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So, if I am understanding you correctly, you married your wife for a disease free, unlimited supply of sex and yours and her sexual relationship is premised on the concept if either of you does not meet the sexual demands of the other, the non compliant partner needs to fear the other will stray, almost as non compliance is a justifiable reason for the "wronged" partner to stray or leave.

Perhaps she did not know BJs were a deal breaker for you when she married you. I kind of suspect you didn't know it either at the time.

I have read your posts in this thread. It sounds as though you are in the throes of an affair. You talk about BJs like other men talk about their lovers. You are in a fog, infatuation driven thought process. Everything relates back to BJs or lack of them.

You are married to a pretty decent woman who has given you a child and is about to give you another. You tend to get along well with the exception of BJs. Are you sincerely ready to toss her aside over this one sex act? Go put your hand on her belly and feel that baby kick. That is life you created with her. Go look in the face of your sleeping child, the child who loves its' mother and father and needs both of them. Look around at the home you and your wife have built together. You would hurt these precious people and destroy your family over a single sex act? Be grateful for what you already have. Get some counseling to help you deal with the BJ infatuation and when the new baby is sleeping through the night, get some marriage counseling to help you and she sort it out.

anotherguy

Oh please. 'duped'? 'no excuse', 'she doesnt love me'? really? is that how you think?

I am surprised at the quantity of threads on BJs or lack thereof - and how needy and broken some of accompanying male 'logic' is. If the end of your relationship sits on the edge of a BJ, you have bigger problems. Much bigger.

Yikes.

JustaJerk

No more Sanka for Mr. Fargas... DAMN!

tacoma

I stopped allowing others to define "manhood" for me years ago when I realized most have no clue what a man actually is.
Even most men.

I also want to point out yet again I get very tired of people responding negatively to what they believe is my post while ignoring important content within that same post.

No where did I even imply..

" You place your desire to get blown ahead of the mental, emotional, social and financial well being of your children?"

Please…show me where I did.

If you cannot (and you cannot) please read for content in the future.

You seem drawn to my posts Catherine.
I`m flattered.


However I believe this is the very first time I`ve ever even typed the words "bait & switch" in this forum.
While it is true I often advise to begin divorce proceedings first thing in many of most posts the vast majority of those posts (if not all) are in the CWI forum and always to a BS who is so distraught they haven`t a clue what to do once they`ve discovered their spouse is cheating.

I also advise that beginning divorce proceedings immediately is a good strong response to an unremorseful cheating spouse regardless if the BS wishes to divorce or reconcile.

It cannot be denied the move allows the BS to immediately take back a large portion of their lost power.
This stronger position can be used by the BS to guide their reconciliation along lines acceptable to them.
If it does lead to divorce it`s still a win situation because the BS can then get on with their life that much quicker.

Wow, I actually stated essentially that in the post you quoted.



To the OP..

I find it sooo frustrating considering the plethora of threads here on this very topic that the vast majority of regulars here continue to believe that having a sex act as a hard boundary is selfish simply because it`s a sex act.

What about a kiss?

If your spouse refused to kiss you ever would that be acceptable?
What about an embrace?
If your spouse refused to ever again comfort you with strong arms and a warm close body would that be acceptable?

What about sex itself?

There`s little difference between these things and any sex act as far as establishing intimacy goes for me.

Here`s my deal about the blow job topic.

Every serious relationship I`ve ever had involved oral sex just as they all involved kissing and embracing and intimacy in general.
I see it as part of my sexuallity and would immediately cross any GF off my "potential" list if oral sex wasn`t on the table.
Therefore I specifically, intentionally, married a woman who I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt was sexually compatible with me.
In fact the very first sex act my wife and I ever engaged in was the blow job.
It happened about 15 minutes after our first kiss.

If my wife, out of the blue, was repulsed by the idea of performing oral sex on me it would drive a wedge into our intimacy immediately, which would eventually lead to resentment, no sex, no intimacy at all and therefore…no marriage.

The beauty of a blow job to me is her desire for me.
There is no more intimate thing a person can engage in than taking their lovers sex into their mouth.
It`s akin to communion for me, the symbolism alone screams desire.

The thing I fear most in my marriage is the loss of desire because when you get right down to it that`s what it`s all about and without it you`ve got nothing.

So yes as I said before "I would indeed try all I could to remedy the situation" eventually divorce is where it would lead.

pidge70

Oh man, I love that movie!....
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tacoma

I see this trend here as well.

Catherine602

Whatsmore your view of relationships is that a man, by making the ultimate sacrifice to marry is entitled to be worshipped for his act. BS to that.

If that were the case, a husband has the option of meeting his wife's needs if he is so inclined but he has already done enough so it is not required. She however, must show her obligation by cookinfpg eeeffing and being quiet. Good luck with that.

Maybe women feel they are as valuable in the relationship as their husband and make as much of a sacrifice?

Moreover, women are cheating at nearly same rate as men. They also initiate 75% of divorces. How do these two factors fit into your view? This-

"You know why most women give up bj and doing things for their spouse? Because it never gets reciprocated, ever! You wonder why women have affairs on their husbands. It is almost always because they are not getting something at home. Plain and simple. Most decent women would not go outside of marriage without being pushed to do so."
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Rainbow_Dazed

That was a good rant, thanks!

I do disagree with you on some extent. I think by denying your part in how things have turned out, you are setting yourself up to be blind to your own failures.

This example is from my personal experiences: In 2008 the first wave of depression hit the country I live in. I graduated that year and needed to start working on my career. There were no jobs in the city we lived in so I pushed for us to move to another city in which we both could eventually find work (in here it is the norm for both parents to work fulltime). My partner was hesitant but agreed to move. And so we did when our son was one year old. What I did not know or see at the time was that she was depressed (which started most likely after childbirth). I pushed for us to move to a new city where she had very little support or friends, and she was left home with a one year old child. The first year here was really rough on her, as it was for me too. I was too focused on work, and unable to hear her and hear how alone and tired she was. It took me a long time to hear her, and to realize what a mistake we had done.

Career-wise it was the right choice, but if we had known what we know now, we would not have done it. I failed her and I failed us by not seeing the situation as clearly as I should've seen, and it hurts deeply. She does not blame me or resent me for what happened, and to be fair, she has her part in it too. She was unable to recognize just how tired she was and unable to communicate to me what she needed at the time. But she didn't fail alone, we failed together and because of that went through a few years that were much rougher than they could've been if had stayed at our hometown and she had gotten help sooner. Things are getting better now. Our child is a bit older and daily routines much easier. My partner has a great job and she has made new friends here. And she started medication last fall and is already feeling better. Our future is still open, but atleast things are moving to a better direction.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe is that when a relationship fails, usually both parties involved have failed to some extent. If we are thinking that we are doing everything right and are still having a relationship-dynamic that is dysfunctional, we are most likely blind to our own contribution on the failure, in my opinion.

uphillbattle

I hate this response. I always have hated this response. Can I get a show of hands of people who started out with this type of presentation? Now can I get a show of hands from the people who started this type of presentation after the 50th or 100th time you where rejected in the same year?
People don't act like this to start off. It becomes a reaction after many many rejections while comming correctly at your wife. Most men begin to ask after they waste their time trying to get their wife in the mood and just ending up with blue balls over and over and over agian. This just becomes a way to make it easier to take.
I have been the LD spouse and now the HD spouse. I think anybody on here who has never been the HD spouse has NO ****ING CLUE how frustrating it is. If you think someone bothering you for sex is bad, try this. Go to work all day long, come home and help around the house, do everything that is asked of you, then do all this so the one person who is supposed to love you can make you fell unloved and unwanted. It is one of the ****test feelings you can feel.
I kind of look at it this way, a man comes home from work tired as hell and just wanting to take a shower, eat and go to bed. When he gets through the door his dog comes up and begins to jump around his master all excited because he thinks his master is going to go play fetch or whatever game he used to play when the dog first came along. Then said master begins to kick the damn dog every day when he comes home. Anybody want to tell me that the dog is not going to change the way he acts?

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"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."ALBERT EINSTEIN

CallaLily

Sorry you did not like the response, and that you took it personal, since it wasn't even about you. Try and have a good day and not let this worry you.

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uphillbattle

It really doesn't worry me. I don't ask my wife for sex and don't think somebody should. The only problem I have with it is the statemen is an ignorant one and is made on these boards way to often.

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"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."ALBERT EINSTEIN

CallaLily

Good for you. I responded based on the fact he put up A conversation. Not how the conversation used to be or might have been and then turned differently due to rejection over the years. I do not know if thats how he asks his wife for BJ's or not ALL the time or if it was just that way this one time. Anyway, have a good day.

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uphillbattle

I will, thank you

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"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."ALBERT EINSTEIN

Flower25

Exactly!

Looking to assign "fault" or "blame" assumes that there is a "Right" and a "Wrong" to a relationship.

In my opinion, the OP needs to really put himself in his wife's stretched-tight-from-pregnancy-swollen-feet shoes and ask himself whether he really is giving her the kind of pleasure she needs right now. I'd bet anything that sex and BJs are at the bottom of her list at this time...

So far - I have not seen one poster write that pregnancy had no effect on their own sex life...and that the OP should not expect any changes either.

Enchantment

Good for you.

I really think that it sounds like there are some underlying issues going on here that need to be worked on, and I am proud of you that you are willing to take some time and own up to and work on your own issues. Hopefully, if your wife sees positive changes in you, it will have a positive influence on her.

Best wishes.

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