Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My wife and I seem to spend far more time fighting about sex than actually having sex. When we have sex, even on a good day, it is done and over with in a matter of 30-40 minutes, but, on average, it is half that time.
Meanwhile, when we FIGHT about sex, or more aptly NOT having sex, we tend to fight for hours or even half the night into the wee hours of the morning, saying the most hurtful things imaginable, threatening divorce, blaming each other, bringing up ex partners and how sex was better with them, etc.
Last night/this morning was a classic example. Although we had only had sex once this week and that did not go especially well, she got in bed right out of the shower, without panties, and cuddled up next to me, rubbed on my chest for about 15 minutes and then said that on Saturday night it would be a good time to be intimate. Meanwhile, I am frustrated, try to go with the flow, but when she falls asleep, I toss and turn for the next 2.5 hours, completely frustrated. I just feel like I am always on eggshells and if I dare try to have sex with her when she is tired, that I am asking for trouble (plus I know it won't be that good, anyway).
Finally, after 2.5 hours of frustration, I say to hell with it, grab the lube from my nightstand and climb atop her but, with no kissing, no foreplay and with no help, I am unable to finish and it leads to a huge blowout fight that lasts for a couple hours and leads us both to say very hurtful things to each other.
So, today, to start the weekend, things went from pretty good to very bad, she is down a couple hours sleep and I am down about 5 hours sleep and functioning on 2 hours sleep today.
It just blows my mind that she wouldn't spend that same 15 minutes she spent rubbing my chest to instead be intimate with me, even just a handjob to get me through the night.
The majority of our fights start due to sexual frustration and I try my best to be patient but there are times like last night where I just feel so pushed to the side and like my needs do not even matter that there is no way I can fall asleep but instead toss and turn all night frustrated. To me, it amounts to emotional abuse, yet, at the end of it, I am always the bad guy and I am the one with the problem, never mind that in the beginning of our relationship we had sex daily.
If there was something I could do in 15-20 minutes a day that would lead to a happier marriage, I would do it in a heartbeat, yet I don't feel like I get the same consideration, and, trust me, I do everything I can to be as close to her as I can be so it is not like I ignore her all day and night and then just expect sex.
Is this how it starts for long time married couples who went from a healthy sex life down to sex once a week or a couple times a month?!
I am 40 and she is early 30's and the only time in the last couple months that she was super into the sex was when she was ovulating last week and wanted me to ejaculate inside her. It was quite a performance on her part, one that I WISH would be the norm rather than the exception. With resentment on my own part and knowing that it was only because she was ovulating, while the sex was great, I did NOT ejaculate inside her and World War 3 ensued after that and wrecked our New Years Eve and New Years Day, but I need to feel wanted like that on a normal basis whereas I feel like she is usually inconvenienced by our sex and that is a pretty crappy way to feel.
Finally, after 2.5 hours of frustration, I say to hell with it, grab the lube from my nightstand and climb atop her but, with no kissing, no foreplay and with no help, I am unable to finish and it leads to a huge blowout fight that lasts for a couple hours and leads us both to say very hurtful things to each other.
So what did she do or say when you grabbed the lube and got on top of her?
I don't know that it was the wisest move. I'm sure you are aware of that now.
My guess is, all this fighting is probably more about a deeper issues going on than the lack of sex. It usually starts outside of the bedroom first.
She went with it when she saw that it required no more effort on her part than spreading her legs...but, as is the case more often than not, there was no kissing. I thought it was the man who wasn't supposed to be into kissing the woman but in this case it is total role reversal, although she denies it, and it just makes it hard for me to get totally turned on without kissing or with only a quick peck or two.
While I am sure there are deeper issues going on, then don't rub on me for 15 minutes, pantie-less in bed, right out of the shower knowing that we haven't had much sex lately and after a day that I really made every effort to express my love throughout the day.
Again, emotional abuse but then turning it around on me. And I don't dare masturbate as she is a bean counter when it comes to the amount of ejaculate I have and would rather I be frustrated for a couple days than to please myself, although that is exactly what I did last night after MY failed attempt at sex.
yeah..ummm.....that whole getting jumped with a tube of lube thing. I can totally see why THAT didnt go over well. enough of that
I bet she has no idea what she is putting you through and she just doesnt get it. Thats sad for the both of you. I bet if she were told that her actions were emotionally abusive, she would be horrified.
you have some choices here, you arent powerless. Im sure you have told her too many times to count how you feel. What is your line in the sand on this? Im not one for ultimatums but, dude, you planning on putting up with this for the rest of your life? THAT would work for you? okay, really, im being facitious, but seriously.
She needs to be told when you arent angry how her actions make you feel and what you need to continue to feel love and affection for her.
Then you offer some suggestions on how yall could handle this problem...some might say counceling, reading some books, seeing your pastor....you know what ever yall agree on. But you must make a step in some direction.
If she refuses then you have the information you need to make an informed choice about what you want the rest of your life to look like.
1. Her rubbing your chest for 15 minutes while snuggling up to you WAS her being intimate with you. Intimacy, especially for a woman, is about more than grabbing a bottle of lube and climbing on top or jerking you off for a while.
Which leads me to point 2 ...
2. If you want more sex, might I suggest you not mount your sleeping wife in the middle of the night. I can't imagine many less sexy things for a woman.
Just speculating here, but maybe your wife is turned off to sex because it's become a constant source of conflict in your relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
Sadly, getting jumped with the lube thing DID go over well and the reason it did was because it required little or no effort on her part than to lie on her back, although in her mind, the fact that she touched my chest (while dodging my kisses) should have been enough for me to climax.
It is just really sad to me that she would put our entire marriage on the line rather than try to be more accommodating of my needs.
I really really really try to accommodate her needs which tend to be family related as she is very close to her parents but my needs, unfortunately, are easily dismissed by her and she makes me out to be some sort of sex addict, yet, for the first year of our relationship, we were having sex daily and prior to accepting my proposal for marriage, we were having sex even more often than that, so why wasn't I viewed as a sex addict then?! Bait and switch, I say.
I have only tried to be the best husband I can be yet this is the result. I don't want to be satiated with breadcrumbs and that is all that it feels like I am getting these days and it really hurts.
that may have been her being intimate, im not denying that. She probably had NO idea what it was doing to him or how torturous sexual tension that is not discharged can be or how being in that state can wreak havoc with someones emotions and responses . Hey, im just advocating educating her how how dude feels. Im giving her the total benefit of the doubt here. But he has some choices to make
I respectfully disagree with you...there are many times that my wife tells me that she wishes I would have just mounted her with my hard **** while she is sleeping. Again, though, it is because it requires the least amount of effort on her part, which is sad.
Trust me, the last thing I want is to resort to mounting her when she is sleeping, yet while she is sleeping like a baby, there I am left to toss and turn all night and, again, dare I masturbate, I then get condemned as she measures my amount of ejaculate each time to see whether or not I have masturbated recently.
I am always told to "go with the flow", yet her telling me that our next sex was two days away does not very much sound like going with the flow.
As far as rubbing my chest counting as intimacy, sure, if it put me into as deep a sleep as she was...but not when it only gets me frustrated and after 2.5 hours I am nowhere nearer to falling asleep than I was 2.5 hours earlier (when she fell asleep).
Sadly, getting jumped with the lube thing DID go over well and the reason it did was because it required little or no effort on her part than to lie on her back, although in her mind, the fact that she touched my chest (while dodging my kisses) should have been enough for me to climax.
If your wife wouldn't kiss you, just laid there and gave you indications she wanted it to be over with (i.e. wanted you to finish, already) then it most definitely wasn't working. Not for her, at least.
You can take my advice or leave it. Entirely up to you. But based on what you've written, sex for your wife sounds like a chore, obligation and major source of conflict. Not exactly a recipe for getting her in the mood.
Either work to change that, divorce her or be miserable. Up to you. Posted via Mobile Device
Last night/this morning was a classic example. Although we had only had sex once this week and that did not go especially well, she got in bed right out of the shower, without panties, and cuddled up next to me, rubbed on my chest for about 15 minutes and then said that on Saturday night it would be a good time to be intimate. Meanwhile, I am frustrated, try to go with the flow, but when she falls asleep, I toss and turn for the next 2.5 hours, completely frustrated. I just feel like I am always on eggshells and if I dare try to have sex with her when she is tired, that I am asking for trouble (plus I know it won't be that good, anyway).
How is she being emotionally abusive? You asked for sex, she said that Saturday would be a good night. Instead you basically let her know that you could care less what she just said by mounting her.... If anything, you were the abusive one.
Why don't you try backing off for a little bit? And not put so much emphasis on this if it's causing so many fights?
Sit down, talk to her, explain your needs and find out what she says.
dare I masturbate, I then get condemned as she measures my amount of ejaculate each time to see whether or not I have masturbated recently.
I'm getting the picture that she wants a baby... and that sex for her is now only about getting a baby. [Please don't bring a baby into a marriage like this - it won't make it better, only worse... WAY less sex...]
Jerk off man... if she's that concerned about getting every drop of your ejaculate, she should have sex with you. You could calmly explain that you have to release some of that tension and it's either going to be with or without her...
Have you sat down with her and had a heart to heart on the issue? If so, what has she said? What are her reasons for her doing this or not doing that?
I have tried talking in a constructive manner (as well as writing e-mails on the subject--and, given that she is constantly trying to find fault with me and has me living under a microscope, she even found this forum and reads these very posts).
Unfortunately, she is completely dismissive of my needs when it comes to sex, no matter what I say or do. If I back off, I don't get sex...if I have expectations, I get sex no more often. And, while every other day on average may not seem like a big deal, to me it is given that we were having sex every day in the first year and that the quality has also progressively diminished.
Instead, she likes to bring up ancient history and how all I wanted in the first year was for her to ride me and lots of oral sex...of course, she didn't complain about it during that year so WHY would I even see a problem...little did I know it would be thrown in my face 2.5 years later!
And, I am not selfish in the bedroom but as a way to punish me I believe she also withholds allowing me to perform oral sex on her.
In her relationship prior to ours, she was with the guy for 4 years, lived with him, and they didn't have sex for the last 3.5 years...he was on antidepressants and would secretly masturbate rather than be intimate with her. This wasn't a huge red flag to me given that she and I were having sex every single day for the first few months of our relationship until I proposed to her.
She also harbors some resentment because we experimented sexually with other couples and individuals early in our relationship and she likes to act like I held a gun to her head when that is not the case. Anyway, it has been 26 months since we last engaged in any such activities but she likes to act like it was yesterday. Trust me, at the time, while we had our share of drama, she seemed to enjoy dressing all sexy, going to clubs, dancing, meeting others and never was it a situation where I demanded that she be with anybody she was not interested in and it was always together, side by side.
Early on in the relationship--prior to engagement--when I said I wasn't sure about a lifetime of monogamy, she assured me that a couple times a year we would have threesomes with other women, but, of course, now, bait and switch, and that seems like it is never going to happen (and hasn't happened the last two years).
If all that isn't enough, I was very promiscuous before she and I met and I told her this from the beginning. Maybe it was dumb of me to tell her about all the skeletons in my closet but I wanted to be as honest as possible so there were no secrets going in...only when she showed no qualms about this did I truly fall for her and propose to her. Now, of course, my past is thrown in my face whenever we have a fight and that just seems totally wrong to me and amounts to nothing more than very dirty fighting! There is nothing I can do to change my past and I was totally upfront about from the very beginning.
This is INSANE to me...(sexual frustration) 
hold on dude just see whats the result. Show her the moves inside the bed the way she wants.
