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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-08-2012, 10:22 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

I HATE romance novels. They are nothing but badly written nonsense, which confuse women and give them unrealistic expectations.

My husband and I make the best romance together.
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Old 01-08-2012, 10:43 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

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Originally Posted by CrazyGuy View Post
If anybody has read my other two threads you know why I am here.

For dinner we were cooking on the grill. I got done with the steaks. My wife started on the chicken.

She was standing at the grill. I decided to come up from behind her a just give her a little nibble on her neck. She responded by bending over to avoid me. I guess it was more appealing to her to get her face burned on the grill than have me touch her in romantic way.

So I was thinking, I have tried everything with this woman. Then I thought about this site and then this page. I realized hey, I never seen her read any of those romantic novels. Maybe I should just load one on her e-book and see what happens.

What the heck, I tried everything else.

I hope you can appreciate the way I think. The humor is the way I cope at times. I may be crazy but I am trying not to go insane.
Does she feel like your advances are "degrading" or indicative that you only want her for sex?

Some women equate this sort of playful pawing as merely a man wanting sex even though it may be the husband's way of initiating intimacy. Have you asked her why she is pulling away when you do this? I have not read your other posts so forgive me if I don't know your back story too well.

It's just that sometimes when we think we are doing our spouse a service, it's actually hurting them inside and pushing them away from us. What you find romantic, may make her feel uncomfortable.
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Old 01-08-2012, 10:47 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

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I HATE romance novels. They are nothing but badly written nonsense, which confuse women and give them unrealistic expectations.

My husband and I make the best romance together.
All porn is badly written. Porn also can give guys unreal expectations.

That is why as tongue and cheek I have made this post, I can see the parallels between porn and romance novels.

The main buyer of porn,men. The main buyer of romance novels women. Men are more visual. Women like the emotional aspect.

I am not a big fan of porn myself. My sex drive is high enough. I will admit that I may stray from time to time. But it is not often. I love the look of the female body in all different shape sizes and colors. I am a guy after all and only human and I do not get a chance to see my own wife nude often.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:02 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

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Originally Posted by winniecooper View Post
Does she feel like your advances are "degrading" or indicative that you only want her for sex?

Some women equate this sort of playful pawing as merely a man wanting sex even though it may be the husband's way of initiating intimacy. Have you asked her why she is pulling away when you do this? I have not read your other posts so forgive me if I don't know your back story too well.

It's just that sometimes when we think we are doing our spouse a service, it's actually hurting them inside and pushing them away from us. What you find romantic, may make her feel uncomfortable.
I think she is uncomfortable with herself. We had many talks, MC ect. She is unwilling to change or get help. If the problem is on my end she has not expressed it to me. I got "it all about sex statement" to "I just do not need to be physical like that"

Ether that or I was just a tool to get what she wanted. I do not know, it is very old though.

That last attempt was the first time in the past two months to touch her in any way. Cant hold hands no nothing. As usual I am treated like a monster.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:56 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

A sexually explicit romance novel is not "Sort of like porn" or "The equivalent of porn" or "Emotional porn" or "Kinda porn for women" or any other equivocal descriptor that one can dream up.

It is pornography in the pure sense of the word. The word is a fusion of the feminine noun, πορνη (prostitute) and the infinitive, γραφειν (To write) and it was coined long before the invention of the camera to describe a sexually explicit story or drawing.

It entered the English vocabulary in America via the French, pornographie in the early 1800's and is still defined today as "Obscene writings drawings or photographs," the latter being a relatively recent development.
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:17 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

I thought I had an addiction "to sex" when My drive exploded 3 yrs ago, I even posted on a sex addiction forum if it was possible to be monogamously married & have an addiction. I also went kinda ga ga for porn ....for the 1st time in my life - I started renting it even -but only soft -romantic type porn - PlayGirl stuff & similar.......I always loved a HOT R rated movie sex scene though - but somehow I wanted to see it ALL once my drive kicked in full force.

I was undressing every man in site, but of course only my husband got these benefits, I didn't hide the fact I was feeling all of this, it was like my mind was hi-jacked, it lasted for 8 months long (I kept a calendar) and I have some ideas to why it happened to me .... I think I got a rush of hormones around this time frame from 2 different happenings in my life -plus they say as women age, they get more sexually minded, entering that "cougar" stage, I even call this my Mid Life Crisis, it just happened to be ALL SEXUAL.

I have ALWAYS loved Romance novels, had I read more in our earlier marriage, my husband would have had alot more sex. For me, reading a page or 2 of that , I would be searching him down - terribly arousing, probably wouldn't need any forplay at all.

I think I am more visual than most women are- but I wasn't too in touch with all of this in my younger years cause I was "sexually repressed " in too many ways.

Those days are gone .

The only problem this caused in our marriage was ...he couldn't keep up with me, I started questioning his desire (all in my head), caused him some performance pressure (all in his head)..well plus I was pushing it a bit ...a few bumps along the way but a tremendous boost to our marraige all in all. I learned to be more "creative" to keep him going, learned he liked me being aggressive....we worked through it all very wonderfully.

We both enjoy a little porn together now & then.
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:45 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

wow
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Old 01-08-2012, 01:46 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

Thanks ocotillo and SA

It is funny how those books were so available in my high school but I am sure I would not have been able to whip out a mag.

Midlife crises thing. Yeah, I do not know if that is what I am having or if I just had enough of putting up with B.S. We are both knocking on 40. I have been waiting a long time for that drive to kick in on her.

I have always had a high drive and always wanted more. The fact I always wanted more made her feel like she was not good enough, so she simply stopped, so she says. I was happy though. And that was 17 years ago before we got married.

Mentally undressing, yeah that's me too. It makes me feel like a dog though. My wife just shrugs everything off, I heard every excuse in the book.

From what I can tell her mom was and is the same way so her parents divorced. Her dad was abusive but not in a sexual way. I can understand why but can not approve what her dad did. I know how frustrating this can be. Mom found god and my wife was raised up part of the time on a very strict christian campus. Dad fell off the face of the earth and was not there.

I call my self a christian but I am not the bible thumping go to church every week type. I do not see evil around every corner. I live my life with good values. I hate the judgements I get from some others that have no room to talk. I hate the answers I get when I ask for help. Divorce is not an option, she has not changed, so my other option is to pray and die. Till death do us part. Gee thanks.

I do not know if the issues in are marriage is just her personality. Scars from her dad and not knowing what it is like to have a man around the house. Or scars from the strict religious up bringing.

The religious up bringing does not make sense to me because we would have done plenty of sinning before marriage.

Sorry to ramble, going off topic.

Last edited by CrazyGuy; 01-08-2012 at 01:51 PM.
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Old 01-08-2012, 02:55 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

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Originally Posted by CrazyGuy View Post
Midlife crises thing. Yeah, I do not know if that is what I am having or if I just had enough of putting up with B.S. We are both knocking on 40. I have been waiting a long time for that drive to kick in on her.
If you have not had a mid life crisis by now, very likely could be one coming on.

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I have always had a high drive and always wanted more. The fact I always wanted more made her feel like she was not good enough
I've made my husband feel this way at times, but he didn' stop , thank God.

Quote:

Mentally undressing, yeah that's me too. It makes me feel like a dog though.
I didn't feel like a dog, I was enjoying the heck out of that, I felt like I stepped into the body of raging testosterone laden male , flirting became my language, it was a double edged sword though, cause I was plauged with thoughts of going back in time & reliving our youth- what I feel we missed out on - we used to only have sex once a week. Between my sexually repressed mind & his passiveness, our lack of communication in this area, we were missing each other in far too many ways. Biggest regrets of my marraige.

If I was married to a Preacher type- who judged me, I swear it would have ended our marriage, I thank God my husband is still a little bit of a dirty old man himself.

Quote:

My wife just shrugs everything off, I heard every excuse in the book.
THis would be very difficult to deal with.... so all of these years, how have you delt with it. How often do you have sex, does she ever initiate, are you resentful?

Does she FEEL your resentment ?

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Mom found god and my wife was raised up part of the time on a very strict christian campus. .
Oh boy! Great atmosphere to repress her sexual mind- for sure. I did a whole thread on what I felt kept me hindered sexually, and much of it WAS RELIGIOUS thinking, teaching, the guilt/ shame/sin merry go round in my head.

Quote:
I call my self a christian but I am not the bible thumping go to church every week type. I do not see evil around every corner. I live my life with good values. I hate the judgements I get from some others that have no room to talk. I hate the answers I get when I ask for help. Divorce is not an option, she has not changed, so my other option is to pray and die. Till death do us part. Gee thanks.
I agree, not a bit helpful, I have spent time on this christian forum ... The Marriage Bed • Index page much sexual repression there, very interesting to note that the Pornograghy section and Lack of desire section has more posts than any of their 27 sections.

Quote:
The religious up bringing does not make sense to me because we would have done plenty of sinning before marriage.

Sorry to ramble, going off topic.
Why worry about going off topic, it is your thread ! Wasn't sure what you meant here....you DID do lots of sinning or you didn't--before marriage, it can go both ways.

I have seen those who did have sex before marraige and couldn't live it down, felt guilty YEARS into their marraiges. And those who was as pure as the driven snow when they married but couldn't loosen up. We waited for intercourse but I struggled with lots of guilt about all the lustful forbidden touching, followed me right into marraige.

Secular books on sex and Loosing my religion was my ticket to freedom and hormones , or course!

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 01-08-2012 at 06:45 PM.
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Old 01-08-2012, 03:33 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

SA

I should of said that we had plenty of "sinning". We had lots of premarital sex and it was great. After marriage sex became rare. Thats why if it is a religious hang up I do not get it.

I am lucky to have sex one time a year. Yes I am very resentful. At times I can not stand the sight of her. I used to be understanding but it has been 17 years. I try not to let it show but it does come out from time to time. I would love to have sex every day. I tried too many things to list. This site is pretty much my last hope.

I have a 10 year old so I did not want to divorce. I wanted to break the broken home cycle. She has two sisters that also divorced.

I got to learn how to do that multi quote thing.
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:41 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

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SA

I should of said that we had plenty of "sinning". We had lots of premarital sex and it was great. After marriage sex became rare. Thats why if it is a religious hang up I do not get it.
I doubt it is then, she is not taking you seriously and your marriage just as she didn't seem to care about her own faith back then, As for me, I struggled with it ALOT. I do take how another feels very very seriously-if I am supposed to be in a relationship with them.


Quote:

I am lucky to have sex one time a year. Yes I am very resentful. At times I can not stand the sight of her. I used to be understanding but it has been 17 years. I try not to let it show but it does come out from time to time. I would love to have sex every day. I tried too many things to list. This site is pretty much my last hope.
WHo the hell could blame you!! Ok...when did it start going bad, I have not read any of your threads, if you have them, is there resentment on her part? Is she depressed, is there an attractive issue?

Does she masterbate while you long for her ?

Do you feel she did the bait & switch?

What about your end... Did you loose the romantic after you were marrried, did you take her for granted, was the commuication EVER good? Was this a relationship BUILT on LUST ...getting married quickly, only to learn you have very little in common as the years rolled past, much fighting , passive aggressiveness over the years ?

What is the story? If you can address the roots, start there -it is your best shot to get it resolved.

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I have a 10 year old so I did not want to divorce. I wanted to break the broken home cycle. She has two sisters that also divorced.
Same reasons ? Some sacrifices are quite a load to bare, you're falling down now. When you are 60, and you look back, will you curse the day you were born for staying with this woman.

Having your son see & enjoy a HAPPY content father is worth more than keeping a marraige together when the parents hate each other, and he feels the tension in the house every day , he will only grow up & wonder if all marraiges are like this. My parentes divorced, my step Mom was my Dad's perfect match, even though it made life a little hard on me, I feel they did the right thing under the circumstances.

How do you feel she would react if you told her outright >> you can not and WILL NOT live like this any more, that if she is not willing to go to Counseling, that you are filing for divorce. I feel many spouses would be better off taking the risk of "loosing it all "- getting it on the table , than silently waiting , hoping, for something to change while they know they are "safe", the marraige will always be there, security. Somehow when there is a risk to loose it all, it puts a flame under us.

No man signs up to be celibate, it just isn't right.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:00 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

Why does a couple's sex life change so dramatically after they get married? I've read so many posts about this, I can see that people have their ups and downs (pardon the pun), but seriously what gives?

In my 25 year relationship we hit one low where we went several months without sex, but there were major marital problems, and lots of resentment going on. If a marriage is perfectly normal in all other areas, why not be intimate? and if the person who does not want to engage in sexual relations knows this is wrong, why can't they at least get help.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:53 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Actually she is not. But I got you to look. I think this is going to be a short thread.

Anybody know of a situation where the wife had a porn problem that was affecting the marriage and her life.

Just curious.
Well darn, I'm in this situation and I thought this would be a thread for people with similar experiences. Maybe it will anyway.

My wife is very much an enthusiast to a point that it bothers me to an extent. I don't know if she's "addicted" but it's a problem for us.

We used to go and rent together when I was in my early 20s. I don't know when or how, but it slowly shifted into being her thing rather than our thing together. I was never highly into it but she said it would bring us closer.

Over time she began to spend our time just doing what she wanted, like I was barely there in the couple's store with her. She would find what she wanted to rent and head out, meeting me in the car kind of thing.

Finally I blew up, not the best way to handle it after months. She kind of went underground with it after saying she'd work on it. That's really her response to every problem, she'll "work on it" so I knew it would be an ongoing problem.

Anyway, now in our 30s she's a regular viewer, quite a few sex toys as well, in addition to other problems she's discussed on the site before. I don't pretend that anything I've mentioned here is a big deal by itself, just in the context of our other issues.

Lately she's gotten really into this James Deen guy, after being into various male stars because of their size or the volume of their ejaculate (no kidding) but finding them overall unattractive. This guy is actually very attractive to her and some younger friends she has. She told me she likes him because he looks into the eyes of his costars and seems to like them, even when he's being very rough with them.

She's also come out to me as bisexual recently, though she rejects the term sometimes. So she likes the females as well but says she can't identify with them because of their artificial looks in most cases.

Her porn "thing" is a problem in that it's come between us on occasion (a few times a year we argue about it now, though she hides it better than she used to). It hasn't gotten to where she prefers porn to me, which I've heard happens with male porn viewers sometimes, so there's that difference. But in many ways sexually I'll admit I'm more like the stereotypical wife and she's more the stereotypical husband in her sexual tastes and attitudes.

It is what it is but I figured I'd mention my situation before going ahead and reading the rest of the thread.
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:25 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Thank you Jen's Husband,

That was what I was looking for. I have not seen a scenario like that. I always see a scenario were the guy has the problem.
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:31 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is addicted to porn.

Everybody else......

I am kicking the sexless marriage part over to my other thread.

Last night we had a argument and I will post about that shortly.

Sexless and Clueless
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