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18K views 144 replies 42 participants last post by  CuddleBug 
#1 ·
Not sure why Im posting this, i guess i really dont have another avenue to discuss it....
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Im 39, she is 33. been together 15 years married 8. Both attractive with good builds. she doesnt work and hasnt since she was pregnant with our 11 yr old son. Sex hasnt been good since before we even got married. She never desires it or iniates it. She has a lot of wonderful traits but i feel like our relationship is very unfair and i am beginning to resent her. Our frequency is down to once a month. She no longer desires any form of forplay. She doesnt even like me to do Oral on her and forget about it for me. I recently finished building our house ans our life should be great. But i cant help but to want to have great sex with a woman again before i die. We both have been faithful throughout marriage. What am i to do?
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#2 ·
Have you spoken to your W about your needs? Does your W understand that sex is not the only thing in marriage(that she avoiding) but an important part of marriage?
 
#4 ·
we have driven this topic into the ground and unfourtanetly it hasnt done any good. its been discussed and worked on until i dont care to speak with her about it any longer. it has affected me sexually because i can tell that she only consents to it because its her duty and to me that is zero fun. if my needs didnt take over at times we would never have sex again.
 
#8 ·
In a nutshell...if you have talked about this issue until you are blue in the face and still no change then it may be time to simply accept it or throw in the towel. Being rejected constantly is wrong. To save this marriage and hopefully illicit a response other than duty sex, start talking of separation. Willing to lose the marriage can sometimes save it.
 
#6 ·
Yeah, the first questions will be just what have you talked with your wife about.

What does she say when you tell her you are dissatisfied? When you ask her why she doesn't want you to perform oral sex on her, what is her response?

Does she have good orgasms?

I read somewhere once, but am unable to find the reference, that the best indicator that a woman will want sex again is whether or not she had an orgasm the last time she had sex. That was some actual study. Wish I could find it again.

Maybe I just imagined it, who knows. It sounds good.
 
#10 ·
I read somewhere once, but am unable to find the reference, that the best indicator that a woman will want sex again is whether or not she had an orgasm the last time she had sex. That was some actual study. Wish I could find it again.
I would love to see that study. Orgasms are great and all but I don't think women put as much stock into it as men. Sufficient foreplay to get me wet enough and give me a good pounding, that's what keeps me coming back, the pounding...
 
#9 ·
You have a very common problem. Except in extraordinary situations, there is no solution other than to accept it or divorce her. You've talked about it, to no avail. I can assure you that counseling, medical tests, romantic gestures, distancing yourself, or threats will make no difference at all. She's simply not interested in sex, or not with you, and unless a massive change in her attitude occurs for her own reasons, you will never see any improvement.

If you're not going to leave, you may as well keep trying everything else - it will be something to do to kill the time you might otherwise use to have sex.
 
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#11 ·
it use to be easy to get her to climax but with her current attitude towards sex, i would say that she achieves orgasm less than half the time. She no longer wants to discuss it. Her solution is to accept she has no desire to have sex. When i want it, just let her know. i have been on the verge of leaving a couple times in last couple years but im also an everyday father and it pains me to think of not seeing my son everyday.
 
#14 ·
Understand children sense unhappiness in the home. Don't teach your child that a sexless marriage is normal because "that what my parents did." Dad is supposed to be miserable.

Accept it or separate. Only you can make you happy.
 
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#15 ·
If I may ask, what is the reason your W does not want sex? Just is not driven at any level to have sex?

Is it you as the reason but keeps you hanging on with duty sex thus keeping the security of your paycheck?
 
#16 ·
OP, if you just ran a search on here you would see that we get countless stories just like yours all the time. We have a an active similar story right now with a female poster complaining that her husband has only had sex with her 3 times in 1.5years: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/377305-husband-seems-not-want-need-sex.html

In all cases, if the person with low desire has zero interest in figuring out how to improve things for their partner, then you really don't have much of a choice but to deal with it or leave. You have to find a way to get through to her and get her on board. Perhaps through counselling or sharing relevant literature on the subject. Perhaps you can send her here as there are some LD (low desire) posters who frequent the site.
 
#18 ·
It was something I read about 4 years ago, when I was approaching that birthday where I was supposed to turn myself in to be recycled into Soylent Green. It was about sex and aging, and the best predictors for whether or not a post menopausal woman continued to want sex. It was a questionnaire type of study done of hundreds of older women.

At least, that's what I believe was the thread of thought I was following at the time I had found it.

But I've done so much reading in so many different places. What amazes me is how many different studies have been done, and how few ways there really are to find them.

I didn't bother keeping track of where I had come across it since my wife is so sexual that study had nothing of value to us.
 
#19 ·
My wife has two half brothers. Both about the same age, interestingly.

One is Pentecostal and one is Mormon.

I stole my wife from her family, where she was raised Pentecostal. After our three kids were born she had a tubal ligation. Some relative of hers gave her grief about it, and said it was good I did not have a vasectomy so I could continue having kids with a new woman. Religious nonsense. So I paid for my own vasectomy immediately. It made Mary happy.

Mary told her two brothers they should get vasectomies and stop popping babies. Both of them, independently, because they never associated with each other, said they would never do that because if they were sterile they could never have sex again.

In both of those religions there is only one reason to have sex, ever. And that is to get pregnant. Her brothers believe that, and their wives believe that.

That's the cult garbage I stole my wife from.
 
#22 ·
In both of those religions there is only one reason to have sex, ever. And that is to get pregnant. Her brothers believe that, and their wives believe that.

That's the cult garbage I stole my wife from.
Well, there's always that one fatal flaw in that theory: the clitoris.

It's only function is pleasure and it is completely incidental to procreation. You cant even make the argument that the pleasure exists to encourage procreation since that little item isn't in the vagina and PIV is one of the least effective paths to the height of pleasure, and not even possible at all for many. Sure, the male orgasm is the most direct path to procreation, but on the female side? Not so much. Whenever I hear this POV, I simply ask for a an explanation why God created the clitoris. I generally get nothing but a blank stare. When I do get an answer, it's even more ridiculous than the original misguided notion; something like it's there to provide greater temptation so God can separate the truly righteous from the easily strayed :scratchhead:
 
#23 ·
Average sex rate for a happily married couple is the number that keeps both of the members of the couple happy.

That is a number that has been tossed around many, many, many times.

There are a lot of threads about it.

I can tell you that my wife and I had sex pretty much every day from when I was 19 years old until I turned 60. Now it's slowed down just a little. But we are not average. Some studies I guess put average at around 3 times per week, I guess, maybe, I suppose, probably. Or close to that, sort of.
 
#35 ·
Your W has you believing that? Your W saying that means two things to me:

1. Telling fibs to keep you on the hook for stability and paycheck.
2. She does not find you sexually attractive.

Why the hell would anyone say that to a spouse? Truthfully dude, I would D.
 
#43 ·
What do you feel it is?

I know from my previous marriage and my current one...that sex is SO much more than the "feel good" aspect. If there's tension in the marriage and things are just plain crappy, sex, is the last thing on my mind. For women it's more than hopping in the bed and getting it done. I've gone ahead and took on the advances of my husband at a time when things were stressed and I couldn't achieve orgasm. If I'm not fully into it, it is as good as going through the motions.He feels it, he senses it and it makes for a lousy time.

You say your marriage isn't very good right now. I'm sure a lot of no sex related, but is there anything you can do to improve your marriage that might also make your wife feel better about things?

IDK, I may be way off base with this situation. Just looking at it from a different view.
 
#36 ·
Clash - you are reading my mail.

The only difference is that our lives are very busy - we have many children, business, and have recently made several moves. Don't buy the religion excuse unless it is specifically cited. I have attended several Protestant churches and most encourage sex after marriage. Healthy churches want healthy couples and happy families. Sex is important and they know this. A nearby church regularly sets up free daycare so spouses can go on dates and connect. If it is religion, then the faith is toxic or your wife is using it as an excuse.

So what to do? You can do nothing and move on. Resign yourself to the fact that an active sex life is not in your future. But then you must safeguard resentment and anger. If you move on, you must move on and let it go. Most advice against this for good reason.

Or you can do something. Marriage counseling, books, lots of communication, or possibly divorce/separation as a worse case scenario. Think of it as a huge project that needs to be addressed. At some point, the sex life needs to increase, you accept the limited sex within marriage, or separate. If you give it your all for the next, say 3 years, to no avail, what then?

For the record, I estimate sex to be 2-3 times per week as a good average.

Best of luck.
 
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