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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » No sex so i finally left.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-07-2012, 07:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

Good for you in being honest enough to admit you cannot live that way...
Can I ask how you told others \ how its going?

I am in a similar situation, and find myself on the verge of thinking of having an exit affair all day everyday, and i know I have to find the guts to leave. The thoughts are consuming me. Our drives do not match, hes busting his butt being a perfect husband in every other way, I just cannot life with sex once a month or feeling like I am forcing someone to do it just for me.

Kudos to you, good luck in the future.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

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I am in a similar situation, and find myself on the verge of thinking of having an exit affair all day everyday, and i know I have to find the guts to leave.
Nix those thoughts about having an exit affair. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, and more so when the LD (low drive) spouse is a good person.

If you leave your husband, then do it with dignity and not in disgraceful shame for betraying your moral principles.

Once divorced you can have all the casual sex you want. If that is what you truly want.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:40 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

Is it possible that she was sexually abused when she was younger? Maybe something she has never told you about? That would explain why she would feel like you are "all about sex". She might very seriously have a problem relating sex to love, or sex might even make her feel dirty, vulnerable and ashamed. Also could be why she is "stiff" and not able to relax. I know you have already left, but before you rush out and find someone else I would urge you to stick it out a little longer. If there is something in her past that has made her this way, or something medically wrong, and it can be solved it would make it soo much better, then you could have the whole package!! I know you have tried, and I can totally relate to you wanting to connect to your wife that way. Just realize there could be a very good and very fixable reason for her hang up on sex.
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:46 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

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Originally Posted by duckfeet View Post
Just realize there could be a very good and very fixable reason for her hang up on sex.
The problem is that a lot of spouses don't do anything until it reaches crisis level such as the other spouse leaving before they do anything about it. The problem is that by then it may be too little too late because of the resentment and lack of trust from the walk away spouse.
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Old 01-07-2012, 11:48 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

phil3path,

Glad to here to you moved on. Based upon historical evidence amongst these forums, I believe you didnt do enough to try and make the marriage work. But you did divorce her, which is action, which is something far too many guys around here cant do.


Im gonna take a stab and say that you were neglecting your wife, in the sence that she said to you, "All you want is sex"
Even thoguh you were giving her back rubs and everything.

I firmly believe that you need to build a strong emotional foundation with your wife so that she knows you are interested in more than just her body. After this is done, she is gonna be begging for sex as much as any "nice guy"

Regardless of whether or not you believe you carry any blame, I highly suggest you work on yourself, otherwise you will attract the same type of woman as your ex.
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:00 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

Sometimes a man can be the most romantic and attentive husband, yet still be deprived of sex.

We cannot always jump to the conclusion that the man is neglecting his wife!

If the OP's ex refused to discuss sex in therapy, that shows a lack of initiative in trying to solve the problem. If past sexual abuse was the issue, counseling may have helped.

Nobody gets married to be celibate.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:54 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deejov View Post
Good for you in being honest enough to admit you cannot live that way...
Can I ask how you told others \ how its going?

I am in a similar situation, and find myself on the verge of thinking of having an exit affair all day everyday, and i know I have to find the guts to leave. The thoughts are consuming me. Our drives do not match, hes busting his butt being a perfect husband in every other way, I just cannot life with sex once a month or feeling like I am forcing someone to do it just for me.

Kudos to you, good luck in the future.
So I hope im replying correctly and you can actually see this. First off your situation sounds similar to mine. There was no easy way around leaving. It will hurt the other person. But time really will heal. I hope that my spouse and I may at least be on speaking terms eventually. If you know then you know. If I gave you a step by step it would be a novel.ha

Its only been a week and im already feeling a lot better. But there are still a lot of issues to come such as divorce paperwork, splitting of assets, etc.. My situation was easier as we have no kids and my income is lower than hers so I imagine it will go a lot easier than a lot of others.

It gonna suck to first leave but if you re not happy your not happy and thats the end of it. I really wish you the best of luck!
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:06 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

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Originally Posted by duckfeet View Post
Is it possible that she was sexually abused when she was younger? Maybe something she has never told you about? That would explain why she would feel like you are "all about sex". She might very seriously have a problem relating sex to love, or sex might even make her feel dirty, vulnerable and ashamed. Also could be why she is "stiff" and not able to relax. I know you have already left, but before you rush out and find someone else I would urge you to stick it out a little longer. If there is something in her past that has made her this way, or something medically wrong, and it can be solved it would make it soo much better, then you could have the whole package!! I know you have tried, and I can totally relate to you wanting to connect to your wife that way. Just realize there could be a very good and very fixable reason for her hang up on sex.

no she wasnt abused Ive brought that up thinking the same as well as the counselor. We came to the conclusion that she has low libido. But here is the problem. She doesnt want to talk about it, she doesnt want to try any female libido pills, and she 's just like" all I care about is sex". This wasnt a decision i just thought up of and acted on in a week. Its been going on for 5 years. thx
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:19 AM   #24 (permalink)
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phil3path,

Glad to here to you moved on. Based upon historical evidence amongst these forums, I believe you didnt do enough to try and make the marriage work. But you did divorce her, which is action, which is something far too many guys around here cant do.


Im gonna take a stab and say that you were neglecting your wife, in the sence that she said to you, "All you want is sex"
Even thoguh you were giving her back rubs and everything.

I firmly believe that you need to build a strong emotional foundation with your wife so that she knows you are interested in more than just her body. After this is done, she is gonna be begging for sex as much as any "nice guy"

Regardless of whether or not you believe you carry any blame, I highly suggest you work on yourself, otherwise you will attract the same type of woman as your ex.
honestly you are no further from the truth. You automatically assume I neglect my partner. I bent over backwards everyday for her. cook for her clean for her, take her on vacations, dinner, talk to her , hang out with her, never even mention sex to her for months on end, massage her. And after all that is it too much to ask for a little intimacy ? How long can a man go being rejected before he just doesnt care anymore? 5 years is enough slavery for me(oops did I say slavery I meant marriage).

Ive never never had this problem with any other women in my life. so this isnt a recurring thing. you re dead wrong. but hey why not just assume its the mans fault again. I dont mind being the scapegoat if it means Im going to be happy again. And I am happy. so just be happy for me.
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:22 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

phil3path,
You should stop calling yourself a bad guy. You did the right thing and left before you did become the bad guy. Cheating would have been so much worse for both of you. This way she keeps her dignity and you can keep your self respect. This comes from a woman whose first husband cheated on her. It's demoralizing and you never really recover from it.
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:24 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

How is your stbxw handling the situation at this moment?
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:30 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

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Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Nix those thoughts about having an exit affair. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, and more so when the LD (low drive) spouse is a good person.

If you leave your husband, then do it with dignity and not in disgraceful shame for betraying your moral principles.

Once divorced you can have all the casual sex you want. If that is what you truly want.
I am not really thinking about the typical affair... although if someone wanted to, I would say I have seen lots of tips on how to not get caught! Morally I am not capable of doing something so hurtful.

My thoughts are more on yes, I am leaving. There is no going back.

I also plan on telling my husband this. I am going to tell him (this afternoon in fact) that I cannot accept the differing sex drives and be happy for the rest of my life. I will accentuate how wonderful he has been, Im proud of all the changes he has made and manned up. I do not see any changes in the sex dept, and I do not see how it can be fixed. Time isn't going to change this (thanks TAM) and I should just bow out.

So I will tell him that we are no longer going to have sex once a month. Our sexual relationship is finished. I plan to allow myself to seek a sexual relationship. I fully expect him to serve me with divorce papers shortly afterwards. Although I am curious about one aspect... he seems to be quite happy with lots of affection and no sex. Not really a change happening. Just saying I will no longer have sex with him once a month.
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:32 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
Sometimes a man can be the most romantic and attentive husband, yet still be deprived of sex.

We cannot always jump to the conclusion that the man is neglecting his wife!

If the OP's ex refused to discuss sex in therapy, that shows a lack of initiative in trying to solve the problem. If past sexual abuse was the issue, counseling may have helped.

Nobody gets married to be celibate.
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Old 01-08-2012, 08:52 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

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So I will tell him that we are no longer going to have sex once a month. Our sexual relationship is finished. I plan to allow myself to seek a sexual relationship. I fully expect him to serve me with divorce papers shortly afterwards.
No. That approach is tantamount to saying to him "I'm going to cuckold you, deal with it". Why not be the one to serve him with divorce papers?
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:37 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex so i finally left.

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Originally Posted by SockPuppet View Post
phil3path,

Glad to here to you moved on. Based upon historical evidence amongst these forums, I believe you didnt do enough to try and make the marriage work. But you did divorce her, which is action, which is something far too many guys around here cant do.


Im gonna take a stab and say that you were neglecting your wife, in the sence that she said to you, "All you want is sex"
Even thoguh you were giving her back rubs and everything.

I firmly believe that you need to build a strong emotional foundation with your wife so that she knows you are interested in more than just her body. After this is done, she is gonna be begging for sex as much as any "nice guy"

Regardless of whether or not you believe you carry any blame, I highly suggest you work on yourself, otherwise you will attract the same type of woman as your ex.
Complete B.S. ^^^

Four years and he has not tried hard enough? If she really thought he was the problem she would have been relieved, not devastated. Because, now she's free to find the person she's sure will understand her and be more compatible. People who think they were treated badly do not mope for a week or more.

How do you know he will wind up with the same type of person? How have you come to the conclusion that he was the problem and not her?

I say this because my ex pulled the "all you want is sex", "sex is not essential", "this is the way women are" lines. Of course, that argument does not hold up when you figure in the behavior of the other women I've been with in my life, and the behavior of those women whose (very forward) advances I declined over the years.

Sometimes it's unpopular to note this, but there simply exist women (and men) who simply have broken views regarding sex and cannot or will not get the help they need to develop a healthy sexual outlook.
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