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Why would a man not like his lady wearing sexy underwear?

10K views 95 replies 43 participants last post by  gt30743 
#1 · (Edited)
This has baffled me, I keep letting it go - but then it keeps coming back....

I went through a phase of buying a lot of sexy night gear mainly for myself as I was feeling very unsexy at the time and it gave me confidence when having sex.

A few months later he eventually told me he didn't like me wearing any of those things and preferred me naked or in ordinary shorts and tshirt. The last time I wore something sexy (it was a black baby doll see through affair) he laughed at me and told me not to wear it, it looks silly. :frown2:

Ok fair enough - I was a little hurt but let it go.

Things have been good between us so I am not complaining
:. But I was sorting through my clothes and found my box of sexy lingerie and dress up stuff and really missed wearing them, some of them are so pretty and sexy, and it seems such a waste of money just sitting in a box. So last night I said 'I wonder if my sexy things need to come back out?' He was quiet for a long time and then said 'I'm not so bothered but if you want to wear them then wear them.'. :|

Its no big deal but it puzzles me why he doesn't find these things sexy, sometimes my insecurities come to the surface and I think its me that he doesn't want to see in them. When has shown me porn films of the things he likes they nearly always have the kind of underwear I have in my cupboard. :confused:.

I am currently 7lbs overweight and honestly do not look overweight, just nicely curvy.

Any thoughts?
 
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#2 ·
It's not the underwear, or you, that is the problem.

I made the same mistake, with M'Lady, before D-Day. Not appreciating her effort, her need to feel 'pretty', 'sexy'. Which made her feel like you. Of course when I later asked her to dress up, she didn't want to. Due to the damage it'd caused.

So, talk to him, tell him how it makes you feel, when he dismisses your efforts. And ask him why he doesn't like you wearing them. Madonna issues maybe?

But, understand that it's NOT you. It's him. That you are in fact amazing in them.
 
#3 ·
I will be honest, I much prefer my wife just wearing a shirt with nothing else on over her dressing up sexy. It is not like I would dislike if she wore a lot of sexy underwear / lingerie, just for me it is not necessary or something i just can't wait to see her in.

I do agree with @DayOne in terms of just showing appreciation for your effort. However, since he isn't necessarily fond of the sexy stuff, just make sure you are doing it for yourself and not him.
 
#4 ·
Sexy is like beauty. It's in the eye of the beholder. DH thinks lingerie is just fine if I want to wear it for me, but what he wants me to wear for him is a t-shirt and pair of panties. Something about a woman in a t-shirt, panties, and nothing else really works for him. *shrug*
 
#5 ·
Something about a woman in a t-shirt, panties, and nothing else really works for him. *shrug*
Seriously, don't know what it is about, but IMO doesn't get any better. Actually, I think for me it is just natural, going all out to wear sexy lingerie just feels a little fake to me.
 
#6 ·
I highly doubt that it's because you don't look good in them, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Some men, like myself, just aren't into the whole lingerie thing. I can take it or leave it. If my wife were into it, I'd be fine with it, but it's not something that gives me any extra excitement.

However, your husbands reaction is pretty stupid, on his part. The lingerie is for YOU, in this case, not for him. It makes YOU feel sexy, which, I imagine, would lead to better sex. Duh.

FWIW, the best man and maid of honour at our wedding gave us a gag gift box of various 'sexy' things, including a matching pair of faux leather underwear. I put them on one night, and actually felt kind of sexy (they fit well and accentuated my junk quite nicely, lol!) I certainly didn't expect my wife to suddenly be super turned on or anything, but I also didn't expect her to laugh and tell me to take them off because they looked ridiculous. I was kind of bummed, TBH.
 
#12 ·
I highly doubt that it's because you don't look good in them, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Some men, like myself, just aren't into the whole lingerie thing. I can take it or leave it. If my wife were into it, I'd be fine with it, but it's not something that gives me any extra excitement.

However, your husbands reaction is pretty stupid, on his part. The lingerie is for YOU, in this case, not for him. It makes YOU feel sexy.
I disagree that @peacem 's DH's reaction is stupid. He's not into the lingerie thing and he's not pretending to like it more than he actually does. I'd much rather have the honesty than get a faux reaction. With the honesty, she can find out what he does like to see her in so she can get the reactions she wants.
 
#7 ·
Do you have frequent sex with your man? If so, then his feelings could be related to beliefs of getting less sex, should you expend more work getting dolled-up and into lingerie.

For instance, in a completely figurative scenario, if my wife was giving me frequent sex and I knew I would get less sex under the requirements of her being dolled-up and in lingerie, I would feel indifferent about her wearing the "sexy things" she has in the bottom drawer.
 
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#9 ·
Some men like red heads, other like blonds. Some like girls who always wear heals and others like girls who can run around in sneakers. It sounds like it's just his personal taste. There's no problem with that. That being said you don't need to let your sexy underwear go to waste. If they make you feel sexy rock them all day under you outfits and sometimes to bed too. That way you can both have what you want.

Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk
 
#10 ·
For me, the effort of wearing sexy clothes are nice - but not needed.

If you wanted to put on a maid or nurse outfit, i most definitely would appreciate and respond to that effort.
The "sexy" clothes, in my opinion, don't frame the body correctly (i.e. they just look nice instead of making the woman appear sexy)

However, what I really prefer is either:
1) completely naked and be at ease with me seeing you naked (that's a real turn on)
2) Shirt just long enough to barely cover bottom and no other clothes - that's really sexy to me.
 
#11 ·
Regardless of your specific tastes, it's pretty effed up if you tell your spouse that they look silly in something hat is obviously directly related to insecurities and self esteem. Are you kidding me? I may not be turned on by it, but I should love the fact that you like it and you want to feel sexy for yourself and for me.

Is he dismissive of you in other ways?
 
#15 ·
Once upon a time in a land far away, I used to purchase some sexy items for my wife from time to time. I thought she looked good in them, I thought she'd like them and yes she would wear them from time to time for me.

On the other hand, they wouldn't stay on for long. Half the attraction is unwrapping the package and she didn't seem to want to keep em on anyway. Occasionally she'd put one on as a signal, that didn't last that long in the grand scheme of things. It became pretty obvious it wasn't something she appreciated so I gave up on that gift theme ;).

Flash forward to the present time I definitely prefer her naked. She has one series of T's that I bought for her that are very thin, basically see through, very soft and light. I bought them because she likes to wear something while sleeping but it needs to be light and not trigger a hot flash - LOL. She looks fabulous in these things, possibly better than naked - it's close ;). If she were to pull out the old stuff instead of these I'd not be as happy. I wouldn't tell her she looked silly certainly but I might well say hey - I light those 'shirts' better!

Now, when you are dressed it is different. Sexy bras and panties where he gets a peek here and there are a + but then the goal is to take off the clothing, admire the undergarments and then loose those as well :).
 
#19 ·
My W did get the sexy outfits but stopped wearing them after our first child. Weight gain as the reason. Made me no never mind. So, for years it was climbing in bed with the granny panties on. Again, made me no never mind. The goodies were under them there underwear. Anyway, my W has recently lost weight and starting to wear the sexy stuff again. I enjoy it. The best for me though is just a thong. I find that just one piece of sexy clothing a turn on.
 
#21 ·
I am not huge into Lingerie I much prefer nakedness but would not complain about it, if it makes you feel good just wear them and feel good and its a win win for you both. The fact he likes you naked without any props clearly means he enjoys your body as it is.

Also Curvy is great in my eyes there has to be some meat on the bones.
 
#23 ·
Any thoughts?
In my opinion if your husband has struggled in the past with erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, and/or the two of you have had heated fights over intimacy in your marriage...

...odds are he DOES like you in the underwear, but he finds himself uncomfortable because of his feelings associated with the above. So it is a combination of him liking your underwear but also feeling anxiety at the same time because of the past. In that event he may want things visually simple to help keep the mood relaxed and as calm as possible.

Try this, take photos of yourself in very sexy outfits. Then be with him while wearing normal cloths or just being nude. Show him the pictures on your phone and ask him which ones he likes the best. This way he might be able to enjoy seeing you in sexy cloths and feel more in control/relaxed because he is simply looking at a photo. Try to steer the conversation into advocating for him to request you wear something he likes upon his request if he likes something a lot. This perhaps will help him feel more in control and alleviate any anxiety with unexpectedly discovering that you are wearing something sexy.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
 
#26 ·
How my wife is feeling is more important than how my wife is looking. Actually, how she looks is reflected by how she feels. How she dresses is affected by her mood. Sometimes she wants to have a "sexy" look and sometimes she just wants to be "natural" (the most common setup)

I generally appreciate natural the most, but I can appreciate each equally. My preference is for her be comfortable in her own skin and to be completely free and uninhibited to express herself as she feels in the moment. During those times when it seems she is trying to hard and it's just not working, if I comment, it'll be something like "honey, I really do love you just the way you are and I am flattered by the effort you are putting into this." I wouldn't call anything she did "silly" even if that was my first reaction.

But some times we knuckle draggers forget to activate our filter and something insensitive sneaks out. Hopefully OP can tell hubby her motivation and expectations and he can be sensitive and receptive to her feelings in the process. It sounds like he needs to gain a little perspective regarding what his wife does and why. As a minimum, whether or not he is excited by the result, he should definitely be excited by the effort.
 
#33 ·
How my wife is feeling is more important than how my wife is looking.

My preference is for her be comfortable in her own skin and to be completely free and uninhibited to express herself as she feels in the moment.

he should definitely be excited by the effort.
All the above, confidence and free to express being the big ones for me personally so as RMY mentioned the fact that you feel sexy and wont to look sexy for him should be appreciated.
 
#27 ·
The last time I wore something sexy (it was a black baby doll see through affair) he laughed at me and told me not to wear it, it looks silly. :frown2:
What an utterly ignorant, douche bag thing to say.

I've lost count of all the men over the years who have posted that they'd give their right arms for their wives to show a little initiative and do something sexy for them and this imbecile is mocking you when you DO try to add a little spice.

Seriously. He's a completely ungrateful ass-wipe.
 
#36 ·
I might level a charge of ignorance at MrPeacem, but not necessarily douche-baggery.

I love my DH and he's a wonderful man who really does try, but he's not exactly Mr Sensitivity. He also knows I am big on honesty. If I walked into the room wearing some lacy bit of froo-froo and he thought it looked silly, but didn't mind if I wanted to wear it for me, he'd say exactly that. He'd honestly have no clue it hurt my feelings, disappointed me, or knocked my self esteem.

FYI I spend my own money on my perversions, but I recently did some maths and worked out that I have MADE money on buying sex toys because most of them get returned as they break. I get cashback on my credit card and cashback through comparison websites. The sexy undies have been a bit of a waste though :|. You live and learn.
I don't know if I should be happy you actually made money on "your perversions" or sad and outraged that so many "perversions" break during the warranty/return period. Seriously, "perversions" are pricey. You'd think they'd be better quality for the price!
 
#28 ·
my $0.02. Maybe he thinks they are a waste of money? Why shell out $50 or $100 bucks for something that hits the floor in about 30 seconds after he enters the room? Especially since my W really complains about kissing/much touching on clothes.....

I don't really care either way for lingerie, as many men have said in this thread, a long t shirt w or w/o panties is as good as it gets for me. I do appreciate the effort of thinking to wear it
 
#29 ·
OMG this reminds me @peacem doesn't your husband get rather frustrated with you "shopping" for sexual related things and spending way too much money?

I bet he was not too thrilled either when the Womanizer W500 Pro Deluxe model came out in chrome... cause not only you had to have it, but he knows you'll break it and send it in for repair at the same time an even more expensive and better model goes on the market.

:)

Badsanta
 
#30 ·
As you can see, there are many men on this post who don't necessarily enjoy lingerie and would rather have their wife naked or in just a t-shirt. It is pretty common. I don't think there's anything wrong with liking lingerie or not liking it, it is simply a preference.

Women have preferences in this realm, too. As @alexm described when he put on the leather banana hammock, his wife was immediately turned off by it. Other women may have been delighted by it.

I've been with both types of men, those who LOVE LOVE LOVE the dress up stuff (up to and including all kinds of crazy accessories, not just lingerie, and role playing fantasy clothes for both of us), and those who don't notice sexy lingerie at all and just wanted it off my body. Those types considered the lingerie pointless and a waste of time and money and didn't prefer it on my body (feeling it detracted from my sexyness rather than added to it).

For me, the ones who want to play dress up are more fun. Because my preference is to keep mixing things up, and I love adorning our bodies with various things. So I prefer a guy who feels the same and wants to play like I do.

But my current boyfriend is more of the rather naked than play dress up type. So I've just been working with him on it. He may never truly enjoy me in my sexy wear as much as I enjoy wearing it, but he is at least willing to play with things like rope and other restraints. To me, that counts in the same category, because they are all simply tools to experience more attraction and pleasure, IMO.

He is also willing to let me adorn his body with sexy things, which is very fun for me. He enjoys the attention I give him when he's adorned like that, because it is new and different to him and not something other women in his experience have wanted to try. He enjoys how turned on I get by seeing him in something different...seeing his body's shapes be accentuated by novel and sexy garments is really exciting for me. I like the variety of it and the novelty. I also like that he is allowing himself to be vulnerable by letting me adorn him, as it is outside of his experience and he wasn't sure what the point of it is....until he experienced my reaction. He wasn't sure if he'd feel comfortable in these garments but did it anyway. He is now really opening up to more of this.

However...if I never brought it up again, he'd be fine with his original preference of us both being naked. (Though he would probably want to keep playing with the rope). ;)

I don't think my boyfriend has any "hang up" about the lingerie on me. It is simply not his preference.

I suppose there could be more to it with your husband, but there probably isn't. As evidenced by the many responses here, it is pretty normal for some guys to not prefer lingerie.

I do think you should talk more to him and try to work with him, mostly just getting him to understand that his words have hurt you. But even if you get him to understand that....he's still most likely not going to prefer you in lingerie.
 
#34 ·
Now, there was a 'dress-up' outfit one time she burst into the room wearing along with some other accessories. That was cool, but sexiness had nothing to do with it for me. The outfit and the bursting into the room thing signaled 'it was on'. I let her play act for a bit, then took it all off ;).

Any way obvious signal whether actions or clothing or words are A OK with me, I'm always ready to switch modes - just give me something I can recognize to work with...
 
#41 ·
OP, he never should have reacted negatively to your wearing lingerie to try to be sexy for him.

My wife wears lingerie a lot and I always tell her that she looks good in it. There is the tricky issue though (that I haven't solved) of how to indicate my preferences.

She got some special lingerie to wear for my birthday. Usually she gets very nice stuff, but truth be told this was sort of ghastly. I of course didn't tell her that.

I think preferences on lingerie vary a lot. To me there are different styles that can't be really compared to each other.

There is standard silky / lacy stuff that is generically sexy. This can be pretty and sexy.

There is "casual" lingerie - a long t-shirt and nothing else. This can be nice because its very sexy without looking like a particular effort was made - seems sort of naturally sexy.

There is "kinky" lingerie - that has a higher naughtiness factor, with a little of D/S (one way or the other) that can be nice.


I like all of these, but I can easily see that some men might prefer some over others.

Still, the basic answer is that if your wife puts on sex lingerie of any sort, the response is to directly show how much you appreciate it.
 
#42 ·
This has baffled me, I keep letting it go - but then it keeps coming back....

Its no big deal but it puzzles me why he doesn't find these things sexy, sometimes my insecurities come to the surface and I think its me that he doesn't want to see in them. When has shown me porn films of the things he likes they nearly always have the kind of underwear I have in my cupboard. :confused:.

I am currently 7lbs overweight and honestly do not look overweight, just nicely curvy.

Any thoughts?
My husband has specific taste in lingerie AND a big mouth. I've heard and experienced the "Ehhh" more times than I can actually remember. It is ALWAYS a "wtf" moment until I remember "specific taste, big mouth."

The porn thing--is it the lingerie or the actions? Most porn that my husband is into has the lingerie that he actively dislikes BUT the actions happening distract him enough. But right in front of him? Because he can touch, smell whatever else is going on it is a lot less appealing.

I doubt it's the 7 pounds unless this has been an issue in the past.

I love the stuff he hates. I feel pretty! It fits nicely and I do adore it. So, I wear it anyways. If I get a mediocre reaction, I torture him until I get a better one...honestly. Sometimes, I think that is what he is looking for. Sometimes, just like in porn the actions override the meh part.
 
#43 ·
By the way, posting is kinda fun 'cause it gets my wife to make comments here and there. She pointed out I made her go buy herself some panties back in 2011 when I was gallivanting around the world on business and hadn't bought any for her in a couple years, sort of to see what she would do. She whined about not having any, and I ordered her to go buy some on her own, damn it.

She went out and bought a single pair of granny panties.

She still has them, and puts them on every now and then, and laughs about it.

I think she is sexy in them. But I do realize it was meant as a lesson.
 
#44 ·
Any thoughts?
I personally can't relate. One of the things that I appreciate very much about my wife is her willingness to wear any type of lingerie and she does every weekend. I wish that she would actually take the initiative to buy something herself like you did. However I appreciate what I have. She is, by the way, over 40 years old.

That said, lingerie works for me, but your husband is certainly not the only man who doesn't get anything out of it.
 
#48 ·
I would prefer my wife to wear sexy lingerie. Her body images preclude her from that. I have tried to say that there are different styles of lingerie that accentuate different body types.

What she said to me that caused me to give up trying any more is, "You didn't marry a sl#t, so don't expect me to dress like one even if it is in the bedroom!" That kind of encapsulates her opinion on dressing in much of anything overly sexy.

You have gotten lots of good suggestions. Men are visual and all are different, so find out what he likes and dislikes.

You might read up on fly fishing. In fly fishing, it is the presentation of a little bit of thread, fur and feathers that look nothing like real fish food, but trigger an instinctive response in a trout that the fisherman strive for. Also what works in the morning may not work at mid day or in the afternoon. What works in the Spring may not work in the Summer or Winter.

You can either run experiments to see what works and doesn't work or you can try another approach. That other approach would be more Pavlovian in nature. In stead of ringing a bell to get his conditioned response, you could find your favorite lingerie outfit that makes you feel the sexiest and then see if you can't create a conditioned response to it.

That is, do something he really loves enough times when you wear that outfit the he associates the outfit with a desired sexual act/performance. That will allow you to "teach him to like the lingerie" you like to wear to make you feel sexy.

Good luck.
 
#60 ·
This has always kind of been a back and forth with my wife. I guess I would say that I love when she wears something sexy like that but only if she is the one making advances at me and "taking care" of me. I love the way she looks in it and it is a total turn on. The flip side to it is if I'm the one taking care of her or if I'm not really in the mood but willing, the lingerie only lasts a couple minutes until it's on the floor next to the bed, so really what's the point?
 
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