Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Wife wonders about other men/experiences

16K views 78 replies 37 participants last post by  sokillme 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife and I have always been very open with each other. We have been together for 12 years. We have been very happy. She is a great wife and mother. We have 4 kids, who are 10, 4, 4, and 2.

When we met, my wife was 18 and I was 25. She was a virgin when we met, with no dating experience. I had done it all and was ready to settle down.

Now she is confused and wonders what is out there. Mostly sexual, I think. She looks at other men more and masturbates more than she use to. That has not affected our sex life frequency, which is still very frequent. I have however noticed a difference in that the sex doesn't quite feel the same though I cannot pinpoint what it is. Emotion, enthusiasm, perhaps.

She wonders about other men and experiences, what it would be like. She doesn't like having those thoughts. Is this a normal feelings for a 30 year old woman? Or is it a bigger red flag?
 
#2 ·
He is a little secret. Almost everyone has temptation from time to time. It's the people who feed into those temptations and ruminate on them that you need to worry about.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Kivlor
#3 ·
Do you ever think about other women? Do you look at other women? Do you use porn?

It could be normal or it could be a red flag. What more is going on?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, doing things where you concentrate on each other (quality time), just the two of you with no children, etc. around?
 
#4 ·
When she gets in her mid thirties her sex drive is going to go through the roof. Looks like it's here already. Seems like it makes women crave "new". Probably just my own bias.

Either way, you sense something and I'm pretty sure you are right.
You may want to start working on rebuilding emotional closeness with her that has dwindled over the years. Take trips, go on dates with her. Court her. Show her she is adored, but don't be a doormat and let her know you can't live without her. Start working out and dressing differently. Wear a new cologne.
And get ready for the ride, it sounds like one is headed your way.
 
#19 ·
Perfect advice.

Step up your game.

Try different things in the bedroom. These are normal thoughts.... from both sexes.

Difference?: She told you this....right? In so many words, right?

Most men and women would never admit this. That she is open is good.

That she has opened and outed her fantasies is "Good Grief!".

At face value...at full naked body value....she sounds somewhat "unsatisfied" with your intimacy and bedroom activities. Again, not unusual.

Keep her close...hold her tight. Actions, not Words.....uh, both!

One other thing. Act confident, not passive. Be in charge most of the time. Make decisions. Consult her on important matters, of course.

Women like strong men...but not Neanderthals....damn it!
 
#5 ·
I don't normally look at or think of other women. I am happy with my wife and my marriage. I do notice if a woman is attractive. I don't mind if my wife notices attractive men, thinks about them or watches porn. It's more that she felt the need to tell me about it and that it bothers her. She has admitted to sort of pretending in her mind that she is with someone else a few times during sex. That I have never done.

Without our kids, maybe a few hours a week on a normal week. Sometimes more. Today and yesterday we spent 6-7 hours alone with each other, but that isn't common.
 
#7 ·
I agree with what sokillme suggests you say to her.

After that, there are likely some problems creeping up in your marriage. You two don't spend nearly enough time together to maintain a strong bond. To me it sounds like your wife is starting to lose some of her emotional connection to you and she has now idea what and why this is going on.

Women have a much stronger need for non-sexual intimacy. There is near zero non-sexual intimacy. Over time, the lack of non-sexual intimacy is going to kill your wife's love for you.

You both need to read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in by signature block below). The books will guide you both through work that will help you fix this.
 
#6 ·
She married very young. I suggest you keep talking to her about it. But don't give in because you feel bad about it as so many misguided husbands do. You basically should just end the marriage at that point.

Personally I would be blunt about it. "I get it, but we made a deal, you don't get to keep me and experience someone else. You will have to wait until I die or divorce me. I covet your sexuality and I value it partly because it's mine, that will all go away if you give it to someone else" I think the men who don't attack this problem head on and try to nice it away end up doing themselves and their wives a disservice.

There is nothing wrong or mean about holding your wife to her vows. Don't feel guilty about it.
 
#76 ·
agreed completely !!

Also, the problem is that if she is going to venture down this horrible road of infidelity, why did she agree to bring 4 kids all 10 or under into this world and now wants to venture ?? That is both a betrayal to OP and a betrayal to the family . This needs to be snuffed out immediately. Otherwise a divorce will take place of the OP will end up living in an awful open marriage for the next 16 years. I know people who had to suck that pill down (didn't have to but did). And when the time was done, there was nothing left of them
 
#24 ·
Quoted for truth. That is instrumental in your marriage. The forthcoming of feelings and talking about it instead of the alternative that you find yourself in a different forum on this site. :frown2:
 
#10 · (Edited)
Since my wife was my third virgin, I knew she would eventually get curious. My first fiancee got curious and cheated on me as a result. In fact she went nuts and had sex with many guys after I broke up with her. She had a kid by one of them. She does not know who the father is since they were one night stands. I solved that problem with my wife by soft swinging, a wife swap and a bunch of FFM threesomes. My wife did not like sex with other men, and still does not 44 years later. I cannot get her to even have a MMF threesome. Her curiosity was satisfied and knows that it does not get much better than what we have. My gosh, she reaches orgasm in under 3 minutes and they are so intense that not only do her toes curl, but sometimes her whole body cramps. No other guy was able to bring her to orgasm and she only likes sex when it is passionate lovemaking. You do not get that in group sex.

You can satisfy her curiosity in a safe way or hope that she doesn't cheat. The urge to try sex with someone else is genetic. As a couple who are not strictly monogamous, we have run into a lot of married couples loosening up their marriage to deal with our natural attraction to others and need for erotic sex. Read the CNN article below to see what is going on: Rethinking monogamy today - CNN.com

It is not everyone's cup of tea, and can be dangerous if your marriage has problems, but throughout our marriage we chose our marriage over monogamy. We have a great marriage as a result that we would not change a thing in.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DEMI6
#11 ·
Never ever share your wife or you bicycle with another man, you will not get them back in the same shape.

Plus the seat will smell like another man.
 
#12 ·
Of course she wonders about other men, you married a child for god sakes! Now she's older and wiser and realizes there are some experiences she missed out on and has no idea how important or not they are.

The very fact that she is sharing this with you is fantastic. You need to help her explore what it is she thinks she missed out on? Is she yearning for novelty, you could set that up with role playing. Is she yearning for a specific type of experience that you could offer her?

The fact that your wife is talking to you means she expects to work through this with you, not away from you and jot hiding it from you. That's excellent!


Also, women get bored a lot sooner than men do, we change our hair style, hair color. We redecorate, change the wall color...we need more novelty than men but that doesn't mean that the novelty can only be attained through new men.
 
#13 ·
Of course she wonders about other men, you married a child for god sakes! Now she's older and wiser and realizes there are some experiences she missed out on and has no idea how important or not they are.
:iagree:
 
#14 ·
This isn't doom and gloom, but it's also not a great situation to be in, either.

Fact is, she's never experienced another man before. Meanwhile, you've experienced other women. Don't discount that.

While it's quite natural to wonder what it's like to be with other people, particularly when you have little or no experience to begin with, it's also very natural to compare yourself to your more experienced partner. For example, I have 'only' dated 4 women in my life (and I married 2 of them). I've been with a couple more. My wife, by contrast, has dated 5 or 6x as many people, and only married me.

I wouldn't say I'm inexperienced when it comes to relationships, love, or sex in any way. But my wife has more stories, experiences (good and bad), memories, etc. than I do. On occasion, I feel like I missed out on something, comparatively speaking.

Now imagine you have NO experience, no memories, no stories. All you know is one person. All that you've learned about love is from one person. All that you know about sex is from one person. All that you know about relationships is from one person. And on a daily basis, you are seeing other couples interact with one another, in different ways than you and your partner.

When you have experience, you know what it's like to interact romantically (and sexually) with other people. You figure out what's good for you and what's not. What you like, what you don't like. What you really want - and don't want - in a partner.

Side note, somewhat related, and not intended to scare the OP, but... My ex wife had dated a few guys before we met in our late teens, but I was her first actual relationship. She was not my first relationship, however. We were together until we hit our early 30's. Over that time, she had built up this resentment for me, despite being very happy for most of our relationship and parts of our marriage. But she eventually hit a point in her life, almost like a mid-life crisis I think, where she needed to see what else was out there. So she did. In any case, she half-yelled this at me at one point: "You stole my 20's from me!" - and she was serious. I think she quickly realized the ridiculousness of that, but it didn't matter, that's how she felt.

OP, I can't say I have any actual, solid advice for you, other than listen to your wife, and don't minimize her feelings. Make her feel loved and cherished and respected. That's all you can do. Neither of you can help her wondering what it's like to date, or be with, other people. It's valid, unfortunately. The older we all get, the more we realize life really IS short.
 
#15 ·
OP,
It is not just women that wonder what they are missing. It is anyone that thinks there is something to miss. Contentment is found within, not without. Have you asked her if she would miss the exclusivity she now enjoys. Currently she is in a rather exclusive group of women, would she miss that? If she is in a loving marriage, with an emotional bond, the sex will never be better than it can be with the two of you. I am genuinely perplexed by this fascination with fleshy protuberances and cavities.
 
#16 ·
This is the EXACT reason I'd never date or God forbid, marry a Virgin.

Because eventually, a lot of them wonder what they missed out on and start feeling like they've been deprived. What the hell ever possessed you to start dating a virginal 18 year old teenage GIRL when you were 25? I'm getting the distinct impression that you wanted to have all your fun then marry someone 'pure.'
Of course she wonders about other men, you married a child for god sakes! Now she's older and wiser and realizes there are some experiences she missed out on and has no idea how important or not they are.
Yup, yup, and yup.

It's only a matter of time before her curiosity gets the better of her.
 
#17 ·
Research suggests that when there is lack of personal development and/or lack of sexual creativity in a relationship that one's fantasies will often begin to shift towards "partner substitution" after being subjected to too much repetition. It is kind of the brain's way of helping keep things exciting.

If for any reason this bothers you, your should encourage one or both of you to adopt a new hobby that makes life more exciting and/or try to be more creative with you intimate life and add more variety to any routine that has become mundane.

Regards,
Badsanta
 
#18 ·
I don't think the wife being a virgin and "missing out" is necessarily the problem.There some studies showing the opposite, but i am not an expert on their validity.



"A new study has found that women with between zero and one sexual partner are the least likely to divorce later on, with women who had 10 or more partners emerging as the most likely to see their marriages end, according to the Institute for Family Studies."


“Earlier research found that having multiple sex partners prior to marriage could lead to less happy marriages, and often increased the odds of divorce,” Professor Nicholas Wolfinger wrote in a blog post that announced the analysis. “



Study Reveals Key Detail About Women Who Are Virgins When They Get Married ? TheBlaze
 
#20 ·
I buy this. Even if our money is not backed by Gold.

Women who have had many sexual partners "Know" what is good and what is bad in a partner....sexually and emotionally. She also knows that she can get another man.

Women who have had very few or no partners prior to marriage, can only fantasize. Because the truth is unknown to them, they would be required to gamble on an "unsure" thing....getting another man, and being more happy with him. Cheating/divorce becomes a riskier endeavor [for them].

Men too, can fall into this category.

Just sayin'
 
#21 ·
My wife is up with the kids at 5:00, she leaves the house at 6:00 and doesn’t get home until 5:00PM. I leave the house at 7:00PM and don’t get home until 3:00AM. So we have 2 hours a day to see each other at all. I have dinner ready, we eat and spend time as a family. I go to work before the kids are asleep. On days off, between shopping, taking the kids to various lessons and activities, catching up on housework, we don’t have a lot of time together.

I didn’t pursue her because she was a virgin. I didn’t know that she was when I met her and I didn’t plan on meeting someone much younger. It was a sister of a friend of a friend situation. And I was skeptical.

We have sex almost every day. Lately, in an ideal world she would get it more than once a day. Her sex drive doubled or tripled. Not complaining, but we don't have any time to 'do it'. On work days it is after I get home, on days off it’s after the kids go to bed. I don’t expect to let my wife go outside the marriage for some side action, or bring another man in. I also don’t want to find out in a week, month, year that she is having an affair.

I can talk to her more about it. I didn’t want to encourage those thoughts. I know that the two types of porn she goes between is the “woman friendly” very sensual, slow, stuff. And rough group porn (MMF-gangbangs). Big difference between the two. She said she doesn’t fantasize about a specific real person, more like a specific made up person.
 
#28 ·
As many have said before me, be very happy that your wife loves you and feels comfortable enough to voice this concern of hers to you. The nature of her concern might make it easy for you to take it as an insult but she's actually paying you an extreme compliment. What she is telling you is that even though she is curious or has a fantasy about being with other men, she is keeping herself vulnerable to you by revealing her secret to you. Explore this with her by allowing her to talk about her fantasy. Not only will this confirm her trust in you but there's a good chance that there will be aspects of that fantasy that will excite you. Make it clear to her that any physical or emotional connection of that nature with another man is not acceptable - but you'd be willing to try different things that would (at least partially) her to fulfill aspects of her fantasy.

Also feel free to share negative experiences too. Remember that you have had many more life experiences than she has had. Right now, she is only imagining the positive aspects of her fantasy. In reality, she may have no idea of the negatives of being with someone else. Gently share and see where this goes too...
 
#31 ·
I'll advise you the same as a wife unsettled by her husband's revelation of inner thoughts or fantasies: listen without judging, then harness and co-opt by meeting her desires in a way that is authentic for you.

That doesn't have to mean involving other men or violating your own personal boundaries. Perhaps it's porn or erotic literature, role-playing a different sexual persona, or changing up your default bedroom dynamic (being more dominant--or less; trying kinkier things, whatever you may come up with that does it for her).

If the process reveals a fundamental incompatibility (e.g., she wants MMF threesomes/swinging and you don't), better to find out now and deal with it openly. The alternative is to operate from insecurity, adopt an adversarial hall-monitor approach, and shame her into a dutiful but hollow state of compliance. I don't recommend going that route; it'll trade the real intimacy you have for a mental "house" full of locked doors and secrets.
 
#32 ·
Is there any chance that you could change your work schedule, so that it is more in line with hers? If that means finding another job, I would advise you to start looking for another job. That kind of split schedule is really bad for a marriage.

Like others have said here, I think it's a good thing that she is sharing this with you. And I think her telling you this is partly code for, "Dude, we're in a rut and you need to spice things up." What an individual woman wants and needs in her sex life can change over time as she grows and matures. Use this opportunity to learn more about her fantasies and what is turning her on right now, and see how you can help those happen, but still within the confines of your monogamous relationship. Be adventurous. Maybe get a little kinky. She fantasizes about a MMF threesome? That doesn't mean she actually wants to do it--we can fantasize about things we don't actually want to do in real life. And there are ways you can simulate a MMF threesome without actually having another person present. And you can try, ahem, toys of different sizes (with or without a harness) so that it feels to her like it's someone different, but it's actually you.

There are a lot of things you could do, and this could be great for you guys if you handle it correctly.
 
#43 ·
This is something that all couples must work out within their relationship at various times.

Every man and woman with a pulse will have a variety of yearnings, desires and urges for other people or for just something different from time to time. It's part of the human experience and anyone that says that they NEVER have any yearnings or urges for something or someone different at times is simply lying.

Life long, happily-ever-after marriage where neither party has any attraction, desires, yearnings or curiosities about being with someone different is nothing more than the stuff of fairy tales - it is not part of real marriages or real human beings.

All people, men and women have these desires and curiosities to one degree or another and in one form or another.

There are a few general strategies and options on how to deal with these urges, feelings and curiosities. All of these options have their own set of pros and cons and it is up to each couple on how they can address it and work with each other within the marriage.

The basic options and strategies are -

- Suck it up and deal with it the best that you can. This is basically having the feelings but buckling down and remaining monogamous and acknowledging that you will endure various degrees of frustrations, dissatisfactions and unindulged yearning over the years.

- dissolving the current marriage/relationship and pursuing other relationships, ie "serial monogamy" or simply remaining single and playing the field and not reentering into an exclusive relationship again.

- working out some kind of arraignment where people can scratch the itch for some variety with the foreknowledge and consent of each party within certain boundaries and parameters. ie swinging, open marriage, polyamory, threesomes etc.

- indulging oneself without the knowledge and the consent of the other, ie cheating, adultery etc.

Those are the 4 basic options and strategies.

Each couple must address and deal with those yearnings and feelings and come up with what may and what will not work for them.

Obviously, cheating will be the most destructive and harmful, but each of those options will have their own challenges and their own set of pros and cons. Each couple must work out what will work best for them over the long haul.

Some will find that they are able to work together to be creative and satisfactory enough to remain sexually exclusive and live with the frustrations and unanswered yearnings that each will have.

Some will be able to communicate and work together enough to have some form of consensual nonmonogamy.

Some will decide that the current relationship is not enough to sustain them forever and will choose to divorce and move on.

And unfortunately for many, one will decide to get their's on the side without the consent of the other and great harm and damage will result.

The fact that you have good communication and are able to discuss these feelings and curiosities is a good thing. Hopefully you will be able to find a path that works for your mutual benefit as a couple.
 
#44 ·
You need to up your game. I recommend that you read Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. It's a great guide on things you can implement to become a better man, husband, and father to better attract you wife.

I HIGHLY recommend that you change your work schedule or get a new job. The current schedule does a lot of harm to a marriage. Being on the same schedule will improve things. Many years ago, I worked the grave yard for about 6 months. In that short time it put an emotional distance between my wife and I. Things improved dramatically once I went back to days.

Occasional porn viewing can be fun but when it's influencing your thoughts for unnatural sex acts, then you know it's a detriment to the marriage. You have 4 kids whose lives could be turned upside down by what your wife is watching and probably starting to fantasize. Thoughts have power. Every thing that happens or is created started as a thought.

Also, who is she hanging out with? You need to watch for possibility of someone planting these seeds in her head. She may be having a WW or divorcee glamorizing whoring herself out. It really surprises me the amount of women that try to shame a woman whose only been with one man. I guess a woman's life is not complete unless she's been plundered by at least a dozen men.

Her telling you these things is the equivalent of a warning shot across the bows. Ignore it at your and your kids peril.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top