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I hate sex but LOVE my husband

18K views 86 replies 47 participants last post by  Where there's a will 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello,
New to this site. I want to share a problem I have, I actually do not understand it at all myself, this has been going on a few years now.
I am happily married, 28 years and we have been together for 32 years. We have 3 grown up children all still living at home and all with great jobs.
I cannot stress enough that I actually love my husband to bits, we have a great marriage. My husband makes me laugh all the time, we thrive on humour. But when it comes to sex, I hate it so much. I try to avoid it as much as I can. My husband can see that I hate it. I just don't get the need for it, I know that is a stupid thing to say.
I'm not sure if it's to do with my self esteem, which is very low. I hate my body with a passion. I had cancer 3 years ago. My husband was by my side the whole time, took over looking after the house, daughter helped where dinner and food was concerned, was just overwhelmed by them. It took me 2 years before I was 100% well. My husband came to me and expressed how scared he was about losing me. But I cannot seem to connect sexually, in the beginning definitely yes.
Why am I like this ?
My husband always tells me he loves me, has a pet name for me that everybody knows and everybody always says we are cute even after 32 years we are still like this.
Please do not say I have fallen out of love, I read other posts over the net where people have suggested this, it's definitely not the case here which really baffles me.
My husband has a high sex drive, mine is zero.
I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
Help please
 
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#4 ·
Have you always disliked sex? Can you orgasm by yourself or with your husband? Does he do his best to please you in bed? Are your fantasies about sex being different from the reality of what happens?

Are you on any medications that might affect your sex drive. Did the doctors put you on tamoxifen after your cancer?

Does your hatred of your body have to do with the cancer, or something else?


You know sex is very important to a happy marriage, so its worth trying to understand this.

(sorry to sound like I'm interrogating, but I'm hoping for more information to understand what is going on).
 
#5 ·
If your husband is such a wonderful guy and you love him very much, then I would expect that you would understand how much having sex with you means to him and do everything in your power resolve your issues.

Even if you eventually don't succeed in improving things much, I imagine he'll greatly appreciate the effort you put into fixing this.

If he doesn't know and you're just avoiding sex with him; it's probably causing him a great deal of anguish.
 
#7 ·
The only thing that kills my sex drive to a point of revulsion is when I am anxious - do you suffer from anxiety at all?

If you don't love your body then I understand that you would not want to share it with anyone, particularly with your husband who you respect and love. I think therapy would be a really good option for you - if you don't want to talk to a sex therapist maybe start with one that can work on your self esteem issues. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?
 
#8 ·
Get to a highly rated therapist. No shame in asking for help, because you clearly need it. This is not normal and you won't be able to fix this on your own. Do you and your husband a favor, please call around today and book an appointment with a therapist. Also, discuss this with your primary care doctor. Are you scared to talk about health concerns with your doctor as well? Has there been any trauma (abuse) in your life?
 
#9 · (Edited)
Think you need professional help. Sex results in the release of Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for emotional bonding of the couple. Same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. My wife does not like intercourse and we have not had it for longer than we can remember in our 44 year marriage. Still we have sex. She likes to cuddle and kiss a lot, but she uses a vibrator now, and then makes me orgasm orally or by hand. She used to have a girlfriend to take care of her up to 7 years ago.

After my wife had a hip replacement she had body issues. A huge sunken scar was not attractive to look at. 6 months of no physical activity made her gain weight. We worked through it by basically forcing ourselves to have sex each week, if even to lay next to each other and masturbate. That got that good old Oxytocin working again and made us want to have sex more and do more. You mention that you love him, but love without sex is not romantic love. I love my sister and parents, but that is not the kind of love there should be in a marriage. Marriage kind of centers around sex, at least in a healthy marriage, and not one where you live like best friends, or for the sake of the kids. We are married 44 years and still love each other as we did when we first met. We have learned that a highly sexual marriage is much better than one with infrequent sex. We went out of the traditional marriage structure of sexual monogamy to get there, and it has made our marriage wonderful and very pleasurable too.

I am not big on therapist, but in your case a sex therapist could probably fix you up easily. Since the love is there, a series of exercises will probably get you to the point when you are back in the saddle again. Good luck and a life without sex is never as good as one with a healthy sexual relationship. I have lived both and learned that first hand.
 
#10 ·
My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so.

So not sure what my problem is ???
 
#22 · (Edited)
My cancer happened 3 years ago, absolutely nothing to do with this issue, just thought I should mention it, because my husband was devastated when I got sick.
I'm not on any medication at all for anything. I can't stand to even take headache tablets, no medication at all. Not sick anymore.
My hatred of my body is purely because I'm a bit overweight, had 3 children in 2 yrs and 5 months, so ended up with a muffin top belly and some cellulite in thighs, a lot of women have this body image. I just don't like my body plain and simple. My husband says he loves it.
The fantasies I have of my husband is just normal sex, nothing out of the ordinary.
Not sure if this is a low self esteem thing on my part , I was raised to believe that I wasn't good enough, not a happy childhood.
And sex in the beginning was amazing, we were like rabbits lol.
I take care of myself sexually when the need arises, not often, but only takes a minute or so.

So not sure what my problem is ???
Totally obvious what your problem is:
1) chemically you have no sex drive
2) you don't want a sex drive, because your husband's needs are not a priority?
3) you are so unconcerned about your loving husband you aren't even able to get out of your comfort zone enough to see a doctor or therapist. I personally think a doctor is who you need to see in order to get your libedo back. May be impossible. But find out.

You have no idea how this is utterly gutting your husband on a daily basis. He is such a good man that he doesn't even let you know that he is crushed over this. Or he has no sex drive, either.

Go see a doctor.

I wanted to add: What you look like to YOU, and what you look like to your husband are totally different things. Is your Mom or Dad alive?
Are they ugly to you? Do you see them like you did when you were a kid? Do they not seem all that old to you?
That's how your husband who LOVES you sees you. He sees you like you were when you married. I am very serious about this. My ex wife was 226 lbs. after she had our 2nd child. I never noticed. She was heavier, but she was her. I still basically saw her as I did the whole time we were married. (she cheated--hence the EX part).
You have got to get past this self image thing and give your husband some intimacy like he needs and deserves.
 
#11 ·
Hi Robyn,

First I am so sorry for what you must have gone through, but am glad to read that you are well. I do hope you stay cancer free.

Mr HB has been battling cancer for a while now and the whole experience along with surgeries and chemo have changed him in many ways.

Did you undergo chemotherapy as part of your treatment? I've read that it can abruptly trigger menopause as a side effect. You did not mention the type of cancer, but if you had to have your female organs removed that can also trigger a more dramatic start t menopause.

Menopause and peri menopause can affect your libido in either direction so you can ask your doctor to check your hormone levels. They can help if that's the problem... although if your cancer was one that feeds on estrogen it will limit some of the treatment options.

It could also be body issues if you are overly concerned about surgery scars or that sort of thing. My SIL has told me she feels little drive since her mastectomy 10+ years ago.

If that's part of the issue just remember that if your H is HD and loves you and wants to make love to you it means that any scars or other changes aren't affecting his attraction to you.

Are you on any regular meds? Many of them can affect libido... especially depression or anxiety meds.

Cancer can wreak havoc on you... body, mind and soul. IC to help you cope with the aftermath is a good idea. If you are able to reclaim your libido, you may also find the life affirming aspects of sex are great.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#13 ·
It's not weird that you fantasize about sex with your husband, but at the same time avoid sex with your husband. It suggests to me that you want to want sex with your husband. And if that's true, that you want to want sex with your husband, then you're already almost there.

What was your cancer treatment? Did you have radiation? Where was the radiation directed, what part of your body? Almost every kind of chemo causes a loss of libido. Radiation may have made that permanent. So your first job is to screw up your courage and talk to your cancer team. Sometimes the nurse navigator is the best person to start with, not so much the oncologist. You need to understand how your specific treatments typically affect sex drive and sexual arousal, which are two different things in women. Women can desire sex, as you do because you fantasize, and yet not experience sufficient sexual arousal to actually want to get naked.

Precancer, were you also not interested in sex?

How often do you masturbate?

How regularly, when you do have sex, do you orgasm?

Is your body image problem a life long thing or is this something that has increased as the years have?
 
#14 ·
I am 53, I got menopause at 47. This issue was before then.
I had chemo and radiation and was sick for a good 2 years and lost 45 kgs tube in my stomach so I could swallow fluids as I could no longer swallow food for a good 10 months. But this issue was all before that.
No medication at all, no anxiety and no depression.
Might look into a therapist.
 
#29 ·
My hatred for my body has increased over the years, not always been with me.

Menopause can often times kill the sex drive that was hormonally driven. IOW, if your sex drive had been prompted by hormones, and those hormones are no longer present, your sex drive is no longer present.

I take it hormone replacement therapy is off the table due to the history of cancer? If not, talk to your GYN. I experienced my once "off the charts" libido take a nose dive over the course of a month once full menopause hit. Couldn't even orgasm anymore! Started hormone replacement and orgasms returned but my libido is now on the low side of average.

There is a big difference between wanting to have sex and being hormonally driven to want sex.

It's like chocolate cake. If you like sex and like chocolate cake this analogy fits:
You're hungry and there is a chocolate cake on the counter so you cut a slice and enjoy it.
You're not hungry but someone puts a slice of chocolate cake in front of you so you enjoy it.

But you're saying you no longer like chocolate cake, even though you fantasize about your husband's baking skills? :scratchhead:

Why do you hate sex? Do you no longer enjoy sex at all? Do you orgasm? I've asked these before but you didn't answer. The answers are pretty important.
 
#15 ·
Your brain needs to be wooed. For me I read a lot of erotic books. Keep my brain juice going and the other flowing as well.

Have you tried flirting with your H during the day? We do this all day. Little nips and taps when we are together. When he is at work, I send a flirty emoji etc. Don't masturbate when you are alone, save your passion for when you are with him.

The main sex organ for a woman is in her head. Your sexuality starts there. As we get older most of us don't have perfect bodies. I have awful stretch marks that looks like craters on Jupiter. But it is what it is. My H does not see them. He see me, the woman he loves.

I am sure all the faults you see in yourself, he is blind to them. He see his beautiful bride still and thats who you still are. So, girl forget the lumps and bumps. Start thinking of yourself as a sexy well loved woman. Get some nice undies, nighties and nail polish, and start dressing the part of a sexy woman. Take small steps and change one thing about yourself as you rework your thinking.
 
#44 ·
People aren't trying to help you pinpoint what changed and when. That's your key.

If it helps, I'm married to your twin. We were in the same boat as you guys a while back. We're still married and living together. We still get along. But the marriage finally died. We're now your typical passionless couple. When there was still a chance in our relationship and I was giving it a try, and she was pretending to be giving it a try, the sex was actually pretty good. For ME anyhow. But my wife had what I was SURE was body issues due to weight. As much as I was SURE she was trying to WANT to want sex, I could tell she wasn't into it (before you jump on me, she won't LET ME perform oral sex on her. See body issue statement above). All, I'm pretty sure, because of her "hatred for her body".

And I could be wrong. There could be 1,000 reasons that she hates sex with me, but we're not talking about me or her. Or you. We're talking about your husband. I enjoyed reading about how much you love him. That fascinates me. I'd have been the first one to board the "you don't love him any more" train. I'm sure I'd have been elected honorary conductor, even. The train would get full. We'd have to add extra cars. So many people thinking the same thing. I wonder what hubs is thinking...?

So. How do we avoid MY fate in YOUR household? By getting you to take that fantasy to reality. And it'll be easy, I can guarantee it.

I'm a pig. Let's get that out of the way. When the lights were out and I needed to get going, there was probably a better chance that a Playboy era Jenny McCarthy was in my head than my (then) loving wife. But when we got going, and I thought she loved me as much as I loved her, guess who replaced Jenny and Rhianna in my head? That's right. I'm thinking of how much I freakin' LOVE this woman and I'll do ANYTHING to please her. Fat and all. But she couldn't come around (no pun intended). I knew it. She knew it. We knew each other knew it. She'd still tell me she loved me, all the time. But I could tell. Again, I wonder what YOUR hubs is thinking right now.

Anyhow, he doesn't give a crap about what you look like. He just wonders if you really DO love him. Right were I was a while ago. And I can tell you EXACTLY what would have turned me around and saved my marriage:

If I did a Vulcan mind meld purely for the purpose of finding out if she really loved me or not, and then found out she loved me as much as you love your husband. But your husband is not a Vulcan, so all you can do is take away the one thing that is getting him to think you don't love him.


You can get yourself off in 1 minute (55 years old and I just find out that's possible, but I digress).
You can get horny thinking of your husband.
When you are laying in bed horny and about to get off, tap your husband on the shoulder and get him to roll over on his back. Suck him hard and ride him like a bronce 'till you cum. Then say "sorry I had to wake you, but I really needed that".

Hug him, kiss him, and go to sleep.

I can't help you with his lack of interest in cuddling afterwards. Maybe if I got sex like THAT, even once, I'd do all the cuddling I need to do to keep it coming.

Anyhoo...everybody is confusing me with some idiot that used to have a similar name, so I'll get shot down. But just remember: I AM YOUR HUSBAND!!!
 
#17 ·
If you are really insecure with your body, go ask your husband about the possibility of having a "mommy makeover". Budget $10-15K for a boob lift/enlargement, lipo, tummy tuck, etc. It could be the best money you'll ever spend if it fixes your self esteem issues. I guarantee it he will fully support you. Having kids does a handful on some women's bodies and plastic surgery is the only way to get it back to the way it was.

But get in the best shape possible prior. Lose all the fat you can. A healthy diet and intense exercise for 6 months will get you there.
 
#21 ·
Hello,
I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
The weirdest of all is..... I fantasize about sex with my husband, why is that when in real life I hate it ??? I don't understand it...
Help please
The difference between a man and a women "sexwise", is this:

A man has something "in him" that demands release.

It is something that cannot be suppressed.

An urge so powerful, some men would rape and pillage to rid themselves of "THIS".

It is a Seaman in a small boat. One riding out a vicious storm. He is being bashed and bucked. His bones hurt to the core.

His only escape is to dive into the warm sea. Into that viscous warm fold that holds him tight.

He swims down as far as his arms can reach.

And he vomits out his urging juices with delight.

And he collapses in ecstasy.
 
#27 · (Edited)
When did your dislike for sex begin?

Can you give us an insight to the thoughts going on in your head when you have sex with your husband or when he initiates sex with you?

For the record - I believe that you love and adore your husband, yet don't like having sex. I can relate to what you are describing.

I think a good sex therapist could help you. As already mentioned - your brain is your biggest sex organ. You just need to understand and learn about the connection and how your brain can help AND how it can halt your sexual feelings. I suspect that right now - its halting them for some reason.

You have at least two things going for you.

1. You can have orgasms when you masturbate. That means you are capable of sexual feelings.

2. You realize that there is a problem and you are looking for help! Good for you!!!

That is way farther than many women get! So ignore any posters that give you a hard time and keep moving forward. This particular problem IS fixable - and totally in your control!!! But you are going to have to do the work! Start with researching sex therapists in your area. Do it today! Google ASSECT
 
#28 ·
Hello,

I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
He finds it difficult because the longer you go without sex, the more easily he's turned on. If you were having sex frequently, cuddling with you wouldn't be so erotic to him and he wouldn't want sex immediately since his body knows he will eventually (within days) have a sexual release. But continued cuddling and holding without a chance of sexual release? No thanks.

As for not connecting sex with love, remember this... women need love for sex, men need sex for love.
 
#30 ·
This is a nightmare scenario for any husband. Men give and receive love and affection and acceptance and connection etc through their sexualities. If the sexuality isn't there for them, then the love, affection, connection etc isn't either.

Sexuality is what makes our special someone "special." It is what separates our special someone, that we would run into a burning building for and that we would jump in front of a bullet for, from all the rest.

This is a very serious issue so please do not take it lightly. You may not experience the 'need' for sexuality like he does, but trust men, it is there and it is very real for him.

You are at great risk of him not only disconnecting from you emotionally and having you become just another woman, or even worse where he builds up resentment and bitterness towards you. Men will become resentful and bitter towards their frigid wives in time because as long as he is yoked to her, he is unable to pursue another relationship with someone who would desire him (unless he cheats of course, which becomes a huge and very real risk)

If you want to know how a female would feel in similarly devastating scenario for a woman, imagine your husband posting a thread titled - "I love sex but hate my wife." Then imagine that he goes on to post that he hates his wife and feels no love or affection or closeness to her, but she has sex with him and he likes the sensation of ejaculating into her.

- that's how a man feels when a woman likes the comforts of home and companionship with a man, but does not have any sexual interest in him.

I am with all the other posters in that if you want to remain married and have it be a healthy, happy marriage for BOTH of you, you must get professional help.

Yes, it may be embarrassing to discuss something this personal, but I guarantee you, you are at risk of him coming home one day, handing you divorce papers to sign and giving you the weekend to move out so that his new woman can move her stuff in. That will feel kind of awkward and embarrassing too.
 
#33 ·
Also, you mentioned your body image hangups, but what about your husband? Has he changed over the years physically that is turning you off? Has he gained 50+lbs since you used to go at it like rabbits? Has he let himself go and is slovenly and unkempt? Bo? bad breath? Brown teeth?

Has he become passive and lazy? Does he sit in front of the tv scarfing chips and beer until the middle of the night and then stumbles into the bedroom wanting some action?

Does he have any kind of drug or alcohol problem?

Had he been abusive in any way?

Has he committed any kind of adultery or had any kind of inappropriate interactions with other women?

Any huge fights, episodes of him being real mean to you or times of gross neglect?


Would any other woman of your caliber be interested in him sexually at all or would they think the thought of sex with him would be repugnant as well?
 
#34 ·
Had to laugh because the one thing that helped me the most in getting over my irrational neurotic body image was....my husband's giant belly. His belly never stopped him from wearing a bathing suit or wanting sex. Never. And yet I was this neurotic woman in a size 8 who was absolutely convinced I was hideous. Still, to this day, when those neurotic thoughts hit I look at my husband and most other men my age and think "Comparatively, I've still got it!"
 
#36 ·
That doesn't work for many men, in fact it can be extremely frustrating to be cuddled up next to the person you love and desire but not be able to have sex.

I have this issue with my wife. I love cuddling but if I'm staved for sex its just miserable. When we are having a reasonable amount of sex though, cuddling (without sex) is great.

For many people love and sexual desire are intimately tied together, they can't separate them. If you kill their sexual desire, you will kill their love.

You mention that you masturbate sometimes. Stop. Masturbation is absolutely fine, but you are using it for sexual release and rejecting your husband. What sexual desire /energy you have should be directed towards him.


snip
I really thrive on being hugged and cuddled without sex, to me it's a dream where sex is not an option just spooning. I've mentioned on occasions to him that I wish he could just hold me and leave it at that but he says he finds it difficult. I don't understand that, I somehow don't seem to connect sex with love.
snip
 
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