I hate sex but LOVE my husband - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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I hate sex but LOVE my husband

New to this site. I want to share a problem I have, I actually do not understand it at all myself, this has been going on a few years now.
I am happily married, 28 years and we have been together for 32 years. We have 3 grown up children all still living at home and all with great jobs.
I cannot stress enough that I actually love my husband to bits, we have a great marriage. My husband makes me laugh all the time, we thrive on humour. But when it comes to sex, I hate it so much. I try to avoid it as much as I can. My husband can see that I hate it. I just don't get the need for it, I know that is a stupid thing to say.
I'm not sure if it's to do with my self esteem, which is very low. I hate my body with a passion. I had cancer 3 years ago. My husband was by my side the whole time, took over looking after the house, daughter helped where dinner and food was concerned, was just overwhelmed by them. It took me 2 years before I was 100% well. My husband came to me and expressed how scared he was about losing me. But I cannot seem to connect sexually, in the beginning definitely yes.
Why am I like this ?
My husband always tells me he loves me, has a pet name for me that everybody knows and everybody always says we are cute even after 32 years we are still like this.
Please do not say I have fallen out of love, I read other posts over the net where people have suggested this, it's definitely not the case here which really baffles me.
My husband has a high sex drive, mine is zero.
I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
Help please

Last edited by RobynF; 04-19-2017 at 09:36 AM.
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post #2 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Are you willing to see a sex therapist?
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post #3 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
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post #4 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Have you always disliked sex? Can you orgasm by yourself or with your husband? Does he do his best to please you in bed? Are your fantasies about sex being different from the reality of what happens?

Are you on any medications that might affect your sex drive. Did the doctors put you on tamoxifen after your cancer?

Does your hatred of your body have to do with the cancer, or something else?

You know sex is very important to a happy marriage, so its worth trying to understand this.

(sorry to sound like I'm interrogating, but I'm hoping for more information to understand what is going on).
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post #5 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

If your husband is such a wonderful guy and you love him very much, then I would expect that you would understand how much having sex with you means to him and do everything in your power resolve your issues.

Even if you eventually don't succeed in improving things much, I imagine he'll greatly appreciate the effort you put into fixing this.

If he doesn't know and you're just avoiding sex with him; it's probably causing him a great deal of anguish.
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post #6 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Originally Posted by RobynF View Post
Yes I would but I don't think that would help. I would not be comfortable with telling a stranger in person any of this.
If you love your husband and he's a wonderful guy, then being uncomfortable talking about this to a stranger is something you need to overcome.

What if your husband had decided that he couldn't support you during your illness because something would make him feel "uncomfortable"?
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post #7 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

The only thing that kills my sex drive to a point of revulsion is when I am anxious - do you suffer from anxiety at all?

If you don't love your body then I understand that you would not want to share it with anyone, particularly with your husband who you respect and love. I think therapy would be a really good option for you - if you don't want to talk to a sex therapist maybe start with one that can work on your self esteem issues. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?
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post #8 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Get to a highly rated therapist. No shame in asking for help, because you clearly need it. This is not normal and you won't be able to fix this on your own. Do you and your husband a favor, please call around today and book an appointment with a therapist. Also, discuss this with your primary care doctor. Are you scared to talk about health concerns with your doctor as well? Has there been any trauma (abuse) in your life?
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post #9 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Think you need professional help. Sex results in the release of Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for emotional bonding of the couple. Same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. My wife does not like intercourse and we have not had it for longer than we can remember in our 44 year marriage. Still we have sex. She likes to cuddle and kiss a lot, but she uses a vibrator now, and then makes me orgasm orally or by hand. She used to have a girlfriend to take care of her up to 7 years ago.

After my wife had a hip replacement she had body issues. A huge sunken scar was not attractive to look at. 6 months of no physical activity made her gain weight. We worked through it by basically forcing ourselves to have sex each week, if even to lay next to each other and masturbate. That got that good old Oxytocin working again and made us want to have sex more and do more. You mention that you love him, but love without sex is not romantic love. I love my sister and parents, but that is not the kind of love there should be in a marriage. Marriage kind of centers around sex, at least in a healthy marriage, and not one where you live like best friends, or for the sake of the kids. We are married 44 years and still love each other as we did when we first met. We have learned that a highly sexual marriage is much better than one with infrequent sex. We went out of the traditional marriage structure of sexual monogamy to get there, and it has made our marriage wonderful and very pleasurable too.

I am not big on therapist, but in your case a sex therapist could probably fix you up easily. Since the love is there, a series of exercises will probably get you to the point when you are back in the saddle again. Good luck and a life without sex is never as good as one with a healthy sexual relationship. I have lived both and learned that first hand.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-19-2017 at 10:20 AM.
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post #10 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so.

So not sure what my problem is ???
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post #11 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Hi Robyn,

First I am so sorry for what you must have gone through, but am glad to read that you are well. I do hope you stay cancer free.

Mr HB has been battling cancer for a while now and the whole experience along with surgeries and chemo have changed him in many ways.

Did you undergo chemotherapy as part of your treatment? I've read that it can abruptly trigger menopause as a side effect. You did not mention the type of cancer, but if you had to have your female organs removed that can also trigger a more dramatic start t menopause.

Menopause and peri menopause can affect your libido in either direction so you can ask your doctor to check your hormone levels. They can help if that's the problem... although if your cancer was one that feeds on estrogen it will limit some of the treatment options.

It could also be body issues if you are overly concerned about surgery scars or that sort of thing. My SIL has told me she feels little drive since her mastectomy 10+ years ago.

If that's part of the issue just remember that if your H is HD and loves you and wants to make love to you it means that any scars or other changes aren't affecting his attraction to you.

Are you on any regular meds? Many of them can affect libido... especially depression or anxiety meds.

Cancer can wreak havoc on you... body, mind and soul. IC to help you cope with the aftermath is a good idea. If you are able to reclaim your libido, you may also find the life affirming aspects of sex are great.

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post #12 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

No I do not suffer from any sort of anxiety.
My heart still skips when I hugging my husband, just laying beside him. I'm just not understanding how I cannot connect with him sexually.
I might look into a therapist.
Thank you all for your comments :-)
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post #13 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

It's not weird that you fantasize about sex with your husband, but at the same time avoid sex with your husband. It suggests to me that you want to want sex with your husband. And if that's true, that you want to want sex with your husband, then you're already almost there.

What was your cancer treatment? Did you have radiation? Where was the radiation directed, what part of your body? Almost every kind of chemo causes a loss of libido. Radiation may have made that permanent. So your first job is to screw up your courage and talk to your cancer team. Sometimes the nurse navigator is the best person to start with, not so much the oncologist. You need to understand how your specific treatments typically affect sex drive and sexual arousal, which are two different things in women. Women can desire sex, as you do because you fantasize, and yet not experience sufficient sexual arousal to actually want to get naked.

Precancer, were you also not interested in sex?

How often do you masturbate?

How regularly, when you do have sex, do you orgasm?

Is your body image problem a life long thing or is this something that has increased as the years have?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #14 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
Might look into a therapist.
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post #15 of 82 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: I hate sex but LOVE my husband

Your brain needs to be wooed. For me I read a lot of erotic books. Keep my brain juice going and the other flowing as well.

Have you tried flirting with your H during the day? We do this all day. Little nips and taps when we are together. When he is at work, I send a flirty emoji etc. Don't masturbate when you are alone, save your passion for when you are with him.

The main sex organ for a woman is in her head. Your sexuality starts there. As we get older most of us don't have perfect bodies. I have awful stretch marks that looks like craters on Jupiter. But it is what it is. My H does not see them. He see me, the woman he loves.

I am sure all the faults you see in yourself, he is blind to them. He see his beautiful bride still and thats who you still are. So, girl forget the lumps and bumps. Start thinking of yourself as a sexy well loved woman. Get some nice undies, nighties and nail polish, and start dressing the part of a sexy woman. Take small steps and change one thing about yourself as you rework your thinking.
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