about sex - all true for the individuals who answer, but not all true about men in general.

Just my data point:
I have a great marriage - I met and first dated my wife in 1980, married in the late 80s. I love her dearly and she loves me. But - we have a bad sex life and nothing I can say will make her understand that. I need sex and intimacy to feel love - for me they are inseparable things. It seems natural to me that a romantic day should include touches and kisses, and cuddling on the sofa, and that should naturally lead to passionate sex. When that doesn't happen, to me it feels like rejection, not of sex but of love. Our otherwise wonderful marriage has always been poisoned by this - my love always tinged with resentment that she has prevented me from ever having a happy sex life. The feeling that it would take so little effort on her part to make me happy, but she won't do it.

To her we have a wonderful marriage and I'm a fantastic husband. We have a great time together, though she is aware that I'm a bit spoiled and want sex all the time - but that of course there are more important things to do. Its not that she doesn't like sex, she just doesn't see why it should take precedence over important things.


Your husband may not think like this - he may be content with your sex life. Or he may be silently suffering, or even thinking of leaving
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post #69 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

I told my wife before we got married if she loved me she would always give me sex, as long as she was physically capable. I explained to her it was absolutely necessary. The day she turned me down without a good genuine reason I would know she no longer loved me. We've had an enthusiastic sex life for 43 years.

That's how men really think. Most men are too cowardly to say it.

You can put your relationship first without having anyone move out or away. Just stop catering to other people. All the people, including your in laws, you are caring for are probably capable of taking care of themselves. You do it, so they allow you to keep doing it. If you just stop doing it they would probably do fine. My mother is 91 and cooks most of her own meals. People in their 70's are spring chickens. I will probably still be working full time when I am 70.

Our youngest son has moved back into our home to go to college for a new career choice, he is 35, and he does more chores, including cooking, than my wife does. He gets free housing, so I think he should do a lot more than she does, and I have no problem making sure he is reminded of that.

My wife adds: Instead of a puzzle together, escape to your room and make out like teenagers. Well, our minds always go to sex before any other leisure activity. TV? Movies? Uh, no. But that's us. We really don't think anybody else is like us.

We wish you luck. You have to work to make it happen. But, you have to work to make it happen.
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post #70 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Thank you very much for the last few messages to my latest post.
I will also have to work very very hard on my poor body image but what I can say at the moment is THANK GOD WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT !!
Thank you,
Robyn
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post #71 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Robyn fight those neurotic thoughts! Fight them do not let them rob you of enjoying something fantastic! We are in our 50's and will never have the bodies we once had but that doesn't mean our bodies aren't beautiful. Is your husband Mr Perfect hardbody? Does he have a full head of hair? Doubt it. So what are you worried about?

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post #72 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:55 PM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

One other thing. When he says he thinks you are beautiful, believe him! He means it - you are beautiful in his eyes, and those are the eyes that matter.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Thank you very much for the last few messages to my latest post.
I will also have to work very very hard on my poor body image but what I can say at the moment is THANK GOD WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT !!
Thank you,
Robyn
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post #73 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:16 PM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

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One other thing. When he says he thinks you are beautiful, believe him! He means it - you are beautiful in his eyes, and those are the eyes that matter.
This!
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post #74 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 12:10 AM
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I hate sex but LOVE my husband

@RobynF my W and I realize that we still look amazing lying down in bed. Gravity and age catch up when we're on our feet, but laying down can make the years melt away. So don't evaluate yourself standing. Put on something comfortable but feminine, use the underwire if you need it, and realize that you will look splendid to him

Allow yourself to relax and leave the pressures of the day behind. It's hard to become aroused with all you have going on. Maybe read a flirty or trashy book or magazine.

I'm not suggesting you'll magically be filled with desire this way, but I do believe you'll have more access to any sexual feelings that might be lurking if you can turn off the outside.

My w and I got into a long rut - until I finally disrupted our relationship and made completely clear I wouldn't hide my sexuality from her any longer. I told her my needs are for daily sex and we eventually went from very inconsistent sex to daily sex. And we've been together for over 3 decades. So change can occur. And if you're lucky, in pleasing your H you will find you begin to enjoy it more than you thought. Now we are so much more emotionally close.

It's worth thinking less and going through the motions more to give it a chance. I believe you love your H and I believe you'll be pleased when you see him so much more happy in this part of your relationship. So I guess I'm saying it may not be as hard as you think


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post #75 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 12:49 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

@RobynF it may come as a surprise to you but I suspect your husband feels very lonely. Just like women need that intimate emotional moments, that connection to feel close to their spouse. Some call it romance but I think it is more, really it's the reassurance that you are the most important thing in his life. It's knowing that he gets it. Right?

A man's wife offering her body to him in sex is exactly like that to a him. For him this feels like you saying. I want to give myself to you and I trust you. This is the most intimate part of me and I am sharing that with you because you are the most important thing in my life. It creates a strong bond in men to their wives.

Your story makes me sad because it sounds like your husband is such a good man, and it is obvious that you love him. I don't want to hurt your feelings when I say this but it's obvious that you love him but you don't trust him. You don't trust him enough to believe him when he says he loves your body. That's kind of sad.

I am going to ask you one other thing. Are you really too busy that you can't prioritize this a little bit for this? Or is that really an excuse because you are scared? What if you take the chance and it's true, you start having the same kind of love making that you did when you were younger and felt in great shape. What it it turns out that he really loves you and it is a lot more then if you put on 20 pounds or aged 10 years. What if he is just as passionate. Imagine what your relationship will be like then, sounds like its good now, but what if you find the courage, start making it a point to do this for him, and he shows you that he is just as attracted to you as when you first met. How much would that realization bring to your life. How much better would your sex life and just your general life be with the knowledge that your husband just loves you, thinks you're sexy warts and all. Plus if you make it point to enjoy the sex too then you really are winning.

You should be courageous for your husband and your marriage.
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